I want my wife and my marriage back. I do not know how to go about this or what I should be doing to move in that direction.
I can't tell you to do this or to do that. There is no magic pill, or bullet to make this all better.
I can tell you that detaching, dropping the rope, GAL, and living your life, are the best options toward that happening.
I know that ringing a bell that can't be un-rung ( filing for a divorce when you don't want one), typically isn't your best decision.
I know that your actions aren't matching your words.
Originally Posted By: codeman
She said this weekend that she will never be my wife again and we will not be friends. After i told her that I wasn't interested in being her friend as long as she is with another man. She cried and got mad and then calmed down then told me bye and hugged me.
Yea, and she also told you at one time, that she was gonna love you forever....
So she IS capable of changing her mind....
????
That also is an example of your actions and words....
You tell her that you are not interested in being her friend if she is with another guy...
And then you hug her bye...
Which is it Code ??
Cause you are confusing me, and I'm just an outsider reading along...
I only filed the divorce because she said it was over and I was in a state of shock. My head and my heart are at constant odds about my situation. My head says forget her and move on. My heart says stay and fight/work.
Head: Get the divorce because without it you will not be able to buy a house (we've always wanted to buy a house but credit was an issue for us).
Heart: If you go through with the divorce it will send her the wrong message or may close the door of reconciling your marriage.
The hug was a moment of weakness on my part but how do I tell her I can not give her a hug?
I no longer contact her. She does send me texts when she has a doctor visit or prescription she's picked up to let me know how much it was. She has back issues and she is trying to get some treatment before D and her insurance is dropped.
I did ask her on Wednesday if I had given her the flex pay card. She replied immediately as follows...
W- Yes Why? I was just thinking how I so miss talking to you
Me- Ty didn't remember if I gave it to you
W- Sometimes I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I really do miss our talks. It made me feel like I was important to someone. Have a good night.
Me- you too
I took the above as fishing.
She had everything when she started A, a great job making good money and a new car. OM wasn't working and he is on parole. Now after starting A and getting involved with OM she started using drugs, lost her job and her car was repossessed. Now OM has job and she doesn't have anything. She was telling me that he mistreats her but she says she deserves that now because of what she did. I'm thinking this was only to get sympathy from me.
I am working on myself and my family. I want to buy a house asap to save money. Rent is very high and going up. Now that I only have my income I am paying the bills but it is tight. My credit is finally where I can buy a house but hers is horrible. This is where the D will allow me to purchase a home.
Is this what I should be doing? My interpretation of getting a life is "getting my own life without her". Is this right or am I still missing the message?
Thank you Mach1 for calling me out on my flip flopping.
M 8 yrs EA 6/16 PA 09/16 Separated 10/16 WW moves out 11/16 D Filed 11/16, Hearing 05/08/17
Is this what I should be doing? My interpretation of getting a life is "getting my own life without her". Is this right or am I still missing the message?
Thank you Mach1 for calling me out on my flip flopping.
Code...
How about, just letting this rest for a while....???
I can 100% guarantee you, that, if you want to be married to her, then filing for a Divorce is counterproductive in that area...
Take some time, and get your feet back underneath yourself before you make any "emotional" decisions about your future...
Look at it like a bottle of wine...
You open it up, and let it breathe for a while in order to gain the fullest flavor from it....
I completely understand making a snap judgement about filing, but look at it from an outsiders point of view for a minute...
You were angry and hurt, so you made a decision , albeit one that you did not want, because it was the only way to hurt her as badly as you were hurt...
Doesn't make that wrong or right, it just is what it is...
I always recommend that one takes some time before any life decisions are made during these times.
So you take a year to really find out what exactly YOU want from life before you decide that you want a house..
I can assure you, that your life will look VERY different a year from now than what it does today...
Does that sound like something you can do ???
As far as what you should be doing ??
I think that you step back, and think about what you want your words and actions to say to her. I think that your words AND actions should match your boundaries...
And take this time to really get inside of your own head. Facing fears, figuring out how you want your life to look a year from now...
Write out some goals and ideas for yourself, and start working toward them one step at a time...
So, goal one is, that a year from today, you want to start the process of owning your own home...
Where, is yet to be determined. But you WILL be ready when the time comes for that....
Your WW is temp checking and she is conflicted. Those are good things. You've got to remember that right now, your W is NOT your W. She's morphed into someone else. Believe none of what she says and only half of what she does. She is deep in the fog and she doesn't know which way is up. She's got to hit rock bottom before she can start coming up for air. It will be painful but you've got to let her make that journey. Its the only way back.
If you've filed for D, that doesn't mean you have to go through with it. Just stop pushing the process forward. Take a breather and relax.
Mach1 told you EXACTLY what you need to do: detach, 180, GAL and drop the rope. Move on with your life. Doing THAT is how you get your W back. And even if she doesnt come back, you will be in a much better place to move on with your life if you do these things for YOU. Spend this time working on you and your issues.
GAL is about building confidence in yourself. It can help take your mind of the pain of what she has done if you do things that are enjoyable and are around people that give you joy. It will give you confidence in yourself and when you have that, she will see it. It will ooze through your pores and it is attractive. It will attract people to you and will attract your W to you.
My advice on the house? Dont do anything like that right now. That is a BIG decision. That can wait for a while. Its ok to start saving and have a plan for that in the future but don't start down that path right now.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Just so you all know I have never done anything to try and hurt my W or OM. Heck when she moved her stuff out he came over with her. My family helped them pack up and load her things onto the trailer. I have no anger, animosity or hatred for either of them.
I filed for D because she told me too and I thought my M was over. After finding this site I am more educated as to what is happening and why and I no longer want the divorce. I do question why she doesn't want the divorce now.
I am and have GAL, the 180 and dropped the rope. I am living life now instead of just going through it. I know I will be fine without her. I am no longer sad or hurt. Acceptance of what is. I have confidence that I haven't had for a very long time and I really like myself now. As my sister said, "the funny and crazy Codeman that everyone loves is back". I lost myself somehow and after W left I did a self inventory and found an A-hole that I couldn't look at in the mirror. I am not that guy anymore.
I hang out with my neighbors which I never even spoke to before. I visit family and go to movies all the time now.
As for her hitting rock bottom? I'm not sure how much farther down she can go honestly.
I am moving on with my life but why do I have to put my life on hold?
I haven't contacted her since I told her I wasn't going to be her friend while she is with another man and my actions reflect that.
The house is something I have wanted a very long time. Putting it off is going to be hard to handle but I see your point.
Mach1, how can my words and actions say anything to her if I am not in contact with her? Confusing...
I am to move on with my life but I shouldn't make any emotional decisions?
M 8 yrs EA 6/16 PA 09/16 Separated 10/16 WW moves out 11/16 D Filed 11/16, Hearing 05/08/17
W texted me on 4/15 asking if her medical procedure on 5/9 would be covered by our insurance if D is final on 5/8. I told her I would let her know on Monday. I wanted to ask my insurance rep.
It's Monday and insurance rep said it would not be covered as insurance coverage would end 5/8. I decided to take your advice and step back. Hold off on emotional decisions and breathe.
Conversation with W went like this...
Me "Your medical procedure will be covered by insurance."
W OK when does my insurance officially end?
Me Not sure at the moment
W Why
Me I'm putting the divorce on hold
W ok Ty
W I know you did not want to do that and I thank you for it I really need to have the procedure. So ty
Me I never wanted the divorce. I only filed because you told me to. . I thought it was what you wanted.
W We had already discussed that a million times
Me I'm not pursuing the divorce any longer
W Why is that?
Me I don't want it
W Yes you do. Just look at it as your good deed for me. I really do appreciate you cause I really need to get this done. . You told me you needed the divorce for you. I don't want to take that away. I just need to get my back better.
Me I was mistaken when I said that. . Don't worry about insurance but please let me know when you use flex so I can keep up with what's left. . Hope your back gets better soon.
W Ok I told you about the 70 for my meds then I got some for 5 the other day. That's it lately. . Sorry I forgot to tell you about the 5 . Why do you not want the divorce now?
Me No worries. That's what it's for.
W I want you to be able to go on with your life. Find someone that makes you happy and live happily ever after
Me Ty
W I don't in anyway want to hurt you anymore than what has already happened. . And yes I know you have moved on. I just want you to be free of me. . Have a good day and thanks again
Me Ty you too
Please let me know where I messed up or could have should have worded things better. I appreciate your opinions.
M 8 yrs EA 6/16 PA 09/16 Separated 10/16 WW moves out 11/16 D Filed 11/16, Hearing 05/08/17
Wow, I don't know much and mine doesn't talk to me, but I think you did a great job. I like how direct you were and how you did not allow any emotion or begging or pleading to enter into the matter. One thing I can tell you from personal experience (although I have never filed for and dropped a divorce), is that no one will understand why you won't go through it.
