Four weeks ago my wife of 19 years hits me with this "I'm not happy and want to separate...". Four years ago I caught her in an EA. I was devastated and pitiful. My discovery was a traumatic episode and I let everyone know, wife, couples counselor, individual counselor. I caught her two more times during the next year. During all this counseling, she finally stopped and things got better. Several apologies etc. Several of the problems that were discovered were never really worked out. Communication on her part. Her personal baggage etc. I had my share too.
3 years later and I go on a 3 day weekend for R&R, I invited her and she said she wanted to stay in town as our teens had stuff going on. My 2 girls went away that Saturday and I urged her to come up. She declined, citing a headache. Well, I return Sunday evening and she hits me with it. Familiar reasons and behavior and I immediately suspect cheating again. No real reasons and lack of any logic. I confronted her in the most productive way I could and she denied and cried and said I would always suspect that. I have done some prying around and have yet to find real evidence. (they get better at it) Still, several things seem suspicious and I have to trust my heart.
Being a reader I dug into the sites like this and discovered the 180 turn around so often discussed. It instantly made sense and I have, though not perfectly, applied it. I am different this time, much more strong and confident, though not in the distress I was last time. No, I don't know for sure but the suspicion has been right in the past. Before the first time, I trusted this woman like I have never trusted before. I would have never thought she was capable of cheating. Well, here's the catch. After less than a week of 180 she has moved closer. She has initiated dinner together without the kids. No real date but still alone. I asked about sex and she said "yes, but this doesn't change things..". July 4th after her Bible study we are to go watch fireworks together, no kids.
I agreed to go but am now here wondering if that was a good move. We began a written discussion a few days ago about what she thought this Separation would look like. Lenth, rules, who would go stuff like that. I was factual on my answers and only expressed my dissatisfaction as it affected me as a person. She had written that she didn't see how it could ever work and I added if that is the case, I didn't see how any 90 day separation would be productive and my wish would be to get started my healing. She hasn't brought it up again for several days and was nice and attentive. I am limiting my words. (A challenge as I do most of the talking). We went on a family vacation and she was nicer than usual. This was all before discovering this group. We had sex a few times and I now realize it was a mistake. The suspicion has been maddening and I have done my share of snooping. My intent is once I confirm I will end it with D. Well, against the rules, on her initiation, I engaged in an R conversation. Bottom line is that if I am not willing to S is she ready to D? She in her often put off way said she wanted to think about it and could she let me know later that night. That was last night. Well she didn't bring it up and as much as I wanted to I resisted the urge to force the issue. As I started to slip into twilight she said do you want to discuss now or in the morning. There was no way I could wait and I said now. She said that with my interest in mind (yea, right) she was ready to let me go. At first I just listened emotionless and eventually started to ask questions. I said she should file ASAP and she said she would. Of course, in all her contemplation she hasn't thought out telling the kids etc.
I moved to the couch and in the morning she was very nice and even intentionally kissed me goodbye for the day. I now realize all the mistakes I have made.
My question that I haven't found from reading these many Newcomer threads is this. If I still suspect there is some type of A going on, should I proceed as if there is or just a WAW until my suspicions are confirmed?
Thx in advance. This group is invaluable.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you, Cadet. So much to digest while applying. I don't know that I could have followed the rules had I already lived through it once before. Human nature is so counter intuitive in these matters.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Good advice. Nothing worse than a WW that feels she is getting fixed.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
My urgent question is since she is denying an A, should I move out of the bedroom? She isn't going and asking will be hostile. Violation of the rules.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Well, the bad news is that most situations involve an ea, pa or ia so reasonable to assume one of these as your wife has done that before and that is what your suspect.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie, I believe you are correct. The not knowing is maddening. When a W starts acting completely out of character, BDs and is vague about reasons only sighting that they are surprised that you never saw it coming, odds are they are under the spell.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
