Leaving Castle Caladan

[Zues126]

You know what...it doesn't matter. I'm doing better than ever. My kids are good. I'm good. I may have demons but I'm managing them fine. I'm handling what life is throwing at me. And I'm able to enjoy what I've been given. So what if I have underlying issues or valid concerns about the world around me. I ponder that at times but that doesn't occupy my world. I'm not saying no one can reply, but don't think this is keeping me up at night. I just watched the Garfield Halloween Special from 1985, I liked that when I was a kid. My kids LOVED it. So none of this other stuff really matters. It will all be ok.

Thanks DB gang.

[SunnyB]

Zues, I almost didn't post to you yesterday. It seems that when I have anything more serious to talk about than alligators you don't do well with it. Of course you'll be ok. You already are. Be gentle on yourself, please. See the amazing man we already do.

[Zues126]

I started in my current work role about two years ago. I drive a lot for work so I get a mileage reimbursement. It varies depending on my drive time, but it's usually between $350-500/month.

Well, I never really figured out how I was getting paid on it. I didn't see it show up on my base pay, nor was it itemized on my bonus check. My bonuses fluctuate and get taxed a lot, so I just shrugged and assumed it was included in there somewhere. I figured they have to pay me.

Lately my bonuses have been smaller and there is less doubt- it's not there. I asked one of my peers, and they told me that the reimbursements should show up as a separate deposit on my checking account with a memo like "WF Bank P card expense reimbursement". I'd sure never seen that, so I got the number for our accounting department and talked to someone that could help. I was thinking "cool, they must have a bunch of money waiting for me in limbo somewhere!".

Turns out that the money has been going to my ex's account. It didn't ever occur to me that this would be possible, but apparently back in 2010 I had to provide an account number to deposit funds into for a one time reimbursement and I gave them this account as we were married at the time.

So essentially I have had a net amount of just over $10,000 deposited into the account that has been exclusively my ex's. And she never said a word. Just spent every penny and looked the other way.

I reached out to my lawyer. I'm skeptical there will be any recourse for a number of reasons. One is that the account is still joint and has my name on it. I don't use it, I just deposit money in it monthly. But it gets more convuluted because she uses her debit card so there are a lot of miscellaneous expenses coming out, and it might be murky to try to demonstrate that I'm not spending money out of that account.

And finally, even if there is a way that I could demonstrate this was my money (this account was listed as her asset and her account in all of our court paperwork going back a year and a half), there is the question of whether I'd even pursue it. After all, she doesn't have the money, she spent it. She is broke. And she is the mother of my children. Legal or not I couldn't do anything that hurt my children and I doubt the courts would allow that either. I wouldn't mind a lien on the property that I'm paying off in her name, but my gut tells me this is gone.

I'm trying to look at the bright sides. 1) This will be $400/month more that I will be getting going forward, 2) It's already money lost, 3) Some part of this money may have in some way trickled into the lives of my children.

But I find it very, very gross. She has spewed venom at me since BD. She fought and continues to fight to have the children live with I see as her threatening the relationship I have with my kids. She has been deceptive with finances in the past and literally tried to trick me into paying bills that weren't mine. She has certainly taken advantage of my spirit of goodwill and generosity and felt entitled to every penny she could twist out of me because she is the victim and I am the villain. But to literally spend money that I needed to support myself and the children for two years without telling me? This is a new low.

I don't know how I feel. I don't know that I feel violated. I don't feel angry. It is just so, so gross.

I can understand criminals. People that break into a house and steal a computer or something. Great, they're either addicts, sociopaths, going through horribly hard times and are starving, or whatever combination. But it does irk me that people that pass themselves off as 'good people' would do this. People that bake cookies for their family on the holidays, and post cute videos of the kids, and do embroidery with inspiring quotes...and they can literally steal from me and my family.

I'll go with disgusted. I'm just disgusted. It's not as gross to me as leaving a marriage, as cheating, or as trying to remove the children from their father's life, so it's not like I can't handle it. But at least those first three things can be rationalized; everyone gets divorced these days, she needed those 5-10 guys for emotional support, it's only pot/alcohol and everyone does it, and hey, it would be better for the kids to live with her because I'm not a real parent. When it comes to spending money that's not yours though, there's a very, very clear line. Well, to me the other lines are pretty clear too, but this is just ridiculous.

I'll be ok. I am reaching out to my lawyer, I have some pretty good documentation and I'll see what she thinks I should do, or if there is any reasonable option. I doubt it, and I'll be ok no matter what. I am just so sick of this crap. I went through some crazy stuff with my x-gf when I met XW (she tried to sabotage our new marriage and at one point I had to show pictures of my kids to their bus drivers and teachers to warn them about her because she was a true threat to the family). I thought she was just a bad apple. More and more I am just thinking most people turn into real bad people when they get divorced.

But I know it's not everyone. I know Sunny. I know. After all, I haven't done anything like this. I've challenged myself hard, worked with a team of professionals to make sure I was being fair, and have turned the other cheek so many times I am dizzy. So this isn't just my personal narrative, I've been applauded by everyone from my counselors to my darn mediator for crying out loud. But to me you just don't behave this way. You show some grace, some humanity, and you put more care that you don't cause pain to someone else than you worry about whether they hurt you, and you darn sure don't try to hurt them to get what you want along with payback for some perceived slight.

I think this will play out where there is no recourse, and I think my best bet is to just never mention it to her. I've switched accounts now, so the deposits will just stop. I don't see why I'd ever say anything. If she could take the money and spend it it's not like she's going to feel apologetic. I'll just start walking forward and let this go like everything else. I'll be ok, just had to purge that out of my system.

[Zues126]

I'll add that to be fair I could consider her an addict and just give her the benefit of the doubt that she's been beyond morality for the last few years because she hasn't been able to cope.

I don't know, that's mind reading...but if the woman I once loved is that broken then I guess I can find some compassion. That's pretty sad.

Her journey. I'm back to mine.

[Vanilla]

No Zues it's greed and deception.

Your ex gf and xWW have one thing in common.

You.

Just as a BFF and The Giggalo have something in common.

Me.

The abuse by both was to whack me in the head. To choose to have around me authentic and loving friends. Investing in who they are that I can connect with, grow with and share.

That is why I am in Chicago today. And the Irish v All Black Rugby of course, the speak easy, the cocktails etc

[JellyB]

Zues, my dear friend,

I know I am really not one to talk about pain, because periodically I am overwhelmed by my own demons. And I say this knowing that it is the pot calling the kettle black.

There was a time I think when I wore my pain and sadness as a tribute to and a memorial to everything I had overcome in my life, if I didn't remember the battles and the war, then who would remember, what would it all have been for. So I kept flying my flag and standing tall and keeping watch over the battlefield of my life. I would relive everything that happened over and over, experiencing the trauma and loss over and over.

I don't think it was until I arrived here, that I started to question how well this particular life strategy served me.

I've tried writing this a thousand times and I can't make my point as eloquently as you would. I will say this and then attempt to let it be. The pain goes when you let it go Zues. There is no honour to be had in standing over a battlefield where people have died and you made a choice to remain standing guard over the empty battle field and in doing so failed to live

I have been thinking over and over about how you work through issues and problems. I think I recall you saying once that you play things over and over, like practising a particular shot on the pool table, same shot a thousand times, until it is perfected , until on game day the shot occurs like a breath in and out. Automated and precise.

Please forgive me if what follows causes you pain, it is not intended, in fact the opposite is true. I know very little about pool, in fact I am completely incompetent at it, I have never understood angles and due to my complete lack if coordination , holding a pool cue with any finesse is outside of any possibility. I know enough though to understand that if you don't understand the angles of a particular shot you won't do anything more than shift the balls around the table, and fail to make a pocket.

I know you say you are happy right now with what you have with your children and all you have achieved and I don't doubt the fulfilment that brings you. I also know that you say you don't care that you feel you are lone voice on the topic of divorce. I know you say that you are happy not pursuing friendship with women, I know you say that you never likely going to pursue a commited intimate emotional and sexual relationship with a woman again. I believe all these statements are true for you.

But I keep coming back to all these things, all these statements feel to me like you are pushing balls around a pool table and not one of them making a pocket. It's like you want to lose this game. I see you finding more comfort in going over the play by play, pool shot by pool shot that led to the loss of your marriage, than taking everything you learned and putting that into a game where you could win, and likely win big. I'm not sure why the champion has retired, or why in fact the champion in fact seems to have just plain quit.

You wrote recently that you never intend to bicker with us. None of us that post to you Zues experience you that way. Nor is it our intention to make you feel critiqued. You are loved and respected here, by many. Our words and love have no intention to push you away or hurt. We all just want the very best for you. I want the very best for you.

I know that of everyone that posts to you, I'm likely to push a few more of your emotional buttons than the others. You do the same for me. But I know you have my very best interests at heart and you cared for me when I couldn't care for myself. You are often in my thoughts.

Be well Zues. I hope you keep posting.

All my love as always my friend.


JellyB xxx

[Zues126]

No Zues it's greed and deception.

Your ex gf and xWW have one thing in common.

You.

Just as a BFF and The Giggalo have something in common.

Me.

The abuse by both was to whack me in the head. To choose to have around me authentic and loving friends. Investing in who they are that I can connect with, grow with and share.

That is why I am in Chicago today. And the Irish v All Black Rugby of course, the speak easy, the cocktails etc

Thanks V.

The interesting part is that I never saw this side of either of them until BD.

I'm still in disbelief that XW would do this. It's simply criminal.

Still, the point is well served. My guard is up. Some feel it is up too high already.

[Zues126]

Zues, my dear friend,

I know I am really not one to talk about pain, because periodically I am overwhelmed by my own demons. And I say this knowing that it is the pot calling the kettle black.

There was a time I think when I wore my pain and sadness as a tribute to and a memorial to everything I had overcome in my life, if I didn't remember the battles and the war, then who would remember, what would it all have been for. So I kept flying my flag and standing tall and keeping watch over the battlefield of my life. I would relive everything that happened over and over, experiencing the trauma and loss over and over.

I don't think it was until I arrived here, that I started to question how well this particular life strategy served me.

I've tried writing this a thousand times and I can't make my point as eloquently as you would. I will say this and then attempt to let it be. The pain goes when you let it go Zues. There is no honour to be had in standing over a battlefield where people have died and you made a choice to remain standing guard over the empty battle field and in doing so failed to live

I have been thinking over and over about how you work through issues and problems. I think I recall you saying once that you play things over and over, like practising a particular shot on the pool table, same shot a thousand times, until it is perfected , until on game day the shot occurs like a breath in and out. Automated and precise.

Please forgive me if what follows causes you pain, it is not intended, in fact the opposite is true. I know very little about pool, in fact I am completely incompetent at it, I have never understood angles and due to my complete lack if coordination , holding a pool cue with any finesse is outside of any possibility. I know enough though to understand that if you don't understand the angles of a particular shot you won't do anything more than shift the balls around the table, and fail to make a pocket.

I know you say you are happy right now with what you have with your children and all you have achieved and I don't doubt the fulfilment that brings you. I also know that you say you don't care that you feel you are lone voice on the topic of divorce. I know you say that you are happy not pursuing friendship with women, I know you say that you never likely going to pursue a commited intimate emotional and sexual relationship with a woman again. I believe all these statements are true for you.

But I keep coming back to all these things, all these statements feel to me like you are pushing balls around a pool table and not one of them making a pocket. It's like you want to lose this game. I see you finding more comfort in going over the play by play, pool shot by pool shot that led to the loss of your marriage, than taking everything you learned and putting that into a game where you could win, and likely win big. I'm not sure why the champion has retired, or why in fact the champion in fact seems to have just plain quit.

You wrote recently that you never intend to bicker with us. None of us that post to you Zues experience you that way. Nor is it our intention to make you feel critiqued. You are loved and respected here, by many. Our words and love have no intention to push you away or hurt. We all just want the very best for you. I want the very best for you.

I know that of everyone that posts to you, I'm likely to push a few more of your emotional buttons than the others. You do the same for me. But I know you have my very best interests at heart and you cared for me when I couldn't care for myself. You are often in my thoughts.

Be well Zues. I hope you keep posting.

All my love as always my friend.


JellyB xxx

JB, your words have never caused me pain, they land on me as gently as a butterfly with sore feet.

I am a champion. But not all games can be won. And not all games need to be played.

I don't play much pool in MN anymore. Back in the glory days, 2005-2009, there were a lot of 'open' tournaments. Anyone could play, no handicaps, fight it out and let the best man win. During this period I dominated the tournament seen. This lead me to having a very high level of confidence, a strong personal narrative, and the funds to start competing nationally and taking shots at major events.

Then that started to change. Whether it was the economic crash, the poker boom taking away from the player pool, the increase of online activity with iphone or social media addiction, shorter attention spans, or just a natural decrease of this game, pool in MN started a drastic decline.

The way pool promoters fought this was to start handicapping events. There is a lot of debate about it. Weaker players say they want a chance, and that they can't afford to 'donate' to the same winning players event after event. Tournament promoters said they weren't steering the ship, they were responding to the demands of the masses. But almost overnight the open tournaments went extinct, and the handicapped tournaments became very popular.

I tried them for a while. I still won a couple. But many, many more I lost. And the losses were excruciating. See, every time I won they would increase the handicap. But people were scared of me, and kept losing. Then it reached the point where the handicaps were so high they simply couldn't be afraid anymore because they really couldn't lose. Then their game jumped back up because they weren't scared, on top of a disproportionate handicap, and it became so I simply couldn't win. I could still outrun someone a set here or there, but I was losing money, and getting blasted out of tournament after tournament.

Worse than that, it began to hurt my confidence. During my 4 year reign I had so much belief that when I competed in regional and national events I couldn't help but feel confident. I was a winner. I was a success story. I was a killer. When I walked around the room, I had a bounce in my step. After a while, though, I started to feel like a failure. Like I couldn't win anymore. Like I had 'lost it'. My best days were behind me. That's just how it felt. So not only didn't I have the funds to go play bigger events and represent my state, I didn't have the same level of momentum when I did take a shot and step up to the highest levels.

It was painful and frustrating. Finally, one day, I had enough. I quit playing handicapped pool events for good.

These days there are still a few open events each year. Maybe 3. Maybe 8. They are inconsistent and smaller than they used to be. But that's ok. I play them when I can. I won one 3 weeks ago. I lost one this weekend. But it was a joy to compete. Outside of that I will step up where I can. I'm playing out of state in Chicago this month, and in Wisconsin next month. When I can't travel I will simply practice on my own. If that means there is a 3 month stretch where I don't compete, that's fine. If pool gets to the point I don't get to compete anymore ever again, and all I can do is play in my basement for the personal satisfaction, well, so be it. But I would rather do that then play those handicapped events.

And I've made peace with it. I'm not upset with pool. I'm not upset with the players. I'm not upset with the promoters. Not at all. I don't feel like the world owes me anything for the work I've put into the game, or that there is a way it 'should' be. It was my choice to learn to play. The world is how it is. Now it is my choice to do what I want to do. And right now that is to play when it makes sense, and to abstain where it doesn't. Personally I am of the opinion that pool has lost something. That the young players don't strive the way they used to because they get spoon fed with attendance trophies, and more importantly that they don't aspire to pool greatness because they see the way top players are unrewarded (it used to be the opposite, people would strive to be the guy in the center stage with the glory). But those are just my opinions. I'm not changing the world, I will just live in it peacefully.

This is exactly how I feel about marriage. I don't know that we ever had glory days of marriage or LTRs. But I have lived it twice, seen it play out, and since have opened my eyes up to look hard at the world and try to understand how they really work. And like handicapped pool I see a game that can't be won, a game that is unfair, a game that doesn't lead down a path I want. Like I said about pool, I am not here to talk anyone else out of playing, I'm beyond wishing it was another way. But based on everything I've seen I have concluded what I desire is different from what's available. At least at this point in my life.

So when you say I'm merely shifting balls around the table, or that I'm not winning, I guess I don't know what that means. Who's winning? I don't see people winning, if winning means having a relationship that I would desire to be in. Personally while I'm not here to talk anyone out of anything, I think it is a big breakthrough for me to be able to find some peace and acceptance that the world works differently than I'd have hoped, and to be able to enjoy what I have been given without letting that get in the way of my appreciation for these things.

My therapist told me I shouldn't get involved with a woman anytime soon, that I needed to focus on my family, that it could be 3-5 years to fully heal. My psychologist said "don't do anything stupid like get involved with another woman! Your kids need you right now." My mother told me that she thinks it would be concerning if I started looking at other things so soon when I am still trying to rebuild my life and I have obligations to my children that didn't ask for any of this. This all makes sense to me. Yet I read the threads and at times this seems like a dating support group, one that assumes I'm clinging to some negative mindset because I don't want to free myself and open myself to new relationships. It seems like everyone else is going a different direction from me and I just don't know what to say anymore in these updates.

But that's ok. All of you are amazing people, have helped me through the hardest time in my life, and I'm honored to be a part of this group. I've never had anyone show the good will and care that you have, and for that I thank all of you.

[Ginger1]

Hey Zues,

I don't think anyone thinks you need to be dating right now. I just think they believe you shouldn't write off the possibily for the future, which you may have for now, but are aware that it could change in a few years.

Yeah, us oldtimers on here use this place as a dating support group. I know I do. I'm just at a different place. I'm over 8 years in. Dating after divorce certainly has it's challenges and it's nice to have the support here. But nobody wants to push you into dating when you aren't ready.

You come here and say what you want to say. Whatever it is. And there is nothing you want to, then don't. Sometimes I discuss kid situations, how to deal with my ex and his OWW. How marriages around me are crumbling and how that is affecting me.

There is no "fitting in". We come from all walks of life, from different places, and at different stages.

[Rose888]

Zues, you know your wife, but is it possible that she just didn't realize?

Is she the sort to balance her check book and have a budget? Or does she have a more relaxed approach?

This could easily happen to me without me realizing it.