This person is honest and open in a way I have never encountered before, patient, and has some baggage of his own. Our interactions and deep conversations are not only supportive and comforting, but helps me process things from my M that I wasn't able to finish with WH. I feel myself grow and move forward as a person, and regardless what we end up as, I will take with me this experience as extremely valuable.
Painter this is exactly how I feel about MyNica. We did not end up together but I wouldn't trade what I learned from him for anything. I really don't think I'd be in as good of a place as I am right now without that experience.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Zues, you say you see women who weren't appreciative, we diagnose personality disorders and FOO dysfunction, etc.
My ex was not horrible when we were first married. Part of why I married him was that he thought better of me than anyone else did, including my own mother. I said this often. He supported me when I got my MA, even though I left a very good job to do it. When I renovated our second home, people congratulated us on it and he gave me all the credit. He was generous with money and sometimes with other things too.
The thing is, he really is very selfish. He was rarely helpful around the house unless I made a huge fuss. He paid less and less attention to me over the years, and he stopped being a real partner whenever there was a conflict to sort out. He would just abandon his part of whatever the responsibility was and leave me to handle it. He drove us into the ground financially. When we moved to the west coast, I was four months pregnant with a 4 yo and a 1 yo and he didn't even take a day off work to watch the kids when the moving truck came. Considering he worked for moms at a company that supports parents as its mission, and was a C level executive, I think it would have been excused, but he wouldn't do it. This is the tip of the iceberg of ways he withdrew from partnering with me, but it gives you a sense for how much responsibility he put on me all the time.
And I took it. I loved him. I fought for him when he started cheating. I would have put up with it till the end of my days if he had engaged in the marriage, and I would have been proud of him too. I overlooked his stoop and his bald spot and the hipster wardrobe. I was OK with doing all those things until I realized that he wasn't taking it as an expression of love but of servitude.
The manner of his leaving has poisoned all my memories of him. The way he treated me, the lies he told, the garbage he expected me to put up with, his cowardice in making me be the one to throw him out and me be the one to file... the fuss he pitched about the settlement agreement (he wanted me to keep and support the kids full time on less than half his salary when I hadn't worked in 12 years; I ended up with about half) shows that he didn't care about me or the kids at all. He's selfish and irresponsible. He has chosen to become that, in spite of having been a shy, charming, handsome young man who just wanted me to be happy. It could all have been so different, if he had chosen differently.
So yes, I'm diagnosing dysfunction and substance abuse from where I am now. How else can I explain my devotion to a man who treated me and our kids as he did? Good men don't make the choices he's made. I'm not on this forum bragging about him because there's nothing to brag about there.
On the flip side, I am dating someone now who, for the most part, is working hard to figure out how to be a good family man. He's not flawless but he tries. His priorities are right. He shares my values and he is proactive, not reactive, in supporting them for both of us. He engages with my kids from where they are, not comparing them to anyone else. He understands who they are and doesn't judge them harshly. He helps around the house without being asked -- AND IT'S NOT EVEN HIS HOUSE. And guess what -- because he engages in conflict in a constructive way, I am able to grow too. I've discovered (gasp!) that I'm not always right... something I never had the chance to learn with Mr. Fantastic. He cheated us both of more than just a stable home life when he couldn't find the strength to fight through the tough patches.
I SO APPRECIATE MY GUY.
I'm sorry this isn't a forum where you see the best of relationships. I hope that when the right one comes along you are able to see it and that your faith in another person can develop too. It hasn't been easy for me at all. My judgment isn't always as sound as I used to think and I'm quick to retreat so I can avoid hurt. I don't know if My Guy is a forever guy but I really, really do appreciate what we share right now. I'm not just a bitter old bat finding fault with my ex where there wasn't fault to be found.
I haven't been posting about My Guy lately partly because I'm basically happy and that's not something to blather on about. We're out having fun a lot of the time. If you found a forum on happy marriages I have to wonder who would be posting there because what would there be to read? Two nights ago he installed a ceiling fan while I cleaned the kitchen. The first part he did with my S8 helping -- my boy's face was all lit up getting to learn how to DIY with a man he really likes. The second part, after my kids went to bed, My Guy & I did together -- just quietly working together on a project we were both ready to finish. What's there to talk about? But for me, it was the perfect evening.
I wish you evenings like that, Zues. The joys you share with your kids are joys that you should be able to share with an adult too. When you're ready, I hope they find you. Anybody who works as hard as you deserves that.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
