One of the things my H told me during BD was that I wasn't loving enough. It's true he had always been the pursuer. After that, I've tried hugs, kisses and everything. He seems to accept them but doesn't return them or doesn't initiate them. It's been months like that and although things are not worse, he doesn't seem so angry at me, I'm not sure we're making progress. My question is, should the 180 strategy be applied to what our R used to be or to what I've been doing these last 10 months? I'm confused
One of the things my H told me during BD was that I wasn't loving enough. It's true he had always been the pursuer. After that, I've tried hugs, kisses and everything. He seems to accept them but doesn't return them or doesn't initiate them. It's been months like that and although things are not worse, he doesn't seem so angry at me, I'm not sure we're making progress. My question is, should the 180 strategy be applied to what our R used to be or to what I've been doing these last 10 months? I'm confused
I'm not really sure what you mean maybe one of the others can answer, But u say he is not so angry and he accepts your hugs and kisses,well that sounds like what your doing is working,if you change things it could push him away,think carefully,I will read your story,
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
Maybe what your h said is true, but keep in mind, it's his perception of the situation. Then again, it could be an excuse to justify the bomb drop. You are the only one that can determine if there is any truth in the comment. BTW, my xh said the same thing and I pretzeled myself inside and out to accommodate those hugs and kisses and guess what...indifference. A lot of the comments made by them is how they feel about what transpired in their young lives and they weren't made to feel loved by someone in authority.
I'm going to suggest that you limit those hugs and kisses and see if he notices the difference in the amount he's getting. The saying around here is "do what works and if it's not working, try something different". Also, the indifference could be that he's thinking that you are only doing these things now because he said something about it...
Depression for men is entirely different than it is for women. Have you read up on anything about male depression? If not, take some time and do so. Also, I highly recommend Jed Diamond's books. They helped me a great deal. There is a Recommended Reading Material thread at the top of this Form. You may want to look at it, make a list, and go to the library and check some books out.
There could be any number of reasons why he's acting indifferent to you right now, but from what I experienced w/my xh, it was depression and his perception of his life from way back when.
Keep the focus on you and dig deeper for patience.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
If your H has mentioned that you were not loving enough, it means he was not feeling loved. I know that sounds like a simple, "no, duh" type of statement, but unfortunately, its not. He did not FEEL loved.
My own H told me at BD that he felt I didn't love him, didn't even like him (!) and hadn't for a long time. I kissed him, hugged him, told him I loved him everyday, was very physically demonstrative. I took care of everything from house to grounds, to finances, to kid (grown) related things, to pets so that his only worry was work and play. When he bought another house against my wishes (this is a key phrase), I painted walls, patched, and sought out, bought, hauled and refinished the furniture to fill it. The more he seemed to withdraw, the more I took on. Our SL never dropped off, although he seemed not as interested. And I got a job after staying home with the kids for years. I tried to take the burden off of him, but I also complained more and more about our vacation time being with "her", how it was spent, how we would pay for it...I became a complainer about something he enjoyed. I also tried to fix every problem he brought up and didn't listen well to him...something else he needed. He needed to feel like a grown man; a man who could take care of me and fix his own problems, but just have me listen. His response was to pay more and more attention to a woman who "needed" his help with every little thing. Her lawn needed mowing, her nail needed gluing back on, she needed someone to pick up her kids so she could have lunch with friends. Someone who just wanted to have fun on the weekends, not work on a house or two. Someone who made him feel needed and listened to. She used him (still does...and she's married!), he knew it, but he also felt appreciated...which he didn't feel in our relationship.
Find out your H's love language (google it). Because chances are, although kisses and hugs are loving actions, he's talking more about what is missing in his life that is not making him feel loved. Kisses and hugs are the sprinkles on the cupcake; just for show and definitely not what make it taste good. And if he let you know at BD, even if that's part of what he wants, he may not believe they're real actions.
This is a complex problem. It will take a lot of thought and a lot of insight into your dynamic as a couple and a lot of probing of yourself. There is no simple fix and it will take time. So, work on yourself. Deep introspection. Remember his words to you, his actions and reactions to things you've done (good and bad), stories he's told, things he's mentioned, comments he's made. These are clues as to how he feels. Keep a journal. Make connections. But most of all, remember. You can only work on you. Like most married people, you lose sight of who you were that they fell in love with because you start to mold around them. Find out again who you really are. What you like, want, need to live authentically. This is why GAL is mentioned. It also helps you to keep from ruminating on your situation.
Sorry so long. I do go on. Keep posting and there will be so many here to help you along this journey. And...it gets better. It really does.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
On the heels of what Job has said, just try mentally to step back and look at the situation from a distance. Because I too tried to fix all of h's complaints.
That all stopped when I became very familiar with MLC. I suggest you read extensively about the stages of MLC, both here, in Jim Conway's book and do various internet searches. Once you do that you will be able to determine if this is a case of you not paying him enough attention or, if it's MLC, it'll be much deeper and bigger that that. You may even determine you'd been trying to fix things all along during those early days of denial and anger. And the more you did the angrier he seemed. You may recall feeling like everything you tried made things worse. And that, now, he was irritable all the time over things that used to never even make his radar.
My h hit every symptom/hallmark of MLC so it was easy for me to see there was a huge underlying tsunami. Was the m perfect? Absolutely not. Was I perfect? Nope. But if this weren't MLC/massive depression we would have worked it out by talking a bit and organizing a date schedule.
Once I realized this was MLC, I knew that no amount of hugs, kisses and "atta boys" would fix this. He had to do the heavy lifting. There were things I could do to make it worse. So I worked hard to avoid those: relationship talks, asking where he was going, putting pressure on him to be an adult, etc.
Try to read a lot. And research projection too. Sending you positive thoughts.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Thanks a lot everybody! I'm sure there is something about his childhood as Job suggested. He has never felt loved by his mom but he says he's a grown up and that he accepts that she doesn't love him and that's it. But he has complained about the same thing about me.
The thing is that whether his problem arises from mom issues or not, that's how he feels about me and I feel that if I step away he may believe he was right all along about how he felt in our R.
But then, if I keep pursuing and things stay the same , am I enabling or stopping the whole process?
At the moment, he's looking at you as the mother figure (authority). He's possibly projecting on to you how he feels about his own mother. Oh yes, he's grown up, but he's hit an icy spot on the slope that is making him question his life and he's looking back and not in the present or future.
Read the subjects that I suggested as well as what HaWho suggested. Also, read up on gas lighting. They are good at that little behavior too, at times. Keep in mind the stages are just that...stages and each MLCer will do things differently and yet spit out very similar words along the way. Keep in mind, the stages are either written by someone who went through it or witnessed the MLC of their own spouses. Sally Conway has a good book as well and I believe I identified it on the reading material thread.
Once the process starts, it's difficult to "stop" it. I would certainly try not to enable him. He has to learn to grow up and you can't do that for him. Read the Dance of Pursuit and Distance thread. That will help you better understand some of what you may have been doing and now need to slowly cease.
I've already read several books and I've just bought one on IMS.
Somebody in an earlier post told me my H's wording wasn' typical.
I wanted to add more about that...
At BD he told me that the fact I wasn't loving enough little by little detached him from me. He said he just didn't care whether I was loving or not right now. He said he could never criticize my role as a mother and he also said I always put my kids or job first. He , the following days, said he loved me as the kids' mom and that he could be my husband but not my boyfriend. That he could not be romantic with me. This is basically shown in our SL.
Is this more or less what MLC men say? Is there any way in which I could approach the issues he brought up?
So far, I 've been more concerned about him and his needs trying to be more caring and loving. As to this, he acknowledges my changes and he said perhaps if I had always been like this, we wouldn't be in the present situation. Am I on the right track?
Thanks for being close to me in this difficult time!
I've already read several books and I've just bought one on IMS.
Somebody in an earlier post told me my H's wording wasn' typical.
I wanted to add more about that...
At BD he told me that the fact I wasn't loving enough little by little detached him from me. He said he just didn't care whether I was loving or not right now. He said he could never criticize my role as a mother and he also said I always put my kids or job first. He , the following days, said he loved me as the kids' mom and that he could be my husband but not my boyfriend. That he could not be romantic with me. This is basically shown in our SL.
Is this more or less what MLC men say? Is there any way in which I could approach the issues he brought up?
So far, I 've been more concerned about him and his needs trying to be more caring and loving. As to this, he acknowledges my changes and he said perhaps if I had always been like this, we wouldn't be in the present situation. Am I on the right track?
Thanks for being close to me in this difficult time!
Hi,if he is in mlc theirs not much you can do,only look after yourself and be nice,mlcs are on a mission its all about them,you can't believe much of what they say,and they don't take any notice of what you say,in their eyes its all your fault your the evil slave master,best thing to do is let go,drop the rope,look after yourself,protect yourself,you can't stop them or change the way they are feeling,
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
