feels never ending

[SH_]

Thank you. I am so grateful for these online boards on this site and a few others. In fact sometimes all the resources out there feel overwhelming...

Good morning MMM,

Have you read DB/DR?

I also found the many resources and info overwhelming early on, but MWD and her knowledge helped me narrow it down.
A key principle that I took from her is that we must focus inward on ourself when the MR reaches a critical point such as ours.

I encourage you to partner with a DB coach.

What are you doing to care for yourself?
Your post above about calling a hotline does raise concern and worry because I do understand the dark place this can send us to. I can attest to the pain, but also the comfort if the work is put in with some resources.

Are you meeting with and IC?
Have you spoken with an MD about depression?
Are you exercising?
Sleeping?
Meditating and or praying?
Reading/listening to uplifting material and messages?
Do you have a support group?
Are you getting out with people?

Please make a simple plan to follow the things that will provide self care. He must work on himself and you will need to care for you.

And we are here to support you.

Be well and may you find moments of peace today.

[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[Cristy]

I encourage you to partner with a DB coach.

Hello mmm1919,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

I'm glad you reached out to a crisis line. You are so smart to recognize that you need support and that you are worth it.

Thanks SH_ for the vote of confidence regarding a DB Coach.

It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[MMM1919]

ForGump

I decided to do no contact because since our pet died last week, he has stopped contacting me. Whenever I contact him I get a terse one word reply. So I am taking that to mean he is not interested in being contacted. In the first few months of our separation I did a ton of pursuing, dragged him to therapy, etc. Too much pursuing. He knows where I stand (I made it clear 2 weeks ago I wanted to work on the R, go back to therapy together) and he was resistant. So basically I am trying my best to GAL, go dark, and do no contact. I am open to suggestions though because obviously I have never had to deal with separation and possible divorce before!

[MMM1919]

I really appreciate the concern.

Are you meeting with and IC?
-Yes, thank goodness.

Have you spoken with an MD about depression?
-I have had a diagnosis of dysthymia for a few years now, but I think it is becoming much worse due to these various situations. I should probably have my medication evaluated.

Are you exercising?
No, no motivation to do anything sadly.

Sleeping?
Yes, but not well.

Meditating and or praying?
Yes, but I should do more.

Reading/listening to uplifting material and messages?
Eh, sometimes. I am having a hard time focusing on anything.

Do you have a support group?
I go to a few 12 step programs because my DH is also an addict. I've upped the amount of meetings I'm going to from 1 a week to 3 a week.

Are you getting out with people?
Not really. Though tonight I volunteered with a group I have been wanting to get involved with for awhile. I am exhausted but it was nice to not think about this for a few hours.

[ForGump]

I go to a few 12 step programs because my DH is also an addict.

Your H is bipolar and an (ex-?) addict. Those are two *very* serious conditions. I would think it would be really hard for your R to be good until/unless he is willing to work on those two issues actively. So I guess my focus would be on that, rather than the R.

(Writing this gives me some perspectives on my situation too. Thanks.)

[MMM1919]

Yep, DH definitely has issues that are bigger than the marriage. Now that he is "independent" from me, he has less reason to avoid working on them, IMO.

I went to my therapist a few days ago and for now I am going to work on emotionally boundaries and detaching emotionally from him. Therapist recommended I focus on that and not think about the legal aspect that we are still married and not even legally separated, not think about divorce at this time, etc.

I also saw my DH a few days ago. He seemed "normal" which bugged the heck out of me. Like how can you be "normal" after you have done this.

[MMM1919]

DH wrote to me to discuss a financial situation. It is a bigger deal to him than me. I have been taking my time in responding to his messages.

[cheesyt]

a newb here, just stopping by to say hello! and welcome! sorry you are here. You'll find some good people & support!

stick around!

[RosaLinda]

So sorry that you are going thru this with your husband MMM, and then to lose your cat too on top of everything else. You are going thru a really hard time right now, so sad for you....

I went to my therapist a few days ago and for now I am going to work on emotionally boundaries and detaching emotionally from him. Therapist recommended I focus on that and not think about the legal aspect that we are still married and not even legally separated, not think about divorce at this time, etc.

This is really good advice. Detaching was the hardest part for me, I think. And making and enforcing healthy boundaries. That's still hard -- I still don't have the emotional hardiness to make my ex stop using my house as his mailing address and texting me every day or so even though he's married to the OW LOL

Remember that boundaries are rules that you make to protect yourself, and which you can enforce. So what do you have in mind? Any thoughts? I'm glad you're doing some GAL activities, and going to the al-anon meetings. What else are you doing to detach?