Thanks, Own, I've not made any moves since last night's debacle. During the conversation yesterday before it went south, I asked him to locate some medicine in the house for the dog, and mail it along with a prescription he had picked up for me up north. I didn't know where the dog meds were, since I haven't been there since Jan. 1, and I said it's no big deal if you can't find it- totally did not expect him to even look, and especially after the conversation that came later. He texted me about an hour ago and said- I found the Angel Eye and also picked up your medicine, mailed it and you should have it tomorrow or next day. I just texted back Ty. That's all I have to give him right now.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
I think you did a great job. He made the move and did what you asked. Did he normally respond so quickly? If mine did something that fast it would be a huge change.
It's a new day and he's not in total control here. At any point, you can walk away if you want. You've been choosing to hang in there, and you need to remind yourself of that choice. I don't want you to feel like you're a victim at his mercy because you're not.
What I would try to do is find your mojo again. If he sends you a snarky text about your availability, rather than get annoyed, giggle to yourself. And if he doesn't answer in what seems like retaliation, giggle some more. Don't let the small stuff get you down, because, honey, you've been handling some pretty big stuff with aplomb. Most people couldn't do it.
So dust yourself off, put your head up high, and get out there and conquer the day. You had a down moment but it doesn't define you.
As I type that, I realize that I'm not doing DBing when I say those things,
Malarky. You do what you feel is right and what YOU want to do. At the end of the day, that's what it is about.
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The truth though, is I'm still hurting, and in many ways, more confused and needing guidance and suggestions than I was when all seemed hopeless.
That's normal, my friend. YOU GOT THIS!!! Maybe its time for that campfire and drink that was discussed!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Checking in to see how you are doing. Hope you having fun down there in the south. I went to Orange Theory the other day with my D because of you. The whole time I was there I was like, I am never doing this again. Then when it was over I was so proud of myself for doing it that I signed us both up. We have our second class in a little over an hour. Hope I make it.
I've not been following on your sitch per se but I've seen your posts around and you've always struck me as a really sparky positive type person, and I never thought to post on your thread, well, because it'd be a raincloud telling a rainbow how to shine kind of thing, I thought. Then I noticed what you said on PsySara's thread, about throwing up the white flag.
Having looked through your thread, I got to say, I totally get why you're down. All this contact with WH would drive me crazy. How are you ever going to concentrate on yourself with all this noise?
But before you give up, I invite you to stay still, with me, on this ledge. We don't have to do anything. Let's just be still, get through another day, and see what happens.
Ha! I love it Own! I exactly know the feeling!!! What fresh He11 have I fallen into, with about 3 minutes to go. Then you hit orange and it's kind of like labor- oh well, that wasn't so bad, now was it? LOL. Keep hanging in there. Someone encouraged me by saying, the first FOUR OR FIVE SESSIONS BE TOUGH. They are lucky I even went back. But it's true. It does get easier, just like DBing. It makes a stronger you. And in the end, that's all we need.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
YES, 2016sux, Thank you for coming forward. I think most of the time I am a positive person, but b/c of that, I think people always think I'm OK. The truth is, I am more confused and conflicted now than I was 3 months ago. And YES, I will sit still with you on this ledge. And be patient, and wait. B/c right now, today, that's what's best for me. I'm going to post in my thread in a few minutes, and ask for advice, just in an update, what's happened today kind of way, but I think I already know what I need to do, at least for the next few days, is to lean into whatever feelings come, and do nothing. You hang in there, too! I'll see if I can find your thread and get familiar with your sitch. We got this!
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
OK friends, I really need some input. I lost my stuff, all over the place, in texting with H last night. Just some history- this past Christmas, (with me not having a clue about what was about to happen), I bought tickets to see Soul2Soul concert, (up north, near our home), b/c F and T songs were very instrumental in our early days. I decorated a little box, and made all these things about date night, again, clueless. He didn't seem all that impressed, but now I know why. Anyway, the concert is this coming Thursday night. He called yesterday, just casually, like, Hey, what's up? What are you doing this weekend?, etc. I just felt myself sliding, once again, into this ANTI-DB frame of mind, and I should have just hung up. But OH, NO, of course I did not. I just kept plowing ahead, and eventually said, so are you going to the concert? He said, probably not. When is it? I said this Thursday night. I did not jump in and try to keep the convo going, which would be my normal way, but I just sat in silence. He said, would it make you really mad if I gave them to S and DIL? Well, I reacted in my natural self and said- I don't care what you do with the tickets. It was my Christmas present to you, so you do what you want. If I was honest, I would have said, No - it doesn't make me mad, but it hurts me so deeply that you wouldn't just say to me, can you just get on a plane and come here and let's go on the date? Anyway, I didn't. So we hung up. The more I thought, of course, the more I hurt and the madder I got. So I sent a text and said, basically- why wouldn't you just invite me up and us go to the concert? Then I said some other really dumb things, and just laid myself bare- no dignity at all, which I'm so ashamed of. Pretty much said, you can come south any time you want, and of course you can see the work done on the house, but at this point I see no reason for us to see each other. If we were working toward any kind of future together, that would have already happened. I know, I know. I ashamed of that enough for a collective us. It was late his time by this time, and he did not respond. That's his typical response anyway, to not respond, especially when I get crazy like that. So I didn't expect one. This morning, he sent a text that said- I'm not ignoring your text. I will answer as soon as I get a chance. Whatever. About 2 hours ago, he sent this- I truly thing that you coming here would do nothing but make things worse between us for the simple reason of the changes I have made to the house, and C staying here (like our 2nd son, who's bunking there to save up $)- I truly think our best shot of having a chance would be me coming down there. This is so much more than a concert.
I have not responded, b/c frankly, I don't know what to say. For the first time in a long time, he seems way more mature than me, thinking calmly, and he's probably right, about all of it. I'm just tired of waiting, frustrated, lonely, and want to stop this tug of war that's inside of me, with my heart in the middle. YES, I know that I still have to detach. But that is SO MUCH EASIER IF HE'D JUST GO DARK, like it used to be. Then I'd have no hope. But this little stringing along crap, bit by bit.... I'm not good at this. Please, someone hit me with the 2x4. I am just ready to enjoy everything again, and not have to think so much about what I don't need to be thinking about. I'm a hot mess. But thanks to this whole mental train of thought, I'm better than I would be if I'd not found this website. I'd probably already be divorced.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Sorry it's gotten the best of you, but you know this happens. The stringing is tough because patience is a virtue and you want the breadcrumbs to be bread loves the size of Texas!!!
It's about expectations and having none. How easy is that? It's hard. It's all hard. But just like cardio training or strength training, it's working at it every day to make you more prepared to react to these bread crumbs, reality checks, misery points, feelings that helps.
Sorry you're hurting, but we're all here for you.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
