hit and run here as I'm running late - will post more later, but have to join in on the Christmas gift guessing game. Here are my guesses:
1. A powder blue princess phone, rotary dial, with the 4 prong plug
2. Your very own year -round Celebration tree for your room with various themed decorations for the various holidays through out the calendar year
3. Your guide to the emoji encyclopedia to take texting to the next level. Heart eyes highlighted.
4. (And this one is the winner) all his love, expressed however awkwardly, because it seems he really is trying (yes, your patience. He's trying your patience. But he's also trying to communicate with you as best he can)
Mwah. Be back in a bit xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Hi HaWho! It is hard to see the gestures when they come between all the crazy. I never know if my H is being genuine or if it's guilt. Plus putting too much stock in them raises expectations.
I will keep stalking your thread to find out what he gave you. Could it be the same electronic gadget he is getting his other family members? I guess you'll know if it's the same size. Lol!
Hi HaWho - I too am keen to find out what the present is..maybe your very own extension for your room??
Seriously though - I do think KML is spot on with her posting. And I think of those questions - do I want to be right or happy? Does this get me closer to my goal.
So, when he makes some kind of effort to connect, he gets a negative reaction, due to previous stuff that happened...I do think your reaction is yours to own and work on.
I can understand of course, and I watch in admiration as I can not imagine living with someone going through all of this. So, please read my post with that in mind too.
I think greater detachment would help. It is your own hurt about previous stuff - ie: expectations of yours that were not met etc - that is leading to your current reaction. But of course, if you can have no...or very low expectations, the hurt may be less...and your reaction more positive...etc..
Just my thoughts on reading your post and the replies anyway. Do take some time to relax and regroup over Xmas.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I wanted to swing by here and offer up some additional thoughts to Ellie's laser-sharp observations. Here's another thing to keep in mind when dealing with your MLCer who is fluctuating between boy-man is that he's really tentative when putting himself "out there" in terms of opening up in HIS OWN way. I deeply suspect that he's terrified of being rejected by you as evidenced by the numerous re-created scenarios from his childhood.
Try sprinkling some 180s in this regard and monitor H's reactions for they will reveal where he currently is at this point in the MLC journey from the emotional standpoint.
I would suggest that you try and implement this specific 180 during your trip out East because being around family is a perfect hypothesis to base off this experiment. I'd be willing to bet that you'll be fairly surprised at the results.
KML - I am curious; did your h live at home during his MLC? Or did he cut and run?
Round one of MLC, he lived at home. He had a short-lived affair with a traveling nurse who thankfully transferred back out of town around the time that we reconciled. He was never out of the bedroom. There were some typically strange MLC behaviors, including forgetfulness and paranoia/projection (going through MY phone to see if I was doing anything, lolol). He even went so far as to put a deposit down on an apartment,but he snapped out of it pretty quickly with the help of some antidepressants and serious DBing on my part.
Things were actually quite good for a few years, then after several more concussions and his approaching 50th birthday he got back into gloomy MLC territory. (He had long since decided he didn't need the antidepressants, and when I suggested he restart them, he insisted that he wasn't depressed, I was the problem.) He announced right after his last two concussions (2 weeks apart) that he wanted a divorce. I got him to go back to marriage counseling (pretty useless, just a place for him to project all his negativity onto me) and after just a couple of months he wanted to move out. I made him stay through the holidays so that the kids wouldn't always associated Xmas with their dad moving out.
Once he left, I began to realize it was kinda NICE not walking on eggshells around him. And when he announced he was filing a couple of months later, I let go and was done. It had been ten long years of fighting for this marriage and doing most of the work and I was finished. I promptly started dating another man and had a delicious sexy long distance relationship with a man who I saw once a month - he restored my battered sense of self.
Ex never made any moves to try to reconcile after he moved out, although I know he went through a bad depressive period for a while. (He's an extrovert and living alone for the first time in his life must have been quite a shock). He had been flirting with several women prior to moving out, and he dated a woman for a while that I suspect he had had some hanky panky with, or at least flirtation, in the previous year or two. That only lasted a few months (I gather he didn't enjoy being a step-parent to a younger child), then shortly after they broke up he began dating the woman/girl who eventually became his second wife. As much as he felt he had missed out on the single dating life in his 20's, he actually dated very little after the divorce - I think he hated being single.
The truth is, in retrospect, that while we had many good years in the marriage, he was never quite all in. It's only years later and through the insights of a good mutual friend that I came to see the narcissistic traits he has and understand how that affected our marriage even before all of his concussions. I was probably quite good for him and I doubt he could have lasted as long (26 years) with someone else. I try to remind myself of the good and figure I got as many good years out of him as anyone could.
Now, several years after our divorce, I still see some memory issues and somewhat erratic behavior on his part, some of which I think is the legacy of his 6 concussions (who knows, he may have had more since he left that I don't know about). I hope his young new wife will care for him in his old age if he develops chronic traumatic encephalopathy like the football players.
Well, I sure am glad to offer up comedic fodder for all you guys! Hmm, I was thinking the gift would be one of those 200 sq. foot free standing houses (for himself!) in the backyard.
As for the advice, I hear you all. I do. And I know you are all right. I need to implement those strategies KML. Wonka, I will try that experiment when with family. Roist, you are spot on--very perceptive advice. Hi Fighton-we open presents tonight as we'll be out of town for XMAS so the BIG reveal is coming your way! Bttrfly, had a good laugh at the list of possibilities: thanks for those. Sotto, yep. My reaction is mine to own.
Speaking of which, off to the mirror to practice for the big gift reveal. Would a princess dress and a twirl followed by a swoon be over the top? Nah!!!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Bttrfly, had a good laugh at the list of possibilities: thanks for those. Sotto, yep. My reaction is mine to own.
Speaking of which, off to the mirror to practice for the big gift reveal. Would a princess dress and a twirl followed by a swoon be over the top? Nah!!!
Good honey, that was what I was aiming for ... you needed a good laugh. Things were getting too serious ...
love you and sending massive hugs your way !! xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Good Lord...6---SIX---concussions?! How, when and where did XH get them? To me, that's a lot for one "average" person who is/was not a pro football player in the NFL.
1) Snowboarding - no loss of consciousness but two minutes double vision, one month forgetfulness. 2) Fall on ice, minor 3) Fall skiing, minor 4) Surfing, hit in head with surfboard, ruptured eardrum, cracked molar 5) Surfing, hit in face with board, 5 inch cheek laceration. 6) Two weeks later, biking against my advice (his stupid ER doc friend told him it was okay) - slid and fell wearing helmet, couldn't remember previous two weeks until 30 minutes later in ER
These were spread over a ten year span. Once you've had one concussion, it takes less of a hit to get another.
