Leaving Castle Caladan

[Zues126]

I hear you J. But here's the thing. In my case my XW walked. In yours it was your husband who left.

I don't support his actions. Leaving a marriage isn't an appropriate way to enforce a boundary to me, any more than shooting someone is enforcing a boundary on someone that cuts you off in traffic. There are times leaving a marriage is the only way to enforce a boundary, just as there are times shooting someone might be the only way to enforce a boundary in life. But in life it would take something pretty serious like breaking and entering and assault. And in marriage it had better be something pretty darn serious and threatening, and not emotional abuse or lack of compatibility to which 100% of married people could easily build a case for.

Of course these are just my values, which are clearly in the minority based on what I see when I look out the window.

But for me, I feel your husband should have sucked it up and stuck around for the count. Worst case scenario he is miserable in his marriage for life. More realistic worst case scenario there are underlying resentments, suffering, feelings of chronic misunderstanding and neglect, but also some surprising times of thoughtfulness, shared history, and some type of witnessing of each others life, maybe a ride to the hospital when someone is in an accident, someone to be at your death bed or funeral. Not a dream marriage, but not nothing either. Best case scenario sticking around might have even kept the door open for some evolution, some new insights, some growth, some breakthroughs. Maybe in 5 years you two would've found a way to go from being resentful roommates to partners again, and the season would have changed back to spring time. But even if Spring never came, I'm in the camp that every bad marriage has some good, and no good marriage is without some bad, and it's important to keep them together. And you were denied the benefits of a bad marriage as well as the opportunity to see what laid in the future for you as well.

We all have faults. We shouldn't leave each other for them. You shouldn't have to be perfect to qualify for a marriage. We post to each other so much because we both have a lot in common with each other's WAS, but we also are both marriage advocates and LBSs. I get the pain your ex went through as I've told you before, but I went through the same thing and would never have left. I might've been hurt to the soul but such is life. I'd rather be hurt to the soul and married than hurt to the soul and divorced I guess.

I guess it goes without saying I don't believe in greener grass either. Comparing your life partner to a car and trying to upgrade because you feel entitled to something you think is nicer is a gross way to look at leading a family. A mother would never consider trading her son for a foster child because she is resentful about her son's behavior. People can post differences all day long, but to me that's how gross I think abandoning a marriage is.

Again, I know I'm on my own here. I'm good with that. I'm not looking for agreement. The rest of the world can run it their way for a few more decades and see how well it works out. In the end I'm betting on Artificial Intelligence as our most realistic chance of solving this social disaster.

My main point was to let you know that just because you're human doesn't mean you deserve to be left J. Hurt, yes, we will all get hurt in an M and your WAH is going to hurt you just as you hurt him. But I grieve for your loss all the same.

[JellyB]

Lovely JujuB,

Losing our committed partnerships and marriages is one of the most humbling experiences I believe any human can have. It was my rock bottom moment in life, a mirror to what was broken in me. This experience is traumatic and emotional and cuts to the very essence of who we are as individuals.

Recovery from this experience starts when we step into grace and out of the shame of what we believe we didn't get right to maintain what we held as precious.

I like Zues consider you as one of my favourite posters and I believe we have become good friends. I have watched your pain, your anger, your grief and loss over many months. We have many similarities you and I and we have talked about them on many occasions. Our propensity to black and white thinking, to rumination and anxiety, to expecting the worse, to expecting perfectionism in ourself and others, to experiencing feelings of vegenfulness and anger and the need to be ever so right.

For many years I felt so much shame for being all of these things. Shame because these qualities didn't serve me well. Shame that they came between me and the men and people I love. Shame that I couldn't live up to my own standards.

This DBing experience has taught me that shame does not serve me or my relationships well. I just have to step into my authetically flawed self and miracles start to happen. Not life changing earth shattering ones. But small gorgeous run of the mill ones. Like finding amazing new friendships and love and enjoying my work. The freedom I now experience feels like breathing for the first time.

Ginger said it all ^^^^^^^^^^^, she is so extremely eloquant and wise. JujuB you are exactly where you need to be. You are moving forward and in recovery. You are on your way back up from rock bottom.

I don't know what more to offer you my friend. This part of the journey is neither complete darkness or complete light, It just is. But ride it and trust you will prevail. Look to those who have gone before you. Trust that this too shall pass.

I need to give you the biggest hug and I will the next time our paths cross my friend.


Much Love

JellyB XXX

[JujuB]

Thank you zues. It helps to hear that. It really does. I don't want to be stuck in that cycle of guilt again, much like I was when I first came here. I never really put much mind to marriage and what it really meant until I came on these boards. I was sheltered because divorce did not exist in my family. The thought of divorce never really existed as an option for me so I agree with most of your sentiment regarding marriage. I don't necessarily know that you share traits with my ex and me with your wife though. I think that maybe we represent to each other the universal struggle between male and female in general? Maybe because we are both pretty self aware and forthcoming?

Jelly, you have (like always) found a way to condense and put into words the exact nature of this experience. The rejection and loss of a committment, relationship, life, family, sense of reality and future is indeed humbling. I too consider you a good friend. I always felt a huge connection with you, even before I met you but was unsure why. And yes. We do seem to get each other. You have described me to a T. (Although I don't think I will be posting that on any future dating websites )

The 3 of us once had a similar conversation about being ok with our faults because it makes us the unique individuals we are. That there would be a person out there able to love us and stay committed to us regardless of our flaws. Our flaws are what gives us our own perspectives and ability to empathize. There is humor to them. To not being perfect or stepfordy. I understand now, how rejection can make us question ourselves to the very core. There were and are areas in which I need to change. But at the same time, I am not quite seeing myself able to be vulnerable with someone else at this point after husbands rejection.

[JellyB]

Just dropping by to say hello Zues. Longer times between posts and visits my friend for both of us. You are not forgotten. I hope you are in good spirits. Thinking of you. JellyB xxx

[Zues126]

Ug. Just lost a monster post that I was just finishing. I'll try again when I grieve this loss first. That was a tough one to lose. Oh well. Moving on. Talk soon, thanks gang!

[JellyB]

Feelin ya Zues!!

[Zues126]

OK, that was the universe’s way of telling me to shorten it up a bit. And to start composing these in a word document first…here goes take two!

Job: To recap the last year has been impossible. Sales goals out of reach, followed by a huge bank scandal in September with my company that impacted my business tremendously. I was hanging on until 1/1/17 figuring that they’d come out with a new pay plan but it didn’t look promising. It’s hard to say in my business because I don’t get paid upon closing accounts, I get paid as they start to perform. So I figured I’d give in 90 days, collect my annual bonus, and if my performance wasn’t in line with the goals I’d have to look elsewhere. This is really tough because starting in a new sales gig would be a huge investment of time and energy as well as a pay cut to relearn a new business.

Then, at the last minute, the sun broke through the clouds. They surprised everyone with a mid-year compensation adjustment effective April 1st. They said they knew the compensation plan was ‘broken’ and made some quick adjustments. They didn’t make it retroactive through 1/1 but hey, I don’t have to quit my job. And what I expect to earn now will be enough to pay my bills and my ex. 24 months left and I’m done with her as well, and from there I will actually have a bright future!

Funny enough the day I got this news I was also offered a really good job by another person within my company. One that I would’ve taken had it been offered at any point during the previous 12 months. Timing is a very funny thing, how a few random twists can change your life one way or another.

Pool: I haven’t been playing much but have had fun here and there. But this month something happened that made me realize I need to dive back in more seriously. Two different people called me up completely out of the blue and offered me funding to go play some major events. One was a friend of mine that misses seeing me compete (I haven’t played a major even since before BD). The other was an acquaintance from 10 years ago that lives across the country. He met me once and has apparently been a fan since then. I wrote a post on a pool forum that he read and apparently it spoke to him and he just wanted to make a contribution to help me on my way (of course he’d get a payout if I do well enough, but the odds are long enough I call it a contribution).

It was really cool, not just financially although most pool players are beggers and here I have people calling me up at random, but also because it’s powerful to know that I have a lot of people rooting me on. I decided to play the US Open 9 Ball Championship this year. My goal is to play a couple more events next year, and then in 2019 when I’m done paying XW, I have my table set up at home again, and I’ve knocked the rust off my pool game, I will be turning 40 and maybe I can make one last big rally to try to do some cool things before it’s too late.

Kids:
S12. He’s a good kid, and we’re doing well together. He’s been very good about hanging with the rest of the family when appropriate, although I give him his own time too. I’m working with him on accountability. He’s at an age where he needs to start taking responsibility for his life but doesn’t know how just yet. There have been a couple of cases in which he doesn’t like the consequences of his behavior but doesn’t realize he’s not a victim. I’ve talked this through with him, let him know he’s at the age where he can be a kid that has no control over his life, or a young adult that gets a voice, but that to have a voice he has to use it. I told him he wasn’t on his own trying to figure it out, I’m in his corner and will literally guide him through how he can contribute to the conversation about how his life plays out. For example, he doesn’t like playing violin and doesn’t like that he has to practice as soon as he comes home. But his mother and I agree he needs to do something extracurricular. So I told him he has a choice. He can ask his school counselor and his peers about alternatives such as a book club, chess club, sport, etc, and propose an alternative. If not he’ll default back to violin for the next year. And he can propose another approach to how and when he practices, but with the understanding that if he can’t manage it on his own to ensure it gets done that it will be back to first thing after school. I made it clear that he does get a voice, but choosing not to use it he is responsible for the outcome in his life. There are other examples as well such as how he damaged his phone and is now without a cell phone. I’ve given him guidance on how he could take responsibility for the damage, apologize, change some behavior, and put some skin in the game which would go a long way towards me reinstating his phone. He hasn’t acted on this so no cell phone. This is fine. It’s an important lesson for him to learn, and I’d rather have him learn this way at 12 then later in life. But I feel we’re getting along fine and he’s starting to learn how the world will work as he grows up. Oh, and if I forgot to mention I have also hooked him up with a top guy from Microsoft who is mentoring him a bit on the computer development. Pretty cool. So I’m really supportive of that as well.

D10 and D6. We’re having a ton of fun together. They are both so enthusiastic and joyous, almost at all times. D10 was really excited the other day but didn’t even know why. She said “I’m SO excited about…nothing!” She was trying to explain why she was so happy but didn’t really have a good reason, she just was. It was SO like her. Well, we’re hanging out, playing games. We got the 1984 Parker Brother’s Dune board game after fininish the book, it’s a collector item that cost $100 but I busted it out of the plastic because I thought it would be worth it. I loved it as a kid, sure enough we’ve played 8 games over 15 hours and have loved every minute. Of course it’s absolutely grizzly, the object is to kill off everyone else’s characters, so you spend time building up your team and then BOOM! They get assassinated or destroyed by sandworms or sandstorms or poisoned or whatever and they all die. At first this was upsetting to my kids, but I told them “Guys, in this game just realize that everybody will die”. Now when we play and I steal the shield from my daughter’s favorite character and then take advantage of that weakness by killing her off with a laser right afterwards she just shrugs and says “well, everyone dies…” Oh, and we’re doing a lot of chess puzzles, playing team games where we all suggest moves, and other practice there as well. We have so much fun with it. And THEY keep wanting to play pool, we play as a three person team taking turns to see how many turns it takes to shoot all 15 balls in (our record is 8 turns so far). I don’t know what to say, they’ve gotten through the hard work of learning how to hold the stick and cue and are starting to have FUN. We watch the Voice, listen to music, go for walks (it’s warming up in Minnesota). So all is good. One last note, the other night we watched “Overboard” and D10 mentioned getting divorced a few times rather flippantly. Like “She should just divorce him!” Well, it didn’t sit well with me. So afterwards I took her for a walk and shared with her some of my beliefs about marriage. I made it clear these were only my beliefs, that when she grew older she would have to decide what she believed, but by God I got to share with her my views because she was my daughter. I left her mom’s decisions completely out of it but made it very clear how I view things (appropriate for a 10 year old of course). You guys know me enough to know some of the main bullets I probably hit.

Joke of the week. A coworker told me his girlfriend complains about how he doesn’t share his emotions, and told him the other day she didn’t think he had any. I told him he should’ve looked her dead in the eye and said “When you said you don’t think I have emotions it made me feel, 1-0-1-1…” (Maybe he shouldn’t ask me for relationship advice )

Overall: Well, overall things are the best they’ve ever been. I’m pretty blessed and more at peace than I thought was possible. I posted some stuff on Juju’s thread about my walls being high, but that’s for good reason. I am a very sensitive person and some things simply impact me more than others. And when I see how other people behave I think it’s reasonable to not put myself in harm’s way. But I have never felt more sure that I’m on the right path for me. I am doing awesome as a dad, as an employee, as a friend to my best friend. I have zero regrets about how I’m spending my time or the example and messages I am sending to my children. I am fortunate for things to smooth out in my job because I can provide for my family and still have time to see them at night. I look forward to playing more pool in the future as with every other weekend without the kids I certainly have opportunity to play. I can’t wait to have a table at home again soon where I can crank my music and do drills into the evening. I guess things are just about too good to be true. There’s more I hope for in the future but only because I believe in striving and honoring the gifts I’ve received, not because I don’t have more than enough to fill my cup. This is all new to me and I like how life has become.

I wish all of you the same. Thanks for reading!

[doodler]

Zues,

Awesomely cool dude! I love it when the randomness of life comes together for a great outcome.

[SunnyB]

Thrilled to read your update, Zues. So happy things are coming together for you.

[JRuss]

What a great post. It is really calming and uplifting for me to read about someone who's gone through a lot worse than I had to emerging on the other side and enjoying life immensely. It gives hope, which can be in short supply for the LBS. Thank you, and I'm very happy for you.