DDJ, I agree love is a choice. I choose each day to be with H. I try to love him each day as well. But to fall in love again--well how do you suggest I do that? Surrender my heart, but how? I would be a fool if I didn't learn a lesson here--and that he or anyone else can hurt me--anyone can hurt us if we let them-- and really, we can only rely on ourselves in life. I will never need another person.
so how does one fall in love with someone? I believe that we are born to fall, but the fear of getting hurt keeps us from falling. Ordinary love is painful and who really wants pain. BUt if you think about your first few years together, that feeling of being in love was perfection. Nothing could break that feeling, you were walking on water together. Then he fell out of love, broke your heart and you both sank into the lake.
Now facing the pain, facing the fear and just letting go of it is the key. But you have to break your heart one last time in order to let go and surrender to the love that your mind is stopping you from feeling.
You look at your H with consternation and fear, anxiety and sadness of a life once lived. And you're losing out on the best moments of your life - right now. Forget about the future, forget about the past.
Just jump, jump into his arms one day and never let him go!
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
It matters to you a great deal. Your belief appears to be forgiveness is ESSENTIAL? I ask if that is your belief?
So I ask what does forgiveness mean to you?
What does it not mean?
To me forgiveness isn't essential. That's my belief.
And it is not necessary to forget either. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting. You may never forget.
Is there bitterness, the need for revenge, are you living in some type of harmony?
Can I recommend the Jeanne Safer book on forgiveness. This book changed my world.
I have no anger, I didn't understand why I had no anger. Surely I should have anger, the thought consumed me that I could not heal unless I had anger. Then I knew, I had let go of the need for revenge, I had let it go. I just wanted the Giggalo gone, he hasn't asked for forgiveness. He keeps on coming like the Terminator. For money, still I have let him go and although there is damage it's my issue.
I have let go of the need to forgive. That need has gone. I don't need to forgive him. I have let go of the damaging feelings of revenge and bitterness. It's happened, I can't undo it and I thank God I found out quickly otherwise the damage would have been greater. I have no need to forgive to live in peace. I wish him well I truly do. I hope things work for him although I suspect they won't.
Consider, have you forgiven but are still holding on to memories? Do you think if you can't forget you haven't forgiven?
V
V, thank you, I am going to read the book. The thing is I don't actually know the answers to these questions because the answers are changing. The more I think about it, the more I don't know how I feel about it. I do think I need to forgive him to stay in the M, so yes, it's essential. I do want to forgive him. Not only for the M to work but because I don't want to harbor these negative feelings.
Is there bitterness? Yes. Sigh. Part of the problem. That I am slowly letting go of. What does forgiveness mean to me? I think it means that while I don't have to forget, I do need to accept what he has done and that it will always be in our history now. It's so hard to accept something that my entire life I thought I wouldn't.
I am impressed that you have let go of the anger. I try, I do. But admittedly it is still there. My mom asked me when I am going to stop punishing him. I even didn't realize I was. It feels more like I am punishing myself. He is still waiting for me and he has even told me this ...
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
DDJ, thank you for this. It makes complete sense. I found myself laughing when I read it tho, because you are quite poetic and obviously a romantic! I am so practical in my thinking. And practically speaking, his BS shenanigans made no sense to me! It still blows my mind what he did.
You are right in that I am not living in the moment. I am thinking about the past and I keep him at arms length, which prevents us from moving forward. I will try harder. I just need to make that final leap. Sigh.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
It blows my mind as well what all of our WS's did...I totally get why it would be hard to trust again, (I wish I knew in my sitch) but maybe the same thing you tell us about letting go to get them to realize what they are losing is the same letting go to the past so you can find the new love/M with your H?
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
Hey Blu, don't try. DO. If you try, then there is a chance of failure.
Last year I went skydiving for the first time. It was a surprise and I had some alcohol poisoning (inflicted from my own bday party the nite before). But I couldn't say no, fate had intervened. Well i could have said no, but i would not be living life to the fullest. Enjoying the moment.
Your H loves you so much, he's willing to wait until eternity for you to fall. He will catch you the moment you decide to DO it. Someones motto on here states "Love awakens love", and that is so true, so love with all of your heart, not for the past or the future. Love for right now, every second of everyday.
Ps, yes, i'm a hopeless, helpless romantic. I get it from my Father.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Yeah!!! I am glad that you are feeling more connected with your H!!! ;-) I hope it continues!!!
We all still have a lot to be grateful for, I know I have a great house, great circle of friends and family, my dogs and this community here to keep me going!!
Thanks Blu!!
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
