Are you talking about an ultimatum to her? If you don't leave OM by this date i'm gone forever?
I think Jeep is asking if there is something that she can do that you would be shut off to her forever. Based on your comments, it seems that having an affair is not that line. Not saying I agree or disagree with your values, but I think thats what is being asked.
For example, "I'm not interested in being friends with you while you are in a relationship with another man." There is nothing there which she can argue or dispute. It's about you putting a fence around what you will or wont accept.
What you wrote is about her. She made XYZ choices so you are responding to them. In my mind, it reads as punishing. But it also reads as leaving lots of room for further discussion.
Keep your focus on 'I statements', I think.
Thank you Kaizen, I did think my response was a little too "HER" after I sent it. I am still learning this new way of thinking and communicating and welcome your guidance in this process.
I think and I feel are ok?
Well...maybe.
I feel, yes. Theres no arguing with that.
I think is a little dubious. Saying something like "I think you need to stop XXX so that YYY" isnt really made any different by saying "I think", ya know?
The idea is drawing the fence around you. Not around her.
For example, "I'm not interested in being friends with you while you are in a relationship with another man." There is nothing there which she can argue or dispute. It's about you putting a fence around what you will or wont accept.
What you wrote is about her. She made XYZ choices so you are responding to them. In my mind, it reads as punishing. But it also reads as leaving lots of room for further discussion.
Keep your focus on 'I statements', I think.
Thank you Kaizen, I did think my response was a little too "HER" after I sent it. I am still learning this new way of thinking and communicating and welcome your guidance in this process.
I think and I feel are ok?
I was thinking the same thing K...
I think, and I feel are good.
Just try to keep in mind though, that anytime that you use "I" or "YOU" , there is a chance to lay out quite a bit of guilt her way.
Guilt is good, however, guilt doesn't and shouldn't come from you.
Maybe something like....
"I have decided, that I will no longer allow myself to be in an open marriage."
Are you talking about an ultimatum to her? If you don't leave OM by this date i'm gone forever?
Nope. Because you have and are willing to accept the affair. What you need to ask yourself is what price to your soul/dignity/self-worth is it worth it?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I think Jeep is asking if there is something that she can do that you would be shut off to her forever. Based on your comments, it seems that having an affair is not that line. Not saying I agree or disagree with your values, but I think that's what is being asked.
Light Bulb I honestly cannot say what it would take for me to walk away from her forever or maybe I am doing that now. I will no longer be involved with her in any capacity while the A is active. I am going forward with the divorce on 5/8.
M 8 yrs EA 6/16 PA 09/16 Separated 10/16 WW moves out 11/16 D Filed 11/16, Hearing 05/08/17
Kaizen & Mach1, thank you for explaining the "I think" and "I feel" reference to me.
Any other suggestions on what I can say when she approaches me? I know she will at some point and I want to be prepared with the type of dialog I should take with her.
M 8 yrs EA 6/16 PA 09/16 Separated 10/16 WW moves out 11/16 D Filed 11/16, Hearing 05/08/17
Any other suggestions on what I can say when she approaches me? I know she will at some point and I want to be prepared with the type of dialog I should take with her.
I'm not much of a daily life advice person here.
More of a, IF you understand the philosophy, then you will make the right decision at that time, person...
Teach a man to fish theory...
So with that, I would say that you have to be you. No games, no BS, just who you are...
You say that you are different, and other people are noticing. So if that is the case, then you be that guy...
Simply put...Aloof, yet available for casual conversation.
Like has been said above, you shouldn't be her emotional support right now, she has another dude for that.
Leave her to it.
At this point CM, I would love to hear some goals. Decide where exactly you would like to see this go.
You talk of willing, and perhaps wanting a reconciliation, yet you talk of a hearing on 5/08.
So which is it ??
You have almost half ? of your life dedicated to being with, or thinking about this Woman...
You have a history of another guy not being a dealbreaker for you...
Are you really ready to throw in the towel this quickly ???
Simply put...Aloof, yet available for casual conversation.
Leave her to it.
At this point CM, I would love to hear some goals. Decide where exactly you would like to see this go.
You talk of willing, and perhaps wanting a reconciliation, yet you talk of a hearing on 5/08.
So which is it ??
You have almost half ? of your life dedicated to being with, or thinking about this Woman...
You have a history of another guy not being a dealbreaker for you...
Are you really ready to throw in the towel this quickly ???
I want my wife and my marriage back. I do not know how to go about this or what I should be doing to move in that direction.
She said this weekend that she will never be my wife again and we will not be friends. After i told her that I wasn't interested in being her friend as long as she is with another man. She cried and got mad and then calmed down then told me bye and hugged me.
She was at D30 and I knew she would confront me about me not texting her or answering her questions. It got pretty bad before i told her i wasnt discussing this.
M 8 yrs EA 6/16 PA 09/16 Separated 10/16 WW moves out 11/16 D Filed 11/16, Hearing 05/08/17
