So I busted my wife's intense emotional affair. I believe she is now going through withdrawal. How long does this typically last and what should I do or say during this period? What should I expect? When will I know that the withdrawal has run its course.
- M:32 and WW:31 D4 - Married 5 years, 11 years together - ilybinilwy 9/28 EA Confirmed + request for divorce - 10/16 Affair ended - 10/28 WW wants to reconcile after I agree on divorce - Current - Piecing
I moved your post to Newcomers with the intent of more people seeing it so they will be able to offer support.
How did you bust her EA? Would you please offer more information so that everyone here can have a better idea of what has been happening?
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
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The length of withdrawal is not the same for everyone. If she is exposed to seeing him, hearing his voice, reading messages, seeing photos, etc.......the less likely she'll be able to withdraw. She has to be willing to do what's necessary to break hold of the addiction. If she works with him, change jobs. If he goes to church with her, change churches. An in-law, stay away from family gatherings where he'll be attending. A neighbor, move away. I'm serious! An emotional affair is very powerful. Never underestimate the effects of an EA.
I think depression, usually, goes hand in hand with the withdrawal period. Her willingness, or lack thereof, to save her MR will probably determine the length of time. She has to have time to get him out of her system, and free up her emotions/heart to love her H. She can't truly be in love with two men at the same time....in the same way. Give her some time to process and adjust.
If your W is remorseful, then I believe her withdrawal time will not last as long as one who remains in a bitter, wayward state of mind. When you can see her words lining up with her attitude/actions......then those are the biggest clues about far she's come through the withdrawals. I think for women, especially, the attitude usually tells most of the story about what she's feeling.
Christy is right, we need to hear much more about your story.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I found out about the EA and exposed it to everyone including her employer. Because of our financial situation she cannot change jobs until she finds another. She is being transferred to another division where she will not have to interact with OM. The OM also lives in a different continent and so their chances of seeing one another is slim to none. She has been very remorseful and is committed to saving our marriage. She has given me access to her emails, phones (work phone too), laptops and is very honest about everything and accounts for her time now.
However some days she feels distant from me and just wants to be alone and some days she is the opposite. My emotions are high and don't know what to expect. I know it will be long tough road ahead of us but how do we restore the passion that we once had for one another with me smothering her?
- M:32 and WW:31 D4 - Married 5 years, 11 years together - ilybinilwy 9/28 EA Confirmed + request for divorce - 10/16 Affair ended - 10/28 WW wants to reconcile after I agree on divorce - Current - Piecing
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I have read the pursuit and distance thread just now and it absolutely makes sense. I'm going to start implementing it. What are some of the behaviors I should expect to see during this period. How will I know that she is completely out of the fog and through the withdrawal during this process of pursuing and distancing myself?
- M:32 and WW:31 D4 - Married 5 years, 11 years together - ilybinilwy 9/28 EA Confirmed + request for divorce - 10/16 Affair ended - 10/28 WW wants to reconcile after I agree on divorce - Current - Piecing
I suggest you keep reading and learning but in a nut shell, after OM withdrawal, should be followed by depression, and then another phase of withdrawal(mostly from the whole world).
There are no simple fixes here, think of her like trying to feed a squirrel.
Hold out your hand with food but no sudden movements towards her or away.
Following your situation as it is where I hope to be, as tough as it is for you now. Keep it up!
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
