Often times when I read your posts, I think of the Simon and Garfunkle song, "I am a rock I am an island". And I say this affectionately, because I think it's a beautiful song and because I think it is a nice trait to feel things so deeply and intensely even though that type of sensitivity causes more pain. Perhaps that sensitivity also makes you appreciate a bit more, the good things in life too? You are doing things right, and I think if you decide to pursue love again, you and your partner will certainly have the best possible chance for success. If it is not something you ever wish to pursue, that is ok too. Kind of like taking that pool shot...you have to be focused and mentally ready right?
I am glad your children are thriving, and that there is hope in your current career. Sorry that you are still dealing with tensions from ex wife. She's the one that left and broke up the family. Seriously. It doesn't make sense to me either. What did she expect?
And hey, maybe there is a lot we learn from games that we can incorporate into life. Your daughter certainly sets a nice example
I remember a time Zues, when I felt like you and Vanilla were my only port in a storm that I thought was never going to end. It seems and feels like a lifetime ago that I thought Mr Ex was worth dying for. It seems ridiculous to me now to even contemplate that he was worth my life. But maybe that isn't it, maybe it was the escape from pain.
Is it strange to feel simultaneously like I am a million miles from the person I was and still feel that I haven't changed at all? I feel this dichotomy daily. I'm not sure how to make sense of it sometimes. But rather than attempt to find answers anymore, I am finding more comfort in letting the future evolve in its own time and pace. Do I become frustrated and anxious that things are not moving more quickly for me, for sure, but if BD and losing a love has taught me anything, there is no reward to remaining attached to anything.
I don't mean that we shouldn't love and care and commit to others, to our work to our communities, but loss and change is inevitable, and there are just no guarantees. It is strange to feel completely uncommitted, or maybe completely committed to letting go. I realised sometime ago that my attachments to how I thought everything needed to be, or how people "should" behave and be, had me trapped in a perfect world, where I was expected to be perfect too.
I see now how much of my own misery was in my own hands. I struggle to watch others doing as I did, and unable to give them the key to the door that will set them free.
The pain morphs doesn't it Zues, it changes and colours some things brighter, illuminates them in fact and for other things it fades them making them dull and unappealing, or at times ugly or completely invisible.
I am not explaining myself well at all. But I have been thinking about you and myself as we transition into newer landscapes and geographies for this part of our journey. What will come of us Zues?
I remember back in the beginning of my journey I told you how I felt for most of my life, nothing more than an observer of others, an outsider, I was Charlie, with my nose pressed up to the glass of candy shop, while others pranced about inside, singing and dancing and indulging in everything the candy shop had to offer. I feel less like that these days. I don't think I feel anymore connected to people or anymore liked or respected or included, but I think I feel it less, there is less pain, less feeling of exclusion.
So i think if I can feel the same but different in my life, maybe Zues you do too.
I am not sure of the point of writing all of this was, maybe it was just the point of writing to you.
Zues, I always love seeing your updates. There are only a handful of people I check in on, and it always makes me smile to see your thread at the top of the page.
I'm glad you are doing well, your kids are thriving, things are more settled. I'm sorry your X is still into the drama, but not surprised.
I have a friend who raised her son as a single mom from the time he was three. She chose not to date, but to focus on him. It was what was right for her. But now, 17 years later, he's in college and she's pretty lost sometimes. She made a decision, but didn't reassess, and I think she regrets it. I know you don't made decisions lightly, Zues, I just want to remind you to reassess them occasionally.
Mostly, I just wanted to say hello and thanks for the update.
Juju- thank you for your post. It's funny, I don't see myself that way, but I probably am. I'm probably a boxer too. With some parsley and sage mixed in.
Sunny- Hi Sunny! Yeah, I get what you're saying. The funny thing about your story though is that there are plenty of people that made their decision to get married and invest in a relationship, and their partner walked and they ended up lost anyway.
JB- I like your Charlie and the Chocolate Factory analogy. Just last night I was out for a team meeting and felt this way totally. People think I'm super funny, I fit in to a degree, I am good friends with everyone in the group individually, but somehow in the group environment people have some weird social games going on that I find peculiar that people play. I guess the only thing I'd adjust in the analogy is that I don't want to go into the candy store and join the others. I don't like candy. But I do sometimes wish someone would come out of the candy store and stand outside the factory gates with me while creepy old men startle us with spontaneous history lessons about the disappearance of Willy Wonka.
I think I get some of what you're saying about dropping expectations, going with the flow, and all of that. Maybe I have more work to do. I feel I've reached a point where other people's behavior doesn't bother me, it just isn't something I want close to me either.
Specifically in my feelings towards relationships, I'll admit that I feel it just won't work for me. The standards look impossibly high. I don't see women out there that are supportive, loving, and appreciative towards their men in good marriages. I see women that have left their men. I see women who's men left them and are saying 'good riddance' because their marriage was awful and they were either going to leave, or were gritting it out but had tons of resentment of how awful they were treated. I see women that say they weren't loving and supportive because it takes two and their spouse wasn't doing their part. I see women saying they wish they could kick their ex in the nuts, diagnosing them with personality and family of origin disorders. But I have yet to hear anyone say "I loved my husband, he was an amazing person and a great man, and I was truly appreciative of him and all he did for me and my family". I'd like to say if I got off these forums and joined a forum on successful marriages I'd see more inspiring examples of how it's possible, but I'm pretty sure they're few and far between, and get fewer and further between as you layer on prior marriages and kids. I've spent years recovering from this fallout and feel it's a win win if I sit this one out. I'm not looking to do this again, and women clearly aren't missing out anything with me because I'm not going to pretend to measure up to these standards, so it's a perfect fit that I just avoid the whole disaster. In writing this I think it's funny because it's not my expectations I think look out of line.
Oh, and I'm not trying to single out women here. Men are probably no different. I'm just looking in terms of my own potential partners.
On a similar topic, my best friend told me he is working on being more compassionate. He said that he isn't very compassionate, and isn't a very good friend. His wife is a family therapist and she told him that if he's not compassionate towards others, it's a sign that he's not compassionate towards himself. He's getting some audio book and trying to learn how to grow in this area. It's odd, I think he's the best friend I've ever had, and he seems super perfect to me. I think he has gone through a lot of pain, so he is very sensitive and thoughtful and considerate, and those are traits we tend to have in common. In fact, he seems like the most considerate person I know. I'm not sure I'd say compassionate to describe him because like me he is high intensity and has perfectionist tendencies. But I guess I don't notice that because I'm geared the same way. So maybe I'll pick his brain, it's possible since I haven't noticed this that I have the same compassion issues.
These are still things that are on my mind. I haven't made peace with being single in my old age, being alone on my death bed, all of that. And it's very possible I just need a few years to block out what I went through and look for inspiration elsewhere. Whatever. It's not really a choice I'm making. I'm just walking the road in front of me that's the only road I can personally walk. Where it leads is where it leads. It simply can't get any worse ahead than behind, so I am feeling pretty optimistic and fearless right now. Good timing that this thread is near locking. I think I'll put the lord of the rings to bed as I end Shelob's Lair. Time to move towards Dune and the sandworms and hunter seekers.
Thank you all for your replies, and please continue to post on your own threads too. I am losing inspiration to post on new threads as I'm starting to feel the futility of it. They need support through a hard time but what I'm writing isn't what they need to hear. So you guys (including you Maybell and Ginger and V and all) and kind of what's keeping me active.
I just noticed you are all women. I don't even know what to make of that. If I wasn't already posted out by now I'd probably give some thought to it, but fortunately those mysteries will be there for me tomorrow.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I do sincerely hope that you will arrive at a place where you will be able to open your heart wide enough to allow another woman into your life. You deserve all the happiness, peace, and contentment that comes with a loving and supportive partner in your life. She's out there waiting for you. Will you take notice AND take action toward her?
There are a plethora good models out there that there's indeed a life after a D with a new spouse. Take my own mother for instance...she's been happily remarried to her husband of 30 years. Change your lens and refocus on those who have gone on to happy second marriages. I see this all the time too. I think your focus is in the wrong place which seems to drive your own internal negative narrative about second marriages/remarried people.
What drew my attention was hitting a trifecta of goodies for me:
Wonka Lord of the Rings Dunes
By any chance do you like Robert Henliein?
If you say 'yes', then I may consider switching teams and go steady with you! Of course, the old fashioned way.
HA. No, unfortunately I haven't read Henliein. There is so much I haven't read. Maybe someday.
I really enjoy reading to my kids. During my marriage I read to my wife too. I like that a lot. For me it's a cool way to spend time together. It's very intimate to me, totally different than just watching a movie together. So I get how cool it is to go on some weird mind trip and then realize other people have gone their too.
But I just got done watching the debate. Who needs fiction, right?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I do sincerely hope that you will arrive at a place where you will be able to open your heart wide enough to allow another woman into your life. You deserve all the happiness, peace, and contentment that comes with a loving and supportive partner in your life. She's out there waiting for you. Will you take notice AND take action toward her?
There are a plethora good models out there that there's indeed a life after a D with a new spouse. Take my own mother for instance...she's been happily remarried to her husband of 30 years. Change your lens and refocus on those who have gone on to happy second marriages. I see this all the time too. I think your focus is in the wrong place which seems to drive your own internal negative narrative about second marriages/remarried people.
Thanks W. I realize I am being a bit extreme. Remember these are just my feelings and not lifelong views. Clearly it's just my psyche's way of telling me I have further healing and living to do. I'm confident that if it's meant to be that my feelings will change and I'll be open to something someday.
There are great examples here as well. I can sometimes get carried away, but the fact that all the women in this community are striving to deal with titanic losses and betrayals and come out stronger is inspiring to me too. There's a difference between dealing with processing natural emotions of pain and anger versus being unappreciative or unsupportive. I'm sorry I allowed those to be blurred. We've all been through a lot and this is a profoundly thoughtful and caring crew here.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
During my marriage I read to my wife too. I like that a lot. For me it's a cool way to spend time together. It's very intimate to me, totally different than just watching a movie together.
I'm speechless. That's the sexiest thing I've ever heard.
Just stopping by this forum to catch up. I Haven't moved in here because WH has not filed for D.
Zues, when your ex complains about the kids going back and forth, you can tell her sweetly that you'll be happy to keep them full time.
She's playing such games. I've seen this fake concern before. Be careful and read up on parental alienation because it is one of the behaviors.
I also wanted to mention something you may not have considered - that a R after a D can be very healing. I have met someone who is still only a friend, but we are aware that we could build a very special R together down the road.
This person is honest and open in a way I have never encountered before, patient, and has some baggage of his own. Our interactions and deep conversations are not only supportive and comforting, but helps me process things from my M that I wasn't able to finish with WH. I feel myself grow and move forward as a person, and regardless what we end up as, I will take with me this experience as extremely valuable.
I thought I was going to be alone for the rest of my life...
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
