MLC W and preparing for S or D in the new year

[Gordie]

Gordie -- you asked before why my situation has become closer to yours. I don't know if you gathered the answer ... but it's because my W recently wrote that she loves me and that I will always be a part of her life and she wants to D but live in the same house for up to a year while she gains some economic footing. Her professing love and wanting to stay together ... that parallels yours. Also, there is a very strong MLC component to my W's existential crisis ... she has never been able to take control of her life (especially in a healthy way), so she's always felt boxed in by life, I think. Now that she's going through midlife, she's rebelling against those perceived constraints, and wants to experience wild passion.

There is a part of me that is very envious of your date night w/ W, the snuggling, etc. But another part that says I'd be so torn up inside to do that while the W is asking for a divorce. Seems like torture.

Aha...yes, all that sounds terribly familiar--though the sexual incompatibility that your W discusses is perplexing to me, if she feels so loving and connected to you in the other ways, unless that is part of her earlier trauma or she has you in some non-sexual category of her brain (like a brother or a father--I know you are a fan of amateur psycho analysis). It is amazing at how many of these situations are different...yet share so many similarities. There is a question I'd like to ask you, that I am pondering:

*You and your W have kids, so like my situation, you guys will be together for the rest of your lives in some capacity. On these boards, there seems to be a spectrum of...#1 co-parents with NC other than kid related communication (tough love, make them miss you)...#2 friendly co-parents who continue to do some family activities together like birthdays or holidays or vacations (though one or both parties may have remarried)...and #3 friends and co-parents, LBSs who are standing and hope that by remaining friends they create the best atmosphere for their children and keep the door open to reconciliation (most of these situations appear to be in the MLC category). Where do you see you and your W in the future?

[ForGump]

#1.

I can't do any other. I can't be platonic friends w/ my W if she divorces me. My heart just doesn't feel it that way. She will always be a sexual being to me.

Maybe my heart will change. But it will take years, maybe decades.

[Gordie]

Over the last 48 hours, W has been acting differently, doing her own 180s. She hasn't said anything and we haven't had any R talks, it's just a vibe I'm getting.

*About 10 days ago, I was getting the vibe that she was uncomfortable with our regular hello and goodbye kisses on the cheek, so I stopped. I didn't even know if she'd notice or if she'd feel relieved (maybe the kisses were pursuing). Yesterday, she started kissing me hello and goodbye.

*Today, she texted me out of the blue thanking me for something I did for her yesterday (she usually doesn't do this).

*Yesterday, there was the request to snuggle in bed (no ML) and touched me non-sexually, a lot more than recently.

Of course, I'm wondering what is going on in her head, but I'm not going to ask her. As far as I know, she is still full-steam ahead on the separation process (though I have not yet gotten a written proposal from her/her lawyer). Why is she acting this way if she is at the same time plotting our separation? And what do I do if she says she's having second thoughts?

[PacLove]

Over the last 48 hours, W has been acting differently, doing her own 180s. She hasn't said anything and we haven't had any R talks, it's just a vibe I'm getting.

*About 10 days ago, I was getting the vibe that she was uncomfortable with our regular hello and goodbye kisses on the cheek, so I stopped. I didn't even know if she'd notice or if she'd feel relieved (maybe the kisses were pursuing). Yesterday, she started kissing me hello and goodbye.

*Today, she texted me out of the blue thanking me for something I did for her yesterday (she usually doesn't do this).

*Yesterday, there was the request to snuggle in bed (no ML) and touched me non-sexually, a lot more than recently.

Of course, I'm wondering what is going on in her head, but I'm not going to ask her. As far as I know, she is still full-steam ahead on the separation process (though I have not yet gotten a written proposal from her/her lawyer). Why is she acting this way if she is at the same time plotting our separation? And what do I do if she says she's having second thoughts?

I don't know that I can speak for your W but I had a bit of this too before BD2. Cuddling out of the blue, kissing etc. and then coldness... emotions go up and down, it's probably her trying/testing to see if there's still "anything" there. I would just keep doing what your doing, stay consistent and non-responsive. you have separate Beds - is that your doing or hers? If she's acknowledged the A I'd draw a pretty hard line that physical contact is not acceptable as long as the A is active.

[Gordie]

Over the last 48 hours, W has been acting differently, doing her own 180s. She hasn't said anything and we haven't had any R talks, it's just a vibe I'm getting.

*About 10 days ago, I was getting the vibe that she was uncomfortable with our regular hello and goodbye kisses on the cheek, so I stopped. I didn't even know if she'd notice or if she'd feel relieved (maybe the kisses were pursuing). Yesterday, she started kissing me hello and goodbye.

*Today, she texted me out of the blue thanking me for something I did for her yesterday (she usually doesn't do this).

*Yesterday, there was the request to snuggle in bed (no ML) and touched me non-sexually, a lot more than recently.

Of course, I'm wondering what is going on in her head, but I'm not going to ask her. As far as I know, she is still full-steam ahead on the separation process (though I have not yet gotten a written proposal from her/her lawyer). Why is she acting this way if she is at the same time plotting our separation? And what do I do if she says she's having second thoughts?

I don't know that I can speak for your W but I had a bit of this too before BD2. Cuddling out of the blue, kissing etc. and then coldness... emotions go up and down, it's probably her trying/testing to see if there's still "anything" there. I would just keep doing what your doing, stay consistent and non-responsive. you have separate Beds - is that your doing or hers? If she's acknowledged the A I'd draw a pretty hard line that physical contact is not acceptable as long as the A is active.

We still sleep in the same bed and ML. She says she won't start a new R until we S.

[Rose888]

Over the last 48 hours, W has been acting differently, doing her own 180s. She hasn't said anything and we haven't had any R talks, it's just a vibe I'm getting.

*About 10 days ago, I was getting the vibe that she was uncomfortable with our regular hello and goodbye kisses on the cheek, so I stopped. I didn't even know if she'd notice or if she'd feel relieved (maybe the kisses were pursuing). Yesterday, she started kissing me hello and goodbye.

*Today, she texted me out of the blue thanking me for something I did for her yesterday (she usually doesn't do this).

*Yesterday, there was the request to snuggle in bed (no ML) and touched me non-sexually, a lot more than recently.

Of course, I'm wondering what is going on in her head, but I'm not going to ask her. As far as I know, she is still full-steam ahead on the separation process (though I have not yet gotten a written proposal from her/her lawyer). Why is she acting this way if she is at the same time plotting our separation? And what do I do if she says she's having second thoughts?

Don't ask why. Don't ask her or us or yourself. She probably doesn't even know. If she says she's having second thoughts, validate but don't get your hopes up.

In the meantime, just enjoy the moments, and don't think about the future.

Have you read about pursuit and distance?

[Gordie]

Rose, thank you will follow that advice. How to validate?

You are having second thoughts? How does that make you feel? That must be difficult and confusing?

Yes, I read the distance and pursue thread over in MLC but haven't read the book. Thank you for the reminder.

[Rose888]

Rose, thank you will follow that advice. How to validate?

You are having second thoughts? How does that make you feel? That must be difficult and confusing?

Yes, I read the distance and pursue thread over in MLC but haven't read the book. Thank you for the reminder.

Hmm. That sounds patronizing to me.

I'd probably avoid asking questions.

"It sounds like you are doing a lot of thinking about this."

[Gordie]

Thank you--much better!

[Gordie]

ForGump--pulling this over from JRuss's thread as I don't want to hijack his:

W actually said almost this exact same thing to me

Gordie, I believe JRuss's wife did NOT say that. She DOESN'T realize that that is her problem. She believes her happiness is out there somewhere, in Divorceyland.

But ... it's curious, Gordie, that your W would say that, but is looking for happiness outside herself...!!! (I guess MLC/Waywards are irrational).

Yes, I realize JRuss's W did not say that but that JRuss was saying that as encouragement to all of us.

My W said that to me because she feels she no longer needs to be M to be happy...and W wants me to feel the same way. Yes, she thought M and children and being a SAHM would make her happy, but it didn't...instead, it made her feel resentful and used and trapped and frustrated and unfulfilled.

She's says she's detached from the M, but not from me (I still love you). To her, our M is dead and, if there is a new M for us in the future, she wants there to be no traditional expectations (H works outside the home and W is a homemaker). She doesn't know if I have it in me to have to have that type of relationship. Nor does she think we could transition our relationship from point A to point B except possibly after some time apart through S or D.