If you need a little inspiration, just read this wonderful collection of success stories. It will help lift your spirits! Keep Divorce Busting! Everyone on this board will be here to support you...me too! Your friendly Divorce Buster, Michele
********************************************* Dear Michele, Last year at this time (Mother's Day) I was an emotional wreck! I remember so well waiting to see if I would get a card from my H that had any words of affection. Of course there wasn't! I shed many tears that day.
However,here I am a year later and my H is "in love" with me again and can't stop telling me or showing me!
Last Mother's Day,my H informed me,again,(it had started in Feb.)how miserable he was and how he needed to leave of us.(married 16 yrs&two children)
He told me he did not love me and never had loved me.That"I" was his problem and he wanted to find happiness and passion without me.(possible EA and MLC issues).
Well, I am here to tell you that DBing works and you CAN save your marriage BY YOURSELF, if you really want to put forth the time,effort and PATIENCE that it will take.
You must follow Michele's advice...please read her books.Her approach works!
MY suggestions:
Don't PUSH your Hs into therapy w you!
DON"T insist on talks about your relationship.
Don't pry and become obsessed with EAs or OW.
WORK ON YOURSELF!
Actions speak louder than words.Change YOUR behavior and attitudes NOW!The only person you have ANY control over in this world is YOU!!!!
Men HATE relationship talks and if they resist therapy,go by yourself!
DON"T PURSUE YOUR H...lovingly DISTANCE!
I am so happy with my H's "recovery" and our wonderful NEW marriage.I feel like I am on my honeymoon again after 17 years.I have no anger or unresolved feelings,now that my H is surrounding me w such love.I have grown so much over the past year and have much success in many areas to show for it.You see,I was was unhappy,too,just in denial over the dismal shape of my marriage.I don't appreciate the way that my H rocked my world,but I am better for it in many ways.
I see no need to live in the past,as the present is wonderful. I have "moved on".
All the "talk" in the world cannot create the profound changes that the behavioral approach of DBing does so effectively.
CONCENTRATE YOUR EFFORTS ON DBING!
This is a message of love and hope for all of you and of of deep gratitude to Michele and my DB companions who have given my the stamina to keep at it when I wanted to quit.
Have a wonderful weekend...Jenny
BTW,I am a therapist in the mental health field.I had to set aside many of my own preconceived notions and professional training to use the DBing approach.
I have never posted on your boards; but I read them faithfully and often. Many years ago, I read DB. I found it very insightful and often wished I read it before my first marriage broke up. I really think if I practiced your techniques I could have avoided the divorce.
Eight years after my divorce, I remarried. This past October, two years into the marriage I heard the same words from my husband that so many others on your board have heard from their spouses. Having been through a divorce one, I knew I wanted to avoid another one at all costs. My first reaction was to do what is so common, the begging, pleading and crying. I went to marriage therapy alone, only to be told at every session, “I do not need to put up with this behavior and perhaps a separation may be the answer.” The therapist saw her role as trying to make me strong. Michele, I do not want to sound cocky, but having raised two children (from 6 mos. old and 3 years old) alone, I am a very strong person and I know appropriate behaviors from inappropriate behaviors. I stressed to the therapist many times that this was not what I needed from her. I needed her to help me save my marriage. Her answer was that I could not do it alone. Having “been there, done that,” and being much stronger emotionally and financially this time around, I knew I did not need any help separating or divorcing from my second husband. So I stopped seeing her after five sessions. Then I remembered your book. I went out the next day and purchased a copy and started applying the principles immediately. Then I found your web site. I read the boards every day. I read about persons who stories were similar. I identified with the sorrow and learned from the victories (no matter how small).
Fortunately, my situation reversed itself within a short time. Now that the relationship is once again on solid ground, I wanted to write and say Thank You. Thank you for writing the Book. I have read numerous relationship books in the past ten years and this one book has by far been the most helpful. I also wanted to express my appreciation for the boards. They definitely provide a service to participants and readers. I was not in a position to post because I only have access at work and did not want to jeopardize my job, but just by reading the posts, I learned from others. Their experiences provided me with valuable tools that helped my situation immensely.
I put off writing this Thank You Note until I was sure my husband and I were out of serious trouble. I am now confident that we are. Again, thank you for your wisdom. DB really works and I will forever practice the techniques I learned.
A special hello and hugs to all my old friends on this forum!
I just wanted those of you who have "held my hand" over the past year,to know that I am finally able to accept the fact that my marriage is a success story.
DBing does work,even if your spouse refuses therapy and all attempts to "work on the relationship".BTW,my H hated that phrase and come to think of it I don't like it either.
I used Dbing techniques,Michelle's books,a good grp therapist and this board as my support and guidance over the past year.I worked on myself and avoided an accidental divorce by not creating a crisis by personalizing my H's behavior.
In working on myself,I have jump started my own career and have many exciting opportunities.As a result I don't have much time to post,but I do read your posts as often as possible.
I have posted more of my situ on the Midlife Crisis Forum,under Country Girl's thread"Should you use DBing tech.,when spouse is in MLC."I hope to help some of the folks who are just beginning the painfully hard journey that we are all familiar with.
Thanks to all of you who have surrounded me w PMA and love over the past year.You are the most wonderful folks I have ever known.I won't mention names as you know who you are.
If I can ever be of help to any of you,please let me know.You will be in my prayers forever.
Dear Michele, My marriage was a disaster until I read your book, and applied its techniques. My husband and I were separated, and had been through 14 years of cycling behaviors. It literally saved our marriage. Within minutes of seeing my husband, he noticed the changes, and moved back in. I gave him the book, he read it and we passed it on to two friends. My pastor read it, loved it and is now teaching a Sunday-School class on solution based marriage. I gave the book to a friend who is separated from his wife, and he read it all last night, and is going to apply the techniques today. He wants to find a therapist in the area. I hope I can help him. My husband read the book, and asked me to marry him again...we renewed our vows on March 5th. What a blessing this has been to our marriage and to our children! Thank you!
Hey everyone. My W and I are getting back together as of 4:00 am. We are now fully ready to commit to our marriage and to each other. We are going to live apart until August 10th (which is our 5 yr anniversary) and then we are going to renew our vows. My W called me at 4am and told me she really missed me and she found out that the grass is never greener on the other side. We were only 9 days away from the D but I always knew in my heart that someday we would back together. I had no idea it would be this fast. I don't want to preach, but for you people that have doubts about God and his power, You better rethink that position. Ever since I put God first in my life things have suddenly turned for the better. With constant prayer and reading the Bible, I know that God put me and my W back together. Praise the Lord!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, I want to personally thank some people here that have been extremely supportive and helpful to me. Orson(my friend), rondo, svolt, missy, darrend, nate, richard, rod, and carey. Thanks everybody, I pray that each of you will soon be back with your spouses. Believe and trust in God and everything will turn out alright. I will continue to come here to offer advice and support if anyone would like to hear it. Thanks Michele for hosting this board, your book did wonders for me and my marriage. Thanks everybody. God bless you all!!!!!!!!. Dave
Wanted to share my wonderful news with my DB family…my husband and I are expecting our second child in September! If it a girl, I’m seriously considering “Faith” for her middle name. I told my husband that I like “Faith” because I kept it through all of the madness we experienced over the past year and a half. I had faith that my life would be better down the road, whether I stayed married to him or not. I had faith in myself! For those of you unfamiliar with my story, here is a condensed version.
In August 1998, my husband and I had been together for seventeen years, married nine, had a two year nine month old son and a relatively problem free marriage. Sure we had the usual stresses. You know, with each working full-time, often opposite shifts, spending our individual and collective "free time" with our extremely active son, not knowing how to communicate, financial considerations, etc. Nevertheless, our marriage was impenetrable, right! I was so wrong. I had built up resentment for the entire nine years of our marriage and had become the queen of nag! I was GOOD!
On August 19th, 1998, we had an argument that lead to my husband leaving home (surprisingly my suggestion that he leave). My gut was telling me that something was not right with him. Well, I was right. He was involved with a girl from work; their EA started around June. Of course, I did all of the usual don’ts…crying, pleading, begging, pursuing, etc. I was unaware that Divorce Busting existed and thank my lucky stars I found Michele in the nick of time. I read DB over and over again, had a phone consultation with Michele, joined this website and regained my positive attitude. I put the 180 and act as if into overdrive. I backslide a few times but mostly held my own. I got stronger and stronger every day all the while my husband maintained that he was not in love with me, hated me, never wanted to see me again, blah, blah, blah. So, after three months, I decided I had given him enough of my time and chances to hurt me so I filed for divorce in the December timeframe—this was my Last Resort. He was served in January and our first court date was set for early February 1999. During this time, we were seeing (still are seeing) a marriage counselor (under the guise to part as friends which would be best for our son) so I was fortunate to have a dialogue going with him on some level.
Although a part of me wanted to stay married to him and I loved him, I knew that I could no longer live the same way with the same man. I needed change. I had to change. I started to live life for me and my son. As far as I was concerned, my husband had to live with the natural consequences of his actions. It was during this time that I noticed a difference in his attitude toward me (like Michele says, don't overlook the small stuff). He was not in such a hurry to leave my house after visiting with our son, when he called he started asking how I was doing, he noticed my changes (I lost weight, changed my hair style, got contacts and started wearing different styles of clothes (different for me.)
His attitude continued to change, as did mine. The stronger and more independent I got, the more attractive I became to him. WE decided to postpone the court date and work on the marriage in early February 1999. He moved back in April 1999 and things have been good, often great, ever since!
I still have to work hard at staying solution oriented and not losing sight of the “cheese.” I have had my moments where I thought I made a huge mistake! But somehow WE continue to overcome these obstacles. I’ve changed, he’s changed, and our marriage has changed! We’ve been through a lot together and still continue to grow and learn.
Thank you Michele for all of your wonderful work, commitment to your beliefs and having the foresight that people like me can benefit from both. I do not want to relive any of those days but I have to say I’m not terribly sad it happened. My life is so much more rewarding now and I’m a much happier person for those experiences. I kept the faith! I believe I have the power to change and be happy!
I agree with you that this will finally be a happy place to post our success stories. i still read many of the posts, but have not posted anything for a while. I was very busy working on the marriage with my H, and somehow I didn't know what to say to people who were hurting so much and so much wanted to be where we are now. My story was an accelerated version of most people's stories...his affair lasted 3 or 4 months. I found out about it in August and he wanted a separation because she was so wonderful and understood him and satisfied every need he had. Sound familiar? Well, he never left, but told me he stayed for the sake of the children. I think that was the story he had to give because it was easier to say that than to say he really loved me. The ensuing weeks were very tough. I could not bring myself to trust and believe in him...but isn't that what a marriage is based on? I found myself thinking about how he betrayed me from sun up to sun down. Then it was a few times a day. Then every couple of days. Now it is every three or four days.
I worked on myself. I have decided that I can depend on myself and that I like myself. I'm not sure that I would want to go through this kind of horror again...but if faced with it, I know I will be confident enough to go on with my children without a husband. I have taught my husband what unconditional love is. I have taught him that, yes damn it, love is enough. The being in love part comes and goes throughout the marriage. We just have to learn that when it goes we have to find it within ourselves to make it come back.. It is not the other person's fault usually, it is what is going on inside of ourselves that make us feel that way.
I have learned not to bring up the past, especially to hurt my H in any way, shape, or manner. He suffered through this as much as I did. He still has to live with the guilt and knowing how deeply he hurt his family. But we all love him and have forgiven him.
Our life is back on track thanks to this website and DBing. I don't know if I could have found the strength to behave the way I did if it weren't for the people here that have been through this kind of thing. My initial reaction was the same as most people's, but when I learned about how to deal with myself and how to deal with my H through this board, Michele's book, and a ton of reading materials suggested by members, I knew that I could make this work.
Deep down in my soul, I knew from the moment that he said that he wanted out, that what he really wanted was for me to listen to him. At this point in time, we are stronger than we have been in a long time. Our sex life has been slow to redevelop, but it is getting better and better by the minute. We cherish our time together and spend it talking and listening...planning and reminiscing...laughing and crying. I feel sad when I read about the stories where people have done everything that they can possibly do and feel the only way out is to release their spouse. I realize most people have been in the DBing mode much longer than I have been (and I say it that way because I will live my life in that mode from now on. DBing does not end when the spouse decides to stay. It is now a way of life for me.). I know the energy it takes and I give you all a lot of credit for how hard you are working at your marriages. All I can hope is that DBing has given you inner strength and the determination to make your life whole, with or without your spouse.
I consider my story a success, but it may not have ended up that way without the help of many many people who kept me going, helped me through my slip ups, made me understand that my case was almost textbook, and that I was not alone. It was a Godsend to find this place.
Dear Michele, Miriam and I are doing extremely well. I never knew I could be so much in love. Everything I give comes back to me at least ten fold. I've never seen so much love in the eyes of another human being as when I look into my wife's eyes. Sometimes, at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, Miriam will whisper in my ear that she loves me with all her heart. I have to say, even as sleepy as I am sometimes, it moves me to a tear or two to be given so much love by someone who left me, just last year, in November.
I hope you know how happy I am that I read your book, found your website and practiced your techniques. Soution-focused living is the best. There is no alternative.
Miriam usually likes to make a huge Thanksgiving dinner with all the trappings. She usually invites a bunch of friends and family over and we have a full house. This year, at Miriam's request, we'll be running in the Turkey Trot, a benefit 10K and 5K run held Thanksgiving day morning, then coming home to cook Thanksgiving dinner....... together. It'll be just her and me this year, spending all four days together. We're both as excited as if we were going to spend Thanksgiving with real Pilgrims or something. Christmas will be spent with family and friends, but Thanksgiving will be just us.
Can you guess what Miriam and I are very thankful for this year? Here's a hint: It has to do with something called Divorce Busting, and it involves two extremely happy people and how their lives were changed because this incredible woman decided to look at the practice of psychology with a different perspective.
Okay, end of hint.
Thank you for helping us change our marriage, our love and our lives.
Well gang, it has been a long road. Not as long for me as some but the time frames for reconciliation are different for everyone. My wife asked me yesterday morning how much notice I would have to give if I were to move out of apartment. I said none because I know the property manager. Last night she called twice to talk and the second time she asked me to move back in. I said that I didn't have time to move in before the end of the month with work and all and that I would pay rent for November and slowly move home and we would spend as much time together as possible. She said that that sounds great. When she calls she always ends the conversation with a bye dear, bye honey, by sweetheart etc. This is so wonderful. For those of you who are new here my wife asked me to leave about 3 months ago. She said that it was over and that she wasn't in love with me and that we were never getting back together. I have been married for 7 years and together for 10 we have to girls ages 3 and 6. About a month into this I found Divorce Busting and stuck to the book. I had some back slides but I had to learn patience and I realized that time was on our side. My wife was cold and angry, could hardly look at me and when she did I didn't see my wife any more it was another person. She stopped wearing her wedding ring which meant so much to her when we got married. She refused to go to counceling or even talk about us. I was a mess. I cried, I couldn't concentrate at work, I lost 35 pounds, I couldn't sleep, I begged, reasoned with her and nothing worked. At the begining she said that she needed time and I didn't give it to her. I think if I had of done this I would have been back sooner. This is the hardest thing to do. I remember the doom and gloom feeling not talking to her, how I wanted to pick up the phone and just hear her voice, I thought about loosing her and the situation almost 24 hours a day. It is like a living hell. But I soon realized with Micheles book that I had to give her time and be her friend. I layed off the calls and she started to call me, I started to sound happy and in turn she started to sound happier. When she felt that I wasn't going to pressure her about the relationship she felt more at ease with me. Slowly things started to change. We spent a little time each week together with the kids with no pressure, no trying to hold her hand, no trying to kiss or hug her. In time she would give me a little hug, squeeze my hand when I left, and call me dear or honey on the phone. We still have work to do on our relationship but I now know that things will work out.
At the beggining all I wanted her to do was throw me a bone, some hope, some light at the end of the tunnel but I will not happen untill you give them space and time and change your self. I became the person she fell in love with 10 years ago. I remember her saying to me 3 weeks ago that she liked the person I was becoming.
Hang in there everyone even though I know that it is hell. Stick to DB book, go out and have some fun, be around people even though you feel like going home and crying and doing nothing. Your spouse is also having a very hard time with this wheather they show it or not. My wife acted as if this was nothing for her at the beggining and that really hurt me, she finally admitted the other day that it was killing her and she couldn't work either. They will also say some very hurt full things to you, I dont love you any more, I dont know if I could ever be intimate with you again etc etc. Dont react to them, it is not them talking it is the demon of defense inside of them. Keep the faith Patience and strength Lightman Darcy
Dear Michele, I'm still somewhat in shock, but have been Last Resorting (pulling back, going on with my life, even planning a trip to his home country without him) and it seems to have worked! Maybe his looming 40th birthday helped too (4 days away) ... He said he'd been thinking about things for the last several days (I hadn't heard from him, and the wait was pretty difficult). The first words out of his mouth when he called were his MARRIAGE PROPOSAL!!! He said I was precious to him, said he realized that he'd hurt me deeply, said he'd let his work overwhelm him and he's not going to "take it so seriously" from now on, and read from a list of all the things he loves about me! Since I had told him I'd tried very hard to initiate sex in hopes that feelings of closeness would follow but they didn't, he said that we shouldn't have sex for awhile (hugging & kissing's OK) until I feel that the closeness that I need is there! He also said that he would love me as I am, and if there are things about me that he would like me to change he will ask and not demand them, and it was up to me to choose which of those things I would do - but he would love me even if I didn't! And he said he'd like to go to his country with me - and if we can work it out to include a visit to see his family (I've already put down money on an intinerary that doesn't include a stop in his parents' city), he will proudly show me off as his "trophy wife!"
He's coming over tomorrow, and we'll be going to a barbeque at the home of one of my brothers. I can hardly believe this is happening! I'm sure that DB'ing is the main reason for this, and I'm so grateful to Michele and everyone here for their great advice and support!
Dear Michele, I’m going back to “married life”—the good kind, not the living together separately or the being married but living apart. Spent the last few days with my wife here at home and “got bold” and asked her if she was ready to resume the role of family “matriarch”. She answered that she wasn’t sure about that but was ready to resume the role of my wife—a quick reply that it was part of the package and it was all or nothing and she said “OK”. Hey what do you tell a guy when he’s on his knees. I presented her with a pearl ring that was my mothers as a new sign of my love for her and think that I saw a small drop of moisture below her eye. It was very good.
Plans have been made to move her “home” in the next couple of weeks but she’s staying “here” in the meantime. Not sure how to explain it, but it’s the same but totally different—I think we kept the good parts and made changes to the rest. A lot of baggage has been left along the sides of the ride—I recognize it but its not mine anymore. I’m not kidding myself that the hard parts are all finished but I can say going through this tragedy has made us both better people. Using some of the tools that got us back to this point have already been effective in eliminating some potential problems before they became even flickers of a difficulty. Its awesome.
I want to tell a few people thank you as this experience has also made me very greatful for things in my life:
First I give God the credit for taking a pretty worthless husband and showing him how to treat his wife the way He intended. I’ll be the first to admit it got easier when I got out of my own way, quit trying to help, and “Let Go”. What I’ve been trying to accomplish for 14 years, He got done in a matter of months. Much thanks and praise to You.
Second I thank Michelle for her great book-Divorce Busting, for having the courage to take a pro-marriage position in an age when its not the most popular. For creating this great site and giving us the opportunity to work through our difficult times with others doing the same—its had a definite impact on my life. You’ve shown us that we can’t change our partners, but we can get them to want to change by changing ourselves. I rank you with some great women who’ve created positive imprints on my life—right up there with my mother, my grandmother, my fourth and fifth grade teachers, my first woman boss, my wife, and my daughters. Your smiling photos are embedded in my mind. Any time I need to bring myself out of a funk I pull them out and for “everything”, I sincerely say thank you.
Lastly to all of you fellow DB’ers—thank you. You’ve shown me strangers do care and together we can create a world that cares. Your support, encouragement, minor adjustment suggestions, and great words of wisdom have had much to do with getting me back a very special woman to me. I’m not going to start mentioning names because you’ve all helped—just the fact that you believe enough to come to a place like this to save your marriages has had an impact. I’m sure no one came here thinking they were going to get as much out of this site as they have, and I have new friends around the country, around the world, and wish all of you the best. The ride isn’t fun until you get off (although your company has been great) so hang on. My last ride has lasted almost 11 months and I wish I had come here earlier as it was way to long, tiring, and stomach churning but I wouldn’t have wanted to ride with a better group—your all truly amazing. I’ve got word pictures of you all and thank you for allowing me to share a time most of us would rather forget, but probably most of us wouldn’t trade our growth for any amount of money. Your all beautiful—here’s a group {{{{DB’ers}}}} hug.
Thank you.
I’m not looking to split from here in a hurry as I still have a lot of work to do and may (no doubt about it) need the support. Next biggy’s are the "kid relationships"—they suffered in my journey as well and I can’t wait for the “whole” family unit to improve. They’re all getting to marrying age and somebody’s got to show em how to “get it right” . Might as well be me.
Dear Michele, "It wasn't very long ago that I was concerned about the lack of passion from my wife. She expressed a desire to go to counciling but her eyes were glazed over and when I touched her there was no response. I think I know where passion starts. It's in the eyes. I began looking into my wife's eyes a lot. When she talked to me or whenever I had a chance I would look into her eyes and think "I love you". Then one day she reached out and touched my face gently with her hand and said, "I know, me too". It seemed like forever before she actually told me for the first time, verbally, that she loved me. But the first time she REALLY told me was that day she touched my face. I truly believe that passion is first seen in and is born from the eyes. I know it was for us. I never would have thought that only a little over a month ago my wife said that she thought of me like a brother. That she actually had plans to date other men after her breakup with the current boyfriend.
One thing that has been a determining factor in bringing my wife and me at back, at least to this point, a steady dating relationship, is that I have learned what she desires. Things I would have heretofore thought corny or silly are now becoming general fare for our growing "new" romance. I have learned to tell her how beautiful she is first thing in the morning. I don’t just think it now (like before), I actually SAY it. Little things, like asking her what she wants for dinner and then ordering it for her, taking her arm when we cross the street, LISTENING to her and jotting down the things she likes and wishes for and combing her hair fifty times at night just to feel it in my hands and tell her how beautiful it looks. I tell her and show her everyday that I love her. I don’t let that loving thought just fly through my mind without making it stop for a moment so I can make a statement to her about it before I let it go on.
If I could have only known the incredible responses received from such small tokens of my appreciation I would never have lost my wife in the first place. Now that I know, I’ll never have to face that loss again.
I finally received the note (actually a card) for which I have been waiting eight months. My wife is in Milwaukee for five days. I sent a card for her to open every day. Her response was to send me a card that said on the outside :
Those who hear not the music Think the dancer’s mad
with the following written inside:
Dearest David,
Let them think us mad as we fall hopelessly in love with one another. We have always heard music where others have not and marched to drummers not felt by others. You are the one I would chose to be mad with.
Thank you for your notes and driving me to & from the airport.
Much love & affection
Your Xxxxx
Inside was a refrigerator magnet in the shape of a very beautiful red rose.
The note attached:
Red roses denote love deep and true A token of what I’m growing for you
As little as was written……..it said so much.
It said "Thank you for making the changes you needed to make so I could love you again like I always wanted to anyway." It said, "I trust you enough to allow myself to love you again" and it said "You have eliminated all of the reasons for which I left you".
I’m picking my wife up from the airport tomorrow night. Think I’ll put my expensive Navy blue Perry Ellis suit on with a white shirt and Navy blue and rose colored tie. I’ll stand in front of her gate with one of those signs with her name on it. When she sees me and comes to me I’ll hand her the sign along with a single red rose. When she holds the sign she’ll see that I have written on the back that I love her and missed her. I won’t drive the one hour drive home. I’ll have a hotel room waiting with Champagne cooling. We’ll drive home in the morning.
Another really great thing about taking time and having the patience to allow things to work…….the rewards are so incredibly great. I’ve imagined this scenario for the last eight months. Now it’s reality."
I asked my wife to marry me again on the same day as I did seven years ago. She said "yes". It's only words becuase we never got to the divorce. But we both needed to hear it and re-commit. WOW! The last month………..if I didn’t know better I would say I was in the most wonderful dream I could ever imagine. It’s not an illusion nor is it a dream. It’s reality. I want to shout it to everyone………DIVORCE BUSTING WORKS!!! That’s all it used to take in cyber-language to be considered as a shouter. How about this………………
My wife and I are completely BACK TOGETHER. No more running from house to house. We are happier than I could have dared to hope. We just got back from a week camping and fishing with my son and his cousin (her nephew). We are rested and had an incredibly great time. It’s so much different than it was before. We had two disagreements and they were settled within minutes (solution discussions). Attentiveness to my wife, our friendship, human relationship and marriage has made all the difference. I am so, so fortunate to have a second chance.
Our house is a shambles. We’re remodeling parts to accommodate more of our belongings and we just got back from camping (with gear everywhere). I asked my wife if the chaos was bothering her (it bothered her a lot before). She said that things are different now. The fact that she knows I love her and care about her and support her overshadow the current state of our house. She even extended our deadlines (I left the scheduling to her) for remodeling, etc. so we could spend more time together. We saw her family for the first time together since we separated nine months ago. It was like a reunion. I think her family is almost as happy as she and I.
I thought that there would be some really tough times working on getting back into our marriage and making it work. It’s wonderful how easy things become when you have each other’s best interest at heart and not your own selfish agenda. There have been a few times when the old selfish me would makes it’s ugly way to the surface (I’m getting really good at drowning that clown). Instead of going with the old behavior, I go with something new. I try another way or point of view. And guess what, most of the time it’s great and the rest of the time it’s different at least. People should try breaking out of their own self-made barriers and beliefs more. It’s rejuvenating.
I can’t thank Michele enough for her great book and for having the courage to go against the grain to focus on solutions instead of "why’s". My wife and I simply don’t go into the "why’s" of before. It’s a daily concentration on building something new and incredibly wonderful.
I think it may be time to get back into keeping a journal. Everyday I am finding new ways to keep our relationship fresh and close. It’s funny, after awhile things just come to you. Things that make your partner happier for being with you. My wife likes chocolate in her coffee in the morning. I usually make her coffee so I simply put in a little instant chocolate syrup. She loves it! One morning we went out to breakfast. She was in the restroom when her coffee came so I asked the waiter to bring me a little chocolate from the kitchen. He did. When my wife came back she was amazed and happy that she had chocolate coffee. It’s becoming a joke now. She swears that I carry around a little bag of chocolate in my wallet just for her (I don’t because it’s more fun trying to be innovative). We took her nephew to the airport early Tuesday morning. There was no chocolate to be found…….except at the newsstand. I found a Hershey’s bar, broke off a piece and put it in her coffee. She didn’t figure it out until she saw my son eating the remainder of the bar.
There are a million small, seemingly inconsequential things that husbands, wives and partners can do for each other. These little things all add up to powerful tools for fighting a mundane, boring and uneventful marriage. They also allow two people to laugh and enjoy life together, which leads to looking for more things to enjoy. Laughter and fun in a marriage will bring two people so close together that they long for each other when they’re apart for even a little while.
This is where my wife and I are right now. We keep thinking, "Is this just a honeymoon that’s going to be over soon" as we keep getting more and more romantic and passionate in our marriage. If you ask me, I would say it won’t ever be over (why would anyone want something so great to end, anyway?). We’re not living in a fantasy. Life has hit us with a few negatives already. But we’re facing them together. And we have gotten close enough again to know when the one needs support from the other.
Miracles happen. If you’re posting here you must believe in miracles. You changed. You CAN have your relationship back. Your partner may not have bought the fact that you changed but you kept changing. You made your belief a reality. You made your belief your partner’s reality. You and your partner will get what you want in your relationship. Give the relationship on which you are working everything you’ve got. Keep a consistent image of the person that you have become and are becoming, constantly in your mind’s eye. Improve it a little everyday, in small steps. Every improvement that is made is proof to the mind that, in fact, there can be further improvement.
No one can really love too much if it is true and unconditional love. Love just allows two people to become closer and closer until they really do become as one, in fact, not just as a statement made at a wedding ceremony.
I am so grateful for the support and advice given here in these forums by everyone. When I first came to this site I was distraught. I thought my marriage was over, not because I had given up, but because I didn’t know how to fight to get it back. To everyone in these forums who has fought and are still fighting to save the most important thing in their lives, their relationship, I express the most sincere admiration. I just want everyone who is fighting to know that there are incredible success stories. I am one of them. Michele’s Divorce Busting can and does work. Keep at it. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by trying.
David
-------------------------------------------------------------- Michele, I just wanted to take a minute and give you a heartfelt "THANK YOU!" I don't know about everyone else, but I know that when my wife told me she was leaving, and that we would never be able to work things out, I was devastated. If I had lost an arm, I wouldn't have missed it as much as I missed her. Silly way of saying it, but the point I am trying to make is she was as much a part of who I am as the color of my eyes, or the beat of my heart. And everywhere I turned for support, or reassurance, it seemed the only thing people could say was, "Let her go." When I found your Divorce Busting book, all of a sudden, I had someone on my side. There was the support I needed! While working, I happened to look for the title of your book on the Alta Vista search engine. That's how I found this site. Reading through the posts has been more helpful than anything else since this happened. You have done a wonderful thing by giving people the opportunity to correspond, and encourage one another here on your messageboard. You say in your book that your views are not based on religius or moral beliefs....I'll tell you this....God supports your efforts, and your kindness will not go unrewarded. Thank you, Michele, for helping ease the hopelessness I had fallen into. You are truly an angel!
I don't know how often you read the entries on the board, but I wanted to tell you that your ideas in your book are wonderful! My separation was obviously not as bad as some on here, but it made me feel like my whole world had suddenly ceased to exist. I talked to friends, family, my preacher....Looking for encouragement, hope....They were all helpful, but your book was the force behind the recent reconciliation with my wife! She and I are now looking for a new house in her home town. She looks at me like she did when we first started dating! Thank you Thank you Thank you! We are going to be fine, and I want to give credit where credit is due. Without your hope-filled book, who knows where I would be right now? You are a remarkable lady, and I am a lucky guy for finding you! Once again, thank you for everything. JD
Dear Michele, I have to use this message to relay a huge THANK YOU!! I have been reading posts here for over a month and it has had a tremendous influence on my mental health and decision making regarding my marriage. I know that there is not always alot of good news on the message board for those of us who have been faced with our spouses infidelity, leaving, indecision, etc.
I posted my situation in mid January and have implemented techniques from DB over the last three weeks. It worked like a charm! My H who was before Christmas ready to divorce because he was "not in love" anymore, away at school doing something for and "finding himself", asked me last Friday if I would consider taking a leave of absence from my job next year to live with him in Nashville. He says he is recommitted to our marriage relationship, and I am the person he belongs with. He has returned to counseling and believes that his feelings stemmed from his depression (I knew this, but he was not convinced) and the lonliness of living apart - he found himself attracted to another woman in November.
He has over the last few weeks (after my 180) realized what he wants. I had told him that I knew what I wanted and was going to live my life and when he figured out what he was willing to do to make our marriage work - we would talk. A few days after this he called to ask if this meant I was going to see other people. Ithink this was the turning point for him to take action.
Since then, he has been trying to meet my needs and has been very attentive. We have seen each other on weekends this month and spent some time together having fun. He is talking about our future together and is remorseful about what happened, answering all my questions and HE is discussing what he needs to do to make our relationship better. I have tried to discuss with him my part in our marriage getting to this point, yet he claims that the only complaint that he ever had is my not taking care of myself first - I let my weight get out of control, and put his needs and worries before my own. NOT ANYMORE!! I have made positive changes in myself and the techniques I have been reading about have really worked. This progress would not have been possible without the things I have learned on this board. I have seen myself in so many postings and learned to focus on solutions instead of "whys". I have followed the suggestions that are given so lovingly and freely, and see a bright future ahead.
I am thanful to all who post here, sharing their painful stories and helpful advice, you never know how many people you touch. I have been greatly moved by the concern shown here, and will continue to visit to gain insight and wisdom from those who bravely "fight the good fight". My sincere gratitude to all of you!!
Dear Michele, My husband and I, both age 40, are apparently on the verge of divorce - which I don't want. We have been married 9 1/2 years and have a son, age 5. He is a successful businessman who fought his way up from poverty. He has a very forceful personality and has definitely been the dominant one in our marriage (this is one of his complaints). Though I am a professor and well-educated, I tend to be extremely accommodating and avoid conflict.
I have felt very dominated and controlled in this marriage. He seems to have opinions about everything - even things that most men overlook, like clothes and housekeeping - and I tend to give in to him. He often gets angry and verbally abusive when I oppose him.
With some exceptions, our relationship has been deteriorating for the past four or five years. We have had lots of fights, and often talked about divorce. The pattern is that he gets angry, I get depressed, I withdraw, he gets more angry. While I punish him by withdrawing, I also fear his anger and try hard to please him in other ways - this is how I feel controlled, and also humiliated.
At least at this time (it's early to say for sure), I am really sold on your methods. Partly this is because I have seen some results in my marriage, but maybe more than anything else because in applying your principles to my situation I have somehow been freed from the bondage of anger. Although I know there are rough times ahead, I see that I can always reach inside for the serenity that comes with understanding and forgiving. After my husband made it clear he wanted a divorce, and discussions about money and property started in earnest, I could easily have started down the road toward open warfare. Thank God I didn't.
I would like to point out that even though I started trying your methods last spring, things really didn't click in my mind until November. It was then that I figured out what would help the most: first of all, stopping the 'same old thing' of (it was a package) anxiously trying to please my husband, while simultaneously punishing him by withdrawing -also, getting angry and defensive in arguments. Second, acting 'as if' my husband treats me with respect and kindness. That one is the key, and it seems so obvious now. Since starting that, things have been much more peaceful, and he has spent more time with me and the kids, and has not been 'abusive'.
Dear Michele, I have been working my way through Divorce Busting a second time and have been trying to apply some of the principles to our marriage. I'm trying hard to figure out what works, and keep track of that. So this post is part of this exercise. At least it has a happy outcome, so bear with me.
One of our many problems (aside from alcoholism) was my husband's complete lack of involvement with the children. Not only did he never attend any kid-related event, buy them presents on his own, etc. he never seemed to take any joy in watching them have fun. It got to the point where I went on vacation with them alone, because it was obvious to everyone, even my 9 and 4 year old that he wouldn't enjoy being with us anyway. It was real sad.
Anyway, with the divorce looming, he made alot of promises and has been working hard to keep them. This Halloween, for the first time ever, he took my 9 year old out for the town celebration. I never miss these events, but my 4 year old had a meltdown that evening and was in no shape to go. I squelched the urge to leave Chris with the 4 year old and trusted him to try it with Sam. I kept my mouth shut when Chris mumbled something about dropping Sam off with friends, and said use your judgement, see if Sam would like to have you along and check if the other Mom would like help, etc. I truly expected to see Chris boomerang back in 10 minutes after conveniently disposing of his responsibilities. Two hours later, a beaming father and son returned....bursting with tales of all of the houses they hit, people they met, etc. Sam was estatic to get this kind of attention from his Dad, and I could tell Chris really enjoyed it too. I told Chris what he did was really important, and that there was no way Sam would have had as much fun without him and I meant it.
In addition to this happy tale, there were other breakthroughs in the family event participation theme, this week. Clearly, there was something triggering these events besides my ultimatum or even my agreeing to be friendly/neutral at home rather than constantly fighting. It took me all day to figure out what it was that I did, but it finally came to me.
I work at home, but this fall I had an especially tough travel schedule. In spite of our huge problems, I was forced to rely on Chris to watch the boys this month for a stretch of 5-6 days. Shortly after this, I had to leave again for the day. I tried to think about something nice about Chris although that was hard to do. I finally conceded that the boys loved him and despite the awful domestic conditions at home, he was hanging in there taking care of them. I remembered that they could be trying (as cute as they are) and that it must be hard for him to not be drinking and trying to handle them at the same time. So, against my better judgement, I called the florist and ordered a dozen roses to be delivered while I was gone. I intended to tell the florist not to put "love" on the card, but "forgot" to. Actually, I was embarrassed to admit that I could be that petty as she knows both of us. When I came home that night, Chris was thrilled. I was still confused as to why I did it and not sure that I had done the right thing at all, but I mumbled that they represented a thank you for the good job he did with the boys. Well, the 1 1/2 weeks following the flowers have been filled with huge improvements with family participation on his part, so this small gesture clearly was the catalyst,. I can't believe it took me so long to make the connection.
My apologies for the long post....I am Irish, and so it seems I am incapable of delivering a short story. Thanks for listening.
I want to thank you personally for having a big part in saving my marriage.
In April, my wife let me know that she wanted a divorce. She said we had grown apart and that she didn't really love me as a lover anymore. We have 2 kids, ages 5 and 3. We have been married 11 years.
We started going to counseling together but soon she quit going. I kept going by myself. I knew I could be, and needed to be, a better husband and father. We have had problems, but nothing like fighting or abuse. One of the major issues was her credit card debt. The more she spent, the more I would withdraw into my cave. When I wouldn't communicate, she would spend more. It became a vicious cycle. I knew I still loved my wife, but she said she wanted to go through with this. I kept trying to visualize life after divorce and I hated it. We are both from divorced parents.
I was lost. The counseling helped some but I had no map or plan. During one session, my counselor mentioned your book. I remembered the name, but made no effort to go and look for it that day. For some reason, the next day I went to the bank. There was a bookstore. I stopped and found your book. After briefly looking through it, I couldn't wait to get started on it. At last I had found what I had been looking for. The part that encouraged me the most was that it mentioned that things could still work even if only one partner was willing to work on it.
So I read it and couldn't put it down. Soon after finishing it, I went to work on changing. I started doing the little things. Many days I would get absolutely no response from her. It was so hard, but I kept picking myself up and trying agin. My sessions with the counselor helped because she just kept encouraging me. The advice I got was just keep at it. But some days it was like trying to love the wall.
Soon after, I got jolted again when I found my wife was having an affair with an old high school friend, even though it was long distance. I confronted her one evening with my knowledge. I knew I still loved her but I really hurt. I kept going back to your book and rereading parts. I told her two things. One, I still loved her and that I still wasn't going to quit until she walked out the door. And the second thing was, I asked her to promise she would read the book for me. If she still wanted out, OK. Basically, my marriage was resting on your book. I took the kids away for the weekened, and left her alone.
We have grown so much since then. After reading your book she said she wanted to stay and work on the marriage. It was a tough first couple of weeks, but our marriage life has never been better. I still am doing the little things you suggest and at times my wife will look at me and smile and say, "Who is this man?" We celebrated our 11th anniversary in July. One of the most memorable weekends of my life. I was so proud and surprised of the little romantic ideas I came up with. And of course the kids were at grandmas all weekend.
And even though things were better, it kept getting better. My wife used to live at her job. I now know that most of the reason was because she was so unhappy here. Well, she was let go about a month ago. It was a blessing in disguise. Our house has never been happier. She has gotten adjusted and she plans on staying home for a year and being a mother. Then we'll evaluate the situation. But she and the kids are having a blast. I have never seen her happier, and needless to say, I am the happiest guy in the world right now.
So I just wanted to say thank you , Michele. And here is a big hug for you and your book. It saved us.
