Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 8

[Cherry]

Sara, I'm glad to see that there has been some developments. I'm not going to echo blu's words as she puts things far more eloquently than I do. But please (as you are) continue to proceed with caution, he has flip flopped back in and out of the R quite a lot- it must be exhausted.

But you do great. The positive PMA is good, when wh was living here that used to interest him, these days he seems to have slipped further into his funk and I am just invisible.

Keep it up, you're an inspiration lady

[skyhigh]

Hi Sara,

I totally get how you feel about the resentment, I still do, some days are better than others. It might take several months before he changes and starts to shift the blame from you to him. Stay patient and vigilant!

In view of the "garage issue", it seems that your husband is still very prone to "uncontrolled reaction". What about when one of your kids will learn how to drive and hit something... I know they are still young but...

MlCers are touchy and stay that way for a long time even when the replay phase is done. Mine is still very touchy and sometimes "misinterprets things and yells", tonight I explained to him " that he was he one who didn't get it" in a very polite manner with proofs while we were talking about a particular subject. Before I would have say nothing now I just stand my ground, my point is: I don't want to be a doormat for the rest of my life with him. I have my boundaries and I will keep them forever.

A gift is something you give without expecting something in return, so him expecting something from you is a total lack of kindness, he probably assumes that he regained control of you. My husband assumed the same for a few weeks until he noticed that he was wrong, he misinterpreted my detachment/validation for submission since I was not fighting/reacting anymore, lol.

The car, he put the down payment on, is used to drive his own kids. The house, he put the down payment upon, is used to shelter his kids and his wife. Do you see my point.

In regard of the family expenses, the balance seems not in his favor, he can send money to his family at large but it shouldn't be at the detriment of his own family (wife and children), it should come from the money that he is using for his toys and their maintenance. He seems he wants to have the best of both world, being the good son and and being supported by his wife which he cheated on.

He agreed with you on something different and he is revisiting the rules to his own advantages. May be remind him of his "promises" next time he brings the subject.
Remember him that's his duty to share the expenses for his kids (food, education, shelter, health, activities...) Do a spreadsheet and compare... Is he going to argue with a spreadsheet? A spreadsheet has no emotion just numbers.

It seems that he is still very selfish, he is using the gifts he gave you as leverage to get what he wants. It is obvious he still not have any empathy/remorses/regrets for what you went through. Sorry to tell you that but it takes time for the fog to lift even after OW is gone for a while. They are left with nobody to stroke their egos, they now know she was not the solution for their problems but they are still clueless about what to do to feel better.
So keep detaching, GAL, boundaries and, be nice to him but with no expectations.

We must be strong to manage all of that at once. It's difficult to fix a situation when the situation is "hot", so the fact you have been able to "cool down" your situation is fantastic. Once things are stabilized, the real changes, the ones that will stay for the long run, will happen but only when his mindset will shift.

[J5K]

Hello Sara,

Just checking in...hope all is well.

[PsySara]

Hi guys! Sorry I've been absent but my work has been slammed lately and when I am home it's usually handling the kids. WH and I have been spending a lot of time together too. I continue to squash my own reactivity, a couple of times I've bit my tongue (literally) to keep from engaging in an argument. Some examples:

There have been a few times we almost started argueing so I decided simply not to engage. Instead I became quiet and then said, "Maybe you're right." After that I would move along to a different topic. WH would later come and apologize or simply agree with me.

I have been speaking more of his LL, lots of touches, gentle kisses on his bald spot (something I love to do) and lots of ML. WH has responded VERY positively to this and now asks me what he can do in return. Honestly there really isn't one specific thing. I do want him to eventually have the trust to come to me and show real remorse for the affair. For now he is still too gun shy from my previous spewing. So I am keeping focus on my small goals;

1. Keep interactions kind, compassionate, warm and tender

2. Surprise him with 180s, on Monday I told him I wanted to go check out Ducatis with him. I thought he would piss himself with shock. (I have a surprise trip this Saturday and have already arranged childcare. I will be taking him a speed go-cart place)

3. Keep dressing like a model, make up always touched up and walking tall. I do this more for me than him but it definitely has turned his head.

Everyday I keep the BIG goal in mind, to raise my children in a loving, thriving marriage. Every time I want to engage in an argument, prove my point, let my ego take over; I ask myself, "Does this get you closer to that goal?" I am also keeping my self care in line, getting good quality sleep, spending about 20 minutes reading fiction before bedtime. I also have been DBing my other relationships and making sure to nurture them. This has helped keeping me out of my own head too much. I watch a lot of comedies to keep myself laughing.I keep thought stopping when I find myself ruminating about the affair. This is much easier when one starts into re-building. I am not changing my signature to piecing until we've been doing this for a month.

I have more good days than bad. I don't really have bad days as much as bad moments inside good days. I have done mental exercises to see how I would feel if WH had another affair. I think I would handle it much better this time. I would probably pack his things, kiss his check and wish him a good life with whomever he felt twoo wuv for. Then I would find the best divorce lawyer and make sure my kids were protected. I would walk away from my marriage knowing I had "earned" my way out.

[ForGump]

bravo

[J5K]

Sara,

I am happy to hear things are going better. I am also glad that you are not considering this piecing yet. Not sure if putting a time frame on it even matters or is important. Just glad that he is more receptive to you and is getting more involved with his family again.

[skyhigh]

So happy for you.

You really have overturned your situation in less than one month.
You are so smart not to engage in any arguments because they stay very sensitive for many months. I learned like you to let it go if it doesn't really matter. But with time they are getting more open minded.

Stay tuned to your situation, you are going right now through the phase called "hysterical bonding", it lasts for a few weeks then the real work starts. You will see if he is really remorseful and taking the blame for his actions and shifting the blame from you to him for the long term and, you how you will be dealing with resentment once everything will go back to "normal".
I am not trying to scare you in anyway, but when the resentment waves hit me I was quite surprised and it brought back some bad memories, that anger was so tough to deal with, it was not related to any of his present actions, it was just like my body was possessed by those thoughts. I am quite over them but they are still nagging me sometimes. That's why keeping GAL is so essential.
I really hope everything will work fine for you. I am just trying to give you some input on what lays next.

Bluwave described pretty well what she is dealing with right now, and I do/did share most of her thoughts at one point. It helped me to understand that I was not the only one with those issues, but those also should pass at one point. I am trying to live with my mind set on the future, because I cannot change the past and also it hurts too much. I have to let it go and set up new standards and boundaries for my new marriage, the old one being dead.

Have wonderful week end!

[PsySara]

ForGump, Thank you!

J5K,
WH has shown significant turnaround in the last few weeks, to the point I think I am dreaming, it's like my fantasy is coming true.

Skyhigh,
We actually already did the hysterical bonding back in June when he initially asked to start piecing. We couldn't get enough of each other. We've been hot and cold since, sometimes crazy sex and then after we fight we go weeks without. Right now we're back to acting like teenagers. Now every time we have sex I know we are boding because his LL is physical touch.

So update about the weekend:
Friday night we closed on the house. It was a huge relief to have that done, we both want to have some updates done before we move in. So we're hiring someone to do all this with the plan to move by the end of February. After the closing we went over to some friends and had a bar-b-que. We all had a fantastic time and the kids crashed and burned when we got home. I went to be shortly afterward and WH came to bed around 11:30 and cuddled up to me.

On Saturday we celebrated DS1 birthday and let him destroy a small baby size cake. (tradition in my family) WH took some fantastic pictures and later thanked me for arranging the party. I had already arranged childcare for the night and afterward took WH to speed go-cart racing. I am not sure who had a better time, me or him. I was literally screeching with glee as I turned the corners. Afterward we went to Dave-N-Busters and played video games. Even though it was getting late we were in no hurry as the kids were staying the night at my mother's home. So we had a steak dinner before heading home. We ML and then slept like the dead.

Sunday morning I brushed my teeth, my hair and put my contacts in...sashayed up to the bed wearing only my birthday suit and we ML again. Afterward I made us Chai tea and we had a light breakfast. We went to the outlet mall and WH basically bought me an entire wardrobe as I will be removing my hijab in a few days. I will be able to wear more casual clothing (short/quarter sleeves)as well as some jewelry. I had a ridiculously good time and was glowing. By lunch WH and and I were joking and cuddling like crazy. We started to talk about my old wedding ring set. It was chosen by his sister (WH's uncle owned a jewelry store) and we both agreed we didn't like it. I haven't worn my rings since WH broke NC with OW in Jan '16, they've been sitting in my vans ashtray. WH asked what I like and I told him I really loved the eternity ring at Blue Nile. We looked at different rings and he said he wanted to get me one. So we'll have to get me sized (can't remember my ring size) and then we'll get a set for both of us.

WH constantly thanks me now for all my actions. He has started saying ILY and wants me near him. I am open and easy with my physical affection which is a 180 for me. I now give love and affection without "keeping score." He gets my affection whether he helps me out around the house or not. This has made him be VERY proactive with helping me out, he now does all the bath routines with the little ones and has started getting up with the baby at night. We may disagree but I don't find us arguing, mostly because I refuse to engage. If he wants to be right (and it's not something endangering the kids or us) then I will just let him be right. In the end it comes down to wanting to be right or wanting to be happy. I am actually a LOT more happy now that I let but all the important things go. In the meantime I continue to work no myself, I still have a LONG way to go towards being the kind of person I want to be. I am treating this like a new marriage, starting from scratch. I took a lot for granted when WH I first married, that won't happen again. Though it's very different this time and I will never have the innocence I had before he cheated, I think I am a better and stranger person after getting through this.

[ForGump]

Sounds fantastic, esp. all that ML.

Your H doesn't realize what a lucky SOB he is.

I think you are a woman he'd be a fool to walk away from.

[PsySara]

Thanks FG, I think WH is slowly but surely having a light bulb moment. I keep DBing and working on me and he sees the changes. If he walks away now I can feel assured he is the fool.

I am still dressing sexy all the time at home, soaking up kid time and going to the gym. WH continues to pursue, he texts me at work, flirts while at home and has started saying ILY. I noticed that MWD has just released a new book about healing from infidelity. It's written in stages so I think I will skip to the point where the affair is over and how to go from there. I still have moments where my mind drifts to the affair and I quickly lock down that rumination and focus on NOW. I remind myself of his behavior NOW, his affection NOW, his re-engaging with his family NOW. That is my biggest challenge. I have been confronting myself when I start to ruminate, "Sara, what are getting out of this? Is this helping you achieve your goal? Is this going to serve your purpose?"

Cheeseless tunnels and all of that. Now, with that said, I do need to eventually conquer the monster of his affair. I need to see remorse. But that will likely take a long time and come in trickles and not an epiphany.