I feel like I'm doing all the wrong things so I'm finally asking for help. I love my wife and I want my marriage back but not like it was and trust will be a large hurdle.
History... I met my wife when I was 17 and she was 14. It was instant "love at first sight". We dated for months then I went into the Navy and the plan was when I got stationed somewhere we would get married and she would come live with me. Well while I was away she cheated on me, my sister found out and told me so I broke up with her. Every time I would come home on leave we would be together.
Before I got out of the Navy, in 1989 she married a guy and they moved to Minnesota. I married 1993 and then divorced in 2007. While I was going through it and connecting with friends on Myspace my old girlfriend connected with me online and we started talking. Seems like she was going through a divorce at the same time. Because her family was all down here she moved back to Texas so one thing led to another and we connected again and got married in 2008.
Current sitch... I neglected my wife emotionally, sexually and physically. 08/16 Wife comes to me and says something has to change or I'm going to leave. I was shocked and had no idea what to do or say. Same behavior continued and she came to me 2 more times crying telling me it has to change or she is leaving. I told her we can go to counseling or whatever but I did nothing to change myself or to help her.
EA since 6/16 PA since 9/16 Moved out 10/16 with OM Lost job 11/16 OM had no job OM got job 01/17 She wants to be friends and do things as "friends Only" like movies and lunches but is hiding the fact she is contacting me from OM.
When she left it was as a light switch turned on in my head and a fire was lit under my feet. I did an immediate self inventory of myself and my past behavior. I read books and searched the web for knowledge. I have completed my transformation in to the man I should have been but didn't know how. She has noticed and no I didn't ask.
When she left she was very angry and upset with me. Never wanted to see or talk to me again but eventually she would come pick me up and we would go eat or just ride around. She wanted to spend time with me behind OM back.
She tells our D30 that she loves OM and no longer sees me that way.
Should I continue to be her "friend" and "Hang out" with her or should I go NC. She was contacting me regularly asking when I could "come see her" but I thought I should go NC so I started pulling back. Only replying with short answers and I would wait 15 or 20 minutes before replying.
I told her I can't be her friend but I will help her if she needs help. I said OM should support her and she shouldn't be hiding things from him as honesty and trust are the foundations of good relationships.
Now she is mad and saying to never contact her and all I want to do is help her only if she is no longer with OM. That I'm helping her on my terms.
Please DBers I need your advice badly.
M 8 yrs EA 6/16 PA 09/16 Separated 10/16 WW moves out 11/16 D Filed 11/16, Hearing 05/08/17
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Before I got out of the Navy, in 1989 she married a guy and they moved to Minnesota. I married 1993 and then divorced in 2007. While I was going through it and connecting with friends on Myspace my old girlfriend connected with me online and we started talking. Seems like she was going through a divorce at the same time.
Curious what ended both of these marriages. Can you provide some more background?
Originally Posted By: codeman
She tells our D30 that she loves OM and no longer sees me that way.
Also, if my math is right, this would put this child as born in 1987. So is this daughter both of yours? If so, what was the custody agreements while you were each married to someone else?
Originally Posted By: codeman
Should I continue to be her "friend" and "Hang out" with her or should I go NC.
I told her I can't be her friend but I will help her if she needs help.
You told her you dont want to be her friend. Did you mean it, or was it a ploy to try to get her to 'choose' you? Honestly, I think going NC is for the best.
Being her friend is never going to work. That's not what you want (or is it?) and it's code for "You meet all of the needs I allow you to meet, and I give you nothing in return."
Curious what ended both of these marriages. Can you provide some more background?
My marriage ended after the loss of a child and we both just resented each other. I withdrew and she started partying. W marriage supposedly ended when her kids graduated from high school she had had always said she was leaving to come back to Texas.
Originally Posted By: Kaizen
Also, if my math is right, this would put this child as born in 1987. So is this daughter both of yours? If so, what was the custody agreements while you were each married to someone else?
It's my step daughter but we are very close. We are planning to move in together when I buy a house so we can both save money. It's me, S20 from 1st M, D30, baby daddy and my grandson 6.
Originally Posted By: Kaizen
You told her you dont want to be her friend. Did you mean it, or was it a ploy to try to get her to 'choose' you? Honestly, I think going NC is for the best.
I read it in Sandi2 posts that it is the best way to handle a WW but I'm not sure I am interpreting it correctly. I do not want to nor can I be her friend. I thought I could be but it is not possible for me. I'm not trying to make her do anything as I do not have that kind of power over her. I love my wife and I want my marriage back. Just looking for the best advice in dealing with her in this state of confusion she is in at the moment. I saw her at GS6 BB game. It was ok and weird as she actually side hugged me. ?? I was nice to her but nothing special.
Originally Posted By: codeman
Now she is mad and saying to never contact her
Especially since she is asking for that...
She has told me this several times now and each time she reaches out to me for some reason or another.
Originally Posted By: Kaizen
So what are you doing to GAL?
I am strong in this area. I immediately went to work on myself after she left. That's when it really hit me. I accept my part in this and I have asked everyone who was effected by my horrible actions and neglect for forgiveness. My actions and attitude hurt many people and all have forgiven me except her. I work out everyday and I've lost 50 pounds. I go out with my D30 family several times a week. I'm attending church and meeting people. I'm more out going and social at events and having lots of fun on my own. I have accepted the fact that she might be gone for good and I have no power over the out come of this mess. I have turned it over to God and his will be done, not mine and I will accept that.
I would really like to know how I should treat her when she does contact me. Should I just ignore her all together? Do I reply but act "as if"? Do act friendly but distant?
The Lord touched my soul when this hit me and somehow I have no hate, anger or ill will for WW or OM. I can only describe it as Gods Grace. I have given her the grace that god shows us. I love her as my wife and I forgive her when she doesn't deserve it. Everyone I that knows what's going on with me tell me to just forget her and move on with my life. This is mine and her family but I cannot just walk away. I will not give up without a fight but I need your wisdom and tools to be most effective and know that I gave it my all.
Thank you for your advice to a simple man who loves his wife more then he knew and as a fool mistreated her horribly.
M 8 yrs EA 6/16 PA 09/16 Separated 10/16 WW moves out 11/16 D Filed 11/16, Hearing 05/08/17
Thank you EastTN. That is NOT what I want. That is exactly what she has been doing and what I have been giving her until now.
Light Bulb came on last weekend when I started pulling back. Weird thing is she even said those exact words to me. "I can see you are pulling away from me now." Made me think she was reading this board or something somewhere.
M 8 yrs EA 6/16 PA 09/16 Separated 10/16 WW moves out 11/16 D Filed 11/16, Hearing 05/08/17
I said OM should support her and she shouldn't be hiding things from him as honesty and trust are the foundations of good relationships
Good job at throwing the dig in!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
"Sometimes the hardest part isn't letting go but rather learning to start over"
What is she saying or meaning by sending me this? This was after the "never contact me or text me again!" and "please block me now because I'm blocking you now!"
M 8 yrs EA 6/16 PA 09/16 Separated 10/16 WW moves out 11/16 D Filed 11/16, Hearing 05/08/17
It sounds like your changes have been noticed, just difficult to believe at this point. These changes need to be made for you and your kids. They need to be long lasting and sincere. Prove that to yourself and anyone else through your actions, not your words.
She could be temperature checking you to see if you are still an option as plan B. Mind reading isn't going to help. Focus all of your time, effort and energy into being the best codeman that only a fool would leave.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
