Him not looking a you and avoiding eye contact is typical of MLCers, my hypothesis is they are feeling (a tiny bit) some kind of guilt or shame (not remorses or regrets), reality is starting to settle down for them, they are now realizing in which "mess" or "reality" they are and it's because of their actions. They still cannot bear the idea of admitting it and own it. No conversation at all about that.
They still not worry about their LBS situation but more about themselves. The best way I found to deal with that it's to back off (no spew, no emotional pressure, no R conversations) so they can start to figure out their situation by themselves not because they are reacting to us. But backing off doesn't mean in any manner to accept any disrespectful behavior, that's where the set up of boundaries are so important, specially if you are living in the same house (no spew, respect, no OW) otherwise ... (you name the consequences, they are up to you).
Those love and hate feelings you are experiencing are totally normal, so get ready for them, they will come and go. Just keep them for yourselves or share them with your friend.
Also Sara, you have 3 kids, so give yourself a break, sometimes it's ok do not nothing just to recover.
Have a good day
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
I agree with skyhigh, those feelings of love do come and go. Especially when they're still in the home and it's confusing. I think they're only just starting to fade with me, I'm in a place of just feeling as though the relationship has been a lie.
Please go easy on yourself and pencil some you time in. You have so much going on in your life and your health issues (in sha allah all will be okay), but you need to make sure that caring for you is also on that list of priorities, because regardless of how your wh thinks- you really are worth it!!
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
I hope you get these health issues covered off and dealt with soon for your own peace of mind.
You will have bouts of strong feelings. I would find myself getting rushes of love and passion for my W if she simply spoke kindly. It's shocking and such is the nature of such abuse. This is the person who has hurt you most. It's kind of Stockholm Syndrome I think. The important thing is not to react to these feelings. You will get them, they will go though, give yourself time and be kind to you. Your feelings will be all over, but they will calm and the exercising will really help you - together with talking.
You are an inspiration - keep on going!
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
Hello friends, I'll just journal the daily events. I took the kids to the theatre for the first time on Friday evening, I invited WH and he actually came. Both of us laughed a lot during the movie and it seemed the family was happy. However WH chose to sit in the back of the van both there and back. He's back to barely speaking to me. Yesterday I was home all day with the kids while WH was at work. My cousin came by in the evening and we all had dinner. WH came home from work (bought some groceries) and quickly left again when he saw my cousin. My cousin commented on how odd WH was behaving and I shrugged it off.
Not sure what time WH came home last night. He woke this morning and said only a few words then went to work. I literally bite my tongue sometimes to avoid starting a conversation with him. His stone walling really drives me nuts, it's such a passive aggressive behavior. It's too cold to take the kids out today so we'll just hang out at the house.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Hello friends, I'll just journal the daily events. I took the kids to the theatre for the first time on Friday evening, I invited WH and he actually came. Both of us laughed a lot during the movie and it seemed the family was happy. However WH chose to sit in the back of the van both there and back. He's back to barely speaking to me. Yesterday I was home all day with the kids while WH was at work. My cousin came by in the evening and we all had dinner. WH came home from work (bought some groceries) and quickly left again when he saw my cousin. My cousin commented on how odd WH was behaving and I shrugged it off.
Not sure what time WH came home last night. He woke this morning and said only a few words then went to work. I literally bite my tongue sometimes to avoid starting a conversation with him. His stone walling really drives me nuts, it's such a passive aggressive behavior. It's too cold to take the kids out today so we'll just hang out at the house.
How do you feel when WH sits in the back of the van?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Mostly annoyed, this is such a passive aggressive behavior. He did this before when avoiding me like the plague. I don't mull over it I just find it childish.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
I find it childish too. You are not his mother or his driver.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
WH had done this before and I spoke to my DBing coach. He recommended that I focus on the forward movement, previously WH wouldn't accept any invitations and this time he has. So focus on the fact that he chose to spend time with the family (even though it's clear he doesn't want to interact with me) and use my tools to imbed positive memories in his head.
Since I start the medication I have been sleeping better and able to take a clearer look at myself. I went back over the times recently when WH and I were doing well and paid close attention to our interactions. I was not being confrontational, I was not putting down ultimatums, I was not losing control of my emotions. Sure enough I lose ground when I become reactive. The last fight we had (on the way back from WDW) I lost control again. While I did not yell I did say horrible things to my WH. This needs to stop, not just with him but in all relationships. I tend to fly off the handle too easily with my children too. So I need to start identifying the physical changes as I start to escalate (racing heart, tightness in my chest, rushing sensation in my ears) and WALK AWAY when this happens. I have done the damage this time, WH and I had made some serious progress and I reacted instead of controlling myself.
I am re-reading DR, I will find some time to schedule a session with my coach. In the past I've convinced WH that I am making real changes then I can do it again. I will do this for no other reason than I desire to have a healthy marriage, I desire to raise my children in a nuclear family, I desire to be a healthier person, both physically and emotionally. I will still reach for the last goal regardless of the outcome of my marriage.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Your coach is right, don't pay too much attention to his behavior (even if it is very irritating), at least he still wants to be part of his children life which is very positive. I read somewhere we are (spouses) the first ones they are disconnecting to and the last ones they are reconnecting to.
Be patient, if there is progress, it will be slow and very subtile, also set up and reinforce boundaries.
Remember he told you he was going to file, so your best shot is now to cool off the situation by not starting anything (verbal fights). It's difficult to rebuild or restart something when the situation is still hot, just somehow accept that.
MlCers mind is very mess up, they don't know what they want, they are in limbo and ambivalent, the more you will try to push them to make a decision or talk about R the more they will run away from you. You cannot speed up the process they have to go through. Take that time to work on you and build memories with your children.
My husband was the best responsive when I was not bringing back the past and not being accusatory or making allusions. It is not easy at all, we are the ones who have been victimized and we are the ones who have to be nice and polite, so unfair.
So glad you are finally able to sleep and take a clearer look at your situation, you are clearly moving from reaction to acting. That's a huge step.
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
