Job - yep, now I know why most of his MLC has centered on the kitchen. Oi!
Get ready for this MLC logic. Job, you will love this one. End of the day Saturday, h gives me my mail from the DMV, (Department of Motor Vehicles, for those of you out of the US). It's a notice to re-new my registration, which was due mid-July!!! H usually gets the mail first and this is the first I have heard of this.
Now, I still have no credit card. We had a fraud attempt and the company was to re-issue it. Last week, I asked h if it arrived. He said no. It could have been true as it was around the time it should be arriving. But, he probably was lying.
Today I was heading to the beach with a car full of 6 kids. Labor Day weekend, cops out in full force, no registration and no credit card. Awesome. So before I leave, I say to h: "has that credit card arrived?" (It's been two weeks, so I KNOW it has!). He says yes, but we shouldn't use it. I think it is safe to assume he has HIS credit card activated. I tell him my registration is expired, cops will be out, I have a car full of kids and I want the credit card so I can call a taxi if I get towed. He tells me I shouldn't have waited so long to take care of it! I kindly tell him this is the first notice I have received, though I doubt it's the first that has been sent. And I remind him HE checks the mail. He gives me the credit card. Unbeleiveable his chutzpah.
He leaves and texts me that he will take care of it for me on Tuesday and jokes even though I am being a "nasty pussycat". (This is the closet he will come to apologizing.). I say thanks but I can do it. I also say he needs to give me my mail.
Here's where the MLC logic comes in. He tells me it's no big deal as this is only a "fix it" notice! Yeah, sure, the DMV is known for being gracious, right?. Then he tells me "you'll be ok!" Pre-MLC h was not like this. He liked things in order and knew the DMV was merciless.
I text back and say, yeah, now that I have a credit card I WILL be ok. So that I can take a cab if they tow me (and the 6 kids)!
The registration is 6 weeks overdue!! I die laughing at his comment that this is just a friendly "fix it" notice. Does that mean it's optional that I take care of it?
So I text him, that if I get pulled over I will explain to the officer that he said I will be "ok" because this is just a friendly "fix it" notice. I tell him I am sure the officer will excuse me. Then I say, I can just show the officer his text to cash in on my free DMV hallpass! OMG-I am dying laughing at how stupid the logic is!!
As for the anniversary, before 7 AM h sent me a text from his downstairs bedroom wishing me a happy anniversary with a smiley face. Then he said he wanted to lock it in first so he could not be accused of forgetting. He said he had x errands to run and would be back mid-day.
I wished him a happy one back and thanked him for the years (thanks Sotto). An hour later he told me he'd be back earlier than expected if I needed to go do stuff. I made waffles for the kids as he was walking in. I asked him if he wanted some. He said no, but I could tell he wanted them.
He happened to "appear" when the waffle iron beeped and said they smelled great. I offered again and he ate them. He complimented when he finished them.
I cleaned the house. We were all home doing our own thing. H took s11 out for a bit. Then s11 called me from h's phone asking if I wanted something from the restaurant from which they were ordering. I said sure. I love when he hides behind the kids like this. I want to text him "you can offer me food yourself! Don't worry, I don't think you are courting me when you do so!"
Anniversary was a routine day. At the end, I ran some errands and returned the card I had bought.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Go the the DMV first thing Tuesday morning and explain that you never got the first notice and your h just handed you the notice you have on you on Saturday. They should be able to take care of this for you. After all, it appears that the mail has had some mail carriers trashing mail, etc. in the last couple of months.
Please do not rely on him to be honest about the mail. If he's been hiding it, that's passive aggressive behavior. Does your DMV office have it set up on line so that you can view your records so that you know when the registration is due? Also, take time to check your tag to see the month and year to ensure this doesn't happen again.
This is not a fix it notice. This is a failure notice and this can affect your car insurance as well.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi HaWho, I wanted to write yesterday but then my son came to talk and before I knew it it was passed midnight (here in Europe). So, I was waiting the whole day to see how your anniversary went. Well, what can I say? Like you, I was not sure what to do this year, so I just bought a small fancy chocolate bar (not a box, just a bar). We were together at his parents place attending a weeding of his cousin later that day (it was not an easy day for me...). In the morning when we were getting ready he asks me "what's the date is today"? Like he did not know. He never forgets dates even if he forgets everything else these days. So I reminded him what the day was and told him that I still consider it important day in my life and gave him the chocolate. He was very moved and reached out for me and kissed me. That was the last real kiss. For my b-day I got a long hug... Anyway, I don't think we can expect much of them since they do not consider themselves married anymore. And I know that I will not bother with any present (not even a card) next year.
In the UK, witholding your mail is a criminal offence. My W decided to try that game with me and I had to remind her it was an offence. It soon stopped. Another sad piece in the MLC jigsaw.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Job and Huddy - could be wrong, but I don't think he did it on purpose. I think he just flakes. Could be wrong, but he is just so disorganized in MLC. He used to be meticulously organized. Maybe I am giving him too much credit. Who knows.
Bee - you did the right thing FOR YOU. It means something to you and so you honored the day. Nice job taking the high road. And probably he was fishing for recognizing the occasion by asking the date.
So I am at the beach two hours and when I return to my car? Yep, a ticket for expired registration.
I text h a picture of the ticket. And I tell him I can't take care of this until Wednesday. I ask to borrow one of his 2 (YES TWO) cars or tell him I will rent a car for the day. I actually have a few appointments that day and I will be parking and driving in busy areas. I bet if they catch me operating the car I could be towed.
So after seeing the ticket, h texts me that this is "fishy" to him! He says I have been unregistered for 6 weeks and now I get the ticket?
Unbelievable. I text back that is is Labor Day weekend and I am parked at the beach!! I might as well walk into the police department and ask if anyone can sell me cocaine. Cops are at the beach in droves: ticketing people walking dogs on the beach, smoking on the beach, looking for open alcohol drinking, etc.
He texts back smiley faces. Then he said it just seems awfully coincidental.
I text back that, yes, I left 6 children swimming in the beach with the very largest waves around. I tell him I ran up and down the streets trying to flag down a cop in the hopes of getting a ticket. When I couldn't find a cop I called the police on myself because I like tickets on my record and then I love paying the fine. He sends back smiley faces. Who knows if he recognizes the stupidity of his paranoia. Probably not.
Then he texts me asking if I am going to be home soon as S13 has practice. I text back telling him he cracks me up. Last week he flaked and went out on practice day, when just one day before h said he'd take him to practice! When he realized he missed it, he said he didn't remember us talking about his practice and the kids said: well, we did and it was a long conversation. And now this week he is awake and supervising me!
I take a chance and tell him it's like he has multiple personalities. He texts back jokingly asking if my fingers hurt from all my texting nonsense. I say no but tell him that my ribs hurt from laughing. Which is true. It's too ridiculous.
Then I ask him if he's been tested for B12. (Shout out to KML.). I tell him I just had my physical and I understand B12 deficiency is a common problem but not tested frequently. (Both statements are true, although, it is not my primary that said this; it was KML that did.)
He asks why I suddenly ask about B12 and questions if he missed a text. I am sure it seems like a non sequitur to him, but it dovetails with his paranoia that I did something to get myself this ticket!
I play dumb and say, it just came up and I am spreading the word. He says he'll check his results. I hope he does. I may ping him in a few days just to check, out of curiosity, if his levels were ok. He worries about his health so this may actually stay on his checklist. Gosh, if their is a to-do list, cannot even imagine what that thing must look like.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho, Yes, it could be done on purpose or he could have misplaced the notice, i.e., just like the laptop. I do find it interesting that he wasn't going to tell you about the credit card.
Now, I'll a story about a good friend of mine who got a ticket for an expired registration. She got a ticket in a parking lot and then the car was impounded to ensure she didn't drive it. Because she's not had the time to go and pay the fine, as well the registration updated, her license has now been suspended until she takes care of the fine. Also, her insurance notified her that they know about the lapse in registration.
You may need to have the car towed because the police are out looking for drunks and other drivers driving fast, etc., because of the holiday weekend. I would hate to see you pulled over and then possibly taken to jail and the car impounded and more fine on top of the one you got today.
Bottom line...you need your car registration done as soon as possible. You will probably have to pay the ticket while you are at DMV before they'll review the registration for you.
Good luck and I hope you get home w/o another ticket, being jailed or your car being impounded.
That's so...MLC! Seems like he is trying so hard to control things, any thing, but wow! You handled that with humor and class as per your usual, but I'd fight that ticket. Explain the craziness to the DMV people, as well.
As for the anniversary, mine was all crickets (and that was when he'd still make contact). I got insight into that recently, though. I guess H was talking to one of the office ladies that I am friends with and he actually asked her how he should handle our anniversary! She apparently asked him why he would do anything if he didn't value our marriage. Mystery solved for me. So, yeah. Your H is still in the game! I'll repeat Esame's words...stay strong and patient as you are. He's still there baking.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Job - since our credit card company issued us a new card w/ a chip, we have had 2 attempts at fraudulent charges. H is now paranoid, not that it takes much these days. In fact, he had accused me of being the cause of one of the fraudulent charges on our own card! I called the company and they told me that the questionable charge was made in the mid-west on a Saturday. As we are on the west coast and I was here all day, that finally shut h up. He is a real life Barney Fife.
Esame and Cil- yes, this anniversary was an improvement over the last in that, he did not insult me this year. Also, he initiated saying happy anniversary. However, the last decent anniversary we had was 2011. 2012 he spewed at me in front of the kids! He was so angry all the time! (2013 was a hot mess. I lived my days trying to steer clear of him.) 26 months after spewing on the anniversary, he bombed me and months after that I learned he had been in full on anger MLC mode back in 2012. Point is: it took 4 years for him to say happy anniversary. No gift, just a text. There's the glacial pace of MLC.
For those coming after me, here are some MLC gems.
As I sit still and watch, h is still completely nuts. He is still in full lockdown mode ŕ la Fort Knox. Whether he goes to the bathroom (2 feet from the dorm room) or to the garage, he locks his door.
I also see tons of controlling issues, mostly centering on his 2 cars. I borrowed one until I re-registered mine. H asked me when I was going to be done with it as every day I had it was another day I could scratch it. He is in love with his cars. Seriously. So I asked him if he has ever dated one of his cars. He didn't get it. I clarified, asking if he has ever bought flowers or chocolates for one of his cars. He scoffed. But s13 jabbed h in between his eyes and said: "you love your cars more than us." Ouch. H quickly walked away; he went in the hall and played catch with s11. This is his pattern when he is confronted with a harsh truth: run and hide.
He is also ordering spare parts for MLC car. There are already two used car doors in the garage. A week ago a part came in the mail. And the other day I heard him set an appointment to go look at more parts. Keeping the cars perfect at all times, keeps him very busy as there's always something over which to fret! The other day there was bird poop on one car. S13 pointed it out and h had his next mission.
The other day h ran carpool for me and came home asking s13 who one of the boys in the car was. This boy is a friend of son's and he has been here quite a bit over the summer. He even slept over a few times. He lives two streets over. S13 told him all this and h insisted the boy must have changed his look! S13 laughed and said nope.
I later texted him and told him I was concerned about his confusion on this. I asked him if he ever followed up to see if his B12 levels were ok. He spewed back that he had no mental problems (surprise, surpise! He thinks he's A OK!). Then he told me he has never been good with names and faces! This is not some random person; it is someone who actually comes into our house. So weird.
Maybe he will secretly have his B12 levels checked. Or, maybe if he ever wakes up he will remember that I voiced concern over him. When I was in my depression, I do remember him voicing concern over me.
This morning, the second I woke up, I remembered the day we left the hospital with our first son. As we wheeled him out, there was an older woman (in her 70's), very elegant, sitting outside. She admired the new baby and said "have a beautiful life."
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I have been doing some reading on the new cards w/chips and apparently they aren't as secure as we think. I'm glad you called the company and got that straightened out.
Now, about the obsession of the cars. This is his drug of choice right now in MLC. It's not a woman, gambling, drinking, etc....but his passion is cars. Some will go to extremes w/their passions. My father's passion was fishing all of the time. Some do gardening or pick up other hobbies and then there are those who become workaholics.
Eventually you will have enough spare parts in the garage to open a used parts store. It will be interesting to see what he does w/all of these parts. Does he or can he work on cars of does he need someone who does this sort of stuff to do it for him? Look out...he's going to be spending quite a bit on parts if he continues down this road.
BTW, how did you make out at the DMV? Get everything straightened out?
Hang in there! Maybe he'll get the idea of putting the front portion of a car on his wall for wall art. LOL!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
