Did your W work outside of the home at a fulltime job? B/c I am reading more and more posts from men who have a W who is a SAHM and who complains about the H not doing enough.
Sometimes what the H hears is not what the W is really wanting from him. (I know, women don't always say what they mean). She may have meant she wanted you more involved with her and/or the kids when you were not working. One way to determine if this was the case or not, is maybe to look at what she did while you were cooking meals......or whatever she deemed as not enough on her list.
This build up of resentment over the years is a significant sign of a wayward wife. It starts with resentments and grows to disrespect and finally overt acts of rebellion against her H and their M.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My W is a nurse and she works shifts most of her shifts were night shifts so she could be arround for our children during the day. I work days Monday to Friday woul get home at arround 7.30 so she would have made kids meals done bath and bed time and most often prepped me a meal she would then go out to work a night shift perhaps 3 nights a week
i try and do my share of the chores but as I work long hours she is about more during the day.. the same with the children I am not arround as much so my W has always done the lions share of the childcare
Ok I will try and be as open and as transparent as I can be and you may then understand my W.
I understand her much more than you realize. Will you listen to something I have to say.....before you leave the board again to retreat in your shell? I will get to the part of you not doing enough to help her....but first I want you to hear something else that applies to your situation.
Based on your information so far, I think your wife is wayward. She does not have to be in an affair to qualify as wayward. Waywardness is born in the heart of the woman, and she may never get involved with someone else. In other words, an affair does not make the wayward woman. And with her waywardness, comes a complete different mindset than perhaps she ever had, or that you've ever seen in her. At some point years ago she was disappointed in something you did....or didn't do.....or how you did it. In time, those disappointments turned into resentment. In order to go on with the MR, she may have tried to push those resentments down....but they were still in her heart. Every time some new or repeated disappointment......or some event or incident that she thought you failed as a man, a husband, and/or a father......all the past resentments welcomed in the new ones. So, it continued to grow in her heart. Do you know what else was growing? Disrespect for her husband. It kept growing until it choked out the desire she should/could feel for her husband. There are many, many ways a woman can show some level of disrespect for her H. I guarantee that if she is showing it outwardly, she is definitely feeling it from the heart. And speaking of feelings, the disrespect is why she is cold and not interested in working on the MR and/or a new one with you. She cannot experience loving feelings for you when she disrespects you. Women are wired in such a way that she has to respect her H, before she experiences the feelings of desire. That's why women say they love you as a friend, or as the father of her children.....but not as a lover/husband. Are you with me so far?
Now I will speak about all those things you did not do in the past. Those things you didn't do enough, or whatever she complained about you. Perhaps it was a logical, legitimate request that came from a devoted W & mother who was working long shifts as a nurse. Perhaps her requests were unreasonable, selfish, or whatever. My point is this......currently, it makes no difference. The WW may use the same old complaints about you......and you could perfect each & every thing that previously made her unhappy about you......but it would not change her how she feels. The current issues have surpassed the "complaints" she has given you. B/C now she is an emotionally different woman, and she probably won't tell you the real reason she wants out of the marriage. Therefore, she has to rely upon those old complaints from the past, or even come up with some new ones. In other words, it's not really about your failures anymore, but it's about her feelings. You may resist believing what I am telling you about your own W......but I have yet to see one WW turn around and "want" her H, based on him trying to do "enough" or fix the areas she made her complaints. She may decide to stay in the M for financial reasons, but her feelings of desire will not come without her respect. It simply will not work successfully with a wayward woman. You saw for yourself that two people can live in a M by sweeping things under the rug, but they won't be happy. The correct route in getting true love from your W is to first get her respect. That is the root of the problem. Getting her respect, and her letting go of the resentment is critical in having an intimate, loving MR.
This has been proven by the men who changed and basically tried to to improve things their WW complained about, but then discovered their WW's feelings still did not warm back....although he changed.
If you want to know more about the mindset of the wayward wife, there are several threads on the subject. If you want to continue doing what doesn't work....that's your choice, too.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi2 what you write is spot on it is almost like you have met her spoken to her I am not going to run away from this but my W does want to she has had our house valued is looking at houses she wants to put in an offer on a local house she has told me countless times that she wants to live apart from me this hurts she wants to put our house on to the market
So I am all ears I believe she is wayward and I am willing to follow your advice but can I do this if we are living apart in seperate houses I will still be spending time with my younger children who will live with my wife she says that for two or three nights while she works I can stay at her house I have been looking at houses myself and I have found somewhere I can buy
Where do I start and what do I do please can you steer me to the links on wayward wives
Sandi also she was a devoted W now full of resentment for the lack of support that I gave her she was not unreasonable never was all she wanted was equality and support and I let her down,this much I know is true. Now I am doing more she still sees it as not enough and I can see what you say and how this does not make any matter now I want to fix this I really do I am a changed man since the day she told me, way more involved thoughtful my time is spent with our children and I am doing more around the house but if this is not going to make things better then what how,do I regain the respect and lack of resentment
Can you explain the interactions between you and your W? Are they cold, silent, show bad attitudes, polite, etc.
What does she see when looking at you? Does she see anger, frustration, sulled, coldness, neediness, tension, or depression? What can you do that would help you show a calm, relaxed, cool kind of guy?
This is the time to become best friends with yourself. Give yourself an evaluation. Do you like this guy? What does he do for fun? Does he have any guy friends? What does his appearance say about him? Does he need to change his hair style, shave his beard, buy new clothes? Does his personality need some polish? Does he need to hit the gym? Does he need to stop bad habits? If you answer "yes" to any of these, then start the motion b/c these things are more important than you might currently see.
Do you have a life apart from W & kids? You need something just for you. Something you really enjoy. Getting a life will help restore a sense of well being, more self-confidence, energy, and even helps you become a more interesting man.
Take good care of youself, first. It is no disgrace to see a doctor if you cannot sleep, cannot focus at work, or very depressed. It is not a sign of weakness to take medication during the roughest period of your life. Also, if you are not currently seeing an IC, you may want to consider it. If you need to learn how to communicate better with your W, then research the web, find a class, or read a book on communication.
Have you read the link about setting boundaries? If not, look back on the first post from Cadet and look for the boundaries link. Effective boundaries are critical for the spouse who has a wayward wife. The WW feels disrespect toward her H, and at some point started showing those disrespectful feelings through overt actions. Usually it begins with something very small, and the H tries to overlook it and not make a big deal about it. The signs of her disrespect continued to grow. Snide remarks, heavy sighs, rolling her eyes, making unflattering facial expressions, bad attitude, talking to the H through the kids (tell your dad such & such), making you the butt of jokes, giving the kids permission after you have told them "no", act in such a way as to make you look like the bad guy, screaming at you, putting you down in front of others, getting into arguments in front of the kids or others, etc. Eventually, she will defy you in every way she so chooses.....b/c there have been no boundaries in the MR. She acts out in rebellious behavior. She will stay out drinking all night, flirt with men, act like a girl gone wild, talk against you to her family & friends, have secret meetups with men, have inappropriate conversations online, start an EA/PA, leave her M, etc. Every WW will not do every single thing in these examples I gave.....but some do. The common thread in all waywards is disrespect. Nothing changes as long as the disrespect is active.
What can you do about her disrespect toward you? First, set the tone of respect within your family and the home. Set boundaries to protect your feelings from her behavior. Even if she moves out, you still enforce your personal boundaries. For example, let's say she calls you and starts yelling or cursing at you. You would calmly say, "I will not be disrespected", and you hang up. If the family is eating dinner and she throws a fit about something, you get the kids and immediately leave her there alone. You take the kids and eat somewhere else. These actions show her that you will not just stand there and be disrespected by another adult. Anyway, read the link on how to set effective boundaries, and we can talk more about it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you for sending the link I will get on to reading it but to answer some of your question the interactions that we have are usually very good I do things for her and she does things for me she tells me we do have a good relationship just not the kind of relationship that I want it to be When she looks at me she would see neediness she sees that I am deeply hurt by her decision to leave the marriage I keep trying to have conversations with her trying to reason with her I like to play snooker and pool I could do with loosing some weight my dress is normally sports gear joggers and shirt or hoodie with trainers always has been so I could look to smarten up She does show disrespect and resentment towards me so boundaries sound important The problem for me is right now she is everything to me she could pretty much do as she likes and I will still accept her So I need to move to be more independent as at the moment i am very dependent on her being in my life for me to be happy
"The problem for me is right now she is everything to me she could pretty much do as she likes and I will still accept her So I need to move to be more independent as at the moment i am very dependent on her being in my life for me to be happy"
I agree this is central - a problem and also an opportunity. So, independent of her - and on the basis that she may not change her mind - what life are you going to build for yourself. If you are happier within yourself and have better boundaries, you will naturally deal better with people in your life who are disrespectful etc.
So, her aside - I'm keen for you to think about some early goals just for you - to start building the kind of life you want going forwards...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
how,do I regain the respect and lack of resentment 