Lim, I agree with you. There are two things that need to happen: 1. the turning focus inwards and growing as a person--180, GAL, introspection, and then those choices/efforts lead to detachment. 2. Is dropping the rope and letting go of the expectation that the consequences of your actions will bring them back. This leads to a deeper level of detachment.
I think if these things are done harmoniously, we not only improve our personal outcomes and growth, but we simultaneously increase the chance they will want to come back. I think while we must do these things in order for them to come back and in order for piecing to be productive, there is also a third element of which we have zero influence. Some would come back despite this work not being, while others won't regardless. That unknown is somewhat overlooked, but hard to identify because it may have more to do with who they are and their process. We often talk about our S's as if they are all aliens, MLC, and in a fog, however I am not sure that is always the case. Some may just be choosing to leave the M and are resolved in that choice.
I think my H would have come back even had I not DB. I didn't actually DB well at all. I keep this in mind when I give advice. I am still learning, slowly but surely. I think that has made some of my struggles in piecing harder--I have focused more on H's mistakes and betrayals, and less on my own process. So now I am trying to balance both, but not for him, more for me. That is what changes when they do come back--a different and more natural detachment (protective) process.
Tx, how are things going with you and W?
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
The secret to success.....get jacked and be a MAN! I love it. TX I love your story....I showed up at my W's place for kid exchange after work with a tight shirt on and I know she took notice asked how I was doing and how my visit was with my parents. The funny thing is that I have always worked out and have had great tone but during that time she never commented once. Over the past year I slacked off some, gained some weight and before I left she told me I was fat. I was 6'2 and about 250. I told her in all the years I worked out she never commented once and now I find out she cares. SMH. It is now my personal mission to make an even better version of myself. When you walk out of the gym with the blood in your muscles you feel on top of the world and there is nothing that cheating spouse can do about it! AMEN TX!!!
Going to the gym and working out is just frikkin' amazing. Simply the best physical GAL that I can think of. I always wanted to learn boxing and after I am a bit stronger and jacked again, I am going to treat myself to some boxing lessons.
Inspiring stuff TxHubby. Just what I needed to read right now. Thanks for sharing and grats on the fresh start!
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Really awesome post, inspiring and thought provoking. I am 11 months into this thing and you are right waiting in limbo will kill you.
Reading your post, it's clear I've made progress on myself but haven't gotten to where I need to go. 180s in selfish behaviors. Check. Lose weight and improve appearance. Check (even bugs w when other women notice). Take career up a notch. Check.
The part where I am faking it is in knowing that I don't need w but want her. In my heart I still feel that I need her. Well, it took you three years, so maybe there is hope for me.
The other part where I need to further improve is GAL. I definitely am more independent and indulging in my own interests, but I could definitely take it up a level or two.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
You clearly was a patient man to endure all of that for 3 years. Guess my question would be what is the reason you didn't get to that point sooner? Right now, I feel I definitely don't need W. But actually wanting her is rare. At this point I want her gone more days than wanting her to stay.
Also what was your W doing for 3 years? Sounds like she was just sitting around unwilling to make a real choice?
I think the confusion of the limbo combined with the pain of the MLC rollercoaster can literally kill you. It is just brutal. I think you do detach in layers. Initially as a survival strategy, and then you move towards letting go of hoping for a given outcome that seems impossible, and then you move to dropping the rope because you're not sure you even want them back.
My detachment has undoubtedly saved my sanity. It has also predictably, either by coincidence or subconsciously, brought me STBXH out of months of silence. In my sitch, I don't think he feels remorse or wants to reconcile, OW is still in the picture and I think he believes she is his 'true love' and we were - I don't know - another him, 20 years of fake practice? No idea.
I actually don't know how I would react if he did want to reconcile, but as I see no sign of it, I'm not spending any time thinking about that. I think the best I can get from here is to mourn my dead M and the man I thought truly loved me, and get a decent settlement to keep me afloat while I build a new life as if he never existed really. Which is sad because we had years of love and joy and friendship and I miss him. But I don't think he is the same person now.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
