Am I in withdrawal ... will he ever wake up

[Lana_71]

Hello ....well things are good kids doing great in their exams I am so proud of them. We sent him msg on his birthday which he replied on thankfully and that is it.

I got a contract of work for 2 months which is great and will keep me busy. Especially that I see the questions in my moms eyes asking if he called me or the kids ... I know she feels it is a dead case ... she must be wondering how can he just ignore his family and not ask about anything..

Kids vacation is coming of 20 days .. i wish they could have spend it with their father. Sometimes I think to book for a week there just like September ... we enjoyed it and he spent most of the time with us. Or maybe just book tickets for them to go... but then I think I need to wait until he wants to...it needs to be his decision not mine... I wish a lot of things but h stays passive away and claiming working too hard..I know what I am trying to do is control the outcome and whatever I do if it was not his choice it will not work...will let it go ...he claims that he misses his family and hope the new year will give him more time ... but it is alll yet about him not us .not ..what the kids need or me ...he talks about his stuff ..I guess he is still in the victim stage me me me.... and he likes it there...

Will not send anything .... if he doesnot know what is right and what is wrong by this age I guess I can't teach him....

[Lana_71]

Hi... I guess I am too sensitive today and I end up blowing it on my mom... well for last couple of days there was some tension... I guess I stopped trying to please everyone... I was trying to help her with house all the time but some how she always find the things that I am not doing well and tell me about them..like my daughter did not brush her teeth and I did not notice or their hair or one dish not cleaned properly....the problem is this behaviour is the same I end up doing earlier with my husband my younger sister and my kids... focusing on what they are not doing right rather that the positives they bring or what r they doing right...thinking I am doing them a favour.. what a stupid person I was..I did so many mistakes with h rather than preserving the relation.... I know I have the to go forward.... I know my h is in a state whereby he feels he will never measure up...he felt a failure and I participated ... anyway one day if we ever have an honest conversation I'll talk about it.. I don't know if mom understood... I am sure she felt hurt but I cried saying I need her to tell me I am the best mom not that I am sloppy ... I know I will never measure up to her expectation as unfortunately h knew he can't measure up to mine ...hence I stopped trying to please as probably he stopped long time ago...

[Lana_71]

Hi a bit anxious today....I feel like sending an email to end everything .... I fe l we are both stuck me afraid of leaving and him not sure.... I feel like sending an email saying something like" I have been standing around 2 1/2 years for our marriage ... I thought I can save it but after two years I believe what has been broken will not be fixed . Maybe I was naive maybe I was hopeful but now I realize it is time to wake up and move along. I was afraid for the kids well fair , I was afraid of missing him but I guess kids are doing well and I will ensure they continue... he will always be their father and when he feels better he'll reach for them... I sm sorry I was not able to model a healthy relation for them and I hope it will not affect their future. I am not blaming him nor want to change or fix. It seems w both changed ...." I know if I mention D most probably he will go with it.. might be what he is waiting for....but I don't want to live with someone not sure he want us...so many thought I guess my hormones are playing ... will not Send my thoughts yet will sleep on it for a while..

[job]

Lana,

Don't send the message. Write the message up and then either tear it up or burn it. I suggest sitting on this for a while and then revisit. If you aren't ready for a divorce, then don't push it. You can't fix him and trying to rush the process won't get you what you want, i.e., answers and his attention.

Leave him be and continue focusing on you and your children I would suggest, if you haven't already done so, see a lawyer to see what you and your children are entitled to, but don't share that info w/him.

[Lana_71]

hi job just feel too disrespected ... does he really care what we are going through ...I have been supporting myself and kids for last 3 years ... he used to earlier be a good h but since last 3 years it is as if he is not concerned ...he says he will pay then he never does or even open the subject .. in his few msg he says he is working too hard to make something and pay his debt of his company and help us ... but he completely ignore me .i honestly don't know what to believe no more ... is he lying... I don't know ... what if he is having good time and just keeping me and kids on the shelf ...

[job]

No, Lana, your h doesn't care about you or what you are going through at this time. It's all about him and his appearance to others. He may say he is working too hard to make something and pay his debt, but he's not helping you and the kids.

My advice...seek the advice of a lawyer and set up some child support now. It's been three years and it's time he step up to the plate and help take care of his kids and their needs and his support needs to be in line w/what your state says he should pay, not what he thinks he should pay.

In MLC they ignore us, and in some cases, completely. You and the kids are part of his past and he wants to keep the past right there, in the past. He's living in the here and now and unfortunately none of you are part of that present he's living in.

So, my question to you is this...do you want to divorce him? If so, how do you see your life changing once you are divorced and that little piece of paper is in your hand? Will you sell your home and move elsewhere?

If you are ready to file, we will stand behind you all of the way, but I don't think you are there just yet. I think you are totally frustrated w/the way he's been and I also think that we all tend to compare our spouses to the other posters' spouses and how they are dealing w/their mlcs. Each one is different and yet, very similar.

Think long and hard about what you want and when you are ready...you'll know what to do.

[Lana_71]

Hi Job
You are right ... no not ready ...I am not ready to fight about anything ... don't want to fight about money either...I wish this nightmare finishes on it's own ....I know what I want and will not be able to accept crumbs but I am responsible for the stuck place I put my self because I choose to not decide ... how can someone love or even like other who treats them like [censored] ... he doesnot even call for months no new year . Just some silly msg with the kids on some tv series..... thanks for letting me vent will give it sometime to think and recap ... no action today ... good night

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Lana,

I have read through your posts. What I read in them is your continued hope that your husband will respond in ways that most would consider normal. Unfortunately that is not going to happen right now if ever. My ex did not ever reach out to me until about 4 months after the divorce and her having to face all that she had chosen. We talked and she told me one specific thing that all of us in this situation should know. She told me that she has learned that she cannot trust what her brain was telling her. Keep this in mind every time you expect him to react in a normal fashion and he reacts in another.

My suggestion is to only contact him when it relates to your girls and only if its important. Let the girls contact him if they want to but be prepared to help them after to understand if he does or says something they need help understanding.

Your husband needs to reach the end of the journey he is on. You cannot be there to help unless he asks for it. You can only choose to change your journey.

Give him the room he needs. Give your daughters the support they need. Don't read too much into any time he does reach out to you or your daughters, but be ok that he did. When he communicates more then communicate, when he pulls back then you pull back. Appreciate the little things and don't expect more. Keep moving forward with your life and let him worry about his right now.

[Lana_71]

Thanks LT ... I really appreciate your wisdom. You and Job have been great in supporting me ... I will try to detach and not to expect anything from him. I need to see the small things and focus on them. I recently got a short term contract for 2 months which I guess will keep me busy and help to divert my attention. My kids don't mention their father and don't msg him regularly ... actually I feel they have nothing to talk to him about. Well let him think what he wants to do in his relationships.
Take care everyone and have great day ...

[Lana_71]

Hello
Been a while since I wrote.. there is no update really..he still did not contact me nor the kids. I know I am still hoping. And can't stop. How can anyone live without hope. I have been reading some stitches like foreveryoung maybe trying to find stories were some reconciliation were initiated. Not many I guess but the ones I saw has amazing patience. When I think of my stitch how did I manage close to 3 years of this kind of treatment. I don't regret standing up for my M. Not at all. Yesterday my youngest had a nightmare as she said of me marrying someone else other than her Dad. Poor thing I felt so sad, I tried to comfort her and dismiss the issue but I guess kids know everything even if they don't complain. Anyway me and kids doing great. I am working on a short project which is keeping me busy. Somehow I know things will be good one day. Is it wrong to have hope.