I'm pretty down now. really confused about what one of our mutual friends said, and some stuff my STBCW said. i had thought that my wife and I were trying to reconcile, but my friend said she just could never trust me again after my EA, and since i became depressed she just wasn't attracted to me anymore. tough pill to swallow, but it's true and i see her point of view. during this time, i had really tried to support her emotionally and financially, but i should have just made myself a better person and GAL, detach. It's what i'm trying to do now.
I'm going to be seeing the STBXW in 7 days. she's flying here to cali on her way back from vacation with her BF. She's staying with mutual friends, doing taxes with me for a day, and then visiting her aunt.
we talked a few days ago on the phone. i tried really hard to do all my 180s and actually wrote them down and looked at them while i talked to her. at the time i was feeling better, and wanted to show her i was okay.
(abridged version) her: things are going really great with my new BF me: that's nice her: do you think i cheated on you? me: technically, we had signed the divorce papers, but there were some expectations. either way it was the right choice. her: i just want to let you know i don't think you cheated on me. me: thanks for telling me that. her: i didn't want to call you too much because i didn't want to get in the way of your healing. I miss you and sometimes i feel lost without you. you are like a teacher and my best friend. me: i'd like to be friends (my db coach said i should maintain friendship, but i don't know if this just makes me doormatted and friendzoned?)
nervous, don't know how to act when she comes. was just going to tell her, i disagree with the divorce, but respect her decision. be friendly and just GAL. i guess there really isn't anything else i can do. i thought a lot about sandi's advice to go cold turkey, but i think in my case, i haven't become close to the man i want to be. i just want to be friendly, not chummy when she calls, and just keep the line of comm open so she can see my improvements. and yes, i'm trying to remind myself to make these changes for myself only.
Married 6 years Separated 1 year Divorced 1/1/17 me 35 wife 30
STBXW is in the other room sleeping. We are at a mutual friends place. Met today to eat lunch and work on taxes a bit. Mutual friend said I seemed a lot better. I was making conversation and have been working hard on finding a good job. I've been going to a lot of interviews.
But boy, is this hard! Seeing her for the first time in 4 weeks, brought back a flood of emotions. I really really missed her. So much that I want to say and ask, and talk about, but I suppose at the same time, there is nothing left to say. We are going to dinner later when she wakes up. And we'll hang out tomorrow. I have not been clingy, or asking her to hang out a lot. I've been focused on interview preparation and see her when time allows.
The urge to talk about the relationship, and convince her that her bf is all wrong for her is strong. DB'ing is tough. How are you supposed to validate if your STBXW says she misses you? What do you say if she wants to complain about bf, or if she tells you how great things are going, or how happy she is?
Married 6 years Separated 1 year Divorced 1/1/17 me 35 wife 30
Vanilla you are still here! Nice to hear from you.
James17 practice mindfulness. I have dealt with depression all my life and until I used mindfulness I could get through. Visualise yourself that you are at a nice place. Do the same for your emotions.
Me: 43, W: 43 M: 16, T: 18 D - 7, D - 7 ILUB: 26 August 2014 Still living together
Vanilla you are still here! Nice to hear from you.
James17 practice mindfulness. I have dealt with depression all my life and until I used mindfulness I could get through. Visualise yourself that you are at a nice place. Do the same for your emotions.
Thank you Will. I am over in Surviving land, really my D is high conflict so I ought to be a newbie!
Come visit.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
STBXW is in the other room sleeping. We are at a mutual friends place. Met today to eat lunch and work on taxes a bit. Mutual friend said I seemed a lot better. I was making conversation and have been working hard on finding a good job. I've been going to a lot of interviews.
But boy, is this hard! Seeing her for the first time in 4 weeks, brought back a flood of emotions. I really really missed her. So much that I want to say and ask, and talk about, but I suppose at the same time, there is nothing left to say. We are going to dinner later when she wakes up. And we'll hang out tomorrow. I have not been clingy, or asking her to hang out a lot. I've been focused on interview preparation and see her when time allows.
The urge to talk about the relationship, and convince her that her bf is all wrong for her is strong. DB'ing is tough. How are you supposed to validate if your STBXW says she misses you? What do you say if she wants to complain about bf, or if she tells you how great things are going, or how happy she is?
Hello James17,
Are you still with us?
You have really good questions about validating and how to handle when she talks about her BF around you. How did the dinner go that night?
You are working with a DB Coach, right? It's a good idea to regroup with your coach now that you have seen her and taken care of taxes.
Please call me at 303-444-7004 when you would like to speak with your DB Coach again and we can look at your options.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
