Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 5

[PsySara]

I'm a little better today, still a bit low but just trying to use mindfulness and not ruminate. WH's cousin called again and let me vent, it helps me keep my cool when WH and I talk. Not much was saaid between WH and I, he sort of floundered around asking about the kids and very quickly asked about me, I gave a noncommittal answer about myself but spoke about the kids openly.

He should be arriving tomorrow around noon, I will be at work so that's a relief. I honestly am vacillating how to react to him when I get home. Historically he reacts very well when I am warm and affectionate. He tends to melt when I hug him tightly no matter how rough the waters. His LL is physical touch and he bluntly told me last visit to show him affection even if he resists. Being aloof has had the opposite effect of bringing us closer and he has read it as me being repelled by him. So while pursuing is a no-no it has been more effective for me to swallow my pride and hug the @sshole. (that was said in a joking tone btw)

[Sotto]

Hi Sara, I'm sorry you've been having such a rough time lately. Reading along, I think your H and your sitch are all over the place just now - he wants to rebuild, he wants to D - and that's just in the past couple of weeks.

My guess is he may remain somewhat confused for some time and the main thing is not to jump in that rollercoaster car when it glides up. That means not getting hopeful when he says he wants to rebuild and not dashing your hopes against a rock when he says he wants to D. I think it you continue to do those things, it just enables his behaviour because he knows he has a loving W who wants him - even though he is behaving poorly.

IMHO, if he says he wants to D, I would act as though that truly will be the case. So, if you bear with me and follow this through here. If you knew without any doubt you were going to D, what boundaries would you put in place for yourself. Would he get to sleep in the marital bed? Spare room? Would he have to find himself a place to stay? Does he get to hug you and treat you as his W?

Do have a think about this area, because in your sitch it may well be that he truly needs to appreciate how life will become if he follows this through. And I'm not talking about being cold - just honest and open with him about what does and doesn't work for you, given all circumstances. I see so much fear in your sitch and I see you doing all that you can to hold on. I understand that and I have been there. But perhaps it is time to lose the fear and let him go? Sometimes we need to let go in order to hold on....

Xx

[Surfer]

PsySara

It's going to be tricky and emotionally charged inside you today. If you can do just one thing today it's to 'act as if'. No R talk. Just kindness, perhaps even say. "Look I know this is a little difficult for you being back etc, I just want to let you know I get it, now before we go on, I don't want to get into R talk, it will be counter productive now but what I do want to say is I will give you all the respect I can right now as I am sure you will too". The. Give him a hug and see what happens.

Just thoughts. Might not be your choice. But whatever you do, remember acting as if will help you follow your direction of choice - positive self talk. Your feelings if followed most likely will bring negative self talk and a negative direction in your R.

I know I am stating the obvious here, given your circumstances and qualifications. I just want to reassure if at possible. As I know this will be tricky.

Keep to the path today. You can do it.

Surfer.

[JksD]

Hang in there, Sara.

Like I told Cherry, I realised that there is a difference between reaching out and being clingy. I think it's anti -DB to cling in desperation. On the other hand, I think if you can reach out in confidence and compassion without being a doormat, I really don't see why not.

Do what works. When H is swinging, stay on even keel. Validate when possible. When not, go dim and zip the lips.

When H is being normal or nice, match his brightness and maybe just go a little brighter and see what happens. Monitor and adjust.

I think I finally understand the concept of the lighthouse. Of being consistently compassionate. I think the wh are in so much confusion that they will appreciate the consistency that they so lack in their lives. They are skittish little squirrels.

Your H has at least 6 more months before he can file. You have the gift of at least 6 months.

If he starts taking actions to file, then you could start letting him feel the reasonable consequences of a D - less time with the children, alimony, child support, minimised physical access to you.

In the meantime, please take care of yourself first. You must be strong and confident to last the war.

[Surfer]

I think I finally understand the concept of the lighthouse. Of being consistently compassionate. I think the wh are in so much confusion that they will appreciate the consistency that they so lack in their lives. They are skittish little squirrels.

This is great! I totally agree. If they are getting smashed against the rocks wouldn't they reach out to and cling to the stoic, stable lighthouse?

[Surfer]

Then hug him FFS!

Do what works - you know the buttons! Be upbeat. Not downbeat.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

I wish my W would let me hug her. Crikey. That would be amazing progress. I think she hugged me about 2 years ago. She was heading off abroad on a wayward girls holiday. My D6 (at the time) saw her do this and said "Daddy you've done it, you've done it." Poor little mite. What she saw I think was my W
Saying thanks I know you'll find it hard when really she was giving me a thank you - this hug is pAyment for my guilt. Not 100% sure but I never got a hug again.

Surfer

[PsySara]

Sorry I've been so absent lately, DBing my tail off over here.

On Wednesday I bought my WH his favorite food on the way home. He was really grateful and ate the heck out of it. I "acted as if" and was bright and happy, I walked up to him and hugged him very tight. This had the desired effect, he sort of melted into me. Of course there are still bumps, we ended up fighting on Thursday after he asked about how I felt and I was honest. He still feels that my inability to "do fun things" when I was pregnant and had hyperemesis "forced" him to find another relationship. He says it's his fault he cheated but my fault he felt the need to find someone to fill in the hole. I am not sure how I would have been able to fill that hole since he was living in another state when he was so lonely. This is a tough sticking point, one I wish he would be open to MC. For now I am shelving it and will just shut the convo down until I think we can handle it.

Since then we are back to enjoying each other's company. Yesterday I took a long lunch and we went to the mosque together for Jummah. Afterward we went out to eat and I went back to work and finished up my work. Last night I wore a VERY risque outfit and his jaw dropped. We ML and showered afterward and then just collapsed to bed in exhaustion, but it ws a good exhaustion. I am thinking of us doing a weekend Rertouville or something.

Surfer,
I had tears in my eyes when I read about how long you have received affection from your wife. It had only been 7 months for me and that felt just horrible. I wish I could shake some sense into these WAS/WS but we both know they have to go through their journey alone.

Dory,
For now the pendulum has swung in my direction so I am using this time to make the marriage a good place for us. My biggest challenge is keeping my stupid, stupid, stupid temper in check. Any videos or books you can recommend?

Sotto,
If he files for D then I will put significant boundaries in place. He must move out, start paying support for the kids, limited access to them (within reason of course, my desire isn't to keep his children from him) and extremely limited access to me. In the meantime he has dropped D talk again and is asking if we should start looking for houses. This time I am not jumping on that train and I've let him know I need time.

[Surfer]

PaySara

This reads really well. I think keep a lid on the R talk yes for now. You need to build happy memories to replace the unhappy interactions this will take a long time and even the slightest slip in terms of backsliding will provIde seriously disproportionate results.

Keep those emotions in check. I found it was best to avoid conversations at time when my W was edgy. Usually early in the morning and late at night. I also ran for 20mins each day. Both helped in a way. But your R is very different. It will probably be 2-3 years since we last kissed and 5 years since we were
Intimate. It's very hard but intimacy is certainly a bond maker. So if there is any form of touch, keep it up is my view provided you both feel happy with it. Also little and often talks and touches work really well as I am sure you know - obviously he racey dress worked wonders too. Best get that dry cleaned and quick!

Surfer.

[JksD]

Sara, I would love to have videos/ books on how to zip my lips. This is my achiles heel and will probably be for the rest of my life.

MWD has a section on changing the steps of the dance in some of her books. Like what surfer said, note the when, why, what and how of these triggers. And change any one these steps.

I think you're doing a great job by not committing to these talks and leaving them to the therapist.

Perhaps for the time being, you could distract him whenever you sense these talks coming up.

Seems that physical touch and validation are working on your H.