It is the FIRST email that I had with Jeff. For those who don't know. I couldn't post because the interactive part of the boards were blocked for me at work. I could however read along.
These emails became my lifeline...
Words of wisdom ???
It kept me going, so it was all wisdom...
Couple of heavy hits to get out of the way.
A high number of MLCers have affairs. Not saying yours is, just something to bear in mind. Figure out what your breaking point is. I thought an affair was mine, turns out it wasn't. Being lied to over and over was.
There are no guarantees. Even if you did everything by the book, there are no guarantees.
I am a firm believer in DBing or DRing...whatever...you want to call it. But I am also a firm believer in standing up for yourself. And that is a huge balancing act at times. DBing is about becoming a better person...its a self help book. You help yourself you look more attractive.
Piecing...is harder than standing or waiting. If you think this succks, just wait.
This one is going to succk. 9 months seems like a long time, it isn't. Can you handle that? If you can make it from day to day, you can handle it. If you look down the road your going to want to give up.
Will you get your marriage back?
Ask yourself that question.
I always said yes.
Always, right up until I was done.
I always knew it would work out.
Stupidly, but that kept me going, just knowing that deep down, I was going to successful, I wasn't going to fail.
How about you?
Going to hit some points.
I am glad that you say your in the anger phase. Because it seemed that way in reading your email. Angry about her, and toward her.
Can she tell, in your interactions or non verbal communications with her?
Use your anger as your shield not your sword.
Use your anger to fuel your: "I don't care what you do." But not to fuel your coldness toward her in your limited contact. Your coldness shouldn't radiate outward.
Your changes she isn't going to believe in anytime soon. Don't give them up, otherwise she is right not to believe them. "Too little to late," means she dosen't think they will last, and is almost a challenge to you. "Too little?" Don't fu#$ing believe it. "Too late?" Prove her wrong. And "Too late" for who? Her? Screw her, the changes are for you anyway, right? They had better be.
Yeah, she pissed because it took you this long to do it, and willing to bet she thinks your just doing it to keep her around. Which...really you are at first. But I hope you come to realize that work is work, and family is EVERYTHING. Kids are only kids for a short time before they turn into teenagers.
Her blaming you is pissing you off, it is a button. Realize this, she is pushing your buttons because she knows how you are going to react. Change it; change how you react. Don't be defensive don't get uptight don't even correct her.
Your reference to a direct question...you mean a direct question about your realationship?
Stop asking those questions.
If you mean do you like mac and chesse...then...I don't know what to tell you.
Critical of everything she did...she blames you for everything...See a pattern?
Overtime, we reflect each other. Sooo...succk it up and start showing her what nice is. Take all her crap and be nice, and when she dishes out more crap be nice. Almost like piecing. Biting your tongue, learning to talk correctly.
Time is on your side, it really is.
A WAW would walk away, and move on, that's what I did. Done over gone. I was done when nothing changed all the talks led to more talks but no change all the chances blown.
She is in the same house, she has not walked away.
The hard part...f*ck man all of this is the hard part.
Stop reacting when she pushes your buttons. Don't use your anger in the wrong manner.
Believe you can do this. Show your wife a new way and allow for a long time before she changes...
Don't point anything out to her. Do not say I have changed. Prove everything through actions, not words. Be consistent, she is looking for you to fail to justify her actions.
Any of that help?
I don't remember if I answered the last question or not....
I would like to apologize most sincerely if I offended you with the suggesstion that you were being 'selfish' heaven forbid. It's not like you were selfish anytime in the past concerning your marriage, right? I mean that would be just down right wrong of you to do and very very very wrong of me to imply.
However, IF you were a naughty nelly in the past and were selfish, I guess I would say that turning a new leaf isn't exactly just waking one day and deciding not to be selfLESS. I suppose that would take time and committment and the desire to do better. And maybe even have others point out when you aren't really walking that selfLESS line, cause I don't know...you asked them for advice.
You seem like one of those spinning plates on a pole, you ever see them? They keep spinning and spinning and eventually wobble and crash. Well...not in a circus, golly! There the jugglers keep them spinning and spinning..anyway. It seems like you are wobbling...alot!
Make up your mind one day...change it the next. That must be hard on you. Wouldn't it be easier to stick with a course of action; don't you think?
The emotional affair, I just 'hate' those people don't you? Don't they know your wife is yours? Bottom feeders. Icky people.
I'm pretty sure that the lawery is going to say, "She is talking to another man on the phone in your house!!! We've got her now!! Please tell me you took pictures!" At least if life was fair that should happen, and then their feet get roasted in hell for it.
I also totally understand that if it came down to a chance to mend your marriage by making personal changes and being empathetic, or come out of a divorce with better posistion, I sure as surly know which one I would do, after all its all about who I respect right? It's what is in for me and my kids, my decisions should show what is important to me, what guides my dreams and hopes, shows me to be the man I want to see in the mirror. Right.
Again, sorry if you felt I was unkind is implying you were selfish.
Also sorry for being overly blunt before.
Later I'm going to try and shite out a rainbow somewhere else too.
You come here with a definition of success, and then you find out that the definition changes.
I am a success not because my wife is still married to me, but because I DBed, (and listen up boneheads : ) STILL DB to this day and always will no matter whom I am with)
Same with Bill.
Same with Mach...
That wisdom and insight is paid for in hard times and overcoming...empathy from having done it and seeing it in others.
Did I mention...no of course I didn't...that my W and I got into a fight / argument on New Years Eve/New Years?
Ayup...
I know I shouldn't have BUT...
She basically went all chick on me. Seriously. It takes two to tango and all that, but in this case unlike my marriage falling apart...I was actually innocent.
I wasn't so innocent in the argument, however.
How or why it started...not so important.
He said/she said.
The chicking out on me.
She wanted me to do something. I didn't. I gave in, and then she got upset. To the point where we weren't rockin in the New Year, instead we fought.
The reason I bring this up...isn't to point out how cool I am.
...which I am by the way. : )
The point is, that during the fight I actually noticed that I was slipping back into old Jack's way of fighting prior to DBing.
Imagine that.
And part of me, didn't want to DB. Because I was THAT pi55ed off.
But I did.
The fight turned into an argument, then talking, and ...well understanding. I was still too geared up to sleep so I went downstairs and killed some zombies.
The next day she had to work a bit and when she got home, things were still a bit tense. She asked if I was still upset I said yes.
I also asked her, if there was anything I did the other night that I should apologize for. She tought long and hard, and said, No, it was actually her fault. I then apologized for the way I reacted.
I then asked her after everything that happened if she had apologized to me.
She said if I would shutup she could. And did so.
When I say DBing is a lifestyle I mean it. I am better for it, and so is my marriage. Boundaries still exist for you, and your spouse.
The old Jack, never would have asked for an apology, he would have let that fester.
Chicking out.
Totally my term. So when it becomes popular I started it.
When a woman does the Venus thing.
Chicking Out (v) - orgin - North American Jack When a woman vehemently professes one thing but means another. My wife totally chicked out on me when she said that woman was attractive and asked me if I thought so too. I was too smart however and said no at first, however, she said it wasn't a trap, and wanted my honest answer. Now I'm sleeping on the couch.
For the ladies:
Manswering (v) - North America Jack When a man isn't paying the proper attention to a women's story, he will manswer with prompts (ahuh, you got that right, that's too bad) to show her he is pretending to listen. Smart women use this to their advantage. In the middle of manswering his beautiful wife's story, Dale discovered that he just argreed to go the the bridal and flower show with her next weekend instead of watching the game. Poor Dale.
This actually comes from an email that he sent to me in August of 2011... when I was at probably the lowest point in my life...
"We all come far (hopefully), we are all better than when we first came here. But we all have far to go...there is no finish line. Not if this is for the rest of your life."
I didn't understand it fully then... I think that I do now.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
