The Fight for Self

[CT1118]

I admire your DBing skills CT.

In my head I like to think I can do the same but normally when the occasion arises I go weak. It will take one and I am getting better so that will have to do for now.

It sounds like you and your S have a great bond and spending time with him keeps you strong. Keep fighting she isn't contacting you for no reason she is getting scared YOU are slipping away from her.

Keep it up

Thanks man. I really need to her that. I really do feel strong inside me towards WW and how I work it. She is still in the A though, so I ain't that good.

Actually, me writing that last sentence instantaneously stirred up some serious fking anger in me, so I will just log out and go to bed now. Instant. Have not felt this in a while.

Thanks albac, I mean it - much appreciated support man.

[ForGump]

CT1118, I know things are hard for you and you're still struggling at times, but you're a beacon to many of us in this forum. In my book, the real zen masters are not the ones perched on top of the mountain but those that are continually climbing, slipping, falling, yet climbing again.

Your W sounds really confused, and I bet she won't admit it or even realize it but she sees that you are a lighthouse while she floats in dark waters.

I hope you keep posting where you're at.

[ForGump]

You said this over in Natus's thread, but I'm replying here so as to not hijack Natus's thread.

So what I meant was that my actions w/ my WW today are my choice - not hers. Right now I choose to attempt DB process w/ WW b/c I believe what her and I could have in the future is worth it. I also understand that this choice I am making is allowing me time to improve myself in ways I never realized I would get to, but always wanted to. Ways that got me off chemical abuse, ways that helped me address a learning disability I never knew I had, ways that are helping me mature as a man and as a father.

When I first got here I asked cadet directly if at 8 months since the A began and 6 months since S, was I too late in coming here to be helped. Cadet responded, "I think it is too late when they put you in a box and pile dirt on you. Until then you have a chance." Those are profound words and I believe them. But they are not to be mistaken - its all our choice to live in every moment and learn.

I have moments where I lose the feelings/considerations for my WW, but I am aware that pieces of me will always be in love with the girl I knew as a teenager, the young woman I dated and lost in her 20's, the woman in her 30's whom I married and had a beautiful son with. Hell man, even the woman in her 40's who flipped sht and left me. If I feel a switch inside me that says I need affection and to be loved, even if that means the arms of another woman, I will make that a conscious choice and I will know when it happens inside me, but rest assured I will make that for me and not b/c I for lack for feeling or consideration about my WW; I'm not sure that I will ever be w/out those two things. My choice will be because I found myself, I am healthy, I know what I want in life, and my decisions came from there, inside me and not because I was distracted, because I was awake. If that is what I choose that is; it is only but one possible future.

This gives me a lot of fodder to think about. I like and respect the idea of being in tune with your feelings about WW and making a conscious choice to see other women.

[CT1118]

CT1118, I know things are hard for you and you're still struggling at times, but you're a beacon to many of us in this forum. In my book, the real zen masters are not the ones perched on top of the mountain but those that are continually climbing, slipping, falling, yet climbing again.

Your W sounds really confused, and I bet she won't admit it or even realize it but she sees that you are a lighthouse while she floats in dark waters.

I hope you keep posting where you're at.

Thanks ForGump. I really needed to hear that. The only thing I got so far is that WW sent me an email 4 hours ago having to do w/S4's school; I have not replied, but this time its not b/c I am DB'ing, I just don't give a sht right now.

Feeling pretty baseline at the moment, not up and happy, but not sad or upset. Just running through the work day.

[Surfer]

CT

I have little to add that other than the "Soap Opera Continues" (we all have this, just depends which episode is on). All seems okay for you really. Your episode is clearly about "He's hardened and she's now not so confident she's got it right" - a cleverly titled episode, "I Will Make Him Chase Me". Guess you are doing something right as she feels she needs to do something to get a reaction - looks like big time temp checking. Particularly the school emails.

Why did you think you made a mistake when she called you the other day. Was it because you didn't exit the conversation quickly or because you didn't pick up?

Final point - and the most important. Don't worry what your son says about liking mummy more. Everyone is a mummy's boy at 4. He will change between 6 and 8. My S is starting to. Play football with him, do Dad stuff, swimming, built and make things, have play fights, make swords and do battle etc.

My W tells me off "it's okay for you trying to be Mr Fun, they need a normal life". I think they are really saying, Dad at least you do something fun, rather than FB chat, talking, texting, playing games on your iPad......

Keep doing what you are doing. You are reading like a success story to me, one way or the other chap!!! Happy Dad Happy Son, soon you will be all "Wars Fought, Tigers Tamed" no doubt. Ha ha. Take care.

[CT1118]

Surfer - Thanks mate.

"Why did you think you made a mistake when she called you the other day. Was it because you didn't exit the conversation quickly or because you didn't pick up?" Answer: I did pick up and I didn't have it in me to speak with her at the time. Not a huge mistake, but I should not speak with her if I don't feel up to it.

I'm not worried about son wanting mommy more. I have structure, and what 4 year old wants that. "Play football with him..." I am first generation American, my mother is from Germany. Your slang makes me think you are not American, so I hope you saying football is meaning soccer to me. And yeah, have been since he was old enough to try and walk. Fussball was my mother's religion and she preached it too me all my life.

"Keep doing what you are doing. You are reading like a success story to me, one way or the other chap!!!" I hope you are correct sir, update on next post.

[CT1118]

I finally did answer WW's school post. It was about a date of availability for a parent meeting. I just responded with my availability. WW called 15 minutes later, my cell was on my desk and I was out of office.

I got dressed for gym and ran from office to gym. Phone beeps indicating email, I am in a position of response for work, so I check. It was WW asking me to call her. I did and she answers. Hey, what's up?" WW "nothing, just wanted to see how you were doing"
Held my line, "I'm doing great, been very busy at work due to the increased work load. Not a bad thing, just been very busy"

Then WW goes into it - "I just feel like things have been very business like between us lately. I know we are in an awkward situation, but I want to know you are ok"

Me: "Yeah, well, like I said, very busy, but I feel really good about myself. Hope you are well yourself"

WW: "I'm not sure, like I said, this is awkward, and I just don't see why we can't...[at this moment I thought if she ends her statement with "be friends" I am going to flip the fk out, she didn't, it was just a pause]...I just don't want us to become strangers to each other. I think maybe now is not the time. Maybe we can make sometime time to talk when we are together?"

Me: "Yeah, I think that sounds right."

WW:"Ok, well, I hope you have a good rest of the day."

Me: "You too, bye".

So, that was it. What do you all think? And let me add, I have mentioned before how I have to go by WW's house to get S4 to school (yes I have to, its on a road to nowhere) and OM's truck was in her driveway this morning. Today, I feel like complete apathy. I am not to sure what to say to WW other than repeating the things I said three weeks ago "don't want to be your buddy, know you are w/OM and that means you don't get me as your H, you wanted space and so do I" etc...

The apathy is confusing me (big surprised right? an LBS is confused). I mean, I feel sometimes about as turned down and disconnected as I can be without choosing to let the last bits of usable feeling float downstream. But apathy is also mixing me up on when to turn up the personality a little bit. When I first started dimming the lights and behaving like I am now, I felt like I was faking my shortness and brief comments to act like I didn't want to speak with her. Confusion is now I don't feel like I am faking it, my behavior is real.

[maybs]

I just wanted to pop in here and let you know you really inspire me with this DBing stuff. As someone who just started this journey I find reading your posts quite helpful when I'm feeling like I've handled a certain situation poorly. And I think someone else said it does sound like one way or another you're on the right path.

[ForGump]

"I just don't see why we can't... I just don't want us to become strangers to each other."

Been wondering about this myself. I will definitely be a co-parent w/ my STBX. But how much of a friend can I be? I don't think she has much expectation to be a friend. But if it should come up ... my feeling right now is we won't be anything more than co-parents. And that means we will be strangers in every way except in parenting.

p.s. CT1118 -- could you check out LonelyW's latest post about going on a date? Would like to hear your reaction/thoughts.

[RSG]

My W hasn't had that moment yet. The last thing either of us has said in any relation to "us" is her saying "I think I'm just going to take a break from men for a while" on my birthday a month ago in the middle of an argument. Kinda pissed me off, but I'm over that.

I hit apathy sometimes too. I sense it might be a "friends" talk and she was scared your answer would be F no again. The "business like" comment reminds me of a text conversation W and I had a couple days ago, where she said I was difficult to deal with.

I think I'm in a similar spot mentally. Faked things for a while, but now I'm feeling less and less....