Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 8

[PsySara]

Skyhigh,
As usual your words are very wise and concise. I was making tea for myself this morning and made WH a cup as well. He was saying his morning prayers and I asked the nanny to let him know because I had to finish getting ready for work. I then started my morning prayers and WH came in as if to speak to me. He saw me praying and went to work. I am not sure what he was going to say but frankly I made the ea as an act of kindness. I ahve been re-reading my notes from the DBing coach and he recommended a soft and kind approach. I am working on making myself a softer and warmer (less angry/reactive) woman. Don;t get me wrong, I am not some screaming harridan but I also have quite the temper.

Next week is WH's birthday and I am thinking of having a cookie bouquet from the kids sent to his job. The two older kids are starting to understand birthdays and realize WH's birthday is soon.

Surfer,
I am definitely not at the point where I would be okay if I found out WH was in another relationship. While I don't think I would be explosive anymore I definitely would put his stuff on the porch and have the locks changed before he got home. I feel this is step up from my initial impulse to set his wardrobe/cars/bikes on fire.

Today I got home before WH and dressed super nice again, touched up my makeup and let my heair down. WH came home and did a double take. He greeted me and asked how my day was, I responded it was great (it was) and talked about how the baby is suddenly walking. There were some smiles and then WH ate dinner with the kids. He then looked perplexed, kept sneaking looks at me and then suddenly went to the spare room and went to bed. (this is a common coping mechanism when he becomes emotionally overwhelmed and shuts down) I actually consider this a bit of a positive move forward, it shows deep conflict. If he was apathetic then I would know he is just finished. Another day he has not gone to a lawyer or filed. Another day of the gift of time.

In more news I am already starting to see my belly start to become defined from running at the gym. I really hate running but it is the most efficient way to get toned. I am sleeping better after taking an extremely light dose of an antidepressant that removes nightmares secondary to PTSD. I feel stable, strong and happy. I find myself more in the "now" and focused at work and with my kids.

[Gordie]

Another day he has not gone to a lawyer or filed. Another day of the gift of time.

This quote is so inspiring!!!

And way to go in terms of your physical transformation.

[Cherry]

What I really admire about you is how quickly you pick yourself up and get back to working on you and doing what works.

The exercise is like a win, win, win. Good for your health, confidence and mentality. Keep at it lady, you're doing great!

[skyhigh]

You got it!
Glad that your roller coaster is slowing down.
Keep working on yourself, you will notice the more you are able to control your reactions/conversation, the more he will open and start to change (sometimes it's very subtile and don't expect the full remorses/regrets more probably you won't get it, it will be more about his "acts of kindness" toward you because he cares (at first it will be probably more to show some affection, don't expect any love talks and don't initiate any, my big mistakes, it set up back the progress), he will still remain very touchy for months, but the touchiness will go down (from every day to a few times a week to just once a week...), you are in for a very long journey.
No rush. Enjoy your kids. Enjoy your friends. Invest in your job.

It's so important to cool off the situation, nothing can be done when the emotions are high. MLCers need space, time and a quiet surrounding, they are so conflicted inside their mind (ambivalent), they are very touchy so anything can make them react.
Keep looking good, I was always also making sure my hair and my make up were done nicely nothing excessive (natural chic),
Exercising is excellent, it produces endorphins in your system. It kept me going through that journey and kept me in shape.
Bye going to drive my youngest to her private lesson and enjoy some girlfriends talks...

[Surfer]

Great post Sara.

Love those posts when you have made yourself look stunning and your WH double takes!! Exercise is helping keep emotions in check, you are starting to look and feel more confident etc. Exactly as Cherry says, win, win!

Yes if WH was having an affair its to the locksmiths. But look at the messages of gifts of time for now filing, you are learning to cope with the pressures.

Keep on keeping on. You are getting stronger day by day. Just keep those emotions in check. You cant fall in love with someone when they are stressed and troubled. Make it easy for him.

Surfer.

[PsySara]

Thank you guys, your words are always so helpful, your advice is sound.

WH continues the siege of silence and I continue to read, relax, exercise, and looking within to work on my own deficiencies. While I look to my other relationships to draw love from I am lonely. I miss feeling like I was in a working marriage. I miss being able to just walk up to him and kiss him, hug him and snuggle. While my children less me snuggle them it's not the same as the affection between a couple.

This weekend we are being visited by two of aunts and his cousin which means he will have to sleep in the MBR. This should provide some interesting data for my posts.

[100383]

You should make him sleep I the floor.

[PsySara]

Big developments happened this weekend. WH's family members came to visit Saturday-Monday. They are elderly and had a big part of my WH's upbringing. As soon as they walked through the door I embraced them and was smiling from ear to ear, I really like these relatives. We were all talking a mile a minute and then WH wanted to go get them something to eat. He quietly took me aside and wrapped his arms around me and thanked me. He said he felt himself melt inside when he saw me being so kind and affectionate with his relatives. I was surprised this was a watershed moment for him but chose to embrace it.

Later that evening he sat down with me and said he had a lot of reservations about our marriage. He said I have been very hurtful to him, that I have verbally and emotionally abused him, that my pride is a serious problem. I bit the inside of my cheek because it can be hard to feel sympathy and validate when the Cheater is projecting himself as the victim but this is where I really needed to do a 180. I tried to actually listen to how WH felt when he was arguing with me. I validated his feelings and apologized deeply for the time I reacted in anger and said hurtful things. Wh asked how and what he could do to help me heal. I told him I needed to think about that but for now we needed to start from ground zero. Bare minimum we needed to treat each other with respect and compassion.

We've had quite a few conversations since then. I have been very careful to monitor my reactions and not to speak from anger. Today was WH's birthday so I had an assorted fruit (dipped in chocolate) basket sent to him with balloons. He sent me back a text thanking me. On the way home I bought his favorite foods and had them ready when he came in the house. He was so happy and smiling. He doesn't want me far from him, wanted me to sit by him while he ate dinner, wanted me to tell him how my day was, he also wanted to talk about his day. He is a lot like he was when we were first starting our relationship.

I am walking into this with a beginner's mind. I want to relearn him, he seems to want to relearn me as well. IF this trend continues I am thinking of having a weekend away (kids at my mom's) and having a mini honeymoon. I also told my husband I will be removing my hijab at the end of this month. Mostly I am doing this because I have been dealing with some hostility in public and while it doesn't bother me, sometimes this happens when I have my children with me. WH seemed sad that I felt pressure to remove it but said he will support me.

He asked me to text him next time I go to the gym so he can join me. He seems curious about my GAL activities and my medical care. I am hopeful and cautious.

[skyhigh]

Hope you had a "quiet" week end!
It seems you find a way to navigate around his silence and moodiness which is not easy at all. It takes such a self control not to engage a conversation with the one we chose as husband. You reached a new level in the "Detach journey".

[skyhigh]

It seems I typed my previous post while you were posting yours.
Really happy for you.

Mine husband is telling me the same that I was not verbally nice to him, Hello I didn't cheat you did... but like you I keep control of my tongue, even during piecing they are still very very touchy... The reservation things... I had the same speech... it's like they are testing the water to see if we are still interested to be with them. But be cautious don't rush full speed, see what the speed he is comfortable with.

I totally understand you reasons to be careful, I had to tell my daughter to stop wearing her athletic sweater with her name outside the school, I am so afraid of her being assaulted verbally. She is well known and very popular (Summa Cum Laude, student council and, a state bound athlete) at her high school but outside...

Big hugs dear Sara