Everything I have read on here indicates to not bring it up, never mention it, ask what is going on etc. They call it limbo land.....I think there are some threads on it. My W told me she wanted a D on memorial day, I still do not have any papers and she moved out about 7 weeks ago.
My sitch has a similar time frame but some unique conditions. My W indicated there was no other path than D. I took that at face value and maybe I should not have. I filed at 1 month. My pain is fresh so I may not be the best input and I know filing goes against what is said here.
I did the filing because my W would not have done it. She is irresponsible with these types of things in the first place. I always had to handle paperwork and important thing in the M. It never bothered me and I was happy to do it since we complimented each other in these types of ways, but I hated having to file and hate having to push W along to do steps.
I did not and still do not want to D. I love my W dearly. Is she confused? I don't know, but she made a choice and I needed to protect myself and also knew limbo is not for me. Limbo seems like the same pain magnified. As much as it crushes me and as much as I struggle with it, I don't want to prolong the pain.
If she decides before D that she wants to try on the R/M then the D can be postponed or stopped. If the D completes then there is no after for our R.
I often feel I made a mistake filing, but it's done, and I felt it was better than limbo for me.
Me: 47 W: 44 M: 3 yrs; 10 years together D (Hers): 2000 BD: 06/01/2017 S: 06/01/2017
My question that I haven't found from reading these many Newcomer threads is this. If I still suspect there is some type of A going on, should I proceed as if there is or just a WAW until my suspicions are confirmed?
Hi RR, I am looking at your thread and you sounded as if you started out great, but you are unsure b/c of not having evidence of an A. And, since you've said that an A would definitely be a deal breaker......you are a little perplexed as what to do before there is proof in the pudding (so to speak).
I think her track record speaks loudly. You are familiar with her behavior quirks from her previous involvements. She has said she's not happy. Need to S, yada......yada.....yada.
When a LBH remains under the same roof with a W who wants out and away from him......he can quickly succumb to all sorts of stressful nuances within a short period of time. He has difficulty seeing black and white, so he operates in the gray zone. Most times, operating in gray areas confuses him more and requires a bit of his own self-esteem and/or self-respect. He finds when he compromises with his W, he often feels he is compromising his integrity. Sooner or later the smallest decisions becomes harder & harder to know where to draw the line. Therefore, he needs a plan of action.
What is his overall goal? What is the goal worth to him? Where does it fall on his list of importance What is he willing to sacrifice to obtain it?
Most newcomers believe their overall goal is to save their M. It means everything to them. Without the M, nothing else seems important. They are willing to do anything, in order to save the M. If this describes your current mindset, I hope you will dig deeper and re-evaluate. Sometimes a man sacrifices his dignity, his integrity, his values, his position of leadership, his inner strength, and his respect. No man should have to sacrifice any of these for his M. You know what I mean? He needs these traits to conduct himself like a man of honor, and to feel like a man of worth. I suggest that when putting together a plan of action, you will ask yourself how it will affect these things that work in making up who you are as a man.
Take time to carefully think about the principles, values, morals, and spiritual beliefs by which you live your life. Most of us were raised to conduct ourselves by certain standards. You will need to be keenly aware of those standards as guidelines in helping your decision-making skills. At the same time, be open minded enough to learn information provided on the board. You are in charge of your decisions, nobody else, not even your W. You control one person......and that is RR17. DBing is counterintuitive and you often have to put your feelings aside, in order to do what works effectively.
We are your peers, some are as new as you, and some have been here longer. Not every situation is a exactly the same. However, as you read other threads, you'll be surprised to see how familiar they begin to sound.
The WW, in particular, are amazingly similar in mindset and behavior. Although various personalities.......they talk and act as if they all studied the same handbook. We call it, following script.
Although some posters will tell you not to mind read.......which, btw, is good advice.........some of my posts might sound as if that's exactly what I'm doing. I am a former WW and have observed and read the subject for some time...so I will try to explain the traits and mindset of the WW.
I encourage you to post every chance you get.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Everything I have read on here indicates to not bring it up, never mention it, ask what is going on etc. They call it limbo land.....I think there are some threads on it. My W told me she wanted a D on memorial day, I still do not have any papers and she moved out about 7 weeks ago.
My sitch has a similar time frame but some unique conditions. My W indicated there was no other path than D. I took that at face value and maybe I should not have. I filed at 1 month. My pain is fresh so I may not be the best input and I know filing goes against what is said here.
I did the filing because my W would not have done it. She is irresponsible with these types of things in the first place. I always had to handle paperwork and important thing in the M. It never bothered me and I was happy to do it since we complimented each other in these types of ways, but I hated having to file and hate having to push W along to do steps.
I did not and still do not want to D. I love my W dearly. Is she confused? I don't know, but she made a choice and I needed to protect myself and also knew limbo is not for me. Limbo seems like the same pain magnified. As much as it crushes me and as much as I struggle with it, I don't want to prolong the pain.
If she decides before D that she wants to try on the R/M then the D can be postponed or stopped. If the D completes then there is no after for our R.
I often feel I made a mistake filing, but it's done, and I felt it was better than limbo for me.
I know your pain. Rip the band-aid off is better than limbo.
I am not in that place right now. Maybe still pissed but I feel in control and for the most part I have a plan. GAL and DETACH.
I might recommend a book I just started listening to that might ease your pain. Called "Let It Go" . You can find it on Amazon. I am bouncing back and forth from DR and this audio book. You might give it a try and get some relief.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
What is his overall goal? What is the goal worth to him? Where does it fall on his list of importance What is he willing to sacrifice to obtain it?
Right now I am not sure of my goal. I believe I am in a heightened state of angry vigilance. I have been through this before and it was very different last time. I feel so much more in control now. Control of myself and operating in a more effective manner. I guess I am vacillating on what I will do if I confirm the A. Is it just some flirty EA that hasn't fully materialized or are they plotting behind my back?
For the mean time, I will work the DB and wait for her next move.
Where I get stuck is when following the rules and becoming the best me, comes in. I'm grilling tonight for 3 of us and she is doing the fries. I will likely take off after dinner and be gone until bedtime.
She has been very nice and is definitely noticing the difference. During our last R convo we discussed telling the kids this weekend. I don't see that happening.
I wonder if she is vacillating or just cake eating. IDK
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
One more thing and I say this for all. I got the impression from a post that the impression was that I was trying to manipulate the W.
I inadvertently did that 4 years ago and learned that that feels like progress but is false. I am simply not the begging, blubbering, pleading pathetic pile of hurt I was the last go around. I do love my W, but as you said at some point enough is enough.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Where I get stuck is when following the rules and becoming the best me, comes in. I'm grilling tonight for 3 of us and she is doing the fries.
Are you referring to Sandi's 37 Rules? I'm not sure I understand what you mean by getting stuck and not knowing where they come in. Can you expand a little more?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
As I am pulling away, as well as becoming the best version of me, I get confused as to how to behave.
Should I empty the dishwasher or leave it for her?
For years we have both gone to bed around 10pm. I have trouble sleeping and require a routine to try to get some sleep. Well at least gone up and prepared for bed and watched TV in MBR.
Now, she has been on the couch for the last several nights. Who knows why? Punish me, punish herself. One last chat with OM. IDK
Last night I went to bed as usual and a couple hour later around midnight she comes in and starts preparing for bed and gets in bed. Of course, this wakes me up. I'm sure she realized the risk. She says sorry. But not a very sensor sorry. I said that's alright, even though I know that this was inconsiderate and that as she falls asleep in no time I will be up for hours.
Now can I even say anything about this?
Damage is done. I'm up before 7am and going to church with or without W.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
As I am pulling away, as well as becoming the best version of me, I get confused as to how to behave.
Should I empty the dishwasher or leave it for her?
For years we have both gone to bed around 10pm. I have trouble sleeping and require a routine to try to get some sleep. Well at least gone up and prepared for bed and watched TV in MBR.
Now, she has been on the couch for the last several nights. Who knows why? Punish me, punish herself. One last chat with OM. IDK
Last night I went to bed as usual and a couple hour later around midnight she comes in and starts preparing for bed and gets in bed. Of course, this wakes me up. I'm sure she realized the risk. She says sorry. But not a very sincere sorry. I said that's alright, even though I know that this was inconsiderate and that as she falls asleep in no time I will be up for hours.
Now can I even say anything about this?
Damage is done. I'm up before 7am and going to church with or without W.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Is there a hard fast rule for how long to apply Sandi's rules or 180?
Is it until you feel it is enough or when WW says she's ready to piece?
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
