I want to share my story with you all and to see what your opinions are and looking for guidance.
I have been married to my wife for 10 years. We have two children, boy (7) and girl (4). My Wife and kids are my life and mean the world to me.
Over the years, my wife has said I have been neglecting her and our relationship and she is done now. The reason for this neglect on my part was because I was too tied up with Work and wanting to make sure my family had a comfortable life and a roof over their head. During this process, I neglected our relationship .
Over the past summer we met a friend at a wedding. My wife and him started texting alot to each other etc and my wife fell for him...She had an affair with him a few months ago and was continuing until I finally found out about it a couple of weeks ago.
We have been to a marriage counselor but that was counter productive since she was still in her affair at the time which gave her to reason to want to work on us.
I found out that she was lying when she said she ended it and so I finally asked her if she was decent, that she would leave. She asked for 24 hours to reflect on things and to see the pros and cons of staying etc. So I watched her leave at 4 am in teh morning and she went to his place....ya I know, not ideal.
She came back after 24 hours and she was in tears. I asked her if I could hug her and she said yes...She told me she said goodbye to him and has come back.
This was the first true emotion I have seen from her since this all started. Her ended it with him was hard because she was very infatuated with him and felt it was meant to be and they were soul mates.
She said she has had no love/connection with me for the last 2 years.
I can look passed the affair and will not hold it against her. I have hugged her and told her that I love her more than ever and still see her as the angle I married. (yes, I love her that much)
She says she came back for the kids and will take us day by day. Right now we are not holding hands or anything. She does not feel that she wants to do that which I will respect right now. She says that she does not think the love/connection will come back. I on the other hand beg to differ. I truely believe we can get it back but I know it will be alot of work on my part to prove it to her.
We are talking an stuff right now and having some good conversations. I am sitting there and listening intently to how her day was and any stories she has to tell.
when this all started, I was trying to do damage control and pushing her to want to work on things and saying why we should stay together etc but I know now, that was just pushing her further away.
I want to fight for my family, I want my wife back and I want our kids to grow up with both us together.
anyway, that is my story in a nutshell. I am sure I can say alot more but I am sure you are all dreading how long this is already.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Sorry you're here, but welcome aboard. Lots of good people here to share the pain. We all have different sitch's, but we're all in this thing to support each other.
The best thing you can do for yourself is try and focus away from saving your M in the traditional sense. She told you that she's not in love with you and has not been for some time. I heard the same thing from my W 4 years ago.
What I learned from DB and the fine people here is to turn inward to working on making the best you that AllHope can be and it worked. For me, I lost focus to make permanent changes and am back into the fray again.
If you focus on being the best person you can be and best father you can be, you will make more headway than trying to reason with your W on saving your M. It is a lot of work as you mentioned because you're doing all the heavy lifting for the two of you, but it CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
I wish you luck in this process and remember it's a marathon and not a sprint.
Hope this helps. Be well.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
There are some great guys who are here and have been in your situation. I don't have anything to add now except to make sure you read the links you were sent. Now is the crucial time for you not to be a pleading, crying mess. Accept that she will probably waffle for a bit and may even go back to him one or more times. Don't make deals. Read, read, read, and work on you.
Welcome to the land of DB. This is the best place to be given your sitch.
I can relate completely to dedicating yourself to providing for your family, while losing site of your M.
This is what you will repeatedly hear on the forums. It all begins with YOU and improving yourself.
You mentioned that work consumed a lot of your time and energy. We can probably agree that it isn't worth it.
What other areas can you identify within yourself that need improvement? You will need to lead your W and family through this challenge in your lives.
By what I gather, your W doesn't want to work on your M/R right now? If that is the case, that is okay. Investing in self growth will be steps in the right direction.
You are extremely early on in your sitch, so you will be processing quite a few emotions. You mentioned that you forgave your W, and I wonder if that comes from the fear of losing her. You don't have to be too focused on that now, but be cognizant that this might surface when things get intense with your W.
Any complaints your W had about you as her H? How are you as a father?
Just a few thoughts and questions to start off with.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
thanks . I would like to answer some question you brought up. I have been improving myself since about december. I am a new man and focus solely on family now. what [censored] is that in my time of improvement is when she decided to accept the invitation of this man who I thought was my friend. She tells me no one can change like you have that fast...well you know, I beg to differ. I am determined and when I set my mind on something, I do it...she thinks it is all fake .
she is a firm believer that she will never want me again and is only here for the kids and I am her financial security.
As for forgiving her about her affair...I am truthful when I say I will look passed that. it is not fear of losing her. I really do love/care for her that much.
she says she loves me for being the father of our childern etc and I am a great dad..Kids love me and I pretty much take care of them 90 percent of the time since I work from home.
The only complaint I have heard from her is that I have neglected her over the years emotionally etc. Like, I was not always huggy and kissy etc. I admit that and I owned it and I addressed that. The problem is, she does not want to give me the chance to show her. She is too blinded by this new guy and its butter flies and meant to be situation that I dont stand a chance
As for forgiving her about her affair...I am truthful when I say I will look passed that. it is not fear of losing her. I really do love/care for her that much.
Yes, it is a fear of losing her. Otherwise, why are you so willing to look past a cheater?
You should ask yourself why you feel that way when it isn't returned? This isn't a new thing for her as the situation was played out long in advance. Sometimes we need to look at our own selfish reasons versus reality.
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she says she loves me for being the father of our childern
That's exactly what it is. Don't read into it.
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The problem is, she does not want to give me the chance to show her. She is too blinded by this new guy and its butter flies and meant to be situation that I dont stand a chance frown
Never should you even try to show her that you "changed." Why? Because it is strictly a pursuit matter. Think of it like this - she's gone, right? So now you say, "Hey, look at me - I've done all this changing and am a better man now." How do you think that looks in her eyes? Just like a ploy.
Sorry to be brutal, but it is what it is. Instead of worrying about a chance with her, how about taking a chance on yourself and living/growing your own life? That way, you'll be better off for whatever new woman may come into your life.
Last edited by Cadet; 03/31/1708:55 AM.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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