10, My determination (cough* stubbornness) is both a blessing and a curse, lol! While I've never been a competitive runner(heck I can barely run on the treadmill at the gym) I do love a good intellectual challenge. Dbing introduced an utterly counter intuitive approach and even after reading and listening and getting coaching it took me a LOT of trial and error before I started implementing it consistently. My main struggle was detachment, it still is, and it's more of an art than a science. Detachment doesn't mean apathy or anger, it means simply not allowing your moods to hang onto theirs. So if they are angry/moody/cold you do not take it as a cue that things are going wrong. Actually their negative emotions show attachment when you think of it. Once I framed it that way in my head it made things immensely easier.
Sky, I feel like you and I are in very similar places in the process. Sometimes I see WH turning inward and emotions flit across his face and looks devastated. Recently he got hand foot and mouth disease from our kids (via day care) and I caught him googling whether or not it's an STD. I didn't say anything but he is starting to behave as if the enormity of his actions are sinking in. He doesn't like it when I do nice things for him (he has no problem doing nice things for me) because I think he wants to be punished or something. In the past I would have leaped on the chance to comb over my pain and how he was the cause of it. Now I simply give him acts of kindness without expecting payback or penance.
Tonight and tomorrow night WH is working, he had scheduled these nights before we started piecing. Now he says he regrets scheduling these nights and won't do it anymore after this month. He also texted me today while I was working asking if he could take me out to lunch. I accepted and we went to eat some bar-b-que. He seemed a bit aloof and...lost looking. We talked about some of the things we wanted done to the house and there are two very expensive projects. The project I want is the pool enclosure, the other he wants is the garage extension. He asked if we could do one now and save the other for next year. I said I think we should do the garage project first. He said he was uncomfortable with that as he felt I was doing it to be nice. I told him an extension would add value to the house as well as protect the cars and bring down our insurance. HE looked pained and I told him I was already thinking of delaying the pool enclosure as a co-worker told me about a special pool and patio show in March where you could get enclosures installed very affordably.
I finally broke a small rule and started talking about myself. I told him I was very happy and comfortable in my life right now and it really had little to do with us. Since starting my ADs, getting fantastic sleep, working out at the gym I had experienced a relaxed and peaceful outlook. He fiddled with the napkins and utensils and thanked me quietly for all the kindness I have been showing him.
I still have impatient moments with him when he does the things I found annoying before BD. I have to catch myself when I sense myself sliding into my old behaviors. WH is still very delicate around me, as if he is afraid my behavior will flip again. I understand this and will continue to work on my anger/rage issues. I need to do this for me and for my family.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
