Trying to stay above water

[Henwen]

I get the working on myself. I'm doing that. Enjoying the fact I can sleep in without feeling guilty I can choose to stay out with friends and not be accountable to anyone. So I get that. And I am learning and realizing with DR that I can't control my S. At all. If he chooses the single life then I accept it. I have come to look at my life in the future as single. It makes me sad. But I understand that I cannot control him. My question is. How will letting go of the marriage help to make the marriage a success? Maybe once I read the whole book thru I will have a better understanding of it all.

[LiM]

Good question,

Until you let go of the M, you won't truly be free to work on you. So long as you are pining for the M, you aren't doing as much work on yourself as you could be doing. First and foremost, you've got to take care of Henwen.

In your first post, you wrote how your pursuing and inability to let go of the M is only pushing him further away. He's telling you that he is done and wants nothing to do with the M. ANYTHING you do that gets in his way of what he thinks he wants right now will only aggravate him and push him further away. So stop doing that. Give him what he thinks he wants. By letting him go, you dramatically take the pressure off the situation and a cool down period can begin. If you spend this time working on you, your H will see that not only are you just fine without him, in fact, you have become a BETTER person. THAT is very attractive!

Look, my W was having an A. After we began reconciling, she told me that she was irritated that I didn't pursue her. But in the same breath, then told me that if I had, it would have only served to push her further away. It would have been smothering to her because she was checked out of the M. I had to give her space and let her dig herself deeper and deeper into the hole she was making for her life. Is was only in that misery that she was able to begin seeing the changes I had made for myself to be a better person and how horrible the choices were that she was making for her life.

Drop the rope. Let him go and work on YOU!

[Henwen]

Yes the word smothering. He has used that once. Just after he left. He said he felt smothered. I guess bottom line is if I feel if I let go then he will never come back. But in the end. I don't really want him back unless he WANTS to come back and wants to do the work involved to make this M work. So I see your point. I guess I'm scared. What if he likes it out there on his own? But like DR says, I can't change his course. And I can see in myself how unhealthy it is to be stuck where I am at. And he has said he still sees me as an argumentative person. So detaching will help. I did go to work today and I did not ask how his long weekend went. Or tell him what I did. That was new behaviour for me. I normally ask and then fill him in on what I did. Today I just kept quiet.

I really appreciate all this help. These are new waters I am. Not ones I like. But ones I am learning to navigate. So thank you!

[leahsue]

Hi Henwen,
I don't have anything new to add. You've gotten some good advice on here already. I just wanted to stop by and encourage you to really lay low with him and read Sandi's rules every morning before you see him at work. Don't let your heart dictate your actions right now. It will go against the DB mindset, and I truly believe if anything is going to help us at this point, it is to follow it, of course revised where it needs to be to fit our individual circumstances. I've been where you are, and I know the fear and pain that comes with this season of our lives. Keep posting, vent on here, cry on here, but let him see the cool, confident, secure woman that you are. It may feel like you're playing a game, but it's so much bigger than a game. It's who you want to be, whether the marriage gets saved or not. Save yourself first. That's all we can do right now. I'm pulling for you!

[Henwen]

Thank you! I'm so glad I came across this board. There is just so much support and help.

[Henwen]

So good day today! I kept things even and any contact I did have with H I kept it light and good. He started to get grumpy due to being overwhelmed at work and normally I would get all into his face and tell him to stop being so miserable
Today I just detached and kept on my own path. And you know what? It felt good. I did not bring up the relationship. I did not being up the splitting of assets. That was my newest thing. Bring up all the dirty deeds of divorce. Child support, assets etc in the hopes of waking him up and him magically coming to me and saying what a fool he was. And how he wanted back. Nope. I was so proud of myself. Then my DD let it out that when she and her brother were with H this weekend he went to a sports bar with friends. My first reaction was anger. He was out living his life and probably picking up chicks ( I know this isn't the case for sure. He was out with mutual friends and he wouldn't make himself look like an idiot like that). But my knee jerk reaction is to assume the worst and then start berating via text and arguiing. After my DD told me this I took a deep breath and started folding laundry. Anything to keep me away from my phone so I wouldn't start texting. And it worked. I knew that he was probably watching the Jays game and not woman searching. And I reminded myself even if he was its none of my business. I need to let him walk his own path. It was such a realization tonight for me to not immediately act. So instead of leaving him with a sour taste in his mouth from me by arguiing. He is now left with happy thoughts because I was amicable and detached today.

[Henwen]

Still here and still DB Although it is SO hard. It goes against everything I want to do lol. I get the concept behind it. And I am starting with a beginners mind. He started talking about the past last night. Its hard. Because when I answer his questions, anything I may say he will take it against him and then say this conversation isn't going anywhere as usual. Then he says lets just say its all my fault and I'm being ridiculous. And he ends the conversation. So what do I do in this situation? I have told him over and over that I do not think this is all his fault. It took both of us to destroy this relationship. How do I deal with this? He is obviously still in his fog. Do I just ignore it? And carry on.

[resolut]

Still here and still DB Although it is SO hard. It goes against everything I want to do lol. I get the concept behind it. And I am starting with a beginners mind. He started talking about the past last night. Its hard. Because when I answer his questions, anything I may say he will take it against him and then say this conversation isn't going anywhere as usual. Then he says lets just say its all my fault and I'm being ridiculous. And he ends the conversation. So what do I do in this situation? I have told him over and over that I do not think this is all his fault. It took both of us to destroy this relationship. How do I deal with this? He is obviously still in his fog. Do I just ignore it? And carry on.

Hi Henwen, I'm sorry you are here but it sounds like you are doing many things right. Keep your focus on your own healing and not on what you H is doing.

Also, you are not to blame or responsible for his actions. Don't accept them. In my case I often have remind my wife that she chose to leave the M with her behavior and I am still in the marriage. I tell her that her actions are not ok but I believe in her and believe she knows what is right and can make correct d cisions if she chooses to do so.

Stay focused on you and discover your own possibilities from here on out. Be the person only a fool would pass up.

[Tread]

Henwen,

Just focus on you. I agree that you seem to be doing right things. H is trying to make himself come off like some kind of sacrifice. My W tried to do the same and I refused to go along with it. You continue to let him know that its not all on him. Don't let him put anything on you. He controls his own actions and feelings, not yours.

[Henwen]

Thanks. It's an inner battle every day. But today I won the battle. And I am detaching. I don't wonder what he is doing in the evening anymore. I don't wonder who he is texting when I hear his phone go off at work. Every day I realize these little things it brings me closer to being happy. I'm not basing my life on his movements.