Can you trust a cheater again? That's an excellent question.
Right now, I don't trust him, I am still on "alert", but I don't let that alert being an obsession or bother me in my daily life. I would say he is "on parole". I live with it, that's why really being able to detach, helps not only during the crazy period but also after. I somehow became "waterproof" to how he can have an influence on me emotionally. I do love him but I don't let that "control me".
Do I will be able to trust him fully later on? Probably not! but that's my position as it is today, may be it will be different in one year.
I think it depends of the behavior/actions of the WH or WW and how they are trying to make up for what they did, somehow it goes back to remorse.
Can you trust someone else fully after that ordeal, that's another great question, most probably you can but not blindly as you used to with the previous one. We changed...
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
Sara, thank you for the reply. I've been following and I've read a post less than 3 weeks ago where he was done. Everything seemed to go from zero to 60 from what is read on here. And I know it has happened a few times with you guys, just like this. He picks up a book or does some things that show commitment right off the bat and he's back. I truly do pray it sticks this time and he also realizes this is a marathon and not a sprint. I would love to see everything work out for you and your family.
Can you trust a cheater again? Yes but never with the naivety you previously experienced. I was so shocked at the lies, the omissions, the absolute 180 (in a bad way) of my WH's personality that I was considering a head CT to check for a tumor. Part of the blind faith was a little bit of arrogance on my part, I felt there was NO WAY someone would cheat on me, no matter my faults or unwillingness to bend. Come to find out I was not adultery-proof.
The feelings I have for my WH are changing daily. I no longer love him just because he is my husband. I am choosing to see his weaknesses and strengths, his flaws, his vulnerability and I CHOOSE to love him. Now, with that said, love does not equal being a doormat. I have placed some HARD boundaries (NC with the OW, boundaries with women, no verbal abuse) and let the small things go.
A few times this week WH has been short with me so I simply do extinction therapy (removing the stimulus, me, and WH realizing he will be alone when he is inconsiderate. He has started to be more considerate, when he slips up he apologizes and asks me to forgive him. WH has always been somewhat socially awkward so I am not expecting him to be perfect. As long as he is willing to work on the things that hurt me then I will be patient.
We closed on a house a week ago and I spent the morning calling contractors and other folks. I want to have a LOT of upgrades and amenities added to the house before we move in at the end of the month. In the meantime WH and I enjoy our dinners together, he plays with the kids while I clean up the place and we are ML about 3-4 times a week. HE has every other weekend off so we usually plan some trips or activities for the kids. He asked if he could take me down to the Keys soon to spend some one-on-one time. I am alllll for that. I also am filling my time with friends, bar b ques, movie nights, kid play dates, etc., When WH pulls back I don't fret and wring my hands, I just call up a friend (or hang out with one) and I am joyous. WH's distances are becoming less and less, I am patient.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Just swinging by to give some support. Sounds like you're doing well and I truly pray that the penny has finally dropped and he realised what he was going to loose. Stick at it, and keep cautiously optimistic
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
ForGump, I think if I did 6 months of reconciliation and my spouse did what your's did I would feel the same.
Cherry, I am doing my darndest not to lose ground this time with reactivity. Good to see you around, I think about you a lot and wish I was there to be a physical presence and support.
Tonight WH and I took the kids out to eat. I made sure to dress to the nines and WH was constantly complimenting me. At one point he stopped eating and stared at me for a second and then said, "I am feeling so lucky right now. I have this beautiful family, this beautiful wife, thank you Sara." I smiled very warmly and thanked him back. I said, "I am glad you are my husband." He looked almost bashful and then got very serious and said, "Please tell me immediately if you see me making a mistake or doing/saying something wrong." I knew what he was implying and gently told him I would.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
10, We've had a couple of flase starts but usually I lost ground when I began to comb over the affair and drill him on how he could choose OW over me. This usually led to a downwards spiral and WH becoming Walk away again. This time I DB'd super hard and constantly reviewed my notes and the DR book. I even paid for the LRT videos and have watched them 3 times. The crack appeared when some relatives of his came for a visit. I greeted them warmly, lots of hugs and broad smiles. This was authentic on my behalf because I find them to be wonderful people. WH called me back into the bedroom and quietly thanked me for my gentleness and kindness towards his loved ones even though we were on such bad ground.
That night I listened while he listed his complaints and validated. Outwardly I was calm and colected, inwardly my adrenaline was pulsing and I could even hear my heartbeat in my ears. I wanted to argue SO BAD, to refute his "complaints" as he was the person who started this entire disaster. But instead I strapped in and applied my DBing techniques with the steely eyed determination of a soldier. I also keep remembering the book I read about recovering and how the beginning of piecing is not the best time to seek remorse from your spouse. Instead, I am pouring love into his "bank" and am finding WH is starting to volunteer to aid in my recovery. In the end we're both hurting for entirely different reasons but pain is pain, ya know?
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
You are hard core. I mean, the dedication and intensity of the study. I'm inspired. And then the force of will to implement it. I imagine listening to the complaints got your hackles way up. I imagine wanting to punch my husband in such a situation. You are a rock star. Wait, maybe more like the soldier as you were disciplined in your quiet resolve (which is opposite of a rock star).
I'm glad you have figured out how to deposit into his your H's love bank. My H is so closed, I don't know where or how, as he's so singularly focused on leaving and suspicious. Anyway, what great timing for the relatives to come, actually. I'm glad your H recognized your warmth as genuine and that he was grateful. His reciprocating with aiding in your recovery is no small achievement. He's re-attaching. And yes, pain is pain.
You're doing so well. I admire your determination!
Totally agree about letting those discussions about OW on the side while piecing, I tried a few times, it was a bad idea, he was still not ready for it. So I stopped. As far he is making the necessary changes so we can rebuild our relationship those talks can wait, I am focusing right now on his behavior. I am also starting to have the impression he realized the full scope of his stupidity and it might be very painful for him to process, I am not trying to find him excuses but just to understand also his side. He needs time to own his actions and their consequences and acknowledge them to others.
Anyway, I am really enjoying how "peaceful" my life is right now in comparison to the past 3 years. Finally I can "Carpe Diem".
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
