I'll just give a brief re-cap for anyone new. Around oct 2014, my h, a man who has always been so loving and close to me began to pull away. He had just been promoted and was being really pushed at work, he wanted to be successful at it- so he worked damn hard. I supported him physically and emotionally the best I could, I was his biggest cheerleader. Our lifestyle had undergone a huge shift already as we had just had a baby a few months before.
After a few months of him being a little distant, from super chatty and telling me absolutely everything. He had become withdrawn and silent. He started to change passwords on his phone, he had always been so open with that, we both had. I started to suspect ow. Jan 15, he told me he wanted a d. I made the mistakes, then came here and started the work. Although saying he wanted a D, he never seemed to research it seriously. He said we would do it once I'd "got my head around it". He moved into a spare room. Eventually he confirmed a EA, and he would cake eat, at times tell me he wasn't sure he wanted to D me and he still had feelings.
Apr 15, he called it off with ow. And asked if we could work through this, he was honest and admitted he slept with her a few times. In hindsight, I took him back quickly. We started to work through this and were completely transparent. But we didn't tackle the main issues. Again, Oct 15, he withdraws- no talk of D. For months, I endured a rollercoaster of ILYBNILWY then a month or so later ily. Back and forth. Things started to improve in May. We were close again. Having regular sex again. Mid June I realised I had fallen pregnant. Although, surprised and shocked (we both kind of were) h was so happy, said how we were closer to our big family he wanted with me. A week later, he's hiding his phone, I snooped and found suggestive flirty messages between them. With her giving advise that he should leave me and s "it's totally normal these days, not even a big deal". He then tells me that we aren't right for each other and he wants a divorce. He moved into the spare room again.
The papers are now filed and he is leaving soon. He still denies that there is a ow. But I'm no fool!! He's began to begin to speak to me again. And he decided to share with me that he finds when he looks at me he struggles to contain his sexual urges. I'm resisting these words, it changes nothing. He still wants a D.
My focus now is absolutely on me. We are heading for a quick d, and I'm now figuring I just need to let him go and get on with my life for myself. I am the woman that he is a fool to loose, and maybe at some point he will see that for himself. But not in the way he is now, he would have to be my h, not the wh he currently is. And he is no way capable of being him. He would like me to look over the papers and agree to things with him, this is not something I want. I don't want the D at all, but he knows this. He has told me that he thought I would do more to stop it, I honestly don't know what he means by this. I've told him repeatedly I don't want it, and he told me this is truthfully what he wants, so I don't see that it would make a difference.
He now seems deeper in his fog, he tells me he will be leaving next week. He can barely look at me again, and all he talks about how hard he is going to find this move and change in circumstances financially. He doesn't bother to see S anymore, only when S runs to say goodnight does he talk to him. Other than that, he spends zero time with him, on any days off, he will make excuses and go out to avoid spending any alone time with him. He has argued none stop with his mom.
It is hard, and I won't lie, I have been feeling the grief and sadness the last few days. I intend on reading DR to refocus and working on getting myself into a stronger frame of mind and doing whatever I can to make a happy environment for my babies.
I thank everyone for their support and running to prop me up a little and get me back up standing.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Surfer, thank you. I've briefly seen that you have struggled too. I saw about your S talking in his sleep. Poor thing, my heart breaks for these children who don't understand. We can't even understand it, what hope do they have?!
Your observations and explaining of the grief triangle make a lot of sense. I can see how I fit into that too, I think it is just a natural response, but like you say, with awareness, it gives us yet another perspective and we can work at getting out of this trap. I shall check the vid out later, I'm going to get back focussed in my reading up and self development. And you're right, there's little eyes watching us, so I need to try to set the best example.
I've noted whilst I seem to have given him the power to control my behaviour, I've also began to fix in on ow, and thought of revenge. As much as it may make me feel better for a short length of time- I don't feel it benefits in anyway. I guess it's hurt and jealousy on my part. I think it's just that overwhelming sense of hurt that we're picking up the pieces while they play happy with a new person (i seem to have thrown myself into the victim role again!!
I agree his detachment and reattachment allowed me to become fixated upon the strange behaviour. No use in trying to figure out the impossible . Like you say, time to get to my knees, then stood up, then back on the saddle.
It does hurt, but I'll think of the babies in this and get back to work.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Just remember. You will be happy again. You are not going to be a victim for the rest of your life because you have changed. You are strong. A mere stumble, not even a fall. Totally understandable and there is not 1 person on this board that has not done that several times at least.
Revenge thoughts. It's that Latin blood again!!! WE all have these of course. It's fear and anxiety making you angry and when you are angry you either fight, flee or freeze. You are choosing a fight. You want to hurt her.
Okay. Let's say you did. Prison with your kids. No not really a sensible option, so how to deal with it. Detach that way you can help to stop the fear of losing him.
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
I feel like I need to go against the grain and throw a 2*4 your way. I may rub some of you the wrong way, but I'm ok with that, because I truly believe what I'm telling you.
You keep saying that your "focus is absolutely on me," but I don't see that to be true. I think your focus is on him and his actions, being a lighthouse for him to come back to, and now this victimhood, which are all keeping you at a standstill. You are taking care of yourself but you are not letting go.
I agree with what Surfer is saying--and he has a much gentler approach--so now can we focus on Cherry and a real solution to it? Why? Because it will help you find strength and move forward before this baby comes and two, I think it is your only shot at saving your marriage.
I think the lighthouse approach is more suited to a WAH, not one in the affair fog. Your WH knows you are sitting there waiting for him and honestly, I think he is losing respect for you. He knows he doesn't deserve you. That and people want what they can't have. In addition, by being a perpetual victim, you remind him that he is the perpetrator, and he continues to grow resentment towards you. You remind him that he is the "bad guy."
Think about it Cherry; you are the beautiful, accepting, wife, that is offering him family, a home, and stability. You also have the added vulnerability of being pregnant. And who is he? He is the POS, cheating H, that is leaving it all behind. Every time he looks at you, you remind him of that. Even his own mother takes your side and thinks he is a POS. So what is he to do? Just do the right thing and spend the next several years with his tail between his legs? No man wants to do that!
In my honest opinion, he wants to respect you and do the right thing, he is only human. But under these conditions, he cannot. And let's face it, no one wants the victim. So as I see it Cherry, you have one shot at saving this M and that is to do a 180 amid let him go. Find that Latin power, remind yourself you deserve better than this, and tell him enough is enough. Kick his arse to the curb! Then you let him go. Let him go out into the world and fall on his own. Let him see what he is missing out on at home. Let him fear he has lost you.
I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but I honestly think this is the only choice you've got left. Read the threads--mine, Saras, Lims, all of them--when the wayward believes they have lost you is when they start to reevaluate. You also have to be willing to accept he may not come back. This works in your favor tho because you don't really want a man that doesn't love you do you? Is the confident Cherry really okay with a cheating H coming and going as he pleases, while you take care of his babies? What would you tell your best friend?
More important than ANY of this, him living there continues to create a toxic environment for you and the babies. Enough is enough. Cherry, it's time to "absolutely put your focus on you." You can do this! Kick him out today and tell him you are done living with a cheating liar. (P.S. He wants you to).
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I can see how what she says has some truth behind it. It seems they don't see what they're missing until the lose you fully.
And what he's talking about (D) equates to him leaving anyways, maybe it wouldn't hurt to give him that push out the door and let him free into the world. I don't expect it would be easy but it might actually give you some piece of mind to have him out of your hair and to be away from his roller coaster a bit.
Might be worth considering.
W:32 M:26 T:5 yrs M: 3 yr BD: JUN 2016 W Moved out: early JUL 2016 W Filed for D: mid JUL 2016 EA: 06/16? PA: 07/16 Moved in w/ ow: 07/16 D final: 10/16
That was a hell of a 2*4 blu!! I respect your honesty, I think I kinda needed that slap of reality.
You are right, patterns with him so far have shown when he begins to see me getting stronger and getting by without him, he shows some interest and creeps forward. He isn't home right now (surprise) but I'm thinking maybe I should just find that bit of courage and tell him if he has a place to go, then go.
I think what's held me back is kind of that I will loose him. But I've lost him already, he is gone, and I truly do need to tackle that. I know it won't be easy to tell him to get out. But maybe it is the only way.
You are right though I really need to truly get my focus, stop giving him a single shred of my attention, which he quite frankly does not deserve!
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
100% agree with Blu ... It's kinda what I've been saying all along. Cherry, I hope you're ready to really hear this advice and use it.
I'm telling you I acted like you and was walked all over by my H. He had left me and was treating me terribly yet I was still available to him. Once my tune changed so did his.
Sure your H might not change but what's it going to hurt? He's already filed, moving and is done so in my eyes you've got nothing to lose. Yes you want to be amicable for the children but that can't be one sided so worry about that when he's ready to do the work to be cordial for the purposes of the children.
I told you a long time ago it's time to tell him to leave. You won't tolerate living with someone who is actively pursuing another woman whether he wants to admit it or not. I believe I used the line to my husband when he denied it of something like please do not insult my intelligence with your blatant lies and slammed the car door shut and left. He got the picture.
He needs to respect you but you have to require him to do so. Asking him if he wants dinner is not something that's demanding respect. Oh hey H I know you're messing around, not spending time with s and plan on divorcing me but I made dinner do you want to join us. Would you let a friend or a stranger treat your is way? If the answer is no, then why let your H treat you like that?
My grandma always said the behavior you accept is the treatment you deserve. While harsh it has some truth to it.
I feel like I need to go against the grain and throw a 2*4 your way. I may rub some of you the wrong way, but I'm ok with that, because I truly believe what I'm telling you.
You keep saying that your "focus is absolutely on me," but I don't see that to be true. I think your focus is on him and his actions, being a lighthouse for him to come back to, and now this victimhood, which are all keeping you at a standstill. You are taking care of yourself but you are not letting go.
I agree with what Surfer is saying--and he has a much gentler approach--so now can we focus on Cherry and a real solution to it? Why? Because it will help you find strength and move forward before this baby comes and two, I think it is your only shot at saving your marriage.
I think the lighthouse approach is more suited to a WAH, not one in the affair fog. Your WH knows you are sitting there waiting for him and honestly, I think he is losing respect for you. He knows he doesn't deserve you. That and people want what they can't have. In addition, by being a perpetual victim, you remind him that he is the perpetrator, and he continues to grow resentment towards you. You remind him that he is the "bad guy."
Think about it Cherry; you are the beautiful, accepting, wife, that is offering him family, a home, and stability. You also have the added vulnerability of being pregnant. And who is he? He is the POS, cheating H, that is leaving it all behind. Every time he looks at you, you remind him of that. Even his own mother takes your side and thinks he is a POS. So what is he to do? Just do the right thing and spend the next several years with his tail between his legs? No man wants to do that!
In my honest opinion, he wants to respect you and do the right thing, he is only human. But under these conditions, he cannot. And let's face it, no one wants the victim. So as I see it Cherry, you have one shot at saving this M and that is to do a 180 amid let him go. Find that Latin power, remind yourself you deserve better than this, and tell him enough is enough. Kick his arse to the curb! Then you let him go. Let him go out into the world and fall on his own. Let him see what he is missing out on at home. Let him fear he has lost you.
I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but I honestly think this is the only choice you've got left. Read the threads--mine, Saras, Lims, all of them--when the wayward believes they have lost you is when they start to reevaluate. You also have to be willing to accept he may not come back. This works in your favor tho because you don't really want a man that doesn't love you do you? Is the confident Cherry really okay with a cheating H coming and going as he pleases, while you take care of his babies? What would you tell your best friend?
More important than ANY of this, him living there continues to create a toxic environment for you and the babies. Enough is enough. Cherry, it's time to "absolutely put your focus on you." You can do this! Kick him out today and tell him you are done living with a cheating liar. (P.S. He wants you to).
Blu
Perfect Blu. I hope you can share this same thing with Sara... I have written something similar several times but did not post it as I am learning of the waywardness from the outside and don't think I am the one it should come from... Sara needs this as well...WH has no respect and is very disrespectful...
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
