Zues! I meant what I said very literally to you! "I have so much to say to you" really meant, you brought up so much that would be great to discuss, but I literally had no time! Not that I thought you were hopelessly off track at all!
I'm sorry you took it that, way, the computer doesn't allow for expression or time of voice.
Zues, for years upon end, I delegated my self worth to Mr P. I allowed Mr. P to criticize me and tied my self worth to that. If he wasn't happy, then I wasn't worthy. It went beyond things about me. If the kids left their shoes in the floor and he didn't like it, that was my fault, and he told random strangers that I was a hoarder. Etc., etc. But here's where I really messed up: At some point, I started hearing fault where there wasn't any. I just assumed he was being critical all the time. I lost the skill of taking things at face value. Labug helped me with this a great deal. I balked at her more than once, and she calmly pointed out that I was reading into her questions.
All this to say, my friend, don't make my mistake. Take feedback for what it is, don't read into it, accept it at face value, don't assume it's criticism. Including this.
Sunny, you're absolutely right. The only difference is that it didn't start with XW, it started with me. Again, I could point to my father, but we all have our childhoods, it's up to us how we handle ourselves as adults. But I know that I am so constantly hard on myself that I become very sensitive to criticism from others. Like I beat myself to the point where I am at death's door, then someone else comes along and taps me on the shoulder and I feel like I was hit with a baseball bat. Or, as in this case, I assume someone is being critical because I hear that voice in my own head so loudly that it drowns out what someone was saying. And my struggle to affirm myself leads me to seek out affirmation elsewhere which can lead to expectation, then disappointment, then resentment, and finally withdrawal.
Ginger, forgive me for doubting your tone. As I said, I know you well enough it didn't fit that you would be anything other than kind and compassionate. While the internet is prone to misunderstandings as I too can be at times, it's nice to have a nice bank of goodwill banked to help through the confusion.
This isn't black and white. I have been doing much better. But I do believe this is the core of my sensitivity, my need to protect myself, and all of that. But I distance myself from myself, so I will have to continue to journey on at understanding how I can manage this cycle. I don't know if it will ever go away, but I can manage it better so I am more open to the goodness around me, and it doesn't interfere with my relationships (or pass on to my kids!). As part of this process of being easier on myself I will give a rueful grin at my misunderstandings and call it a day.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I think you have been doing much better, I'm going to start with that.
Something stood out for me. I'm going to challenge you. Not because I think you are hopelessly flawed, but because you are always up to the challenge.
You say how sensitive of others criticisms. You have very strong opinions and criticisms of society and others who do not act as the way you believe they should in certain situations. not saying that's good or bad wrong or right. not the point of what I am saying. But would you agree it's kind of hard to criticize others (even if not to their face) when you are so sensitive from criticisms of others and compare it to the feeling of being whacked with a baseball bat?
Maybe its a matter of opinion towards you as it is with you towards society? Not so much a criticism?
Maybe just accept people aren't criticizing you, they just have a different point of view, just as you have your own point of view on others? Perhaps that would not take opinions so seriously they hurt you?
Hey guys, I'm back from vacation and am plugged back in!
Ginger, I'm not sure my response quite fits with your question, nor do I feel my words can accurately sum up my personality or outlook. But I'll try to respond. I do get your point, that differing views doesn't equate to being critical. And your question about how I can be so judgmental in some areas while claiming to be so sensitive.
The best I can say is that I am very hard on myself, and that when I look at others the way I look at myself I often am surprised others don't seem to do the same. And sensitivity is part of that. Expectations are part of it. I expect others to be hard on themselves as well, and I expect others to be aware of how hard I push myself, to acknowledge my accomplishments, and to be sensitive as it is obvious I must care a great deal to drive as hard as I do. Yet when some people not only accept mediocrity, but then also are critical of me as well, then I used to feel shocked. Like 'hey, if you don't want to strive to be your best that's fine, and if you don't want to acknowledge the awesome things I'm doing in mine that's fine too, but don't sit on your rear and then throw stones at me when I'm playing so hard I bleed'.
It's funny, the people that are the most considerate towards me are others that do push themselves very hard, because they can see what I do and acknowledge and respect that, whereas others don't, possibly because they don't even notice what I do because it clearly isn't important to them or they'd be doing it too. Maybe that's why my best friend is super hard on himself and yet nothing but affirming with me, and where my only 'criticism' from him comes from being inspired by his journey and quietly pushing myself to be my best.
But it's mostly just a thought experiment. I know who I am and wouldn't be any other way. That's not to say I'm declaring myself a finished product or not going to grow. But I feel very comfortable in my own skin and have never been better at living for myself, living according to my own standards, and understanding that others will live according to theirs even when they are much different. XW is a great example. She obviously beats to a different drum than I do, and she obviously has a lot of criticism for who I am. But that doesn't bother me anymore. Some of her criticism was fair and I made some changes. Some was fair and was part of who I am that isn't going to change. And some it has to do with her. But none of it matters to me personally anymore.
Maybe it's boundaries, but more and more I just realize that as you say other people's opinions have more to do with them than me, and I am letting go of expectations on how they live. Shoot, many artists weren't appreciated in their time, and many people that accomplished great things in their life were extreme and didn't get good grades or maintain a relationship because others felt they were too challenging to deal with. I get the benefit of some gifts, and the burden of some eccentricities, and that is just part of who I am. I'll let others do their dance and I'll do mine.
Sunny, I had a great weekend with the kids. It was their first camping trip. I went with my father. Nothing extra special, but it was about as good as a trip can be. A nice hike, some swimming, a cave explore, tubing down a river, some cooking over a campfire.
But more than that, it was the time that nothing was going on that was equally awesome. Talking, hanging out, no conflicts to compete with. Totally unplugged. We played Frisbee. Doesn't sound like a big deal, but we'd never play Frisbee at home because it sounds so stupid when they can play games on the kindle. But when you're staring at the gravel road long enough it starts to sound like fun, right?!? And the heck of it was we all enjoyed it! Imagine that! So here we are throwing a Frisbee, or taking morning walks, or playing card games, or just talking about goofy things, and we had the time of our lives. Of course we played some chess and read too, we are now to "The Black Gate Opens", and very near to rejoining Frodo in the tower of Cirith Ungol.
So many good times I can't describe, but the most telling thing was when my son said "I don't know which is more fun, this or being home...I mean, I love my electronics, but now I see why my friends get so excited to go camping too..." Listen, for MY SON to compare the fun of camping to the fun of coding, that is a monumental acknowledgement. I was concerned he'd be rolling his eyes the entire time and hating me for taking him away from his computer, but NOT the case. We all enjoyed the break. And you know what? Now he can go ahead and resume his world conquest. But we will take more breaks along the way too.
Now I've got a couple days back at work, and then I'm whisking off to Vegas for a pool tournament. It's only been a week and a half but it feels like pool was a lifetime ago. The days of me playing daily are a distant memory, maybe when I get my house and pool table that will change. But I'll head out Friday, hit some balls over the weekend, and be all dialed in and ready to make some magic next week.
I'll comment about work another time, for now I'll just say I'm taking a break from worrying about it. Everything will work out. I play too good to not have a spot on a team somewhere, so I'll just keep jamming hard and do what's in front of me for now. More to come.
Thanks for checking in on me and take care!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues, the camping trip sounds like so much fun! I'm glad you had that experience. And good for you for stepping back from work for a little while, we all need a break. Good luck on your tournament.
As for the rest of your post, this bothers me somewhat:
Originally Posted By: Zues126
The best I can say is that I am very hard on myself, and that when I look at others the way I look at myself I often am surprised others don't seem to do the same. And sensitivity is part of that. Expectations are part of it. I expect others to be hard on themselves as well, and I expect others to be aware of how hard I push myself, to acknowledge my accomplishments, and to be sensitive as it is obvious I must care a great deal to drive as hard as I do. Yet when some people not only accept mediocrity, but then also are critical of me as well, then I used to feel shocked. Like 'hey, if you don't want to strive to be your best that's fine, and if you don't want to acknowledge the awesome things I'm doing in mine that's fine too, but don't sit on your rear and then throw stones at me when I'm playing so hard I bleed'.
That's a lot of judgment coming in a lot of directions. Let me agree off the bat that other people shouldn't be throwing stones at you. Period. But you calling people mediocre is a little harsh, isn't it? I've never played pool. Am I mediocre? I don't have a high-powered job, I don't keep my closet clean, I suck at pull-ups, I ate a guava pastry for breakfast, I don't go to church very often, and I had an epic Pinterest fail last weekend. Hello, my name is Sunny and I'm mediocre. Who are you or anyone else to judge me? Where are you coming from there, Zues?
Ditto on what Sunny said. There is nothing wrong if others chose not to kill themselves to be the very best and are happy with "mediocre". My POV is, if my house is messy, but I find that killing myself over making it clean is peaceful to my well being, well, then who is anyone else to call it mediocrity? It's the most I am willing to give without sacrificing other areas or my well being in my life. Therefore it's mediocrity in your eyes, maybe, but not mine. Why do you expect others to be hard on themselves? maybe they are chosing not to sacrifice themselves? maybe they are choosing to be happy with who they are, even if it's not perfect.
Why do you crave such praise from everyone else? You do what you do for praise? For accolades? Doesn't really matter who sees it as long as you are happy with yourself. Sure, in the work environment praise boosts moral. But otherwise, you should be working your butt off, striving to be your best because that is your choice. Because you want to reap your perceived benefits of it.
I maintain straight A's in school right now. Might end with this class, but nonetheless, I am striving for me. I'm liking the 4.0. people have told me they are proud of me, and that is great. I post it on FB sometimes when I am proud of myself. But it's like me announcing to the world I am proud of my accomplishments. I'm actually not looking for praise. I worked hard, and I am proud of ME. With all I have going on while going back to school, my friends say i should just aim to pass and be proud of that. But now I am pushing, because it feels good to me to see my A's.
Forget everyone else, Zues. Forget about their acknowledgement of your good work. Forget about your perception of their mediocrity and how you feel they should be hard on themselves. None of that matters! You matter!
There seems to be a lot lost in translation online. I've been a part of that as well. If we were hanging out and chatting it would be much easier. But we do our best with the venue we have.
I don't feel I'm being judgmental because I'm not jumping on your threads and suggesting you need to change your outlooks, life views, or analyze you. I don't speak with you as if I have some knowledge you don't or that my views are healthy and yours are out of balance in some way. The only judgment I see is coming towards me. I'm not really sure what you want from me. It would be nice if you were ok with me as I am, but if not it's a big world and we all have our place in it.
I have no worries about who I am. I know who I am and am proud of it. I pass the mirror test every day. And I have no worries about how you two live your lives. You are both top notch and are amazing people, and both of you pass your own mirror test as well. Kudos.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
