You keep going, you keep working on yourself, you don't need to worry about all the legal or material stuff right now. Give it a year, or two, to worry about that stuff, by then you won't be spinning and if it comes to that, it I'll be more like a business transaction. For now keep working on yourself, give him space to find himself, he needs to want to come back, and you need to want him back not need him back.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Thank you. You are right. I went out and spent time on my pool and talked with a friend and I feel a bit better. I just let the insecurities get the best of me.
So a week later after my last post something clicked in me and I detached. I didn't have to think about it. I didn't even have to try. It just happened. I finally realized that I am going to be ok without him. I am so hurt my family may not get back together. I love him truly. But I don't want him here if he doesn't want to be here. So I told him that when he gets back from his weekend away with the kids we need to sit down and has things out. Child access, parenting plans etc. he never answered me. I didn't argue. Because it doesn't matter anymore. I went about my evening. But you know what happened? He text me this evening. He said have a good night. He hasn't done that in six months or more. If I would say have a good night he would say ok or thanks. Never say it back. Today he said it to me with no prompts whatsoever. I'm not putting much stock in it. But it was a surprise to hear.
So I told him that when he gets back from his weekend away with the kids we need to sit down and has things out. Child access, parenting plans etc. he never answered me. I didn't argue. Because it doesn't matter anymore. I went about my evening. But you know what happened? He text me this evening. He said have a good night. He hasn't done that in six months or more.
Yeah that's the pursuit/ distance dynamic at work. When you pursue it pushes them away, so the natural instinct is to pursue harder but that pushes them away even worse. So when you pull back and stop pursuing, inevitably they will start temp checking you to make sure you're still on the hook as Plan B. Your goal is to stick with the distancing. Keep him guessing, make him wonder. Get out and GAL, it's the healthiest thing for you, and the best way to make him wonder.
So an update. Which is not much. We had a big blowup. My insecurities get the best of me and I seriously did a huge backslide last week. He said he is never coming home. So of course I got upset and told him to get his stuff out of my House by the end of September. He got upset. I got upset. It was just a mess. I told him what I wanted out of the cottage. He was supposed to bring it home to me this weekend. But he didn't bring anything home to me. I don't know why I let my insecurities get the best of me. I don't know why I get angry at him for leaving. Well I know why. But it doesn't help anything. So I spent the weekend completely gutting my backyard. I weeded everything and threw out a ton of stuff. It felt good. And therapeutic. A new week. And a new week of detaching further.
So I found out he is going to a mutual friends daughters wedding. I wasn't invited and he was. I'm upset about that. Because I am hurt these friends didn't invite me as well. And it's going to be hard to know he is at the wedding dancing with people. I have made plans to keep myself busy that night. So I won't be home going squirrely. But it is going to be hard. The hardest part is knowing that his life hasn't changed a bit. He still goes out to the cottage every weekend. He got the cottage and I got the house. Even tho nothing is legally written down. He gets angry when I even suggest we sit down to discuss finances or I want to put the bills in my own name. Here's the thing I struggle with and maybe someone can help me. If he keeps saying things are over and he is never coming home and he is adamaent about that. How come he won't come get his stuff out of my house? Or separate the bills? Or go to a lawyer to sort out custody of our kids? We still have credit cards in both our names. I still have access to all our bank accounts. I have told him if he wants this legal separation/divorce then I'm ready. Let's get it on. Because I am. But if wants to try or he's undecided then let me know that as well. He won't do anything. My IC says if he is truly wanting to separate his stuff would be moved out of his house and separation agreements would already be drawn. But, and I'm mind reading again, maybe he doesn't want to take his stuff because his house is small. And this way his crap won't be cluttering up his house. It just clutters up mine. But really. If he wants this over why the stalling?? It is causing both of us to be stuck and not move on. I want things to work with him. So I can wait. But I also don't want to waste my time if he is truly serious about not wanting to come back. So I'm looking for advice. Thanks.
Henwen, mine has separated some things but won't get on with the big show. They fear the new relationship won't work out and are afraid to let go of the long term supply (that would be you). Is yours passive aggressive or does he have narcissistic traits? I think it could be related to that too.
There is no one else in the picture for either of us. And it appears he has become passive aggressive since his BD. He is normally a decisive person. Knows what he wants and goes for it. But with our relationship, it is the first time I have seen him fence sit. His words say he's leaving. But his actions don't seem to be going that way. Unless he surprises me and does actually follow thru and gets a lawyer. I am in the middle of redoing the house. His tv room has this paneling I have always hated. I just recently asked him about the condition of the drywall underneath so I can redo it. He got all angry and then said whatever it's your house do what you want. Did I make a mistake? Is that pushing him out? This is my GAL activity. I'm fixing up my house. Cleaning and organizing. One of his issues with me is that our house was always so disorganized. So I'm working hard and have hired help to help me sort things thru. But me redoing stuff my way, should I leave his old room?
So to answer your question. With just this R he is passive aggressive. Refuses to answer questions about finances. Refuses to talk about parenting plans.
Very true about the upside. And interesting that you think the actions are consistent with a third party in the picture. If there is I want nothing to do with him anymore. But I wouldn't even know how to go about securing that kind of knowledge. I still get all the phone bills and his credit cards and bank statements to my house. Nothing is out of order. I work with him and right now our kids spend every weekend with him. And there is no one else. He is always where he says he is. So I'm not sure what else to look for when I am looking for evidence of a third party. And I know that isn't healthy. But truly I would rather know then now know. Because then it would over me and allow me to just move on.
