TXHubby, your story is so inspiring! I'm happy to hear you're in a place of strength, and that you've decided to stick with your M. You're my role model!
I recently saw in someone else's thread, where you posted your story of how you worked on yourself, GAL etc, and your W had a breakdown on the living room floor. I encourage you to repost that in this thread. It was probably the most empowering thing I've read here.
If you wouldn't mind, I'd love for you to check out my thread and give me your $.02 on my sitch.
Don't stop being awesome!
Just read up on it and gave my $.02 worth on that thread. I think your situation is salvageable. That's not a guarantee but I think it is. When you pulled back she started reaching out. That is a key indicator that this is salvageable. Don't get too excited about that or jump back to R talk just because you get a positive sign. You're too busy with an awesome new life without her to do that. Good luck.
So I am wondering if you can dig a bit deeper for us. What was the mental/emotional shift that happened? What was your thinking and you feeling that helped you to make this decision? I mean what really changed here? Can you share those details.
Thank you, Blu
I weighed my two options and my vision of the future with both. I like being married. I like having someone to share my life with and to share theirs with me. All the joy, sorrow, successes, failures, etc. All of it. That's just me. I learned through this process that I don't have to have that. I learned as I went that I can cope with my failures and celebrate my successes all myself. I want someone to share my life with but I don't need someone to share my life with.
Understanding and accepting this has given me strength enough that I considered walking away from the long term M instead of just being thrilled that my WW figured herself out and wanted to stay with me. Although I contributed to her wanting to stay with me because I completely reinvented my life without her and it was a pretty good life, the decision was still hers...at the time.
Anyway, I weighed my future with her and my future without her. I know she's imperfect. I know she hurt me horrifically. I know she's capable of lying, cheating, and betraying me. Those are knowns about her.
I also know she herself was going through unchartered waters of aging and questioning your life. Hey, I did it too, I just didn't blow up our lives. I bought a Harley instead. Different people react differently. She made horrible choices and blew up our lives. I don't condone what she did but I do empathize with the mindset that got her there.
I won't go into all the gory details of the cheating the "love you not in love with you" the "I don't know what I want" crap. That's all MLC water under the bridge.
I changed my mind about D because although she has these negative known's, she also has so many positive known's. She's kind, funny, brilliant, clever, hard working, loving, caring, compassionate, loyal (funny as it is I believe that). She was a great mother and wife for 26 straight years.
What she did will leave a scar on my heart permanently. She knows that. What she wants to do is stand by my side and caress that scar and make it feel better any time it's starting to hurt again.
I changed my mind not because of me but because of her. I weighed it out and she has owned her actions, is very remorseful, has worked toward repairing our relationship even with great personal sacrifice to herself.
She has done everything for redemption that I could have listed and a few things I wouldn't have thought to list. That's the main reason I'm staying and even going to be 100% vulnerable with her again. That's tough because that scar is still there and always will be but I'm going to do it anyway. I don't feel like we can have an authentic rebuilt marriage unless we're both all-in and 100% vulnerable.
She has her own leap of faith to take because I filed once on her and she knows I'll do it again. She knows I'm different now. I'm not the "I'll stick with you no matter what" guy anymore and that's a good thing. If I can impress anything onto readers here it's don't be that person. Don't be a guarantee for anyone or you invite them to treat you like crap. You're a prize to be won over and over. We all are. Act like it and demand nothing less.
Anyway, rambling on, in your sitch is hubby remorseful? Really remorseful? What has he or is he willing to sacrifice of himself for you and your M?
Thank you for the reply. I get it. There have been times recently that I could have said so much of the same. I keep telling myself "head over heart." "Make good and logical choices. Don't lead by emotions. Look at your life and M on the grander scale." What you say makes complete sense to me.
It is interesting that you say "I don't feel like we can have an authentic rebuilt marriage unless we're both all-in and 100% vulnerable." I have thought the exact same way all along. I just can't get there with him. I wonder if my feeling that way is what holds me back tho, or maybe I am just not there yet?
I don't want to hijack your thread, so I will update mine. Basically my H has done/said all that one could hope for to enter piecing and he has been pretty consistent. Something has just been lost on me...
Thank you again. ... I am happy for you :-)
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
It is interesting that you say "I don't feel like we can have an authentic rebuilt marriage unless we're both all-in and 100% vulnerable." I have thought the exact same way all along. I just can't get there with him. I wonder if my feeling that way is what holds me back tho, or maybe I am just not there yet?
Don't beat yourself up over this feeling. I know exactly how that feels. I had even told my wife that I'd never fully trust her again and could never be 100% vulnerable with her again. I came to figure out over time that my M was doomed to failure if I stuck to these guns. I have to take a leap of faith, hand her a dagger and expose my heart to her. That's the only way this works. My safety net is knowing that if she takes the dagger and plunges it into my heart sometime in the future that I've already been there, done that, and know two things for sure. 1. I'll survive and 2. I'll move on and be just fine without her.
If you truly believe those two things about your sitch then you'll find the strength to go all-in and be vulnerable again. If you're not ready then you're not ready. Explain that to hubby and ask for patience. After all you've been through, that's not much to ask for.
What she did will leave a scar on my heart permanently. She knows that. What she wants to do is stand by my side and caress that scar and make it feel better any time it's starting to hurt again.
Dang it, you made me cry again you you dirty _____________.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Like I mentioned to you another thread. You have inspired to get back to myself. If you could take a look at my sitch and let me know what you think, I would very much appreciate it.
Don't beat yourself up over this feeling. I know exactly how that feels. I had even told my wife that I'd never fully trust her again and could never be 100% vulnerable with her again. I came to figure out over time that my M was doomed to failure if I stuck to these guns. I have to take a leap of faith, hand her a dagger and expose my heart to her. That's the only way this works. My safety net is knowing that if she takes the dagger and plunges it into my heart sometime in the future that I've already been there, done that, and know two things for sure. 1. I'll survive and 2. I'll move on and be just fine without her.
If you truly believe those two things about your sitch then you'll find the strength to go all-in and be vulnerable again. If you're not ready then you're not ready. Explain that to hubby and ask for patience. After all you've been through, that's not much to ask for.
Wow. Thank you. I understand your point completely. I have thought so much about this. I have even handed him the dagger, only to turn around and snatch it back! 3 steps forward, 2 steps back. This month has been 4 steps back. Ugh. It's so, so hard....
Thank you for giving me some MUCH needed hope today with your posts :-)
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
With my sitch, getting a life was a huge catalyst in making things better. I switched from being a nervous couch potato who was afraid of everything due to my mental health issues to someone that radically changed for the better. I flew for the first time ever. Took my wife to a tropical location. Changed my hair style, shaved my chest (ok, I get mocked for this), lost weight, hit the gym 4x a week. My wife is in the fitness field and now has a guy that she always wanted. We work out regularly now and push each other.
That being said, its not all unicorns and rainbows. I'm STILL pissed she chose infidelity over divorce. But I cannot continue to live in the past, for I will be doomed to repeat it. I need to continue on the constant and never ending improvement on my end. Continue with IC. Keep boundaries enforced. And most of all, communicate like crazy. No more passive agressive-ness from each other.
I couldn't have done it (reconciliation) had she not been remorseful. However, I definitely did change once I found out about her indescritions. I didn't sit and say "oh woe is me" and cry a river about it. I got off my arse and did something. She was SHOCKED at the fury I showed, thinking I would simply blow this off. She wasn't prepared for me telling her to leave the house. She wasn't prepared for the onslaught of hatred from the kids.
My biggest mistake to this day was listening to my old IC and MC who advised me to BEG her back. Once I showed some sorrow and tried to woo her back with flowers, she started holding the upper hand on me. Blaming me for cheating. The MC agreed. It was a year of torture. Once I saw my new IC, all that stopped and I got my testicles back. W still worked with OM, but my new IC helped me regain my strength and it was about a month later she resigned.
I feel good about us now. And I know that I can live with or without her. She's welcome to join me on the new life I've created. If not, I'm ok. It'll take a bit, but if I can survive this, I can survive anything.
Me: 52 Her: 48 2D 26 & 16 M: 25 years (together 30) EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016 Admitted SOME physical but no IC. We know that's a lie. Status - tryin to R
