Focus on Me and the Boys 10

[Vanilla]

Still ping pong emails?

Stop!

V

[J5K]

Thank you Sara,

I truly do understand I cannot control any conversations that she has with the boys or what she does. My intent was to communicate that if she had any concerns with the boys on therapy or medication to discuss with me.

V,

I am trying very hard to not ping pong, I truly am.

Two days ago we ping ponged again over division of the furniture. I will spare the details of the emails. The one response that stood out to me is the following from XW.

XW: I offered a more than fair list (whatever you had "pre-marriage" is the same as the gifted stuff. So stop throwing that around like it means something. I mean honestly I made it more than fair. Making sure all the big ticket items our parents purchased for us went to the proper person.

She continues to comment and act on feelings and emotions. I won't even call it entitlement anymore. Even my L agreed after she saw the email chain that just because XW's parents bought the household items does not mean that XW owns them.

Yesterday I think I did a bit better with less ping pong.

Here are the texts:

XW: Any word on what's happening with the division of property?
Me: Nope
Me: What weekend would you like to have your visit in December?
XW: I get the kids for Christmas
XW: Their last day is the 22 or 23?
Me: 22nd and you have them until 9pm on the 24th this year.
XW: No that's not right
Me: Read the agreement.
XW: It's an even year so I have them on Christmas
Me: You have them odd years
XW: Oh
XW: Ok fine whatever
XW: So I guess I get them the 28 or 29? They go back on the 4th?
Me: No read the agreement. Have to get back to work
XW: I've read the agreement Jim
XW: You want them the whole break? Fine
XW: I'm done fighting with you
XW: As for the property we can put it all up for grabs
Me: We are going to arbitration
XW: And whatever neither of us wants well sell and split
XW: Well I don't want any of it
XW: It's not worth paying to move it and store it here
XW: I don't have the money to do that
Me: That must be tough
XW: Yes it is
XW: As far as the agreement goes
XW: We split the Christmas break
XW: And I get the kids this Christmas Day
XW: So I would have them from the 22 to about the 28
XW: We split it in half
XW: Just spoke to the lawyer
XW: I'm right
XW: We split half the break
XW: If having them on Christmas Day is a big deal to you I don't care if you have them from the 22-28/29
XW: Just let me know so I can arrange things on my end

So at this point I send XW an email and copy my L.

Per our text conversation earlier today, we are not in agreement with the Christmas Break parenting time which now falls to the default schedule B (I copy the paragraphs of the agreement and schedule into the email).

XW: Jim I'm very confused by this
XW: Do you want me to only have the kids 2 days over the break and you get the rest of the time?
XW: Is that what's "in dispute"?
XW: Are you seriously not willing to split the time evenly?
XW: Well I guess the best weekend for me to have the kids would be December 2, 3 and 4 to space out the traveling for them.
Me: Ok
XW: Any chance you'd want to meet earlier than 7 on that Friday?
XW: Traffic going to London at that time is crazy
Me: Nope
XW: Ok

Later in the afternoon I send a follow up text:

Me: We are following the schedule in the JOD. This applies to me next year.

XW: Oh whatever Jim, this would not apply to you next year, you know why? Because I would split the Christmas break 50/50 with you. Because that would be the kind and decent and right thing to do not only as a person but more so as a parent because the boys should enjoy the holidays with each of us.

I really don't know how to take this last comment of hers. If XW and I were separated maybe I would agree to a split for the holidays, but I see things more black and white, this is what she wanted so this is what we will stick to.

Am I being unreasonable? My M is over, the agreement is signed by both of us, the judge still has to sign and it has been almost a year we have been apart and a year and a half since BD.

[sandi2]

XW: It's not worth paying to move it and store it here
XW: I don't have the money to do that
Me: That must be tough

Jim, I think you need to just stop trying to validate her when texting, until things settle down. It does not sound like validation. It almost seems hateful at times. I don't think you mean it hatefully, but that's how I would see if I were in her position.

I don't know how to advise you about the holidays, since she lives away from your city.. If you give in to her, then it will be that way for every holiday. It may be, anyway. As you said, next year you will be the one without them.

[J5K]

Sandi

Ok, at this point whether I validate or not she still has it in her head that I am the one at fault. Unless I agree to her terms or comments or actions everything is not ok by her perspective.

I am trying to minimize any texting and email conversations we have.

[Painter]

XW: It's not worth paying to move it and store it here
XW: I don't have the money to do that
Me: That must be tough

Jim, I think you need to just stop trying to validate her when texting, until things settle down. It does not sound like validation. It almost seems hateful at times. I don't think you mean it hatefully, but that's how I would see if I were in her position.

I don't know how to advise you about the holidays, since she lives away from your city.. If you give in to her, then it will be that way for every holiday. It may be, anyway. As you said, next year you will be the one without them.

It sounds sarcastic because it's via text so it comes through emotionally 'flat'. In person, you use tone and facial expression to convey your meaning.

On the kids - if there's a good reason that the agreement is written that way, stick to the agreement. When in doubt, stick to the agreement.

Why didn't she ask for this holiday split before the agreement was signed if that was what she wanted? If she wants to change it, she can pay for her L to make an amendment it and present it to you. Don't give in to her requests with a promise of returning the favor next year.

You're seriously fighting over furniture? It's all marital property, unless you have valuable family heirlooms and ask for them to be kept separate.

Second-hand value of furniture is neglible. Split it evenly and be done with it. She has to take care of her half - not your job to move, store or sell for her.

[J5K]

Painter,

I am not fighting over anything. If I do not agree with XW's logic then in her eyes it is a fight.

My L suggested I sit on this issue. We have until Nov 30th to resolve. XW's last text was keep it all. I will send a message tomorrow stating that based on her last text she is forfeiting ownership of the storage unit and then she can react to that.

[J5K]

On the plus side, I have a lot of vacation that I am taking which allows me to catch up on reorganizing in the apartment.

I get an email from S6's teacher, he has a laundry list of aggressive behavior yesterday.

I forward the email to L, L says to talk to the psychologist from the D proceedings and get a referral to a good child psychologist. Calling her later today.

Not sure how to communicate this to XW as I know the response will be "they want to live with me".

I spoke with S6 in a very calm voice and asked him to come and sit next to me. I asked him if he had a good day, he actually told the truth and said no and started to go down the list of things he did.

I asked him why he is so angry and he said he is angry about mom and I and that he wants us to be together. I gave him lots of hugs and said that we both love him and things will be ok and that if the anger comes back that he can come and talk to me and we will figure out how to get rid of the anger. I told him I will always be there for him.

S6 has been the most problematic with behavior but the others are starting to escalate also. I signed S8 up in some art expression at school which the social workers recommended at the school to help him.

Need to figure out what to do for S7. S4 has always been defiant but his behavior is starting to get worse in daycare and of course S2 is starting to mimic the older brothers.

IDK, sometimes I feel like I am not doing the right thing. That I should let XW cake eat and try and do things as a family and be more flexible and build a friendship with her and maybe who knows one day.

[sandi2]

You really have your plate full. I hope you get some emotional/mental relief soon. I really respect the way you are trying to take care of your sons. Having one child to go through what your five have experienced, is more than some parents could handle. Don't give up, Jim. This school year will probably be rough for them b/c they may feel all of this stuff happened to them, yet they had no say about it. I'm glad you are getting therapists for them.

[Coconut]

JimKao,

I would recommend checking out Karate Dojo's in your area. My experience with my son is that Karate is a great outlet for kids, and if you can find a good Sensei, your kids will learn a great deal about respect, discipline and have another role model in their lives. Karate had an amazing impact in my sons life.

[sandi2]

Great idea!!