Cherry. Filed, moving, spinning..

[PsySara]

I feel like I need to go against the grain and throw a 2*4 your way. I may rub some of you the wrong way, but I'm ok with that, because I truly believe what I'm telling you.

You keep saying that your "focus is absolutely on me," but I don't see that to be true. I think your focus is on him and his actions, being a lighthouse for him to come back to, and now this victimhood, which are all keeping you at a standstill. You are taking care of yourself but you are not letting go.

I agree with what Surfer is saying--and he has a much gentler approach--so now can we focus on Cherry and a real solution to it? Why? Because it will help you find strength and move forward before this baby comes and two, I think it is your only shot at saving your marriage.

I think the lighthouse approach is more suited to a WAH, not one in the affair fog. Your WH knows you are sitting there waiting for him and honestly, I think he is losing respect for you. He knows he doesn't deserve you. That and people want what they can't have. In addition, by being a perpetual victim, you remind him that he is the perpetrator, and he continues to grow resentment towards you. You remind him that he is the "bad guy."

Think about it Cherry; you are the beautiful, accepting, wife, that is offering him family, a home, and stability. You also have the added vulnerability of being pregnant. And who is he? He is the POS, cheating H, that is leaving it all behind. Every time he looks at you, you remind him of that. Even his own mother takes your side and thinks he is a POS. So what is he to do? Just do the right thing and spend the next several years with his tail between his legs? No man wants to do that!

In my honest opinion, he wants to respect you and do the right thing, he is only human. But under these conditions, he cannot. And let's face it, no one wants the victim. So as I see it Cherry, you have one shot at saving this M and that is to do a 180 amid let him go. Find that Latin power, remind yourself you deserve better than this, and tell him enough is enough. Kick his arse to the curb! Then you let him go. Let him go out into the world and fall on his own. Let him see what he is missing out on at home. Let him fear he has lost you.

I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but I honestly think this is the only choice you've got left. Read the threads--mine, Saras, Lims, all of them--when the wayward believes they have lost you is when they start to reevaluate. You also have to be willing to accept he may not come back. This works in your favor tho because you don't really want a man that doesn't love you do you? Is the confident Cherry really okay with a cheating H coming and going as he pleases, while you take care of his babies? What would you tell your best friend?

More important than ANY of this, him living there continues to create a toxic environment for you and the babies. Enough is enough. Cherry, it's time to "absolutely put your focus on you." You can do this! Kick him out today and tell him you are done living with a cheating liar. (P.S. He wants you to).

Blu

Perfect Blu.
I hope you can share this same thing with Sara...
I have written something similar several times but did not post it as I am learning of the waywardness from the outside and don't think I am the one it should come from...
Sara needs this as well...WH has no respect and is very disrespectful...

Sorry to thread jack but I need to address this. I have put boundaries in place with my WH. MY DB coach and the videos I have watched by MWD both support the technique I am using. I have basically stepped back and allowed my WH to take his journey. The only person who can determine if setting an ultimatum (such as kicking a WS out) is the person who has to live with the decision. I am making the marriage a good place to be without pursuing, begging or threatening. MWD tells people to try different things and then sit back and see what gets you the results you want. She specifically says that the theory of "cake eating" is nonsense and letting your ego get in the way of your goal, which is saving your marriage.

If Cherry gives her WH a meal and he continues to walk all over her then she should change her technique. If he ends up coming home more and more because it is starting to remind him of her amazing qualities, then she should stick to it. This isn't a technique of completely back and white lines, it is one of trial and error. It is a marathon that can takes months to even a few years. If Cherry wants to continue to run this marathon then we should support her and let her decide when she is done.

Sorry to come across strident but every one is different, every marriage is different. I will continue to support Cherry in her journey, if I don't agree with her technique then I may offer alternative options but again, her choice.

[JksD]

Love this Sara.

Cherry. There are many alternatives here and we all mean well.

Choose the one action that you can live with. Remember that we will not be living the consequences of your action.

This is my take. I failed, not because I was a doormat, but because I swung and I couldnt act from a place of calm, detachment and compassion.

Cherry, I dont know how to put this across but I feel that he should know that you know about the A and the skank. That you don't condone the A but you're willing to work things through. I don't know how to put this across but I strongly believe that this can be done in a non doormat way. Maybe someone else can help.

On the moving out part, I can see that his presence is affecting you and s. That is because you are not detached. It's not easy, it really isnt.

Is there any way you can lessen this effect?

He is going to move out anyway. If he is going to move out. If we believe what he says. His actions and words are contradictory. We dont know what to believe and we shouldn't let ourselves spin because he's spinning too.

If you asked him to move out, and he does, how would you feel? Would that be a better situation to be in compared to where you are now?

If he stays, and he continues to act like an a$$hat, will you be able to take this?

Only you can answer these questions.

I feel that skank can't provide what you can provide and that when reality bites, it will bite hard.

I believe that reality will bite your wh. I just don't know when and how.

Cherry, I know that I have asked you this b4 but do you think you could speak to a db coach?

[Cherry]

Thank you guys all for the input and the various views and support.

It is a bit confusing as I see both sides. I see that he is making a bit of a mockery of me and I have slid back the last few days and I've even let him see my emotional side and vulnerable side, and let him come to me as he apparently could see I had been upset. But I also see Sara's side and seen that some kindness can have a positive effect.

He is going this week. Wether or not the stress gets to me and I kick him out sooner I don't know. But what I do know is that I need to back the hell off from him and be an absolute mystery to him. I plan to get up and go out with S again tomorrow, and genuinely enjoy my day. I need to get used to the idea that he is gone and adapt my life to how it's going to be without him. He's still out and it's gone 2am so no doubt he is out with ow. I can tell I'm still attached as this has angered me tonight, and I've thought about many things such as texting him telling him to get the hell out, to calling a locksmith, to calling her and giving her a piece of my mind, and then to f**k you I don't care.

I know these aren't healthy thoughts so I know I need to get it together. I also know I'm not sleeping to great so I know I need to get onboard with this. I shall avoid him tomorrow while I get my head together with what to do. But the basis is he is gone. He most probably is having an affair, and I need to stop allowing him into my life.

[Cherry]

Grl, thank you.

I haven't spoke with a db coach but I'm sure I could arrange that. I have an appointment lined up with an ic who focuses on solution based therapy and specialises in r's.

My head is kind of spinning as i completely get your point grl of if I kick him out, can I live with that knowing it's my decision. Plus on the flipside, can I cope with his coming in when he wants, showing S no attention whatsoever. He comes in to shower, sleep, and occasionally eat when no one is around. The thing is, I don't know. I can see the benefits to both, and my head is spinning so much that I just don't know which path to take.

I think I do need to take stock and get a plan together. And I'm aware I don't really have the gift of time anymore.

I have told wh I know he is involved with someone else. I said how I know him better than anyone, so I know what's going on. When I say this, it has been met with anger, he brings up that just because he made a mistake before why is he always punished by this. I think he does feel guilt for what he did, but obviously not enough so that he would prevent it from happening again. When he told me he thinks he is making a mistake and that he knows he still loves me, he also says he thinks he has a problem where he is constantly looking for more love from someone and mistakes any attention from a female as love. We spoke in detail about getting help for that. A few days later this talk apparently never happened.

I think there is pressure on him. His own mom says she knows he is cheating. He has a bad rep at work as a cheat. And of course he projects this rage at me.

[JksD]

Cherry, have a good rest and don't worry about this.

If it's going to happen. It's going to happen.

Go dim, Cherry and regroup.

Sara has an interestimg point to make about cake eating which I have mentioned briefly b4 in one of your previous threads.

At a point in time, it may appear that there is cake eating as they swing btw the ap and the family.

I dont know if it makes a difference if you see it as fighting for your M and family vs fighting for your wh.

I believe that there can be a balance btw being firm and compassionate. I think that this balance differs from person to person and sitch to sitch.

I don't know what yours is. And I cant find out for you.

But Cherry, I do know that you are an awesome person and you will be all right with or without your H.

Sara has an interestimg point to make about cake eating which I have mentioned briefly b4 in one of your previous threads.

At a point in time, it may appear that there is cake eating as they swing btw the ap and the family.

I dont know if it makes a difference if you see it as fighting for your M and family vs fighting for your wh.

I believe that there can be a balance btw being firm and compassionate. I think that this balance differs from person to person and sitch to sitch.

I don't know what yours is. And I cant find out for you.

But Cherry, I do know that you are an awesome person and you will be all right with or without your H.

[Vanilla]

He is wayward. You have no control over his waywardness.

None at all.

It may be he isn't dipping his wick, just thinking of it is enough and looking for that.

Let go, detatch and be you as you are.

Truly you have no say in the fact that he wants to be free to be wayward. No technique will alter that.

The Giggalo was very wayward, very very wayward. Only detaching made it possible for me to let go of the outcome.

Stand as long as you want and need. Letting go doesn't mean moving on. It means being detached from the outcome of R, from his waywardness. Imarine two ends of a rope, each side tugging the other to a ravine, if one let's go of the rope neither falls down the ravine.

It means that his waywardness or no, does not drive your emotions, like a motor boat tugging a water skier. WH motor boat is all over and ito dragging you along.

You can be a lighthouse if you detatch and let go. Lighthouses emit their rays to light travellers hope even when there are no travellers.

V

[Coly23]

Cherry, hope you are doing ok?

You've got lots to think about, I know it's a hard decision to make to let someone you love go. When I have regrets about the day in May when I told H that if he wants to leave he should, I think about the previous five months and what emotional hell I was in and then I know it was the right thing to do.

You know from my posts how much pain I have been in since because I helped him make the decision to leave but I think in the end we both need this distance in order to have any chance of healing. I don't know if I have lost H forever but I do know that I loved him enough go let him go...

((Cherry))

[Coly23]

Also what I meant to say Cherry, is that he told you he is leaving next week so it's only a few more days. Could you use this opportunity to do a 180 and ask him if he needs any help packing? That was something my DB coach suggested....

[Surfer]

My grandma always said the behavior you accept is the treatment you deserve. While harsh it has some truth to it.

A very wise grandma. This should be part of a boundaries thread. IMHO.

Boundaries are often very tricky for the LBS, this is even the case for Cherry, who has done well with many boundaries. Why - because the LBS is nice and an easy walkover for the WS.

Surfer

[Surfer]

Cherry,

Try not to stress about this. We all have so many options all the time. This is just one. If you H feels the need to leave, you won't be able to stop him. Nothing you you do or say is likely to change that.

When my W left, with the kids, I had a week warning. I just put on a brave face and coped. You do the same. Talk to you M & D, friends, MIL etc. You could ask for warning as it's important that your S is not around. It could become a core memory for him. I promise you this, this short and intense period is exactly that and when he goes (and I think he will) you will feel calm and I expect happy. Partly because of all the worrying up to the event. After this you will still cycle but it will be easier I believe. It was for me.

Having read all of this genuinely kind and well meaning advice I personally do think that reflecting on cake eating is important. I get that this is down to the definition of a WS and whilst boundaries are needed for bad behaviour being careful not to get too hung up on cake eating is important. Because it can could me across as vindictive or spiteful reacting to this all the time. This is (IMO) very important and is not focussed on enough here. The DB coaches focus on this however.

I think this will sit well with you:

Also what I meant to say Cherry, is that he told you he is leaving next week so it's only a few more days. Could you use this opportunity to do a 180 and ask him if he needs any help packing? That was something my DB coach suggested....

Be careful "Different strokes for different folks" is perhaps a valid point to make. Behave according to you and your core personality. Not another's. If that means offering to help pack or even say nothing so be it. Like I have said it is unlikely that anything you say or do will change his mind. Do what Cherry feels comfortable with. Be you.

You will get through this tricky patch. It will get better. You will feel happier and more in control again. I promise. Try to rest and put it all to the back of your mind as much as you can as the worry and anxiety is only that. It can't help you it can hurt you if you let it. Detach from this brief process (it's easier than detaching from the bigger picture) as it is just that.

Surfer.