First time here part 2

[leahsue]

Not so great, Jeep. I haven't been around much lately. See you on the other side soon.

[PsySara]

Let's back up a little. Looks like you were using the techniques properly but having trouble detaching. Go back and examine what you were doing that drew him toward you. Dbing is basically a mixture of CBT and solution focused brief therapy. You were doing well with the solution focused part but struggling with the CBT. You need to go to your thought process and do what's called downward spiral. This is a series of walk through on a specific thought process, to get to the automatic negative thoughts and then dismantle them. I'll give an example of my own ANT:

1. He left me because he's a cheater
2. He cheated because I didn't make him happy
3. I don't make him happy because I lack something.
4. I lack something because I am inadequate
5. I am inadequate because I am a failure.
6. I am a failure.

See that? The root of my negative thinking wasn't so much based on my WH's actions but my own irrational and incorrect thinking. I am not a failure, I am a physician that comes from a family of people who never made it out of high school. I did that all on my own with next to no support. But I was so caught up on defining my worth off his opinion of me. Him, a lying cheater! See how bizarre that was!?

So do downward spiral to get to the root cause of your beliefs and thinking. Dismantle the stuff that simply isn't true. DBing is about following a rational, healthy train of thought. Not "following your heart." Emotions are transient but your worth is not.

[Dawgs]

Not so great, Jeep. I haven't been around much lately. See you on the other side soon.

Anytime, my friend. Any time.

[Becky99]

Oh, LeahSue.
You have my heart. (And Cadence, you're incredible with providing solid, self-building advice!)
Your ongoing testimony is like reading my autobiography...except you've come to realizations about your MR that have you trying to move forward. I applaud you for recognizing his feelings for you are not what they were, yet not giving up the fight to take steps in recreating yourself and, possibly, your MR.
Your posts (and Cadence's replies) have been the 2x4 I needed to see and I'm certain there are many more not responding who are also benefiting from reading this thread.
The dots don't connect right now, but someday...and it may not be until eternity, we'll understand the trials we've endured. Because of this he11, I, as well as my parents, have built a closer relationship with God. I've also been privileged to meet new people and realize strength and support I had no idea was there. Not sure I'd want to give that up if it meant none of the past three years happened. Maybe, among many other things, you can take pride (the good kind) knowing your transparency has helped so many others struggling with the same battle.

[Becky99]

Also, the frequent contact? Gah!! So incredibly confusing!
I agree that it does feel like our H's are "stringing us along" and it messes with our heads at an incredible level.
Your posts make me think I'd really enjoy hanging out with you. (we'd bring Cadence and a lot of other DB friends along when we start to spiral.) After reading through a few replies in your thread, I've changed my thought process (at least for this moment) from he's "stringing me along" to "I'm just that awesome of a person. Why wouldn't he be intrigued by me?"
One of my co-workers, whom I adore, had a wonderful sense of humor. It wasn't uncommon to hear him say:
"Aren't I great? I'm amazing myself all the time!"
I think all of us DBers should walk around saying it!

[BluWave]

Leah, it can be very hard to "detach" and put your "expectations at zero," if that is the focus, in fact I think it has the opposite effect. I think the key is take the focus off of him, what he is doing, saying, and why, and try to live your life each day for yourself. It's very hard not to try and mind read and predict why they do what they do.

If you read back in my sitch, you will see that when I was mind reading my WH's words/behaviors, I was often wrong, even when it appeared obvious. Ultimately it is wasted effort and again only keeps the focused on them, and preventing detachment. That is why we have to have our focus be on GAL and 180s for us--things that improve how we live and feel each day, and without measuring the response it has on them. In time, they will notice.

Try and keep in mind this is truly a marathon and not a sprint. Most of these sitches takes years to unravel. We really can't control them or if the M survives--that takes both people. We can however wake up each day and improve ourselves. It works two-fold because it increases the chance we attract them back, and more importantly, we learn to live a healthier and more authentic life.

I know you can do this. You are smart, strong, and a very positive, bright person! You are too hard on yourself. This is hard stuff! It is perfectly okay to have sadness, depression, anxiety and self-doubt; you are human and you feel pain. So feel what you need to feel. Then you get up the next day and you try again. In time, it will get easier.

XOXO
Blu

[leahsue]

Hi Becky99,
Your posts (both of them) made me smile and smile. Thank you so much for the encouragement. It means more than I have words for.
Yesterday my counselor made a comment that I think will be useful for you. It certainly gave me another angle in this thought process. I was moaning about the whole "bread crumbs" thing, and she said, "Remember, what you want to see in this journey is one thing, but from where he is standing, the view is different. What you see as him tossing bread crumbs, may in fact be him thinking you he is throwing you the whole cake 100%. He may be giving all he's got right now, not deliberately only giving you small pieces."
That may or may not be true, and most likely I will never really know for sure, but it made me feel a little less frustrated.
Another thing that came to me last night as I was watching (binge/marathon) Mad Men, is this- There is no shame in being left by your husband.
Look at Betty. She was all a man could possibly want, and yet Don just did her wrong, so wrong, then just walked out. NOT HER FAULT. HIS ISSUES.
That helped me too.
If there were a real time meeting room, I think we'd all enjoy each others' company and never run out of things to talk about!! Hugs~

[leahsue]

Thank you, Blu. I've read your whole thread in the past, but maybe it's time for a refresher read. I have always admired your honesty in your posts, and your introspective wisdom of Blu and her actions. Thanks for reading and posting on me. I know what you say is true. And most days, I can rest there. Today I am resting there.

[OwnIt]

Leah, I love C's that can help you reframe things. Doing that has been a huge help in keeping my sanity.

[leahsue]

So, a little update. I last talked to H last Saturday. It was a good conversation and he was thinking he'd be able to set definite dates for his visit here by the end of this week. I didn't push, it was all his bringing it up. Later that day, I texted him, and he didn't respond. Sunday I texted and he responded, but by then I was feeling a little rejected so I'm sure I responded in a bit of a needy way (I know, I know). Then, because I regretted what I'd texted, I texted again. (Again, I know.) He never responded. So Monday morning is when I posted the whole epiphany about I need to re-learn pursuit and distance, etc. Late Monday afternoon, he texted- kind of a "why would you think I felt....... in answer to my Sunday text. In TOTAL opposite of my normal, I did not answer the text. I don't think I've ever done that with him, not in normal times, and not even in this chapter. I just didn't have anything to say. Since I live alone, when I don't respond, I have to think it worries people a little, just if I'm ok or not. (I was painting the house one time and fell off a ladder and scared everyone to death. They all know I am a daredevil and won't wait for someone to help me if there's a project I want done. ). In fact, last week I was out in the neighborhood sitting on people's porches, etc. and left my phone at home. When I got back my SON had called and texted like 6 times- just let me know you're OK! I just laughed. Role reversal!
Anyway, H has never been protective that way. I think he just assumes I'll always be OK. Plus he knows how my first husband was so over-bearing and controlling about my every move, every second, so in some ways I think H has always tried to hold very loose reins on me. But again, it's very unusual for me to just not respond. I don't hold my tongue very well. So Tuesday morning he texted with some kind of dumb question about a password and log in- did I have it? He was so dependent on me for all of that stuff. I was in counseling so didn't see it for an hour. But I texted back and said- probably, but I'm not at home. Also, very unlike me to not write a paragraph about where I am, I'll look when I get home and send, blah blah. He texted back, I was able to get it from device #. That was Tuesday. I did not respond. Normally I would have said, OK, good. Or something. But I just didn't have anything to say. Since then, I've been silent, and so has he. That has not happened since he started coming around to communication in March. I'm not even going to try and figure out why, because I can't. But I'm taking this distance/pursuit thing seriously now. If he wants me, he can pursue and I'll be willing to have the door open. But I'm not opening doors any more during this season. I feel good about it, and honestly, there's been a freedom this week in NOT talking to him. No push and pull, tug of war, that's been so hard for me lately. I don't know if this is helping or hurting the progress we'd been making, but it's helping ME, and that's all I can control. Right, sister and brothers? Hope everyone has a GET A LIFE kind of weekend!