wife is going through withdrawal

[MJTT]

I suggest you keep reading and learning but in a nut shell,
after OM withdrawal, should be followed by depression, and
then another phase of withdrawal(mostly from the whole world).

There are no simple fixes here,
think of her like trying to feed a squirrel.

Hold out your hand with food but
no sudden movements towards her or away.

BE STILL.

I sometimes feel like I'm doing the heavy lifting right now even though she was the one that had the affair. Is it normal for her to not want to even kiss or be affectionate during this period? It's so hard because I never know what to expect from her. One day she is hot and the next cold. Reading the Pursuit and Chaser thread has definitely helped me.

[Cadet]

Is it normal for her to not want to even kiss or be affectionate during this period?

YES

[MJTT]

Following your situation as it is where I hope to be, as tough as it is for you now. Keep it up!

Jug I have read through your posts and your own story. I'm sorry for you my friend. Hang in there, it will get better and YOU will come out of it stronger.

[sandi2]

However some days she feels distant from me and just wants to be alone and some days she is the opposite. My emotions are high and don't know what to expect. I know it will be long tough road ahead of us but how do we restore the passion that we once had for one another with me smothering her?

She is going through a process of mourning over the loss of the A, and becoming attached to her H again. She can't just switch overnight. I have observed many LBH's being focused on having sex, b/c he sees it as sealing the deal, so to speak. His first objective was to end the affair, and his second is to have sex with his WW. I'm sure you realize that men and women are not emotionally wired the same way, and it is especially true with a H who has a WW going through withdrawals from an A. (What was your sex life like before the A)?

You are right about not smothering her with your ever presence. At the same time, however, don't just ignore her. I suggest you focus on having fun times, instead of passionate........until she is a little further down the reconciliation road. Plan times to share fun activities, and do things as a family or in a group environment. Watch comedy shows, and stay away from sad romantic ones for a while. You will be dealing with a sad woman who will likely feel ashamed of herself. She will need a lot of support while going through withdrawals.

If she's like most of the WW's I've read about, a romantic atmosphere puts pressure on her. Currently, she does not need to deal with that type of pressure. This is the time to work on your friendship. That statement may startle some readers, b/c they don't normally hear me saying to be her friend. And as long as she displays disrespect toward you, I don't think you should try being her BFF. However, when you are reconciling the MR after the A has ended and she has agreed to work on the MR, and she has remorse for everything she's done....then that is where you start, IMO.

Btw, the 37 rules were not designed to implement during reconciliation of the MR.

I don't know if you were sleeping in separate bedrooms, but if so, both of you should sleep in the MBR. It is a step forward in the reconciliation, and will naturally lead to having sex sooner, IMO. Just don't initiate sex right away, and work more on the non-sexual touches.

I am cramming a lot into a thimble size post. Please give us some details about your marital history, ages, kids, etc.

[MJTT]

Sandi you are spot on with your post. I now realize that I've been trying to get sex from her to seal the deal. Our sex life before the A was good (at least 3 times a week). We have been together 11 years and married 5 years. We also have a 4 year old daughter that we both love very much.

Prior to this she was vicious towards me and was defensive about the OM. Here is what I did to get to where we are today:

1)Exposed the affair
2)Told her I didn't want to be with her anymore
3)Told her I would never speak to her unless it was about our daughter
4)Made her realize that she would spend less time with our daughter as a result of divorce

I'm just now trying to figure out how to proceed with the recovery because I want to make sure that we truly recover from this and make our marriage stronger. We have talked about our shortcomings and where we failed in our marriage. I have started to work on those issues but sometimes I feel as though she is not putting a lot of effort into it. Maybe it's because she's still withdrawing from the A (A ended 2 weeks ago)?

[LiM]

MJTT,

This is a long process and you're just in the very, very beginning. You've talked a lot about your W but you haven't said much about yourself. What are YOUR issues? We all have them. I would encourage you to give her some space and time and then spend this time working on YOU. What can you 180? What can you do to GAL? You need to show your W that you are a rock star with or without her.
You need to determine what made you M vulnerable to an A. Can you see what was going on in your M that allowed the A to become an option? Nothing you did or didn't do was responsible for the A. In the end, it was a series of very poor CHOICES that she made and she alone is accountable for that. But somehow, your M became vulnerable to an A. Figure out what that was and work on changing those things.

[MJTT]

LiM I was guilty of neglecting my Wife, not listening but trying to "fix" her issues. We also had communication issues that we are both working on. We went to 2 MC sessions after the affair ended and that has helped us communicate a lot better and believe we are starting to understand each other better. She made the comment to me the other night that she felt like we both wanted the same thing but we communicated differently that it made her feel like she was alone in her thinking. I grew up in a family where we did not hug alot (I also have no sisters) and she was the opposite.
I've been spending some time working on the issues that plagued our marriage mentioned above but also have been GAL. I'm also helping more with my daughter and her family because they're going through financial hardships. i love my wife dearly and know she's mourning as Sandi said so I'm just tying to be patient but at times it's so hard because I feel like there's no end in sight.

[Jug]

Mjtt,

Seems like you are doing the right stuff. Could you please put a summary of your situation with dates in your signature?

[sandi2]

I sometimes feel like I'm doing the heavy lifting right now even though she was the one that had the affair. Is it normal for her to not want to even kiss or be affectionate during this period? It's so hard because I never know what to expect from her. One day she is hot and the next cold. Reading the Pursuit and Chaser thread has definitely helped

Her work may appear quite differently than yours, for a while. If she has really ended the A and has decided by her own free will that she is going to work to save her M.........then trust me, she is miserable and will be probably be agonizing before she gets through the withdrawals. Also, I want you to realize that she thought she was in love, apparently, and now she has lost OM and her feelings for you have NOT returned, yet. I don't understand why H's think their W should be able to fall out of love with him, fall into love with OM, then fall out of love with OM, and be instantly in love with him again. She ended her A, but her feelings have not adjusted........and won't until she gets OM completely out of her head. So, I suggest you settle down and get ready to apply patience you didn't know you had.

You are here, getting new information every day. You are learning how to deal with what has transpired, right? Well, where is she getting help.........or is she getting any at all? Does she know that A's are addictive and what she currently feels is withdrawals? Does she understand that transparency is to help her stay on the straight & narrow, as much as it helps assure you that she hasn't engaged in contacting OM? Does she realize the craving to contact OM may get stronger before she whips it? Does she know that not having "in love" feelings for you, now, does not mean they can't return. I think every WW fears being stuck in a MR without feeling love for her H. Btw, understand that agreeing to stay in the M, does not produce feelings of love. She has a lot to do before those feelings return.

I've often said that I was so downhearted that I had to get willing just to be willing to work on my M. The energy level, nor the feelings were there to help me. However, your W is much younger, so hopefully, it won't take as long for her.

If I had not had the information from the board, I shudder to think where I might be on this very night. I felt no hope for my MR, and had no positive feelings for my H. I only had information from complete strangers on a forum. That was all that kept me going. I can't help but wonder how many WW's would do more to save their M if they just had information about what to expect. I do encourage you to get professional counseling for couples who are healing after an A. That means, of course, finding a C who is pro M and who gives solutions to the couple.

I'm just now trying to figure out how to proceed with the recovery because I want to make sure that we truly recover from this and make our marriage stronger. We have talked about our shortcomings and where we failed in our marriage. I have started to work on those issues but sometimes I feel as though she is not putting a lot of effort into it. Maybe it's because she's still withdrawing from the A (A ended 2 weeks ago)?

Start by not expecting her to be in the same emotional place as you. At some point, you may experience some anger over her actions. That's normal, too. She will not be genuinely able to put the effort in the YOU currently want to see. She is not excited about the M, okay? Listen to me when I tell you that getting through the process that's required for her to get back to being. Loving W, is more EFFORT than you can imagine. Not to discourage you, but it took me MONTHS to get through withdrawals. Know why? B/c of I did not let go of the "what ifs" and "what may have been". In other words, I continued to fantasize about the OM, and that kept the A alive in my mind. As long as a woman keeps it alive in her thoughts, her true loving feelings for her H won't be felt. Basically, she can't desire two men at the same time.

[Chris73]

MJTT, I'm following your thread and offer any support I can. My wife and I are in a very similar situation and I've just started posting here within the last few days. The advice offered here for your situation has been very helpful to inspire me in these moments of hopelessness. So please keep posting, as will I.

Here's to staying strong for our wives!