I couldn't have done it (reconciliation) had she not been remorseful. However, I definitely did change once I found out about her indescritions. I didn't sit and say "oh woe is me" and cry a river about it. I got off my arse and did something. She was SHOCKED at the fury I showed, thinking I would simply blow this off. She wasn't prepared for me telling her to leave the house. She wasn't prepared for the onslaught of hatred from the kids.
TxHubby Congrats on your situation, gave me a little hope that I could survive this. Not saving my marraige but saving myself! I quoted the above from StormChaser, my WW and I had to talk the other night about logistical stuff regarding the divorce filing ie.... custody, house etc.... As we discussed talking to the kids I asked her is she prepared to answer a question. She said to me "what question" if one of our kids asks us if we cheated how will she answer? She had a full meltdown and finally said she would need a couple days to think about it. We've had family's around us get divorced because of infidelity so my kids are under the impression that this is why marriages fail. So, "I told her that you better prepare for that question because I will not help you on this, you're on your own. Good luck with that" She didn't like that but oh well, I'm not the one who cheated!
As someone who is currently in Limbo and trying to figure out what to do, your post has been very helpful and inspiring.
Cheers
Passive limbo where you're waiting on pins and needles to see if your spouse will snap out of it and wise up will kill you. It's too emotionally painful. I know. It was killing me literally.
While you're in limbo disregard your spouse. Fill that time with plans and activities for your future with or without your spouse. Make nothing you plan dependent on the outcome of your marriage. Make all your plans solely dependent on you and about you. Fill your life with these positive activities and all the sudden limbo is no big deal to you.
With my sitch, getting a life was a huge catalyst in making things better. I switched from being a nervous couch potato who was afraid of everything due to my mental health issues to someone that radically changed for the better. I flew for the first time ever. Took my wife to a tropical location. Changed my hair style, shaved my chest (ok, I get mocked for this), lost weight, hit the gym 4x a week. My wife is in the fitness field and now has a guy that she always wanted. We work out regularly now and push each other.
That being said, its not all unicorns and rainbows. I'm STILL pissed she chose infidelity over divorce. But I cannot continue to live in the past, for I will be doomed to repeat it. I need to continue on the constant and never ending improvement on my end. Continue with IC. Keep boundaries enforced. And most of all, communicate like crazy. No more passive agressive-ness from each other.
I couldn't have done it (reconciliation) had she not been remorseful. However, I definitely did change once I found out about her indescritions. I didn't sit and say "oh woe is me" and cry a river about it. I got off my arse and did something. She was SHOCKED at the fury I showed, thinking I would simply blow this off. She wasn't prepared for me telling her to leave the house. She wasn't prepared for the onslaught of hatred from the kids.
My biggest mistake to this day was listening to my old IC and MC who advised me to BEG her back. Once I showed some sorrow and tried to woo her back with flowers, she started holding the upper hand on me. Blaming me for cheating. The MC agreed. It was a year of torture. Once I saw my new IC, all that stopped and I got my testicles back. W still worked with OM, but my new IC helped me regain my strength and it was about a month later she resigned.
I feel good about us now. And I know that I can live with or without her. She's welcome to join me on the new life I've created. If not, I'm ok. It'll take a bit, but if I can survive this, I can survive anything.
Great story! I hope some people stuck where you and I used to be read these stories.
Thank you. You both have really forced me to look at my sitch from a diff angle. Both of you really were able to look inside yourself, reflect, and start taking actions towards being a better you. It has been a reminder for me that I need to do more of that. If you have read my sitch, you know that I always svcked at DB and following the rules. I was so devastated and broken, and I spent more mental energy blaming H than looking at my part and changing myself!
He came back nonetheless, but in some ways I wasn't ready. I wasn't mentally strong. So we have been piecing for over 2 years and it has been especially hard. I can't say "I love the new and improved me," and I can't say that I tried hard enough. I know I need to try harder. But I do know that it's not too late. Perhaps the success in my M will be more in me starting that process now? Perhaps I can forgive and accept H if I feel better about me?
Just my thought this morning inspired by both of you fellas. Thank you again :-)
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
With my sitch, getting a life was a huge catalyst in making things better.....
Awesome post Storm, it dovetails into the thread quite nicely! I shave my chest too so you're not alone, LOL! When my chest hair started turning grey I was like "OK that's it, say goodbye" Plus if we invest all that time in the gym why not show it off as fully as possible I don't walk around the gym naked but man it gets hot in there in the summer (Crossfit box with no A/C) and sometimes I do take my shirt off in the middle of a workout because I feel like I can't breathe. Nothing like having guys 20 years younger come up and say "man I hope I look like you when I'm your age, or now for that matter" I don't need the ego boost, but I enjoy it!
A heartfelt thank you for sharing your story. It was both inspirational and educational as i start to write the next chapter of my life. I wish you the best going forward and will continue to follow.
Txhub, your story is very inspirational for sure, I would love for you to take some time and read my thread and offer some advice. I know I've made some dbing mistakes along the way and most of the way but being not even 7 weeks into I felt like I can regroup in time to possibly turn things around especially for myself if not the R.
Like others Txhub I would like to thank you for your inspirational account. As someone who has recently come out of a 6 month limbo (through finally mentally preparing myself to confront and threaten her with D and have now started counselling) I can now visualise the various paths ahead but of course hope it is with a preserved marriage. It will never be the same again (not least the trust issues) but it MIGHT just be workable.
all the best
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
Trying to pick your brain a bit if you don't mind. Hopefully this doesn't come across as immature which it is to an extent. Your story is awesome by the way.
I see that you were very blunt/aggressive with GAL in the ladder part of your journey. I'm getting that way myself and my schedule is getting too full. Went from staring at the wall for months to being constantly doing something. Its starting to do wonders for my personal confidence. My weakness has always been with women. I like the attention but as soon as I met my wife 7 years ago a switch went off. Only once can I remember caring about another woman's attention except my wife. I do remember drinking one night and flirting with another woman on a guys trip but I caught myself and walked away. That's about it in my seven year R with W. Fast forward to today, been 10-12 months since I was intimate with W. Barely got a kiss from her in this period. She had an affair and moved in with another man in October. Faith based reasons aside, I waited patiently for something to resolve. No big breakthroughs. So now that I lost 25 lbs and in shape, working my referral pipeline (CPA so I'm somewhat slow), diving back into jiu jitsu, my life is taking a turn for the best. Getting attention from women is a byproduct. So with all that, my questions/concerns are threefold:
1) When you started getting attention from other women, what made you stay available for your wife?
2) How close were you to ending everything? Your life seemed awesome so Im guessing you were very close.
3) What's a good indication that its time to move on?
I'm not quite ready to throw in the towel but seeing your W once a month for a couple hrs stinks. Having a woman who was great at everything to having a women that lies about the sky is blue also stinks. I haven't moved on totally but just the thought of this has went from being depressed to anger/laughable. Jerry Springer analogy is great, I been using that one for awhile!
M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year T 7 Years
I had even told my wife that I'd never fully trust her again and could never be 100% vulnerable with her again. I came to figure out over time that my M was doomed to failure if I stuck to these guns.
Tx,
I just want to say that your advice to me was pivotal in helping me make it through my W's A. With your help (and many others) I did. I was serious about detaching, 180's and GAL. What the people on this forum need to understand is that you MUST truly do these things for YOU. If you don't, your WS will see right through it. If you DO, you will come out the other side a much better person, with our without your S. But what is most important is that your chances of saving your M are almost nil if you don't honestly do these things. You have to fully let go of your S if you want any chance of getting them back. You have to honestly be ready to move on without them. Once you drop the rope, everything changes.
In reading your comment above, I see that I am guilty of setting my W up for failure. I've kept myself from being vulnerable with her. I've tried but as soon as there is a set back, I withdraw. The recovery for the WS is just as difficult for it is for the LBS. The LBS cannot expect the WS to do all the work. If you want the M to be saved, you've got to dig in and get your hands dirty. As you told me, you've got to be ready to eat some $h!t sandwiches. Looking back at the last few months, I can see that I haven't done as much as I could be doing. WE have to be the one that stands up for the M. WE have to be the one that shows to way. WE have to be the pillar.
When I first read that you were looking to leave your M, I sensed an incredible amount of anger and hurt. You have every right to be angry and hurt. I don't know if our WS's can ever understand what its like to go through this. I'm glad for you, your W and family that you've found a way to keep moving forward.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Plus if we invest all that time in the gym why not show it off as fully as possible 
I don't walk around the gym naked but man it gets hot in there in the summer (Crossfit box with no A/C) and sometimes I do take my shirt off in the middle of a workout because I feel like I can't breathe. Nothing like having guys 20 years younger come up and say "man I hope I look like you when I'm your age, or now for that matter"