TXHubby, I'm curious as to what you two reuniting looks like. Are you two going to live separate and date for awhile, or are you getting back together in the Family house (if it wasn't sold), sleeping in same bed, etc.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
It doesn't work. You have to plan AND execute your new life without her and make it a great one. Let her see it but not be a part of it. Show her that you're first prize and not a consolation prize. Be her plan A...or if not her, then someone else's in the future. Never be anyone's plan B. That's too soul crushing. You'll hate yourself for it. I've followed your story and I think your situation is savable. You have to be willing to let her go to bring her back. So let her go and start living your great new life right now.
I wont threadjack too much but I will offer this as it reinforces what you were posting and so may help others: I finally started some real detachment the past nearly two weeks, now, after I finally discovered the depth of her deception. Pretty much completely stopped responding/interacting two weekends back, and made it a point to be where she was not, and it was like she wouldn't leave me alone, then, following me around house, texting constantly, etc. Then, this past weekend went out twice-- first time, she asked if she could come and I said, noncomittally, "sure". The next day I just went. Then, sunday, she asks me "were you going to to ask me to come if I didn't invite myself Friday" to which I responded simply "No", and then she also asked "Why didn't you call me to join you on Saturday" to which I responded, basically "I didn't want to." Both of those really seemed to shake her, although she recovered enough to tell me later in the convo "I know we're through because it doesn't bother me to think of you out with other people or even sleeping with someone else." Yeah, right. Which is why she asked me. Anyway, the detachment DOES get their attention. Whether or not it turns things around is an entirely different matter. They can, as you have said, just legitimately be completely done with the MR (which, admittedly, mine may be-- there was a LOOONG period of neglect, there). But, even in that case, it makes sense to have detached because it makes YOUR life better. The past few weeks I have even noticed that feeling of "well being" starting to creep in when I am out without her and having a good time-- Kind of an "everything will be okay, i AM a fun, desirable man who people (particularly women) will want to be around and have a relationship with, and God will make sure I pull through this and have a great life one way or another" kind of feeling. It is not overwhelming, but I am getting there. I think there is alot to what cadet says about the detachment necessarily being like an onion. Takes several stages before you get down to "hard core" detachment.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
I wont threadjack too much but I will offer this as it reinforces what you were posting and so may help others: I finally started some real detachment the past nearly two weeks, now, after I finally discovered the depth of her deception. Pretty much completely stopped responding/interacting two weekends back, and made it a point to be where she was not, and it was like she wouldn't leave me alone, then, following me around house, texting constantly, etc. Then, this past weekend went out twice-- first time, she asked if she could come and I said, noncomittally, "sure". The next day I just went. Then, sunday, she asks me "were you going to to ask me to come if I didn't invite myself Friday" to which I responded simply "No", and then she also asked "Why didn't you call me to join you on Saturday" to which I responded, basically "I didn't want to." Both of those really seemed to shake her, although she recovered enough to tell me later in the convo "I know we're through because it doesn't bother me to think of you out with other people or even sleeping with someone else." Yeah, right. Which is why she asked me. Anyway, the detachment DOES get their attention. Whether or not it turns things around is an entirely different matter. They can, as you have said, just legitimately be completely done with the MR (which, admittedly, mine may be-- there was a LOOONG period of neglect, there). But, even in that case, it makes sense to have detached because it makes YOUR life better. The past few weeks I have even noticed that feeling of "well being" starting to creep in when I am out without her and having a good time-- Kind of an "everything will be okay, i AM a fun, desirable man who people (particularly women) will want to be around and have a relationship with, and God will make sure I pull through this and have a great life one way or another" kind of feeling. It is not overwhelming, but I am getting there. I think there is alot to what cadet says about the detachment necessarily being like an onion. Takes several stages before you get down to "hard core" detachment.
This post tells me you're definitely going to be ok regardless of how this turns out. You seem to be getting to a place that it took me 3 years to get to. That's great for you. Stay the course. BTW, she didn't mean the "she knows you're through..." line. That was to pull you into a fight. Your great new life is bugging that sh*t out of her. Take it up a notch and enjoy yourself. You deserve it.
Awesome post sir! Should be mandatory reading for all newcomers That is how I always try to describe DBing, save yourself and hopefully the M will follow. But even if it doesn't, you still emerge victorious! Congrats on all your great progress in reinventing yourself and here's hoping your W is done with the fog!
Originally Posted By: TxHubby
Anyway, all that worked. I'm pretty sure it'll work for a lot of you. For some it won't and you have to be honest about that.
I did a full scale reinvention of myself too. I also dove into getting back in shape, lost weight, gained muscle, carved my abs, changed my wardrobe, got back in touch with old friends, started working on my motorcycles and riding them again, picked up old hobbies that had been sitting a while. I also doubled down on my relationship with my kids. None of it saved my M but by the time I knew that it didn't matter anymore because my life focus had changed, it was no longer strictly about my M. And it sounds like that's where you are too. Life is a grand adventure, we can make it spouse-focused or we can say "I am on an adventure whether you join me or not."
TXHubby, I'm curious as to what you two reuniting looks like. Are you two going to live separate and date for awhile, or are you getting back together in the Family house (if it wasn't sold), sleeping in same bed, etc.
We were already in the marital home/bed. I was wavering on wanting to continue reconciliation and had announced I was filing for D. I'm not the man I was before all this. I'm not co-dependent on her for my happiness. I'm not a doormat. I did truly detach and built a whole new life. I wasn't sure if I wanted a cheater in that life. To her credit she has been a model former wayward spouse. She has owned it, is working to understand it, and was truly remorseful. She also has made a lot of sacrifices at her expense to make amends. That is what meant the most to me. She has suffered massive humiliation and loss of respect from a lot of people in our lives. She's the one that told them, not me. We managed to do damage control on the initial exposure that was done by her AP's BS. Nobody that really mattered to us knew. She let them know what we were going through and why. That was a huge sacrifice and showed me that me and our M was more important to her than all that. That helped me heal a lot.
Not everyone gets that. Some WS's get to keep their secret and don't sacrifice much at all.
We stayed in the same house and I've scrapped my plans to leave. I choose to stay because I want her. I don't need her, and never will again, but I do want her. I think that will be healthier in the long run.
Awesome post sir! Should be mandatory reading for all newcomers That is how I always try to describe DBing, save yourself and hopefully the M will follow. But even if it doesn't, you still emerge victorious! Congrats on all your great progress in reinventing yourself and here's hoping your W is done with the fog!
Originally Posted By: TxHubby
Anyway, all that worked. I'm pretty sure it'll work for a lot of you. For some it won't and you have to be honest about that.
I did a full scale reinvention of myself too. I also dove into getting back in shape, lost weight, gained muscle, carved my abs, changed my wardrobe, got back in touch with old friends, started working on my motorcycles and riding them again, picked up old hobbies that had been sitting a while. I also doubled down on my relationship with my kids. None of it saved my M but by the time I knew that it didn't matter anymore because my life focus had changed, it was no longer strictly about my M. And it sounds like that's where you are too. Life is a grand adventure, we can make it spouse-focused or we can say "I am on an adventure whether you join me or not."
Inspirational and I agree that posts like yours should also be required reading. Marriages break up. It happens. Some can be saved but even the best MC's and relationship guru's have a losing record at saving them. That's reality. That's why that can't be the top focus. As you said, and the program says, you have to focus on yourself. Building a better you and moving on. I love your line about saving yourself and hopefully the M will follow. Good stuff.
TXHubby, your story is so inspiring! I'm happy to hear you're in a place of strength, and that you've decided to stick with your M. You're my role model!
I recently saw in someone else's thread, where you posted your story of how you worked on yourself, GAL etc, and your W had a breakdown on the living room floor. I encourage you to repost that in this thread. It was probably the most empowering thing I've read here.
If you wouldn't mind, I'd love for you to check out my thread and give me your $.02 on my sitch.
Don't stop being awesome!
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Thank you for updating your sitch and pos developments. I am really happy for you, and not because you decided to stay and work on the M, but because you seem confident/resolved in your choices. I think we both know that this piecing process is not linear and can be more of a 3 steps fwd and then 2 steps back.
I think a lot of posters/DBers (and ourselves included in the early stages) put most of their focus on getting the S back. We are DBing are tails off and to some extent waiting to see if they come back, all the while trying to convince ourselves it is for us. Somewhere along the way, we realize it really IS for us and not to win them back. This is the point where we increase our odds that they do come back, as the real detachment has begun. As you have all said, not all do, and for many they will never come back.
Your sitch is of particular relevance to me because you went through a period recently where you said you were done piecing and filing for D. You said more than once that even tho your W had been remorseful and committed to the M (done everything you needed), she was still tainted and would always be. This def had an affect on me because at times I feel the same way, and even to the point that I felt defensive with you because I am trying to fight that feeling! I have said more than once that if I leave my M and a become the WAW, I don't want it to be because of the A alone(one difficult time period) but that I want it to be because the M cannot work. I am still struggling to put head over heart. I haven't updated, but I have asked H for separation.
So I am wondering if you can dig a bit deeper for us. What was the mental/emotional shift that happened? What was your thinking and you feeling that helped you to make this decision? I mean what really changed here? Can you share those details.
Thank you, Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Really happy to read this, Tx. I felt sad for you with your earlier announcement. My instinct was that you were angry and letting it color your view. I became more certain when I saw you reject any suggestion that you were angry.
Whereas I think anger is going to come and go over the years. It will lessen over time and the stretches will be further, but I'm not sure it will ever go away totally.
Good on you. I don't think you're settling. I think you're growing.
Anyway, the detachment DOES get their attention. Whether or not it turns things around is an entirely different matter. They can, as you have said, just legitimately be completely done with the MR (which, admittedly, mine may be-- there was a LOOONG period of neglect, there). But, even in that case, it makes sense to have detached because it makes YOUR life better. The past few weeks I have even noticed that feeling of "well being" starting to creep in when I am out without her and having a good time-- Kind of an "everything will be okay, i AM a fun, desirable man who people (particularly women) will want to be around and have a relationship with, and God will make sure I pull through this and have a great life one way or another" kind of feeling. It is not overwhelming, but I am getting there. I think there is alot to what cadet says about the detachment necessarily being like an onion. Takes several stages before you get down to "hard core" detachment.