Married my college sweetheart in 1996. We were committed Christians and our first loves. Over the next fifteen years, we had a harmonious relationship, five kids and many, many good times. I worked 12 hours a day and my wife was a stay at home mom. In 2011, she started changing: focused on improving her diet, losing weight, exercising, looking sexy, embracing other religious beliefs, getting new friends, starting her own business.
In September, bomb drop 1 was I don't want to be married any more In October, bomb drop 2 was I love you and another man (22 year old employee of hers, 20 years her junior) In November, she went to see a lawyer to discuss divorce, wants to file after Christmas
Some messages from my wife: I love you; we are soul mates; we will always be connected We have to get divorced for our relationship to grow I love you and want to continue dating you and having sex after we get divorced I can't pursue a PA with the OM while I am still married to you I am willing to risk everything in order to pursue the OM even if it doesn't work out or will live the rest of my life with regret and what ifs The kids will be happier if I am happier I want you to move out but want you to spend time the same amount of time with me and the kids every day (eat dinner with us, put the kids to bed, etc.) I like the changes you have made, but it's too little, too late This isn't about you; this is about me
I read DR and had my first coaching session last week. There is a lot more to the story of course, but will leave it here for now.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Sorry you are here, my friend. It's a very tough place to be, but you are in great hands with those around here!
Quote:
In 2011, she started changing: focused on improving her diet, losing weight, exercising, looking sexy, embracing other religious beliefs, getting new friends, starting her own business.
There are all sorts of flags all over this one, I'm sorry to say. I would be willing to say something started around that time.
The messages from her are odd, to say the least. Seems that she definitely wants that cake. Don't move out, though. She is the one who broke the vows and left the marriage - let her leave the house...but whose name is it under?
All of her messages you wrote are classic. We've all seen them before in one form or another. Some are designed to keep you dangling (soul mates??? having sex after divorced???) or maybe just trying to ease your pain.
Quote:
This isn't about you; this is about me
Probably the only truthful statement of them all.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Thank you. I am definitely not moving out until we actually get divorced or legally separated. The limbo we are in now is surreal. The bad is she has re written our history and blames me for everything (including her EA). The good is she has opened up to me and told me more about herself than she has in years. When she gets really honest, she gets angry and then we make up. What doesn't change is her determination to get divorced. She says she feels tethered and nothing (including me) will stop her from living her dream life.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
It sounds like she wants a polyamorous relationship. Has she used that term with you?
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
The bad is she has re written our history and blames me for everything (including her EA).
All too familiar, sir. My ex did the same exact thing - blamed the EA/PA on me.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
What doesn't change is her determination to get divorced. She says she feels tethered and nothing (including me) will stop her from living her dream life
I hit submit by accident, haha.
Her tethered and dream life statement suggest she is still in the affair or on to a new one.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I thought that is what she wanted too so I asked her. She said no. She wants us to grow even closer together and for me to support her financially, emotionally and sexually. She thinks the construct of marriage has poisoned our relationship into pre defined roles, thus her idea that we have to get divorced for it to get better. Why did she have to limit her personal growth and be responsible for home and children while I got to have a career?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Yes she met the OM in 2012 and somewhere along the line it crossed over from friends to EA in her mind. OM has been with his girlfriend for three years. My wife says she hasn't told the OM how she really feels, so not sure if he feels the same way.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
