Am I in withdrawal ... will he ever wake up

[SBJ]

I have been reading about prodigal spouses lately...I guess it would be the wayward variety on here, but it is good to see that someone has such great hope and faith while standing for their M. You are an inspiration.

[Lana_71]

Hi LT
I was thinking of your msg last night. Of your wife saying she can't trust what her brain was telling her. I do believe that is true. I have seen some glimps of it from time to time and was amazed how my H was thinking. For example I used to get in touch and keep communication for a while then I try to detach and stop pursuing . Usually if I did he would not prrsue anyway I would give it 2-3 weeks and he would never contact us. Then I would get mad and ask him . His reply would be what about you " you also did not contact me" " you had my number" . In his mind he feels his brother ,sister , mother abandoned him when he had no money . He felt all our friends didn't ask about him or offer help , he forgets they had their life and he never asked for anything. He even has the feeling me and kids abandoned him rather than him abandoning us and we are better off without him in our life . So for 2 years I kept on maintaining the connection , feeling that he is alone and need us to give him that valuable feeling. He kept complaining of things I did which are stupid and taken out of context. I used to blame myself but not anymore. Cause once he was in MLc he would have found anything to complain about. So he criticised his own family and compared himself to my brother and his and always saw himself short. That is part of what goes in his mind which I have no control about and unless he stops comparing and start appreciating both his brother for at least taking care of his mother and sisters emotionally and financially and my brother and mom for being the rock for me and the girls when he decided to bail out. He always thought if he makes enough money all his issues will be solved and we will all love him again. I felt sorry for him but I guess he has to go through his journey to appreciate what he has.
A glimpse of my H brain ..,

Now I don't think communicating with him will add anything to me. I pray daily to God to guide him towards his kids. I don't think I can do anything for him anymore as he need to figure it out himself. And sometimes I think what if we are really better off without him in our life?

[Lana_71]

Hello ... so I was not ready yesterday to send him a msg but today I was... it started in the morning my youngest sent him a msg and he replied but it seems he didnot have anything to talk to her about so it died some how " you are awesome yeah I am the coolest..." I hope you know what I mean.

On other had I am thinking of the summer and have promised my oldest to visit England and my youngest an iPad based on her year mark in addition to a lot of payments braces, school fees, etc and I don't want to request money . I know it is my right but I don't want that and at the moment will not change my mind . So I decided to go back to my old job out of state and leave kids with mom for a month then they join me and it will be easier since they want to spend some time here and we can travel and do our shopping during that time. So I wrote an email to u stating what I plan to do to cover the cost I have . In the email I said I am telling you this because I will be leaving kids with mom in may , I am planning g summer tickets for better rates if he wants to be included and do that later he doesnot say no body told me. I ended it saying I know he is s great person but need to figure out his way and go through his journey be it with us or not.

I have been a coward earlier not saying my mind feeling things will break down as if I have anything ...just some stupid imagination I guess ... anyway i feel he need to know what I am thinking and up to him to decide if he wants to say something or not.

[exquisitetobe]

" he is s great person but need to figure out his way and go through his journey be it with us or not."

" I have been a coward earlier not saying my mind feeling things will break down as if I have anything "

Those 2 quotes stand out to me.. I' ve been reading your story from day 1 and I have not seen his contribution as a father nor husband. MLC? Maybe. But you have realised that you do not have much to lose since you do not have much with him to begin with.

To me, a father is not a text on the phone.. A father is active in a child' s life. ( unless he is in the army and has no choice ). A husband is a partner.. Support you ( I am not talking money ), encourage you, takes part in decisions, communicate, show love, affection, caring.... You have shown these things towards him.. Have you got any of it back? It breaks my heart to see you put yourself through this. Unless HE COMES FORWARD, you are on your own. He might be a wonderful man but he needs to step up to the plate,, Will he?? When?? What is he never does?? Then what??

[exquisitetobe]

Lana, i know i go against db right now.. if you were my mother, my daughter, my best friend, i would want you to invest in a relationship with someone who sees your beauty and the the beauty of your children..someone who would sherish all of you.. your husband MIGHT BE it but he is not and might never be again..

[exquisitetobe]

The choice is yours!!!

[Lana_71]

Hi exquisite ... I know what you are saying is true...I would have loved to bash him and tell him I am so happy he is not my father . Unfortunate for my kids although I always thought he could have been s great one. I see him stuck when communicating with them. He doesnot know how to maintain a conversation. Or even what interest them. The other question is it mlc? Definitely I saw the change in clothing he used to be sharp conservative then at 40 got red and orange pants , got a bike which he always wanted now he wear white pants and Fidora hat ... long hair which use to be very short. Drinking more . Values changed. Cynical Self absorbed, victimized all the time and very depressed workaholic . I am sure this is not the man I fell in love with.
I know I deserve better but don't feel I am ready yet to start again . But most probably I am ready to move on without him. Thanks for the words they make me stronger to stand up and move forward.

[Lana_71]

Hi again
Not trying to defend H doing . Nor that he is being a jerk now. But maybe trying to defend what I always saw in him. This guy started work and supported his family since 16. He put his brother to college and he got both sister wedded and paid the wedding expenses. He supported his mom along with his younger brother later . This guy was a generous through our 11 years of marriage even now he doesnot count if he has it he will give it. Or maybe that is how I saw it . This guy used to take care of his kids all the time especially when I traveled on business. But once he had no money and apperently his brother and family didnot care or that is how he saw it he went into depression and mic ... and a totally new guy emerged selfish brutal , careless , ignoring me and everyone else...
This sound so sad ... but I still see what he was not what he became.

[SBJ]

Lana...that seems to be the case for so many. My W was always the golden child of her family. She was the go between with her parents and her sisters. One sister is a long term addict and the other suffers with anxiety. Her parents are divorced and the MIL shows extreme favoritism with my W, but is an enabler. The FIL is totally passive aggressive passive...if there is such a thing. He also shows favoritism with my W. Four years ago her favorite grandmother (and last grandparent) died and I know that had an affect on her and my MIL.

Now it seems that she is wanting total freedom and is being extremely selfish. She still has a great relationship with my kids and her mother, but everyone else is history...she has always been a great daughter, a great sister, a great mother, and I thought a great wife. I can and will defend her past, but I cannot defend what she is doing now.

I agree with you about seeing what they were and I will not forget that, but most of the advice on here seems to say that that person is gone and might not ever be seen again. I pray daily that she will be returned to me, but I also realize that this is a process that she has to work thru. All things happen in his timing...not ours.

[Lana_71]

Thanks exquisite for making me write this you made me remember for what I am standing for . I still don't regret anything done and would not change a thing. I am also greatful for having the opportunity for my kids to live with my mom.. it always add to their personality to learn from her. Today she taught both of them how the beds should be arranged perfectly ... it is fun to see her trying to turn them to proper ladies as she put it... i enjoy it and laugh , don't worry she knows her limit but just as a concerned grandma she does what is necessary . She also makes sure she cooks what they love all the time... it nice every time a door closes another one opens ...