Albac - 7 months in. Life goes on.

[albac]

I think you are right Gump so many people (myself included) are not equiped to have a healthy relationship and I think a large chunk of people that are in successful relationships are just waiting for a BD because one of the two is constantly compromising. I see it everywhere I look now.

I believe if I knew what I knew now things would have gone a whole lot differently ( I bet everyone feels the same) wouldn't a rewind botton be nice.

[albac]

Not much happening in my sitch,

My W is still doing weird things but I dorm react to them anymore I think this is good progress.

I got a phone call from W tonight and she is still off in wonderland. She opened the call with "you don't have cancer do you?" I was like I hope not. She called about 3 weeks ago and I said I was at the doctor so when she called tonight she asked that because she said she had been worrying about why I was at the doctor.

Then as normal she talked about herself for a good 15 minutes but chucked in some very strange comments like I have come to expect. She had a 6 hour drive yesterday and mentioned that her back got sore while driving for so long and "the first thing I thought of was I wished you were there to massage my back like you use too" I just let that comment slide and said she should by a massage seat cover.

Then she asked if I wanted to go to her house and she would cook dinner for Father's Day.... I said no of course. I don't know how she sees the future but it must be a lot different to the way I see it.

[lt0402]

My take on the low success rate seen here is that it's pretty accurate. Most R's don't work out. I wish it were not true, but that's what I believe.

FG, I think it depends on what we define the success rate by. If we're defining the success rate to be only reconciliation, then you're probably right. If we're defining the success rate to be reconciliation or betterment of oneself (by detaching and improving our flaws) then I think the success rate is much higher. It seems like DB'ing is primarily working towards betterment of oneself with reconciliation being a secondary objective. [censored], but I think if you achieve your primary objective, you're much more indifferent to the secondary objective being met.

I think you are right Gump so many people (myself included) are not equiped to have a healthy relationship and I think a large chunk of people that are in successful relationships are just waiting for a BD because one of the two is constantly compromising. I see it everywhere I look now.

I believe if I knew what I knew now things would have gone a whole lot differently ( I bet everyone feels the same) wouldn't a rewind botton be nice.

I definitely agree that I'd love a rewind button albac! I think you're right on most people not being equipped to have a healthy relationship. I think a lot of dysfunction in relationships is hidden from public view. If you look though, you can see it. Now that I'm going through this, I see it when we are out with other couples. Whether it's a look, an action, a comment, etc. it's definitely noticeable.

That, to me, is the sad part. I find myself wondering if I do move on and find another MR, how prepared will both myself and my new partner be to avoid these types of mistakes. I'd hate to get back into a MR where either myself of someone else is compromising to keep things going. It wasn't fun the first time...

I got a phone call from W tonight and she is still off in wonderland. She opened the call with "you don't have cancer do you?" I was like I hope not.

A perfect response! Some weird messages coming from your W for sure albac. Hang in there bud!

[ForGump]

Moved out, seeing someone else, but she's talking about getting a back massage?

Looney tunes.

You were right to just say nothing.

[RSG]

How are things going for you? It sounds like she is VERY confused, and has no idea what she wants.

I think it's good you continue to decline these invitations, as long as you think it's just a "friend" kind of thing. Have you had an R talk in a while? If not, I might cut communication a bit and just not be there as much. Based on this type of phone call, it sounds like she enjoys having you as a sounding board.

Hope you're enjoying the time with your little one!!

[albac]

Thanks for stopping by RSG,

I don't know where to start with what I'm doing at the moment. I started seeing a psychologist a few weeks ago. I was not sure at first but it's ok so I will keep going for a while. He is telling me I need to confront my W and ask what she really wants. This goes against what I have been doing so I'm not sure yet.

I am in a much better place then I was a month ago but it's up and down. I have moments of clarity where I truly believe she is out of control and I am better off this way and other times I would do anything to have her back. The human brain is a real piece of work.

Now as for my W and our R. I have absoloutely no idea what she thinks and I don't think she does either. I think her ideas of what is normal are so far of grid it's scary. So to be able to answer weather I think she talks to me as a friend or if it is progress is to hard to answer. It's possible that what I think seems like progress is her version of a friend. It's hard to explain but her ideas of what are exeptable things are crazy.

many examples I have been through already but the same day she was giving me a leg massage this week she took her pants off and showed me a tattoo she got on her upper thigh which was fine but it's hard to have your W standing there with no pants on I can tell you. Then half an hour asks me to go on a trip to Europe with her and my D2 like it's totally normal and couldn't understand why I said No and that's it's not normal. Her defense was but we are a "family" I said no we are not. She replied "you and I arnt a family anymore but we are both her family"

Just one example but I think my W idea of life now is that her and I are friends but the kind of friends somewhere between what most people would call a friendship and a relationship.

So the question I need to answer is do I continue things as they are trying to have minimal contact but play nice and spend little bits of time with both my W and my D or do I totally shut it down. I am almost 8 months in and i have more questions now then answers. I think my W is keeping me close as a support and backup if things go wrong for her. She has started seeing this OM and started a new University course I think I am the backup if it all falls apart which on her previous form is a certainty.

Anyway I think that gives an idea of where I am regarding W. As for me I'm pushing forward, I'm as fit as ever and starting to get some attention from other women although I feel absoloutely no interest in pursuing any of it at this time. I'm tying to get out as much as I can starting new sports and new GAL activities without hitting bar scenes or any of that.

[ForGump]

Man your W is really messed up in her head. I'm sorry. Taking her pants off? Come on. That is just plain cruel.

There are all kinds of divorces, including some where both are totally at peace to say they've grown apart and have become good friends. I think those are rare. Each person has to decide what he/she feels OK after the split. For me, going on a trip w/ my Ex just is not going to happen. Can't do it. The best I can do is to show up at a kid's school event. Not going out of town w/ my Ex.

I'm totally OK w/ you telling me I'm wrong.

Are you really your W's backup plan? When OM falls through, would she really come back to you for a marriage or some type of a romantic relationship? I don't know much about your situation, but I'd be surprised. I think you're just emotional cake for you. When OM falls through, she not going to come back -- she'll want to cry on your shoulders, be comforted, but she's going to go find another OM.

You have to ask yourself, who is this woman? Who is your wife? What is her heart like? It's hard to answer. But once you know, you will know whether you want to endure more suffering for this woman, or not.

I'm not my W's backup plan. I'm cake, and not even all that much of a cake. I'm roadkill.

[albac]

Gump,

It is messed up and I honestly don't have the answers. I may not be backup plan at all but I won't know if I don't ask questions. It's so hard to know what moves to make. One side I can see I am so much better off away from her.

There is no way I'm going anywhere with her or my D2 as a family. It is the only thing that might wake her up is she thinks she will still have all these times where we do things as a family I have already said no to all of these. I mean ffs she invited me to go to her house for Father's Day and she would cook my dinner!! Of course again I said no but I really feel I need to cut her more loose. Not drop the rope but cut it in half.

Like so many have said checking out or folding isn't going to help as you still have to deal with them all the time over children. I'm not looking to shut the door on a possible reconsiliation but it's not getting my focus. It's no good for my health to be thinking about her all the time so trying to detach and tell myself that it is her loss is about all I can do.

But your question about her heart. At the moment she doesn't have one she can't see my problem with any of this and like the example you gave of two people agreeing it didn't work and staying friends I honk that is how she sees it on her side. But I do not and will not be a cake shop.

[albac]

Well I think I am done.

W just rang me about introducing OM to our D because they are getting more serious about the "relationship"

My W is done. She feels nothing for me and she says she is happy with this guy.

I thought I was doing ok. I was wrong. I am so gutted right now.

Less then the day she left. Less then the day she told me about OM. But only just I am not in a good place.

She wanted to know if I want to meet him before she introduces him to our D2.

As hard is this is. She is not the women I married, she feels nothing for me so why do I want that in my life? I have no choice now I need to try and see her even less then I already was I don't even want to see her face.

[ForGump]

Oh man. Don't know what to say. I feel like I'm punched in the gut myself, as that kind of scenario ... I can imagine w/ my W too.

Man forget what she says, forget what she wants to do, forget DB. Just go take care of yourself, just handle the pain somehow for a while.