wife is going through withdrawal

[MJTT]

Sandi you are absolutely right. She has always been a very smart girl and has been reading on how to end an A and what to expect. Your input is valuable and always appreciated. With the help of this forum I find myself having more patience then before. My W is really trying and I can see it in her efforts and I do understand that she has a long recovery ahead. We slept in separate beds but she invited me back to our MBR this week. I apologize for not updating as often but as my MR is still ongoing I will try to update more if there are any changes but so far I feel that we are on the right path of recovery. I'm not pushing her but just being there for her for support per Cadet's reccomendation and so far she has responded quite positively.

[sandi2]

She invited you back into the MBR? That is great, and shows she is trying to get to a better place. My advice to you is to take things in the bed very, very slowly. And if for some reason you hit another snag, you should NOT leave the MBR. Think of MBR as meaning "Marital Bed Room", so the one wanting to save the M should always stay in the MBR.

I suggest that you use this time for pillow talk, cuddling, or if the mood is light........being playful. (Depending on her mood, as to how cuddly she wants to get). Since you've been wanting to have sex, she may even initiate it......to show good faith, so to speak, in doing the work to repair the M. But then again, it may be way too soon for her. Have no expectations and don't push. If you will take time to be emotionally intimate before being physically intimate..........I think the rewards will be worth the wait.

If she's for real, I have to say it sounds good, although it seems rather quick. It's a good step in the right direction, and it may be all she can do at the moment. Just remember there may be a few setbacks or you may hit a place you think the R feels like walking through jello.........but stick with it and you will make it.

Are you working on having fun times as a family or with other groups? Don't breathe down her neck all the time, but I think having something on weekends (especially) to keep busy, and hopefully, it will help her keep her mind off the OM.......is important. She doesn't need to be going on a girls night out or staying overnight somewhere without you, until after she has fully gotten through the withdrawals.

[bigybiz]

MJTT, I'm just caught up on your situation and I'll do what I can to offer you my support.

I'm very envious of your situation. I too exposed my W EA - to this day she insists it was just a friendship. But now we are living apart, etc, etc.

Needless to say, I'm envious that you two are piecing. There is lots of good advice here from Lim, Sandi2, et al.

Stick with your GAL, support her and the only practical advice I can give is - how ever you think she is going to respond - it will be not what you expect.

Take it slow and keep your mouth shut.

[MJTT]

Just a quick update. The other night we talked again about how the EA happened and what we could've done differently. She expressed she felt so much pain for hurting me. I just sat next to her and looked her in the eyes and listened without judging her and I basically agreed with what she said about the failures from the both of us in our M. She wanted to hold me and I comforted her as she kept saying how sorry she was. I gave her a kiss on the cheek and told her that we would make it and come out stronger if we both work at it. She kissed me (on the lips) and one thing led to another we ended up having passionate sex. She still has not told me she loved me yet and I haven't told her either. I've learned that her recovery has its own timeline and not on mine. Since that night we made love (Sunday) she has been very caring and blushes when I "accidentally" brush her arm around the house. I think we are progressing quite well. We started a watching a new show, cooking together and spent time with one another without expecting too much (per Sandi & Cadet's advice). It basically feels like we're dating all over again and I have to admit the butterflies are in my stomach when we do these things. I still think about the EA alot but I try not to let it consume me and my quest to saving my M.

Bigbiz - This forum has helped me understand what to expect and made me realize that I was being too selfish in wanting my W to "speed up" her recovery for me. I hope your situation improves. There was a time when I thought my M was over but just hang in there.

[sandi2]

It sounds as if she feels remorse, which is good. It took me ages before I got there, and once I did.....,then it was very hard to forgive myself. It took a long time.

If she asks if you forgive her, then give your answer. When she is saying how terrible she feels about the pain she caused you, it sounds like you are giving good responses. Don't say, "Oh, that's alright", b/c an A is not okay. Telling her that it means a lot to know she is sorry, and being open & honest is helping you to deal with it. Seeing her efforts and working together to have a more fulfilling relationship is the best encouragement she could give you.

[Cristy]

Hello MJTT,

Are you still with us?

Healing from infidelity can be a long and rewarding journey together. It sounds like your wife is remorseful and the two of you are focusing your energies in a positive direction.

Having said that, be prepared for setbacks. It is totally normal and to be expected.

Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[MJTT]

Cristy,

I'm still here. Just a quick update The holidays were a rollercoaster for us both. There were moments where we had great fun and then there were moments where she felt that she does not believe it could work. My W has always had a pessimistic outlook on life and I was the opposite. You are right and that there are setbacks. My W is still very depressed from the A and believes she can never be happy with me again. It is so hard to deal with the hot and cold moods. I'm not sure of how to convince her with my actions that we can be happy again because she still does not believe that she could love me again. I also know that the A has not started again. Even though we still make love and go on dates I can't help but wonder too if she'll ever have that level of love for me again.

[MoveFrwd]

I'm not sure of how to convince her with my actions that we can be happy again because she still does not believe that she could love me again.

Maybe this is your problem? Im not sure you can 'convince' her of anything. She has to make the choice internally to be happy and to 'love you again'. All you can do is continue to be her best choice.

[Dawgs]

^What he said.

[sandi2]

Good to see you posting again. I was concerned that you may have left.

W is still very depressed from the A and believes she can never be happy with me again. It is so hard to deal with the hot and cold moods.

Here's the thing, a WW operates out of emotions. The affair was based on how OM caused her to "feel". The secret affair was intoxicating and heightened her senses. It's like taking some type of feel good pills and then suddenly have it taken away. Her thought process, physical body, and emotions were all tied to a fantasy. Then it was taken away from her, and in place of what felt good to her senses......is numbness. She knows her H is watching her with high expectations. It is more pressure, b/c she feels like she is trying to force life into a dead woman.......and each that she feels no positive response, it scares her. Remember me telling you the worse fear a WW has about reconciliation is that she has lost her only chance at true happiness (OM), and her feelings for her H will never return.....leaving her in a dead M. These are her fears talking, but it is not truth speaking.

Is she still working for that same company? If so, then it is a constant reminder of the affair. I mean, you outted her where she works.....and yet, she can't leave before securring another job? I am glad I did not have to face my co-workers every day and be reminded of the A/OM. If she has not left that business, she must get out of there now!

Another thing you may not have considered, and I can almost hear the backlash from others when I say this..........she probably felt as if you had her ride a horse, stipped naked for everyone to see. I know......it's crazy, b/c she betrayed you. However, she may honestly feel something similar betrayal by you. It's kind of a double standard, but women use to believe their H would protect them from the world....regardless. Doesn't make sense, I'm sure.....however, if your W has this sense of being left vulnerable & naked, it could be a blocker for better feelings toward you. I am not suggesting you bring it up, and don't apologize for outting the affair.....b/c that is a can of worms you don't want to open while she's debating ever having love for you again. Just let it alone. I simply want you to understand that this can happen with some women, which means she has to get around it.

There is just so much emotional crud that a WW has to sort out and heal, before she can feel "normal" again. Based on what I read from LBH's, some men resent their WW "getting off so easy" and not having to suffer like he did. Maybe not......but if she is being real, then never doubt that she suffers and/or doing her share of the lifting. The WW and her LBS are not in the same emotional time zones. Her pain comes at a different time than his pain. She didn't even come to her senses when he finally "woke up", b/c she had gone into another time zone. Her work may appear different from his when they reconcile, b/c she is at a slower emotional pace than he was after the BD. He despartly wanted to save the MR when she wanted out, and he felt so much need and desire for her. Well, she doesn't have that need & desire for him right now. It will take time for her to get those feelings again. She has to use sheer will power just to hang with it, and hope to God she will get the emotional energy to do the work necessary for a MR she currently doesn't care about. I wish H's could digest this about his WW. Instead, most H's get impatient b/c of the lack of passion in his W. She has to swim an ocean, while he stands tall, steadfast, and strong..... ever shining that beam of light for her to get ashore. They both have a lot of work to do, just in different ways.