Albac - 7 months in. Life goes on.

[sandi2]

I think you are right Gump so many people (myself included) are not equiped to have a healthy relationship and I think a large chunk of people that are in successful relationships are just waiting for a BD because one of the two is constantly compromising. I see it everywhere I look now.

Google compromise and accommodating in relationships.

Before M we hear how a good MR is all about compromising. When a couple compromises, he gives up a little of his needs, and she gives up a little of her needs.

The problem we are seeing in a lot of M's today, is when one spouse changes from compromising into accommodating. One spouse loses/gives up all their needs in order for the other spouse to be satisfied. When this becomes the every day pattern, passive behavior develops.......then the result is loss of attraction from the other spouse.

Compromising, nor accommodation, is the answer for a successful MR. Collaboration is when both spouses work together to find an agreeable solution to the problem.

[RSG]

Well said Sandi. If this awful experience has taught me anything, it's that solutions are so very important. When things break down to winners and losers, it turns minor instances into major problems. Because, there are ONLY losers. Two people need to come together, put their egos aside, and collaborate on a solution to a problem. No matter how large or small!

Because, really. What's more important, winning an argument or love?

[ForGump]

Albac -- how you doing. I feel for you, man.

Sending you thoughts of a cold pint. Several pints.

Just hang in there. One day at a time.

[mulesqb]

Albac - I am very sorry to hear you are going through this. But I have to say your W is really off. Less than two weeks after she is parading around you in her underwear and giving you leg massages she wants to introduce you to the OM. Seriously??

She should not be introducing anyone to your daughter right now. Why in the world would she think you want to meet this man?? I would hope she would have enough respect for your young daughter so as not to confuse her right now by introducing a guy she has been seeing for two months...and when this guy dumps her because he realizes she is off, then what??

Do you have a lawyer?? Maybe time to start playing some offense here. Set real boundaries. This woman seems incredibly too immature to be making parental decisions.

I know you are down about this news. It sux. We have all been there. But now you REALLY need to start thinking about how you see your future. There is nothing wrong with that. And quite frankly your W needs to start dealing in reality.

I admire the way you are handling this. Total integrity. All the time. No regrets.

Strength and Honor.

Mules

[ForGump]

Less than two weeks after she is parading around you in her underwear and giving you leg massages she wants to introduce you to the OM. Seriously?? And quite frankly your W needs to start dealing in reality.

See. This is why I'm here. What Mules said. It's right on.

[albac]

Thanks for the support everyone. I appreciate it all so much.

This forum has been the saver of my sanity many times in the last 8 months and even though I think my journey is somewhat over I will stay around to keep people updated and try to help anyone I can avoid what I have been through.

Now a run down of how my W sees things. We had our first real conversation yesterday it was calm and I controlled myself as best as I could buy I did break down a few times and so did she. I don't think she was crying because she cares for me I think she was crying because she feels bad for what she has done to me.

I validated as hard as it was and even at the point where all is lost I still evaluate every encounter and everything I say and do on weather it will have a positive effect or negative. I was furious and even talking to her about OM and their relationship and meeting my D2 made me want to smash everything I could see I kept it together and stayed calm.

We discussed what had happened in our R and she finally opened up a little and said she in the end had nothing but anger and resentment for me and she said that the anger will never go away. Basically blames me for everything although did say "it just wasn't working and it's both our faults we didn't communicate" I agree totally but I would do anything for her and she walked away and got involved with OM in less then 3 months.

As for my D2 and other man, in my W's eyes and as much as it rips me apart and I hate it so much I half understand her way of thinking. She said that it is at a point where she either introduces him to my D2 or she ends their relationship. She said that if she waits any longer and they get further down the road before he meets her and it doesn't work it will make things harder for her to cut him off.

Now I say I kind of understand but at the same time $@&@$$ hate this whole thing so much. I validated said I trust her decisions. I said very firm I hope you know what you are doing and please do not hurt our D2.

From now on I have no need to speak to her or spend any time with her I am done. Yet she still says we are a family and wants to do things with me and our D2?!! She has no idea about reality she said " I hope that when you find a new partner we can all be friends and get along together" I didn't even respond to that.

I said I have no interest in meeting the OM. She said that when I find a new partner she will want to meet her. Crazy

Anyway for now I am continuing to work hard on myself and have finally fully dropped the rope. The women that was my W is gone for now and I'm proceeding as such. I'm not worried about OM or my W only my D2. I guarantee that OM is gone in less the 6 months and her life will fall in heap. Such a shame to be here.

I am broken but I'm working my way back to who I want to be.

[mulesqb]

even though I think my journey is somewhat over

Don't be so sure.

I don't think she was crying because she cares for me I think she was crying because she feels bad for what she has done to me.

Here's the thing. You really don't know why she was crying. It could have been an act. To the best of your ability stop trying to figure out what's going on in her head.

I validated as hard as it was and even at the point where all is lost I still evaluate every encounter and everything I say and do on weather it will have a positive effect or negative.

I don't know about validating at this point. I remember being in this spot and people telling me to validate. In hindsight I have to be honest, it didn't feel right to validate. Do you feel the same way? Does it feel right?? I think you have done enough validating at this point. Someone back in the day gave me a great short comeback.."I'm sorry you feel that way". And move on.

I was furious and even talking to her about OM and their relationship and meeting my D2 made me want to smash everything I could see I kept it together and stayed calm.

Don't ever let her drag you down. You are so above that. Strength and Honor.

I agree totally but I would do anything for her and she walked away and got involved with OM in less then 3 months.

And this very rarely ever works out.

As for my D2 and other man, in my W's eyes and as much as it rips me apart and I hate it so much I half understand her way of thinking. She said that it is at a point where she either introduces him to my D2 or she ends their relationship. She said that if she waits any longer and they get further down the road before he meets her and it doesn't work it will make things harder for her to cut him off.

So she is putting herself in front of her D2. Typical WS behavior. This is ridiculous thinking. Who gives a rat's a$$ how difficult it is for her to cut him off, poor thing...sorry I couldn't help myself. Ultimately you can't tell her what to do but I would definitely be pointing out that this is about D2 and what is best for her and her development, not mommy.

I validated said I trust her decisions. I said very firm I hope you know what you are doing and please do not hurt our D2.

ok, Albac here is where I was hoping you would read it back to yourself. I think we all know you don't trust her decisions. She doesn't make good ones. Moving forward this is an area where you need to take a harder stand. You're a good man and this may be outside your comfort zone but it will be good for you for a lot of reasons.

She has no idea about reality she said " I hope that when you find a new partner we can all be friends and get along together" I didn't even respond to that.
I said I have no interest in meeting the OM. She said that when I find a new partner she will want to meet her. Crazy

Again it's amazing how she thinks this is all about her. I think you should verbalize that you have no interest in meeting OM. And you have no interest in being their friend group.

I am broken but I'm working my way back to who I want to be.

Keep this mindset. Albac, you are a good man. You will get through this no matter the ultimate outcome. Really get serious about working on yourself. And not to look better for her (that's just a nice fringe benefit), but rather so you feel great about who you are, the way you conduct yourself, the great father that you are and the person you continue to evolve into. You can handle this.

Strength and Honor.

Mules

[albac]

Thanks Mules,

I am working on me for me. I can say honestly that over the past 8 months as much as I said I was working on myself for me that I was not doing 100% for me. I was hoping to spark some change in her.

I can now truly say I have thrown the rope away. I don't care what she does now. I am not available to her at all. I am working towards a bright future where I am happy and my daughter is happy and has everything she needs.

As for OM I made it very clear to her that I NEVER want to meet him. And that we will never all be friends because that's not how life work. I said I know that we can't change our feelings and I want her to be happy.

Just before I left I said that I will be dropping contact for myself as seeing her is not good for me. She said she understood. The messages me about random crap the same night.

I think she is a very lost soul. She says she wants OM and not me yet she tries to keep me as a best friend. She needs to get use to the fact that I want no part of being her friend. But that's not my problem.

I know there are mixed opinions hereabout seeing other people. I am at a point now where my GAL and moving on with my life I need to start socializing with other people more including women.

I'm not saying I'm looking for a relationship because I have no interest in that now but anything I can do that helps me fill time and feel better I think is a good thing.

I'm proceeding with life as if my W is gone forever and I need to be ok with that otherwise I am just living in a prison. I have been in the prison of hope for 8 months and I can't live there anymore.

[ForGump]

Man, I don't know if it's DB or not but I hope you told her know she's severely confused and is delusional. And the crap she's doing ... she's not putting your D2 first. Keep the $#@ OM away from D2!

[mulesqb]

I am working on me for me. I can say honestly that over the past 8 months as much as I said I was working on myself for me that I was not doing 100% for me. I was hoping to spark some change in her.

I promise you that all of us have done the same thing.

I can now truly say I have thrown the rope away. I don't care what she does now. I am not available to her at all. I am working towards a bright future where I am happy and my daughter is happy and has everything she needs.

Everyone has their own personal boundary. For me it was a confirmation of a PA. It was something I was very clear about and the one thing I stuck to my guns about.

As for OM I made it very clear to her that I NEVER want to meet him. And that we will never all be friends because that's not how life work. I said I know that we can't change our feelings and I want her to be happy.

Well done. Continue to be firm and leading.

Just before I left I said that I will be dropping contact for myself as seeing her is not good for me. She said she understood. The messages me about random crap the same night.

She really wants to keep you in the palm of her hand. I know you know better than to even acknowledge those texts.

I think she is a very lost soul. She says she wants OM and not me yet she tries to keep me as a best friend. She needs to get use to the fact that I want no part of being her friend. But that's not my problem.

I really think they don't know what they want. Something makes them unhappy and I think they know very well they are behaving atrociously and they are trying to keep everyone around while they try to figure it out. I also believe they are fully aware of all the collateral damage they are causing. But they can't stop. You have the perfect attitude. She needs a big dose of no-albac-in-her-life reality.

I know there are mixed opinions hereabout seeing other people. I am at a point now where my GAL and moving on with my life I need to start socializing with other people more including women.

I started to soon because my XW beat down my ego to nothing. I realized it was too soon. I stopped for a while and then picked back up when the time was right. And I knew when the time was right because I was truly ready. I knew I gave everything my best shot, and I had my kids in a great place

I'm not saying I'm looking for a relationship because I have no interest in that now but anything I can do that helps me fill time and feel better I think is a good thing.

Just be a fun, social albac. Doesn't have to be dating. Can start by just going out with friends and getting a new social outlook.

I'm proceeding with life as if my W is gone forever and I need to be ok with that otherwise I am just living in a prison. I have been in the prison of hope for 8 months and I can't live there anymore.

What if you just took her out of the equation in your thinking. Proceed with life because you're a good man, a good father and a good person and you deserve that.

I know it's hard. You have been through a lot. One day at a time. Find yourself. You can handle that.

Strength and Honor.

Mules