The Idea Sjs would be that it would be a 180 to be more attentive if you weren't before. Going NC would actually be more of the same. Finding a balance of being attentive without pursuing would be really hard though. I think Wsh talked to a DB coach who walked him through it but you can ask him, he has his own thread too so you can read through how he went at it.
Together 7 years Married 3 Said she was taking long way home late January Left to get some space 2/19/17 BD 3/1/17 ILYB
If my understanding is correct, a 180 is just doing basically the opposite of what you normally do. It doesn't have to even be an "improvement". Though I would stay away from doing negative things, of course. It can just be reacting differently to your spouse. It throws off your spouse and helps to break the two of you out of ruts of patterns/habits of negative behavior. Divorce Remedy explains this.
About being careful about no contact: If your spouse complained all the time, like mine did, about feeling unloved, undesired, lonely, neglected, and so forth, you need to be very careful with how much you stand back with no contact. Michelle says this herself in the Q/A section of the Last Resort Technique video series, available on this website. As giftd said, no contact in my situation could be seen as "more of the same". Michelle says in these sorts of situations, you have to go lightly on no contact. The most important thing, in my opinion, is this one rule above all others: Do whatever seems to work, whether it goes against any rules or not. If your spouse is responding positively to something, that is what you need to be doing. If your spouse is responding negatively to something, then you either need to stop it entirely, or do it less, depending on the circumstances. So, pursuing might be annoying to your spouse, but in some situations, like with my wife, you shouldn't stop it entirely, though. However, letting my wife get mad and riled up in a tirade armegeddon of hate was very bad. It would multiply the coldness and distance in her, and her anger fueled her in the mean things she was doing. Defending myself would assist her into that rage. I learned this the hard way -- that contributing to her anger was the worst thing I could do. So, instead of defending myself, I needed to just say things like, "I'm so sorry you have felt this way", etc.
It's also important that when you are trying to figure out what's helping your situation and what isn't, that you don't look for just big changes. You need to notice the baby steps. The way people often improve their situations is through baby steps. One positive baby step tends to lead to another and another and another, and so on, with each step bringing you closer to your goal. This is partly why people often say that this is a marathon -- not a sprint.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
I also wanted to add, but forgot, that your goal is to show your spouse positive changes, and these changes need to be for you, too, not just your spouse. Your spouse needs to believe that the changes are lasting, that you aren't just doing them to win them back. So, if you neglected your wife, you can't entirely show positive changes while going completely no contact, because a positive change would be giving her attention and love. It's challenging for people in this situation, because they have to figure out the right balance between pursuit and no contact. But it helps to remember to do what appears to be helping and not do what appears to be hurting, and to remember that sometimes an action that you perform doesn't generate immediate results. You have to try it for a while, sometimes.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
Feeling more determined today. Not sure how long I can actually force myself to keep no contact, but I'll make it past today. Biggest concern is that I am giving her the ability to "get over" me. I don't really want to make things easier on her. It felt like we were making some progress before, then she was "feeling crushed" again. I think my biggest problem is that with NC I can't see results. I don't like the not knowing.
Wedding rehearsal tomorrow, get to see some friends. Wedding Friday, I'm going to do my best to not call her but I expect an emotional day. Saturday I'm going to a brewery tour with a new friend and hiking hopefully Sunday or Monday with another new friend. I emailed the HR person I interviewed with over the phone to follow up and she said another person will be emailing me but it should be next Wednesday.
If I get the job I'll have a timeline at least for myself. On the 15th I'll be able to start really looking for apartments (it'll be an hour move) with a move in date of July 1st (I have to be out of here by July 30th). I can move slowly for the most part, no rush. These things will probably be my biggest 180's because she's implied that I wasn't a leader in the relationship (I mostly disagree, but I can certainly do more). Moving to a new state, getting a "real" job in my field of study (something she was never able to do and possibly part of her sudden shift in priorities). Doing all this on my own along with graduating is a big deal.
Things that bugs me is this was the timeline all along. I'm literally just continuing with "our" life plan. I don't know what she wants anymore, but this is what I still want.
Together 7 years Married 3 Said she was taking long way home late January Left to get some space 2/19/17 BD 3/1/17 ILYB
thanks that helped clarify. my situation is much the same. my wife felt i didn't express or compliment her appearance often enough. i have been overthinking distancing on this matter as she once said i needed to stop the compliments (after BD) as it made her feel uncomfortable but went on to say that i should do it in my next relationship as it would be greatly appreciated. 2 things apply here i believe (correct me if I'm wrong) - believe none of what she says and only half of what she does, and 180'ing in this case may need to be reviewed, re-evaluated but reinitiated in a not so blatant way
BD Oct 2016 Me 47, W 43 together 25 years S 25, D 22
We shouldn't say too much about your situation in giftd's thread, but I'd keep with the compliments, just maybe tone them down, especially right after a negative response to them. Believe none of what they say definitely applies here, in my opinion. Also remember that a walk away spouse will often not act like they appreciate or notice your positive changes, when they really do, or at least are taking notice of them, and these changes will likely give them pause, at least at some point, if not right now. I also want to add that when she says your compliments make her feel uncomfortable, that there is likely a good chance that they make her feel confused and make her question her thoughts about leaving you. If this is the case, then I think your compliments are a very good thing, in moderation. Can you think of another reason why she might feel uncomfortable with your compliments? The only thing I can think of is that maybe they make her feel guilty about what she is doing or thinking of doing, which also would be a good thing.
And how about we put this in your thread, rather than in giftd's?
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
<quote>Feeling more determined today. Not sure how long I can actually force myself to keep no contact, but I'll make it past today. Biggest concern is that I am giving her the ability to "get over" me. I don't really want to make things easier on her. It felt like we were making some progress before, then she was "feeling crushed" again. I think my biggest problem is that with NC I can't see results. I don't like the not knowing.</quote> I had these same concerns when I was doing no contact. I just felt this strong pestering feeling that no contact wasn't right for me. My situation seemed better when I was talking to my wife. Eventually, I started sending her messages/letters about once a day for about a month. And then one day she wanted to see me, and I sensed a real chance with her that day. So during the following days, I pursued her pretty hard. Got her to go on a date with me. And that whole weekend turned out great. My point is that sometimes no contact doesn't seem to be the thing people should do.
Going out with two new friends? Sounds like you are very good at making friends.
I'm glad that you have the opportunity to show your wife positive changes when you move and get a job. I hope you get the job.
<Quote>Things that bugs me is this was the timeline all along. I'm literally just continuing with "our" life plan. I don't know what she wants anymore, but this is what I still want.</quote> She seems to be looking for something that she feels is missing in her life. She might not even know what it is. Has she ever expressed to you the desire to have a child?
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
