WW Help Needed

[Mach1]

Can anyone explain or decode what she is saying?

It sounds to me like she is basically telling me to move on and that M and R is over. Confusing..

A WAS will typically ask for the Divorce to happen.

Especially those who are in, or have had a PA.

The typical reason is to lesson their guilt...

If YOU move on, and find someone else, then they free themselves ....

[MoveFrwd]

I noticed that you really didn't answer her question about why you don't want the Divorce...

This struck me also. It reads like you held off on the divorce because you were letting her insurance continue rather than because you dont want to push for a divorce you dont want.

I think you did good not going down her rabbit holes, but Id say, instead of ignoring her questions, it may be best in the future to give small, concise snippets of things. The things Mach suggested are great examples.

[25yearsmlc]

I said OM should support her and she shouldn't be hiding things from him as honesty and trust are the foundations of good relationships

Good job at throwing the dig in!

I never understand this^^ approach If the goal is to reconcile, OR to have a civil r b/c of kids, why throw a dig? Just seems like anger, which fuels & helps justify their choice to leave.

Imo, They won't slap their foreheads with guilt or shame as the catalyst for change

and say "OMG it's honesty and trust I forgot!" It's certainly not subtle enough to "plant a seed" if that is the goal.

Otherwise, I don't get it.

Just a thought

[25yearsmlc]

I agree with you but if there is a way to reconcile I am willing to give it a go

That explains everything. Do you have a line in the sand?

(Jeep did you read the first posts about how this couple got here? She drew lines in the sand 3 times...)

Not all affairs begin alike or out of nowhere, nor are there the same paths for them.

Codeman, I'm not blaming you for her choices. And I applaud your personal work.

The weight loss is impressive. Can you describe some behavioral issues she had with you, that you have worked on?

In other words, how would the marriage be better or different than before?

[codeman]

I noticed that you really didn't answer her question about why you don't want the Divorce...

Maybe you should be ready to answer, cause I think she is going to keep asking until you answer her....

Maybe just be honest with her ??

The truth is, I thought it was over. Completely. I wanted out. Just to get away from her as fast and as far as possible. Then she kept coming back to see me. Wanted to hang out. Texting and calling. Sneaking around behind OM back to be with me. Just confused me even more.

Why do I not want the divorce now?

I feel there is still hope for us and our marriage.

The only other thing, is that maybe a change of your wording...

Moving on is NOT the same as moving forward with your life...

Changing my wording?
I didn't say anything about moving on.

Is this right?
Moving on = another relationship/woman
Moving forward = living my life

[codeman]

[quote=Jeep74]

I said OM should support her and she shouldn't be hiding things from him as honesty and trust are the foundations of good relationships

Good job at throwing the dig in!

I did not mean that as it was taken unfortunately. It was meant as advice and not as a dig but I see my mistake now in saying it in the first place.
I do not offer her advice anymore.

[codeman]

The weight loss is impressive. Can you describe some behavioral issues she had with you, that you have worked on?

I was selfish, self centered and only cared about what I wanted. I thought MY things were more important then people or family. I had no idea how to treat a wife, no excuses just fact. I neglected her to the point of going days without even speaking to her. I was controlling and demeaning to her and her opinions. I withheld sex from her because of how I felt towards her. I dismissed all she wanted and cared about. I did not cherish her as I should have. I was a horrible husband/person.

In other words, how would the marriage be better or different than before?

First I must qualify my answer with both sides would need much work to get there but...
Talk about a 180. I am completely selfless now. I realized that people and family are most important. I care nothing about "things" now unless it is to give to someone in need. I learned what it is to be a man and a husband. A Christian man and husband who loves others as God loves us. I see what she was telling me that I couldn't or wouldn't see then. I listen more and speak less. The kind of listening that a woman wants and need. I used to think I had to fix everything. I thought she was just complaining all the time but I see now that she was desperate to communicate her feelings to me and I did not hear her. I heard the tone and the words she used but I did not understand the message she was trying to convey. It is like my eyes have been opened for the first time after being blind all my life.

I would cherish and protect my wife.

[Mach1]

The only other thing, is that maybe a change of your wording...

Moving on is NOT the same as moving forward with your life...

Changing my wording?
I didn't say anything about moving on.

Uhm...

I am moving on with my life but why do I have to put my life on hold?

Yes you did...

Is this right?
Moving on = another relationship/woman
Moving forward = living my life

Yes, that is pretty much what the difference is.

Moving on....closing the door and locking it. With another woman or not. You are choosing to never look that way again.

Moving forward...living your life, kicking the demons out of your own head, and focusing on the person that you want to be each and every day. While leaving the door cracked open just a bit..

[codeman]

My apologies Mach1.
Thank you for your explanation.

I guess I'm not moving on, I am moving forward.

[codeman]

I noticed that you really didn't answer her question about why you don't want the Divorce...

This struck me also. It reads like you held off on the divorce because you were letting her insurance continue rather than because you dont want to push for a divorce you dont want.

I think you did good not going down her rabbit holes, but Id say, instead of ignoring her questions, it may be best in the future to give small, concise snippets of things. The things Mach suggested are great examples.

I didn't want to say the wrong thing so I just waited and she moved the conversation on. I didn't have the words and I didn't want to sound weak.

How do I tell her I want her and our marriage back where she actually hears me after telling her a thousand times already?

Kaizen, can you give me some examples of these snippets you speak of?