Thanks G. I enjoy your posts and am a big fan. You're doing a great job being ok with not being perfect. That's pretty cool.
Rose, you might be right. I've considered the possibility. Maybe she didn't notice those deposits. Maybe she did but didn't realize it was my money and just looked the other way. Maybe she knew darn well it was mine and has been laughing about it for years.
I have reasons to think she knew. Yes, she is very in tuned with her bank statements. She is on several government assistance programs that required her to provide bank statements and look at her cash flow in order to be approved. She got mad at me once because she asked me to pay a bill, and instead of paying it directly I threw the money in her account, and this messed up her deposit totals. There are other reasons, but I suspect she is very aware from what I know. But it doesn't change anything about how I will be handling it, which is essentially letting it go and moving forward. The only reason it matters is that I know what she is capable of so I protect myself as well as I can in the future.
It's been a hard few days with her drama. She has continued to launch accusations about various things and keeps trying to build a case or plant seeds that our children's living situation needs to change. She's citing all of these problems and saying "If we can't find solutions maybe a change is needed", etc, etc. It's pretty fatiguing. It stinks being chained in any way to a person that is treating me so nastily. I am dealing with it the best I can, but it does still hurt at times and I have to let each offense go one at a time. Then it takes my time to respond appropriately. I don't get drawn into drama, but some of her attacks demand a response, even if it is just a few sentences to deescalate things. And I am constantly documenting and preparing for the day when she tries to make a move on my parental time. It may not happen, but there is too much at stake to not worry about it.
One funny note is how differently people can look at things. She's made comments that hint that I left the marriage, and that we were in agreement about not working as a couple and wanting a divorce. This is odd to me because there is no room for misunderstanding. I look back at our email threads from around BD and it is pretty clear that she wanted a divorce and asked me to leave. Repeatedly. And just as clear there are exchanges where I told her that's not what I wanted but I wouldn't stop her, and things along this line. So I guess it's just surprising to me that in her mind I initiated the divorce and left her, and that we both agreed it was for the best.
That's not occupying my thoughts, just something I wanted to share. I think the general theme is part of something greater, which is being heard. We all want to be heard. Sometimes we post just to have someone hear our voice. And in bad relationships no one feels heard. That is why validation is so important. But in order to hear others we have to be able to quiet our own voices, otherwise it's like an argument where both people are shouting and no one is listening. I think the thing that wounded me the most in all of this is being completely unheard, and the fact that she can remember things so differently than they happened is kind of evidence that she wasn't listening to me. And this is one of the biggest reasons I am happy to be on my own right now. I am so sick and tired of fighting to be heard. For the right to be who I am. I don't want to defend myself or try to explain why I am who I am. I don't want to be dismissed because I see things differently, or I am not the way someone else thinks I ought to be. I just don't want to deal. G, you're right, this could change, I know you're years down the road and I get that. But right now it's just a blessing to have some peace and quiet, interrupted only by the echoes of the past that are increasingly just white noise.
I am off tomorrow, bank holiday. Woot. Thanks Veterans. I don't know why we've been in some of the wars we've fought, but that doesn't change the tremendous sacrifices that were made for our country. As for me, I'm taking my kids to a chess tournament 12/3, it's on XW's weekend but she knows the kids want to go so is letting me take them. See, I eat a lot of crap sandwiches, but the payoff is that things aren't entirely poisonous and if we're not cooperative at least we're not trying to destroy each other. She is a good mom and wants what's best for the kids (I just don't agree that it hurts them to live with me 50% of the time). I wanted to work in some good things in there because things could be much worse, and I am grateful for the fact the kids have two parents that love them. So this weekend we're going to celebrate D5 who is now D6's birthday, read a bit, practice some chess, and just have some time together. Oh, D9 won my apartment's coloring contest they put on so she is getting a $25 Target gift card. She'll be very excited, she loves to draw and color and tried really hard to win (somehow she is a bit on the competitive side ).
And JB, I appreciate your post as well. I'm lucky to have you posting on my thread, so thank you for speaking your mind and for your graciousness. Give us an update on your end sometime. Maybe move to surviving forum?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Kudos Ginger. I don't do well with accepting imperfection. I can handle it on my own because I know how hard I strive, but I know it can lead to me resenting criticism from others.
Ha, I just noticed how I say I don't do well with this. Maybe I just don't accept imperfection perfectly enough. The fact is I'm doing much better, better than ever before, and probably good enough.
OK, then just to get it out there, just sent this email to my L. I'm pretty at peace with all of this, but I think it's worth the $25 fee for the email exchange to hear her reply. I'll let you know if I learn anything surprising, but in the end I plan on moving forward and continuing to let everything else go.
I've given a lot of thought to the erroneous deposits. My conclusion is that I would only want to address it if it would be a clear cut case, with no possible legal dispute. You know XW well enough to know that there would be no reasonable discussion. If the case is murky then it doesn't make sense to take it on, as this would just be incurring thousands in legal fees to sue someone with no money that is the mother of my children, all while creating a new level of animosity in an already tense situation. I don't need my children growing up with parents fighting in court, sicking lawyers on each other, and fighting over money. So unless it is something that is so black and white that I could just show it to a court and they'd shake their heads at her and immediately put a 12K lien on the property, I think I need to let this go. Do you agree with my assessment from a practical standpoint?
Also, I have been a bit alarmed by some comments XW has been making lately regarding parenting time. As you'll recall she was very opposed to the 5-2-2-5 parental schedule during the school year. Well, she continues to bring up how difficult this is for the children, how bad it is for them, how they are suffering because of it. I would even say she is doing things at times to make mountains out of molehills and sabotaging the exchange of children to make this unduly difficult on them in an attempt to 'build a case' to revisit this parental agreement. She continues to reference how we might need to 'revisit this', or how a 'change might be needed', etc. In just the last month she's brought this up maybe 3-4 times. My son has even told me he has overheard her saying how stupid this is, and that they should just live with her full time. Should I be concerned with this? Should I be documenting anything in particular? Is there anything I can do on my end beyond the obvious that would ensure that she has no reasonable way to take some type of action to try to alter the parental schedule? Or is this just not a worry, and I should just keep breathing and making sure everything on my end is handled impeccably?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Your son's remark is important, I think. She is not respecting their relationship with you and that's a big no-no to the courts.
I would ask through the L's that you both attend parenting classes, and focus on expressing your concern about the impact it can have on the children that she doesn't think they should be with you equally.
Have you read about parental alienation? It can be subtle or blatant, and different states have different legal definitions and consequences. There's a lot of good info there about it.
There's a website for fathers - https://www.deltabravo.net/ - that we used to recommend. You might find some interesting info there.
Best of luck on preserving your custodial time!
I had to smile a little when I saw your comments about perfectionism. I'm struggling with that exact issue and I know that it contributed to the breakdown of my M. It's great for work, though!
So through a neat twist of fate, I have met someone who confronts me about this because of his own experiences in a M. I'm working on accepting myself as a flawed person who can make mistakes and not feel shame about it. And you know what - people like you better when you do. They think it's endearing and it makes them believe that you're human, just like them.
I had an extremely interesting experience last weekend. I was up a lot of the night between Saturday and Sunday, journaling and thinking about this, after noticing my own reaction to some things that were 'imperfect'. Guess what the homily was about in church on Sunday... our struggle for perfectionism and how it actually interferes with our relationships with other people and with God. Sometimes the Universe answers us very loudly...
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Thank you Painter. I've started looking through that site. I wish I had two years ago. Tremendous resource, and it has good information about some questions that are still on my mind. It is a bit heartbreaking though. The fact that there are precedents and rules governing every horrible contingency is evidence of how rampant the destruction of families is. It is good for me to gain some competence in a few areas, but too much time on that site could be a downer. It makes DB forums look like a pizza party!
I'm going to see what my L suggests in regards to XW's disdain of our parental agreement. I'll mention parental classes and see what she thinks.
Perfectionism is a strange bird. I'm not too worried about it. I have changed a lot the last few years, and while I might lean that way I am at least simply towards the narrow end of the bell curve, and not actually defining the end like I once did. It is something I can manage as opposed to having it manage me. But you're right, sometimes I regret letting go. It feels a little bit like in Superman II when he lost his super powers. I used to have unlimited energy, tremendous drive, and could practically jump over tall buildings. Now I just do my best and it's mediocre in many ways. But then again I am no longer living in constant pain, I can relate to my children, and I feel more free to live my life. So I guess I'll let the others win the 'salesman of the year' or get their pictures on the front cover of magazines. I'm happy just taking my kids to bingo.
But who am I kidding...I still have a little pep in my step. I am not going crazy with overpreparation for their chess tournament on 12/3, I promise I'm not. But I'll be damned if they are so unprepared that they hang a piece in their first 3 moves. We watched a video yesterday on "Black's top 10 replies to 1. e4", and it did a quick outline of everything from "Owen's Defense" to "The Sicilian". I have flash cards made up for them with the name of the opening on one side, and the moves for black, for white, and general themes of each of these opening on the back. We'll spend a little time today and over the next few weeks so when they start the game at least they have some ideas of what is going on. Oh- and I was playing D6 for a while with just my knights...she wasn't doing so well, she refused to develop all of her pieces, and she drove my nuts because she'd pick up a piece sometimes and then start sliding it around the board without knowing for sure where she wanted to move it. So the new rules as of yesterday is that as of move 15 any piece other than the king and rooks that are still on the back rank die automatically, and if she picks up a piece and doesn't immediately place it where she wants to move it, that piece dies too. We played two games like this, and LO AND BEHOLD, her entire army was mobilized, she started thinking before she moved, and she looks like a freaking chess player. Patting myself on the back.
Don't worry, this is only a couple of hours out of our weekend, we'll have time for reading, homework, movies, and some fun and games. If chess isn't their calling I won't push it. But I want them to at least get some exposure to it before they make that decision. I love games and have learned a lot from them. I don't know why musical instruments and foreign languages are required in school and games like chess are considered optional after school activities. In my world games teach so much, and while I don't want my kids to dedicate their life to a game like I did, I at least want them to understand what it means to train and compete.
Have a great weekend all!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Love that your Replacing being salesman of the year with being father of the year. Now that's growth and something you will look back on with no regrets. I think that the workaholic "cats in the cradle dad" will eventually understand what he missed out on. Sadly though it's the kids that suffer.
It doesn't matter the game or activity ...it's the attention your giving them. The way in which you strive to share your life with them. To teach them something. Any thing.
I see the differences everyday between the kids that have the support of their dads and the ones that don't. I have become really good at picking out the kids at every activity that come from homes of single moms. It's crazy but You can tell by their attention spans, the attention seeking behaviors, and limited discipline And something else I can't put my finger on...but I recognize it.
Anyway, this is great stuff zues. You have lucky kids that are benefitting from your intensity, perfectionism, loyalty, and, discipline. The universe is funny that way.
Thank you J. Very affirming message. XW is pretty dismissive of me as the 'play dad' and looks at herself as the 'real parent'. It means a lot to know there is more than that going on.
It was a big sacrifice to give up pool to start a family. I mean, I still play, but I gave up my chance to push for a world championship or something serious. People don't really understand what that means to give up. They just shrug and think, 'well, there are billions of people that aren't world champions, everyone else is in the same situation...' But that's not quite true. It's a little heartbreaking because it felt like God put me on this planet to achieve greatness with pool, it was my one task, the music I was supposed to write. And it was important, important enough that I played 10-12 hours a day for many, many years, pushing aside pain and hunger and fatigue because this is something I *HAD* to do. And instead I'll die with that music left unsung. In it's own way it is as sad as a divorce, just the desolation where a family used to be, and this feeling like "It wasn't supposed to be this way" that never really goes away.
But I'm glad I made the choices I made.
And I still get to play a little. I went to Chicago last week. It's funny, each day I played I played a bit better as the depths of the game consumed me. I wish I could say I was playing to inspire my children or something, but from about Thursday through this morning I didn't think about my kids even one moment. I was totally, totally, totally absorbed in the game.
Friday I got to playing pretty good, then there was a 9 ball tournament at Red Shoes yesterday. I got a good draw and made it to the final two, I was the favorite in my other few matches but I played great to put them to bed. Then I had to play a young man that is probably the best 9 ball player in Chicago to win the 'hotseat' (last man undefeated, double elimination format). He is only 17 but has been playing serious pool since he was 10 and is a true talent, possible future world champion. Watching him play I couldn't even picture beating him he looked so flawless. But that always makes me dig deep. I wanted to try to keep up with him. Race to 7 games, he had me down 3-1, playing superbly. Then I found a gear I haven't found in a LONG time, and I started playing truly inspired pool. From 3-1 I somehow won 7-4, running through difficult racks on a triple tough 9 foot table where every ball looked prohibitively difficult. Now I'd face the winner of the 'losers bracket' in a one set finals.
My buddy was doing well too. He lost his second match but plowed through the losers bracket beating a few of the top players in the field. He was in third playing this young man I just beat to get to second and the chance to play me in the finals. Race to 5, my buddy started off up 1-0, but then this guy practically ran 5 racks in a row without my friend getting a shot. It was truly stunning how good this man played. My buddy ended in third, and now I had to play this monster again for the title.
It meant a lot to me. If I lost, well, the first set was kind of meaningless. The prize money was a big difference, although not the real point. Most of all, I just wanted to get all the way to the finish line. I mean, 2nd and 3rd for me and my partner would've been great, but I really wanted it. But this guy was so strong. One set, race to 8 games. I had him 2-0, but without making an error he took it away from me, winning four in a row to go up 4-2. Then I got my chance. He had a chance to go up 5-2 but fumbled a shot. I ran out (4-3), then I broke and ran two racks in a row to get up 5-4. So that one mistake cost him three games. They were both really tough tables, one in particular was only possible because I was just on the edge of reality, forgetting about percentages and finding ways to get the outcome I wanted even when the balls would suggest it wasn't possible. We got to 7-5 and I admit I missed a chance to put him away. But at 7-6 we had a great defensive battle and I hit a shot of the tournament that was a GREAT shot to end with, and it earned me the game, set and match.
This was a meaningful win to me. Playing a champion on their home tables in and out of state tournament and getting there in two sets. And playing some inspired, inspired pool. I realized I haven't played that good since my divorce. And the reason is that I haven't been travelling and playing as much. When I play locally I don't get pushed to that level, and then I forget that I can play at that level. So I start expecting less at the table from myself, and I lose faith and belief. When I play regular events against world class competition my magic comes out more often, and I begin to expect and depend on it. So it was awesome to know my magic isn't dead, my best days aren't all behind me. And I look forward to when life settles down a little and I can play bigger events more regularly.
I left Chicago at around 9, and I was so pumped and full of adrenaline that I drove us straight home. I got home at 4AM and went to sleep around 5. Boom. I don't think I batted an eye on the way home. Shots running through my head, replaying decision after decision, heart pounding, etc. Good times.
Finally woke up and getting back on track. Now I get to watch game 7 of the world chess championships between Carles and Karjakin, this is becoming a legendary match too. Starting now, so I have to run.
Can't wait to see the kids this week, then next weekend is the chess tournament. I'm as excited for that as I was for mine! OK, I'm late, talk soon gang!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
One funny note is how differently people can look at things. She's made comments that hint that I left the marriage, and that we were in agreement about not working as a couple and wanting a divorce. This is odd to me because there is no room for misunderstanding. I look back at our email threads from around BD and it is pretty clear that she wanted a divorce and asked me to leave. Repeatedly. And just as clear there are exchanges where I told her that's not what I wanted but I wouldn't stop her, and things along this line. So I guess it's just surprising to me that in her mind I initiated the divorce and left her, and that we both agreed it was for the best.
Like you, My husband said I kicked him out. I pushed him out. That we were in agreement. I have all these texts prooving opposite. I recognize that it can be two people looking at things differently. But this was actually really TRAUMATIZING for me. I mean the worst possible Mind f.. Kind of traumatizing. It is like being told that something that is clearly white to every sane and rational person, was black.
This is a hard thing for me to come to terms with, and makes it hard for me to respect him because to me he is either a liar or in denial or Gaslighting. But at the time made me feel really frusturated and powerless.
Like you, I have trouble coming to terms with it and go back to it As well ( other disagreements as well). I am deeply fearful of having to deal with conflict and disagreement from a future someone that can't fight fairly or rationally.
My first boyfriend was jealous and controlling and would accuse me of having an affair with my female roommate and of having a crush on my brother. How do you even validate something so irrational? The arguments i had with husband were different but felt so similar. They put me on the defensive.
Any insight on the claiming that the divorce was agreed upon or initiated by LBS is very much appreciated!
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